Turns out ‘The Bachelor’ is just a messy bitch who loves drama

The Bachelor
February 10, 2020

The final stop on the Concussion Tour of the Americas is Lima, Peru, where Pilot Peter will have to narrow down his choices to four women whose families he is willing to meet. The six women remaining are: Purity Ball; Ally McBeal; Come Hither; Champagne Wishes; White Lives Matter and Van Gogh. Of these women, Come Hither is the only one who has yet to have a one-on-one date.

Before heading out on the first date, Pilot Peter FaceTimes with his mother who encourages him to follow his heart or some bullshit and this is just a good time to remind you that he still lives with his parents. HE IS 28 AND HE HAS A JOB AND HE STILL LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS.

Pilot Peter then wanders around Lima thinking about how he felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath him when Hannah dumped him, and I shit you not, he pauses to look at this ugly windmill painting.

windmill painting bachelor


Finally, Pilot Peter surprises the women at the hotel where he urges them to really think about whether they are ready for what comes next and whether they can see a future with him. They all receive this advice as if it is profound wisdom that has made them think differently about this entire situation instead of a bunch of mealy-mouthed platitudes served up every single season.

Sometime later, a date card is delivered: “Purity Ball: I think you’re a catch.”

Purity Ball yammers in a voice-over about how excited she is to see him and how she needs to “show him who [she] is” and what she needs in a marriage and that she needs to know that they are on the same page and the only reason I am mentioning any of this is because the entire time she’s doing her makeup and JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THOSE EYELASHES?

madison eyelashes bachelor

Never mind me, I’m just jealous. ANYWAY. These two go fishing and catch a small fish and make out on the boat and no one becomes seasick, so points to them. Also, Purity Ball manages to tell Pilot Peter that she really likes him and sees a future with him without shedding a single tear.

elf you did it congratulations

That evening over Pretend Dinner, Purity Ball explains that while she sees a future with him, she needs to make sure they are on the same page. And here’s where everything goes sideways, and somehow neither of them know it.

it's a lot kris jenner hoo by

Purity Ball begins by explaining that with hometowns coming up, now is a good time to discuss how important her family is to her, they are her entire world. She then says that she wants a man who reminds her of her father, a man who embodies his same qualities. Now, while this isn’t a red flag, exactly, I can assure you that this portends a DISASTROUS hometown visit in their future.

Purity Ball then makes herself explicitly clear: the reason she believes her father loves her mother and their family as strongly as he does is because of his profound relationship with the Lord. Purity Ball then informs Pilot Peter that her faith is more than something that has been passed down to her — it is who she is. And she wants someone who also has that same relationship with the Lord and raise a family the way that she has been raised.

And you know what? FAIR ENOUGH. Purity Ball is making it as clear as she possibly can that her Christian faith is the fundamental driver in her life: that she is a go-to-church-three-to-four-times-a-week, will-encourage-Pilot-Peter-to-join-the-Promise-Keepers, who-has-probably-been-to-an-event-featuring-Kirk-Cameron and definitely-has-been-to-an-event-where-she-promised-her-father-she’ll-remain-a-virgin-until-marriage kind of woman. I’m not judging, I’m just saying as someone who has live in the Deep South, I have grown up with and are related to these kinds of Evangelical Christians, and THEY DO NOT TAKE IT LIGHTLY. She is being very clear with Pilot Peter about who she is and what she expects of him and lemme tell you, it’s not for everyone.

But Pilot Peter here, he hears “blah blah blah Christian” and he thinks “I’ve been to church a few times.” He explains that he was also raised in a Christian household and while he has faith, it could be stronger.


Purity Ball’s not talking about just going to church more often than just Easter and Christmas — she’s talking about church life being YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND SHAPING EVERYTHING YOU DO AND EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE AND YOU BEING THE “SPIRITUAL LEADER” OF THEIR FAMILY AND PRAYING OVER EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HAPPENS.

