‘The Bachelor’: For your real friends, champagne. For your sham friends, real pain.

The Bachelor
January 13, 2020

We begin this week where we abruptly left off in the previous episode: with Hannah Alabama and Pilot Peter pondering WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN? There is crying, hugging, considering the nuclear option of adding her to the show, before ultimately coming to the realization that it would be a TURRRRRRRIBLE idea to try to bring Hannah into the house for so many reasons, and making the only rational decision available: he says goodbye and continues his solemn duties as The Bachelor and she fucks off to Dancing with the Stars.

Bye, Hannah! Again! For real this time! I assume! But I’m not writing off the possibility that you’ll be back as The Bachelorette in two to five years down the road because the Producers hate all of us!

you can fly away now captain

Meanwhile, out in the theater, the other women are beginning to notice that Pilot Peter has gone AWOL and they start worrying about the possibility that he has run off with Hannah. And y’all SHOULD be worried because he very nearly did.

Pilot Peter finally emerges from the backstage area and asks the women to join him on the stage. There, he’s like, “Look, Hannah was here and things got intense so I’m really not interested in listening to your embarrassing sex stories. I’m canceling this ‘date’ and I’ll see you at the after party. This is tough — I was really invested in her and those feelings haven’t just gone away …”

“SHE hasn’t gone away,” Come Hither points out, “I’ve seen her every day that I’ve seen you, SO.”

I love her.

certified bad bitch amber rose conan

That night Pilot Peter joins the women at the after party where they are NOT HAVING IT.

Quick reminder of who is on this date: Powersuit, Alabama City, Two Glasses, Miss Iowa, Come Hither, Denise Huxtable, Mom Jeans, Miss Texas and Non-Consensual.

Presumably, Pilot Peter visits with each of them individually — because after the stunt he pulled earlier he had BETTER have visited with each of them individually — but we only see his conversations with Denise Huxtable, Come Hither, Alabama City and Mom Jeans.

Denise Huxtable literally says to his face, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

certified bad bitch amber rose conan


certified bad bitch amber rose conan

Alabama City: “HANNAH TOOK PRECIOUS TIME AWAY FROM ME … time I would have spent telling you my sob story. Anyway, my sob story is that I grew up a mixed-race kid in the Deep South. It was not fun. The end.”

teresa shrug rhonj no


And, Dear Reader, I regret to inform you that he does. He does show her his white boy moves:

bachelor pilot peter bad dance dancing.gif

oh no awkward stop crazy ex-girlfriend oh god

Ultimately, Pilot Peter offers Alabama City the date rose because sob stories are rose material.

The next night is Rose Ceremony time, and Pilot Peter begins by explaining, again, the Hannah situation before assuring the women that he wants to move on with them.

Pilot Peter first takes Little Red Corvette aside for a private conversation where he is all, “Refresh my memory? How did you introduce yourself again?” Little Red Corvette is clearly irritated that her rental car entrance didn’t make much of an impression when he’s suddenly like, “LOL JK, I GOT YOU A HOT WHEELS, OF COURSE I REMEMBERED THE CAR.” And I was going to be all grumpy and cynical about this, but honestly, it was a sweet gesture that demonstrates to a woman that he did not bring on a date that week that he was still thinking about her. I RESENT YOU MANIPULATING ME THIS WAY, PILOT PETER.

how very dare you

Meanwhile, the most hilarious thing about this episode, Champagnegazi, is slowly being set into motion.

Miss Iowa explains to anyone who will listen that she brought with her to the McMansion a bottle of champagne that someone gave to her for her birthday the year before. She had been saving the Special Champagne for a special occasion and what could be more special than hanging out with The Bachelor for five minutes on the second episode? To this end, Miss Iowa sets up a whole little scene next to the outdoor fireplace: throw rug, ice bucket, Special Champagne, glasses, whathaveyou. But before she can lead him over to the Special Champagne, Pilot Peter is hijacked by Mom Jeans.

Miss Iowa pouts that this is NOT FAIR since Mom Jeans just spent time with him the night before (of course, Miss Iowa was also on that date, so maybe he didn’t talk to everyone a the after party after all? That doesn’t seem right …), and goes so far as to take Mom Jeans aside to bitch at her for being SO DISRESPECTFUL. Mom Jeans is like, “I hear you, and I don’t care. Are we done here?”

