The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
June 18, 2019
Let’s begin in Los Angeles, where Denise and Camille are surveying the damage to their homes. Denise and Aaron are lucky: their house is still intact, though stinky and covered in soot, and they’ll have to throw pretty much everything away. But hey! On the upside, at least that gives them a chance to furnish the house in something other than five-year-old Ikea furniture they found discarded on the curb.
Camille is not so lucky, however, and her house is a loss. Camille, her daughter and some rando friend poke around in the damage, and while Camille laments that this was her first house that was all hers after the divorce, her daughter is much more philosophical about it, and insists that they will rebuild. And it is very sad! And I am not being dismissive of their loss and pain, but being an insured multi-millionaire certainly must take a little of the edge off, unlike some of their fellow Californians.
Far from the devastation both physically and mentally, in the ridiculous chateau in France, the ladies nosh on breakfast, and Erika explains she’s nursing a migraine. Between the jet lag and the lack of sleep and the stress from the night before when she was accused of not being offended enough by Rinna’s impersonation of her, SHE HAS A HEADACHE. And who can blame her? My head hurts from Kyle and Teddi’s nonsense and I am thousands of miles and 18 months away from all this noise.
Kyle announces that she’s scheduled a wine tasting for that afternoon, to which Erika replies with a curt, and I quote, “Hmmmmm.”
But they aren’t leaving until around 1 p.m., so to kill some time, Dorit and Teddi play an inept round of squash which ends with Dorit running head-first into a wall for absolutely no good reason …
… and Kyle, Erika, and Rinna visit the chateau’s fully-appointed chapel where they light candles and pray for Denise, Camille, and everyone else affected by the wildfires.
Then it’s time for the wine tasting and SURPRISE! Kyle has hired a helicopter to fly them to a vineyard. What’s notable about this, of course, is that Kyle is TERRIFIED of flying. She explains that Mauricio flew the family in a helicopter on a recent vacation and she loved it and now she is miraculously cured! (I mean but only sorta, as she freaks out at the smallest of bumps along the way.)
Erika, and my husband who happens to specialize in aeronautic law, considerately chooses to wait until they land to point out that helicopters are far less safe than airplanes and crash ALL THE DAMN TIME.
But whatever, they’ve safely landed and are ready to get their DRANK ON. Which they absolutely do, all but for Erika who is still dealing with a migraine. The women taste (guzzle) 11 different wines before “blending” some, and the end result, they declare, is FAR better than VanderRosé, and Rinna prepares a whole QVC sales pitch for it:
This, to Erika’s simultaneous irritation and bemusement, leads to the women — Kyle specifically — doing impersonations of each other, the very thing Kyle was mad at Rinna for doing at Halloween. And Kyle is very good and very funny!
And even Erika concedes that Kyle is “dead on.”
The women then load up into two vehicles: Kyle, Teddi, and Dorit in one, Erika and Rinna in another, and drive back to the chateau. In their van, Erika and Rinna nap off their wine/migraines; in the other van, more wine is unnecessarily opened, and Drunk Kyle begins talking so much shit about how boring sober Rinna and Erika are. Somewhere along the way, Drunk Kyle convinces herself that Erika doesn’t actually want to be there hanging out with them (instead of the truth of the matter, which is that she doesn’t want to be attacked by them for not being offended and overly dramatic over a dumb thing).
They return to the chateau for dinner, and apparently there is only enough time for the women to change their clothes, not enough time for anyone to sober up. Drunk Kyle demands rounds of cocktails for all, and the vegetable pistou they are served is simply no match for the gallons of wine and vodka tonics they’ve been downing all day.
First Drunk Teddi and Drunk Kyle become teary-eyed thinking about growing up in showbusiness and how this bonds them to one another, Drunk Teddi insisting that she’d never go on a girls’ trip like this if it weren’t for Kyle.
Rinna agrees that their group supports one another and Erika adds that she had never really felt supported by other women until she started hanging out with them. Other women had always been competitive with her, or disliked her, she just never felt like she could trust them. And really, it’s only been recently that she felt she could really open up with them, now that the dark VanderCloud has been removed.