But then, to make matters somehow even worse, Pilot Peter confesses to Purity Ball that he’s beginning to fall in love with her, and Purity Ball is like, “TERRIFIC!” Because while of course that’s what she wants to hear, it is NOT THE CONVERSATION SHE WAS TRYING TO HAVE WITH HIM.

In an interview, she burbles that this is exactly what she wants in a marriage, someone who values faith, someone who values family.


no honey rhony heather

These two idiots, they are talking right past each other and not hearing what the other one just said.

Pilot Peter gives her the rose and she accepts it and this is not going to end well, guys.

stephen colbert poporn this is going to be a disaster schadenfreude

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Come Hither: Vamos a explorar.”

The next day, they meet in downtown Lima where they watch some guys dance in a plaza, do some shopping, try on hats, eat some arroz con leche, and then have a drink at a bar where they chat a while about Come Hither’s family, who Pilot Peter is never going to meet.

That’s because over Pretend Dinner, Pilot Peter is like, “You’re great, but our lives don’t line up. You’re a mature, intelligent woman who doesn’t freak out at the drop of a hat, and I’m looking for something a little more volatile than that. And that’s why I’m not going to give you the rose.”

Goodbye, Come Hither. You were always a voice of reason and honesty in this shitshow and you will be sorely missed.

you can fly away now captain

At the hotel, Come Hither’s suitcase is removed and the next date card arrives: “Champagne Wishes: Love is a wild ride.” This means the final date will be a dreaded three-on-one, and the women can do the math: if Champagne Wishes receives her rose the next day, one of them will be going home. FUN.

The next day, Pilot Peter and Champagne Wishes go to the mountains where they are set up with a pair of ATVs. “I’ve never been on an ATV before,” Champagne Wishes explains, which is totally fine, because people never die on these things.

So they drive around for a while before coming to a steep incline which Pilot Peter insists they run up at full speed. This, friend, is where your trusty blogger would NOPE THE FUCK OUT.

ok goodbye seth meyers

Eventually, they collapse in a wheezing heap and there, Champagne Wishes discusses what she sees in her future: basically kids and a part-time job. Dream big, Champagne Wishes.

That night over Pretend Dinner, Champagne Wishes decides it’s time to talk about her family situation. She explains that he’ll definitely meet her mother who is very sweet and will bake cookies for him. Her father, however, is a different case. Her parents were divorced when she was in the 7th grade, her father left and she went ten years without speaking to him. When she won Miss Iowa, her dad reached out to her — but it didn’t go well, because he tried to explain that the reason he abandoned her was because God told him to. And while that probably should have been the end of that, about a year ago, she heard from him again and decided to give him another chance, and it went well!

However. Her mother has no idea Champagne Wishes met with her father — I MEAN, SHE DOES NOW SEEING THIS IS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION — but that’s why Pilot Peter won’t meet her father, or probably even hear him be referenced if he comes to her hometown.

Pilot Peter, impressed for some reason by Champagne Wishes’ immaturity and general cowardice when it comes to being honest with her family, offers her the date rose.

Back at the hotel, the final date card of the season arrives: “Van Gogh, White Lives Matter, and Ally McBeal: Tomorrow won’t be easy.”

Ally McBeal, being the smart one, explains that there are two more roses left, and three girls on the group date, so one of them will be going home BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MATH WORKS. And while they wait for their ride, Ally McBeal “jokes” that she wants to throw the other two in front of a bus.

nervous fake laughter parks and recreation amy poehler leslie knope

The women are driven to a vineyard and hacienda, and on the way, Ally McBeal’s villain edit continues afoot, with her narrating that she feels pretty confident about this date since she’s an adult lawyer and the other women on the date are children who burst into tears at the slightest provocation.

no lies detected where is the lie

Upon arriving at the hacienda, Pilot Peter and the women visit with the owner who appears to be very confused as to what is happening on his property, but encourages them to find love or whatever the hell is going on here.

To this end, Pilot Peter visits with each of the women one-by-one. First is Van Gogh, who almost immediately begins crying OVER NOTHING AT ALL, and presents him a handwritten list of reasons why she’s falling for him.

Reader, ask me how young Van Gogh is. Go ahead, ask me.


