The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Meet Rinna Jayne”
May 28, 2019
It’s the day after Camille’s wedding (which partied well into the late, late hour of … 8:45 p.m.), and Camille and her mother join the group for brunch before everyone heads to the airport. Over breakfast, Kyle tells Camille her improbable story about her daughter’s friend’s house being burglarized and the lie detector test and running into Lisa Vanderpump there and Camille can’t wrap her head around why Lisa would take a VanderLie test. Over a dog? A dumb dog? They ask if Lisa VanderReached out to Camille on her wedding, and Camille’s like, “NOPE! Say, don’t you guys have a flight to catch? OK, GOODBYE!”
Everyone packs their shit — a montage which NEVER grows tedious — and loads up into the airport shuttle where Rinna is like, “HOW ABOUT THAT PEOPLE MAGAZINE ARTICLE I JUST SENT Y’ALL? THE ONE WHERE CAMILLE KISSES ALL THAT VANDERASS? LET’S. TALK.”
So, quick fill-in: according to the way the show is edited, everyone had breakfast, and then two hours later, a People Magazine article is published in which Camille talks about what good VanderFriends she and Vanderpump are and that she understands that Vanderpump is going through a VanderLot right now which is why she couldn’t attend the wedding. And apparently, Rinna has alerts on her phone for any time any of these women’s names appear in the press. In any event, the timing of the article, it is unfortunate — or perfect, if you are a reality TV show producer.
Everyone agrees that Camille should have given them a heads-up that the article was coming out and Rinna is like, “It’s entirely in keeping in character with Camille and the way she talks out of both sides of her mouth, like the time she was talking shit about you a couple of months ago, Dorit. Not that I should repeat any of it.”
Kyle:
Back in Los Angeles, the exact same moment that she is walking in the door having returned from Connecticut, Denise’s husband is opening a gift box from Rinna and Harry Hamlin, containing a hat or something with the card reading “Many happy endings!” in a scene that is NOT AT ALL staged.
Aaron is like, “Oh, cool, so you told everyone I got a handjob from a stranger on your orders?” and Denise is like, “Yep! And they were super judgy about it.” Oh, and this entire conversation takes place in front of their eight-year-old, so there’s also that.
Later, Rinna and Kyle go get mammograms together, and they COMPLETELY LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS.
And look. I understand. Kyle’s mother died of breast cancer and she is nearing the age her mother was when she passed away. And that would be scary! And Rinna’s mother and half-sister have both had breast cancer, and that would be scary! But I’ve had mammograms — mammograms that ended with needles being inserted into very sensitive areas (everything was fine, this is not a sob story) — and while it is certainly anxiety-inducing to go in for the annual mammogram, it’s not something to have a sobbing fit about ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WHICH IT IS IS FOR BOTH OF THESE WOMEN.
And in conclusion, don’t forget to get your annual mammogram if you are over 40, even during this pandemic.
The same day that Rinna and Kyle go for their mammograms, Kyle is throwing a 30th birthday/Halloween party for her daughter Farrah: Farrahoween. It involves food trucks, and people dressed as monsters hiding in the bushes to scare guests as they walk in, and a D.J., and a Ferris wheel — a Farrah Wheel if you will. And they insist that you do.
Kyle is dressing as a Playboy bunny because she has to do something to soothe the ego-crushing fact that she is now the mother of a 30-year-old woman. But tragedy strikes when the zipper on her $615 leotard breaks, and she has to Uber a Party City replacement to herself.
Mauricio, meanwhile, is dressing up as Hugh Hefner, and by “dressing up as Hugh Hefner,” I mean “he puts on a robe.”
In contrast, Dorit’s insufferable husband dresses as Karl Lagerfeld and invests in an $800 wig. It’s a good costume! And Dorit? She dresses as a … cat? OK.
Teddi and her husband, Whatshisname arrive first, dressed as Harley Quinn and the Joker; they are followed by Erika who has dressed as … a cat; Denise and Aaron arrive dressed as porn pirates; and then Rinna arrives, pretty amazingly, dressed as Erika Jayne.
Erika is ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED by this, and Rinna explains in a talking head that she loves Halloween and dressing up and that she tends to really BE the character she is embodying. Apparently, Rinna is a method actor and studied under Lee Strasberg (no, she did not) and SHE TAKES HER SHIT SERIOUSLY.
So when Kim Richards arrives dressed as a gangster, Rinna is at first shocked to see her, and doesn’t really know how to respond, and the whole thing is just super tense and painful. (Because she didn’t anticipate that Kim would be at her own niece’s birthday party? Oh, come on.)
Camille arrives dressed as Catwoman, and Dorit is super catty about it. (GREAT PUN, HIGH FIVE.)
“I’m the fashionista cat, and Erika is the exotic cat and Camille, she is like the stray cat,” she smirks in an interview, so proud of herself having clearly spent days coming up with that bon mot.
Kyle asks Dorit, Teddi, and Denise to not confront Camille tonight — she knows everyone is upset, but let’s not ruin Farrah’s party, please.
Denise:
Kyle gives a toast to her daughter, blah blah 30 blah blah proud blah self-sufficient blah. And then everyone rides the Farrah Wheel for a minute, it’s boring.
Afterwards, the group gathers for a picture, including Kim, and that’s when Rinna’s method training comes pouring out, and, as Erika Jayne, Rinna tells Kim, “Giving Rina that bunny was cunty. GIVING RINNA THAT BUNNY WAS REALLY CUNTY.” All of the other women are shocked, SHOCKED by Rinna’s performance, and through their teeth talk about how “awkward” it is.
After, Kim and Kyle agree that Rinna’s comments were INAPPROPRIATE, but Denise, of all people, defends Rinna, reminding everyone that Kim really hurt Rinna’s feelings when she pulled the bunny stunt at the reunion. And in fact, Kim is the one who needs to get over it.
Eventually, Rinna and Kim agree to have a private conversation — with Rinna as RINNA and not some weird one-note Erika Jayne who just throws the word “cunt” around. With Kim, Rinna admits that she was over-the-top as Erika Jayne, but that it truly hurt her feelings when Kim returned that bunny, which was Rinna’s attempt to extend an olive branch. With that, they agree to forgive each other and now everything is perfect and they are best best friends forever.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.