Outside, Pilot Peter presents Purity Ball with a framed photo of her with his family at his parents’ vow renewal ceremony.

better off dead ricky picture.gif

Here’s the thing: it’s not that it’s not a nice gesture, it is (kinda). It’s just a little … soon. If he keeps her around until the end, that would have be a more appropriate time to give her this, not now. But of course she loves it because these people don’t understand the concept of healthy boundaries and normal relationships.

Over in Champagnegazi, Miss Iowa fixes her makeup and then, instead of plopping herself down next to her Special Champagne, or seeking Pilot Peter out and bringing him to the Special Champagne, she hangs out with the other women on the patio. And that’s when Van Gogh grabs Pilot Peter, and brings him over to the fireplace and proceeds to SHAKE and OPEN Miss Iowa’s Special Champagne.

Miss Iowa and the other women are like, “I … I think … I heard a pop.” But hey! There’s champagne all over this damn McMansion, it COULDN’T be her Special Champagne, right? Miss Iowa gets up to make sure that THIS DUMB BITCH DID NOT JUST OPEN HER SPECIAL CHAMPAGNE, and when she gets to the fireplace, her worst fears are confirmed. Miss Iowa is unable to say anything, she just bursts into tears and runs into the bathroom. Pilot Peter does follow to make sure she’s alright, but she does not want to talk to him and pull a Hannah in this moment.

hannah mascara face bachelor

She eventually emerges from the bathroom screaming about her SPECIAL MOMENT and how VAN GOGH TOOK IT FROM HER, and y’all, I am with Miss Iowa on this one, I’d be furious with Van Gogh, too. But I guarantee if I were in the house listening to this, I would not be able to hide my amusement any better than Ally McBeal here:

bachelor kelley laughing.png

Y’all, I’ve found my best friend in the McMansion.

Miss Iowa then stomps back outside, and screams at Van Gogh that what she did was NOT COOL, before Pilot Peter can catch up with her and take her aside. There, he asks her to talk to him, explain what just happened, and in the process, they knock over a different bottle of champagne. “SEE?” Van Gogh yells, “THERE WERE MULTIPLE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS ONE WAS HER SPECIAL CHAMPAGNE?”

To try to make things better, Pilot Peter opens another bottle of champagne, and the other women, upon hearing the pop, begin cheering as light romantic guitar plinking begins.

But then.

Pilot Peter asks her if she wants to drink the champagne from a glass or just swig it from the bottle, and Miss Iowa, she chooses to just drink it from the bottle. And let this be a lesson to all of you baby drinkers out there: recently popped champagne is not best drunk straight from the bottle unless you are looking to Neti Pot yourself with champagne bubbles.

unicorn the more you know rainbow fart

Miss Iowa Champagne Wishes, screaming: “I’M OVER IT.”

She then marches back over to Van Gogh to let her know that SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID. Van Gogh continues to protest that she didn’t know it was Champagne Wishes’ Special Champagne, but she “acknowledges” Champagne Wishes’ feelings. This only infuriates Champagne Wishes further, who yells, “YOU’RE FAKE AND I’M REAL.”

And with that, it’s time to had out some roses:

Rose #1: Mom Jeans
Rose #2: Sob Story
Rose #3: Come Hither
Rose #4: Chick-Fil-A
Rose #5: Hubba Hubba
Rose #6: Little Red Corvette
Rose #7: Van Gogh
Rose #8: Denise Huxtable
Rose #9: Rowdy Roddy Piper
Rose #10: Miss Texas
Rose #11: Windmill Costume
Rose #12: Dry Humor
Rose #13: Air Sickness Bag
Rose #14: Contortionist
Rose #15: Non-Consensual
Rose #16: Miss Iowa Champagne Wishes

This means we must send Toy Airplane, Powersuit and Two Glasses home on the red-eye. Bye, people I have nothing of any substance to say about.

you can fly away now captain

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The next morning, the first group date card arrives: “Denise Huxtable, Mom Jeans, Come Hither, Windmill Costume, Little Red Corvette, Dry Humor, Champagne Wishes, and Van Gogh: Time to let your personality shine.”

The ladies are taken to a store I am not familiar with probably because I am a forty-mumble mom who only buys clothes off of Amazon and J. Crew Factory when I’m feeling extra fancy. It’s called “Revolve” and though I have never been myself, something in my brain pinged that it was familiar. And it was! Because one of the contestants specifically mentioned it in her bio: “She enjoys roller skating and shopping at Revolve.”