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And that should seal her return trip home right then and there, but instead, he calls this dumb 6th-grader’s idea of a love letter one of the “sweetest things ever.”

Next up: Ally McBeal who begins by admitting that she was frustrated to be one of the only women to not receive a second one-on-one date, but overall, she feels good about where they are. She has fun with him, he’s easy to be around and not every relationship has to be rough — in fact a healthy relationship can be …. believe it or not … easy and fun.

it's true dwight the office

However, Ally McBeal is met with a stone-faced Pilot Peter who thanks her for being “honest,” before asking her if what they have is more than “fun.” Ally McBeal is like, “DUDE, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH THE WORD ‘FUN’? RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALLOWED TO BE FUN. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS SOBBING DOESN’T MEAN IT’S A MEANINGFUL OR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, AND IN FACT, I MIGHT JUST ARGUE THE EXACT OPPOSITE.”

Actually, she doesn’t say any of that, but it’s what she’s thinking.

Finally, Pilot Peter sits with White Lives Matter, where he begins by asking her about her performance on their last date, where she had a complete meltdown over God even knows what. Her response? “Oh, that’s what you want to talk about? FINE. I GUESS MY PROBLEM IS THAT every time I’M WITH YOU, YOU’RE IN A MOOD. AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MOVE FORWARD.”

Pilot Peter is like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look, you’re the one who sobbed through our date last week, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you about it without being attacked.” White Lives Matter tries to claim she’s not attacking him she’s just projecting when she says he’s always in a “mood” when they’re together, THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST REALLY HARD. Pilot Peter assures her — for some reason — that he wouldn’t give her a rose to just “string her along.”

Pilot Peter then joins all three women and announces he’s ready to make his decision, no dinner will be necessary. He grabs a rose, asks to speak to White Lives Matter privately, and walks her over to the Vete a Casa Ahora Por Favor Van. But! Instead of putting her into said van and telling her GOODBYE FOREVER, YOU IMMATURE PSYCHO, he explains that he knows it’s not been “super easy” between them but that he’s going to give her a rose anyway because …

defeated shrug exasperated why sigh adam parks and recreation

Well, I don’t know why.

the good place girl you are a messy bitch who loves drama and i am into it

Note, please, that I am not into it.

Pilot Peter returns to the other two women and explains that he has given White Lives Matter one of the two roses because all of the common sense leaked out of his brain when he sustained that head wound in Costa Rica.

He then addresses each of the women:

Van Gogh: Pilot Peter likes her sweet nature and appreciates her honesty.

Ally McBeal: Pilot Peter has been excited by their relationship this entire time. He doesn’t know why they met the way they did, but he’s grateful for it.

Grateful — but ultimately it doesn’t matter because the final Let’s Meet Your Parents rose goes to Van Gogh.

Which means we must say goodbye to the only adult on this God-forsaken show: Ally McBeal.

you could have had a bad bitch kamala harris snl saturday night live

As Pilot Peter takes her to the Vete a Casa Ahora Por Favor Van, he explains that he wished it could have worked out and that he thinks he hung on for so long simply based on how they met. Ally McBeal is like, “WELL GOOD LUCK WITH ALL YOUR ISSUES, ASSHOLE,” and climbs into the ride without looking back.

And instead of crying all the way to the airport and wondering WHEN WILL SHE FIND LOOOOOOOOVE, Ally McBeal reads Pilot Peter to filth:

“I have no idea like, why I am in this car, but Peter has made his decision and that’s that. And does it suck? Yeah. Do I agree with it? No. I question his intentions because I just don’t really know, like, what phase he is in life. The four that are left are like little babies. They don’t really know who they are. Like, are you a child or are you an adult? But clearly, he doesn’t agree. If he’s not able to sit there and make decisive decisions and stuff like that, um, then that’s on him. I don’t really want him to waste my time either. You know? Thank you for NOT coming to meet my family.”

no lies detected where is the lie

Goodbye, Ally McBeal. We all agree, you don’t need this messy bitch in your life.

you can fly away now captain

ere are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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