However, Drunk Kyle has convinced herself that Erika is actually very unhappy with them and doesn’t want to be there. Erika sure seemed irritated last night! And Erika agrees that she WAS irritated last night, irritated that Kyle and Teddi were making something out of absolutely nothing (which they absolutely were).
Drunk Kyle and Drunk Teddi’s response:
Drunk Kyle keeps insisting that it’s “weird” that Erika wasn’t offended by Rinna’s impersonation of her, and Erika is like, “WHAT’S WEIRD IS THAT YOU GIVE A SHIT. WHAT’S WEIRD IS THAT YOU KEEP TRYING TO PUSH THIS WITH ME.”
Drunk Kyle and Drunk Teddi:
Rinna is somehow sober enough to point out the obvious: that Erika was just saying how she feels like she can finally trust the group, and Drunk Kyle is going to treat her like this and risk pushing her away? WHAT IS HER GAME PLAN HERE?
Eventually, Erika does her emotional shutdown thing, “I’M GOOD, WE’RE GOOD, EVERYTHING IS GOOD,” before getting up and walking away because honestly, they’re just wandering around in big drunk circles here. While she’s gone, Drunk Kyle explains to Rinna that she doesn’t think Erika is having fun with them, that she’s always in a bad mood when she is around them, and Rinna’s like, well, tell it to her then.
So, when Erika returns, Rinna tells Drunk Kyle to share what she just told her with Erika, and Drunk Kyle’s response is literally, “What did I just say?” Rinna reminds her, and Drunk Kyle’s like, “Oh yeah, I did say that …”
Erika is all, “What the hell are you even talking about? I’m having the best time. Now, granted, today I had a migraine, but I told you all that.” But Drunk Teddi and Drunk Kyle insist that she doesn’t like them, and doesn’t want to hang out with them. Erika, taken aback, is like, “I do not have time to be bullied by you two drunk idiots, I’m going to bed.” And she stomps off to her room.
Rinna orders Drunk Kyle to go talk to Erika, and so she drunkenly complies, wandering the chateau until she finds Erika’s room. Erika agrees to talk to her, and Drunk Kyle, again, begins going on about how she just thinks Erika should be angry at Rinna for her impersonation of her, and Erika is like, “Bitch, we are not having this conversation one more damn time.” Drunk Kyle keeps insisting that Erika “be honest,” and after assuring Drunk Kyle that she is being FUCKING HONEST, Erika suggests that they be honest in the morning.
Meanwhile, at the table, Drunk Teddi is babbling to Rinna that she also feels like Erika isn’t “being honest” and that Erika’s curtness at breakfast made her uncomfortable. WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING RICH SINCE ALL SHE AND KYLE HAVE BEEN DOING ON THIS TRIP IS TRYING TO MAKE ERIKA FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE BUT WHATEVER. Rinna suggests to Drunk Teddi that maybe that’s what she should have told Erika, to which Drunk Teddi begins whining that she can’t always be the moral compass of the group.
Drunk Teddi accuses Erika of being manipulative and “fake,” and Rinna, who I did not realize has a Ph.D. in psychology begins to analyze Drunk Teddi and comes to the conclusion that Teddi recognizes something of herself in Erika that she doesn’t like, and that’s why she’s attacking her. Thanks, Doc!
Dr. Rinna explains to Drunk Teddi that sometimes life is uncomfortable which makes Drunk Teddi burst into tears because SHE DOESN’T WANT THINGS TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE. I swear to Christ, these are the most spoiled stupid people in the world. YOUR FRIEND’S HOUSE BURNED DOWN IN A WILDFIRE, BUT YOU’RE HERE CRYING BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS BRUSQUE WITH YOU AT BREAKFAST? Come the fuck on already.
Rinna hugs Drunk Teddi, tells her they’re just feelings, and sends her to bed.
But she doesn’t go to bed, she goes to Dorit’s room where she and Kyle roll around on Dorit’s bed until Teddi breaks into Rinna’s room to tattle on the others. They all invade Rinna’s room and when Rinna orders them to leave …
This lunacy goes on for a while until Drunk Teddi escapes from Drunk Kyle to go terrorize the kitchen staff, where Drunk Kyle finds her and leads her upstairs to bed. Not that Drunk Teddi is interested in going to sleep — and, in fact, refuses.
Pray for the chateau staff.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.