Hey … Hey … Hey … Ask me if this particular contestant was invited on this date.

Go ahead. Ask.

savannah lol nope bachelor.jpeg

The Producers are monsters.

Annnnnnyway, upon arriving at Revolve, they are greeted by Carson Kressley, the reanimated corpse of Janice Dickinson and Revolve’s chief brand officer Raissa Gerona who inform them that they are going to be in a Revolve fashion show. Each woman is to put together two lewks from the clothes in the store, one daytime and one evening. They will be judged on style, technique, and personality and the winner will take home the entire Revolve closet.

Back at the McMansion, Non-Consensual:

darth vader i sense something felt disturbance in the force star wars feel.gif

(Almost) All of the women are like, “SQUEEEEEEEE!” because, you know:

women be shoppin happy endings.gif

Except for my buddy Dry Humor who begins having a full-blown panic attack about how everyone is so much more confident than her and she’s trying so hard but Pilot Peter doesn’t even notice her and she is being outshined and everything is terrible.

And, look. Dry Humor is a gorgeous girl who clearly doesn’t need to worry about being outshined by anyone, and I find it both tragic and emblematic of how misogynistic our culture is that a young woman who is this attractive compares herself to other 23-year-olds and still feels insecure (i.e., THE PLOT OF THIS ENTIRE FUCKING SHOW/SOCIETY) and yet I found myself identifying with her panic because OH MY GOD if I were forced to come up with two outfits to wear in this nightmare shop I’d be in fucking tears, too, and would end up walking down the runway in this:


kid dressed herself
Imgur, PirateKat

Night look:

toddler dressed herself night look
Claudia Flaherty

I’m not great at dressing myself is what I’m saying.

The fashion show, it happens, and most of the women wear … I don’t know … shorts? things? The Producers encourage Van Gogh decides to go big and wear a wedding dress for her daytime outfit. Then, in the night look, Dry Humor comes out in a black trenchcoat and lingerie SO I THINK WE CAN ALL DISPENSE WITH THE “WOES IS ME I AM SO NOT CONFIDENT” act already.

The judges announce that the two finalists are Van Gogh and Dry Humor and for the finale, they have to walk the runway in the exact same outfit. Van Gogh, she pulls some America’s Next Top Model final runway dramatics, flapping her dress all over the damn place and distracting from Dry Humor.

chris pine drag race snl saturday night live.gif

The judges award Van Gogh the grand prize, sending Dry Humor into a weepy tailspin, sobbing that she’s “done” and “doesn’t want to be here anymore.”

calm down beyonce

That night at the after party, Pilot Peter visits with Dry Humor who sobs that she’s not cut out for this nonsense and she’s not sure if it is worth her mental health. LET ME CLEAR THAT UP FOR YOU, BABY GIRL: IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT. Pilot Peter assures her that she’s someone who he is interested in and that while he knows it’s a difficult process, it will be worth it in the end.

SPOILER ALERT: No, it will not.

Pilot Peter visits with Champagne Wishes, bringing with him a bottle of champagne and two glasses which they wisely use this time.

Meanwhile, Van Gogh stews about how she was yelled at by Champagne Wishes for drinking her Special Champagne. So when Van Gogh has her moment with Pilot Peter, she tells him she is feeling bullied by Champagne Wishes: Champagne Wishes called her a PRINCESS. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HORROR? Pilot Peter announces that he is VERY CONCERNED about this and insists that it is NOT OK with him.

So, he gives the date rose to Dry Humor, but doesn’t end the night there. Instead, he takes Champagne Wishes aside to confront her with Van Gogh’s accusations. Champagne Wishes is all, “Wait a hot second, bitch drinks my SPECIAL CHAMPAGNE that I had been saving for a YEAR, and I’M THE ASSHOLE? This is some straight-up bullshit, man.”

And then they stomp back to the group where Champagne Wishes glares at Van Gogh while they wait for the bus to come pick them up and Pilot Peter wanders around the parking lot being pensive and admitting that he just doesn’t know WHAT to think now.

this is a case for the fbi it's a mystery kris jenner.gif

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

2 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: For your real friends, champagne. For your sham friends, real pain.

  1. My 14 year old watched some of this with my wife. I walked in just to hear him say “Why do they cry all the time? They shouldn’t be this upset” So we got to explain that this show isn’t really about finding love, its about making people fight over a prize.

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