‘The Bachelor’: Oh, I’ll fly away, alright

The Bachelor
January 6, 2020

Welcome to Season TWENTY-FOUR of this blight upon our culture. This season, our Bachelor is Bachelorette Hannah’s third choice, Pilot Peter, the safest choice in all of “Bachelor Nation” if there has ever been one.

I will say this: Pilot Peter seems like a good enough guy. He’s got a job. He has nice teeth. I don’t know, he has hair? And I don’t want to attack him because there have been far FAR FAR worse men who have served time as The Bachelor. (Nick Viall, I’m still looking at you. Juan Pablo, you continue to live in Bachelor infamy. ARIE? WOOF.) But, I don’t know, Pilot Peter’s just so boring.

And also? He’s just not that handsome, y’all.

But The Bachelor producers STILL think America is not ready for a black Bachelor so we have to work with the white bread we’ve been given, I suppose. MIKE JOHNSON, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

Now be a good girl, and go pour Momma an extra big glass of box wine, we’ve got three hours to deal of this nonsense to get through.

We begin this season being reminded that Pilot Peter is, in fact, a pilot via a heroic intro video of him striding across a tarmac in a leather jacket and aviator sunglasses and JUST HOLD YOUR HORSES, THERE, MAVERICK, YOU ARE NOT A FIGHTER PILOT. You fly 737s from Los Angeles to D.C. and back again and on the weekend you toot around in your little hobby plane.

i'm tryng to temper your expectations calm down snl

Anyway, Ice Man here reminds us that he had fallen in love with Hannah on The Bachelorette only to have his heart stomped on by Little Miss Bad Judge of Character. But it’s been like 10 weeks already so he’s ready to get back out there!

After dancing around with his parents in their kitchen …

Wait — does he still live with them? OH MY GOD, HE LIVES WITH THEM. ABORT! ABORT! EVERYONE GO HOME, THIS SEASON IS NOT GOING FORWARD! WE HAVE A MANCHILD INCOMING. I REPEAT, MANCHILD INCOMING!

… and then driving around with Chris Harrison, and then wandering around the airport in his uniform, taking selfies with randos, he …

… I’m sorry, but we have to go back to the part where A 28-YEAR-OLD MAN IS STILL LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS WHILE ON A DATING SHOW TO FIND A WIFE. Unacceptable. I mean, look, it’s not (entirely) that he’s 28 and living at home — the economy is what it is and there are plenty of folks in their 20s who I’m sure still live at home while they try to save up for a place or WHATEVER. But don’t be going out looking for a spouse while you’re living in your childhood bedroom! That makes NO SENSE. Your mother is a goddamned delight, Pilot Peter, but NO WOMAN WANTS TO LIVE WITH HER.  I PROMISE.

Guh.

Let’s move on to the women we should pay special attention to this season either because they 1. are frontrunners, 2. will be villains or 3. the producers like them and intend to send them to Paradise this summer:

Alexa, 27, Esthetician, Chicago, IL

“Esthetician” is a fancy way of saying that Alexa owns her own waxing salon. And though pouring hot wax on my bits and pieces is not my idea of a good time, I like Alexa’s whole Denise-Huxtable-if-Denise-grew-up-and-moved-to-Chicago-and-decided-to-rip-nipple-hair-out-for-a-living vibe.

Hannah Ann, 23, Model, Knoxville, TN

Hannah Ann is a cute, perky model whose father apparently talks about Pilot Peter as if he knows him personally.

NOPE.

red flag steve harvey

Tammy, 24, House Flipper, Syracuse, NY

In a gym, Tammy explains that she was on the boys’ wrestling team as a high schooler, and now flips houses for a living. She definitely is trying to signal that she is VERY INTIMIDATING but leaves out the part where she didn’t tell her mother that she was going to be on The Bachelor so how tough can she really be?

Victoria P., 27, Nurse, Alexandria, LA

Victoria is all about sharing her family’s personal business, talking about her dad’s death and mother’s drug addiction and I assume her sister’s single-motherhood since she’s talking about how much her mother wants a son-in-law. She seems like a very sweet woman who has clearly been through a lot. But my goodness, she’s loaded to bear b stories and for the love of God, don’t trust her with any secrets.

Kelley, 27, Attorney, Chicago, IL

Kelley is an attorney who works with her entire family, demonstrated by a trip to the family office here we see that her desk is in her father’s office like she’s playing lawyer on Take Your Daughter to Work Day. (Seriously, they can’t find her an office of her own?)

Kelley reveals that she has actually already met Pilot Peter about a month earlier: she was in Los Angeles for a wedding which was being held in the same hotel as his ten-year high school reunion, which she took as a major sign to do the show. (She had already agreed to do the show.)

Madison, 23, Foster Parent Recruiter, Auburn, AL

Madison’s segment takes place on a basketball court with her father barking coaching orders at her, while she talks about how she and her father have “a super close relationship.”

Now. I’m not saying that I know for a fact that she and her father went to one of those gross purity balls where daughters pledge to remain virgins and fathers pledge to protect their daughter’s virginity when she was 12 years old. I’m just saying that between this package and the fact that her bio is all about her “faith” and “religious values,” she and her father definitely seem like the types to attend a purity ball. Stick a pin in this one. (But be careful where you put the pin lest Jesus is watching.)

Maurissa, 23, Patient Care Coordinator, Atlanta, GA

Maurissa works at a plastic surgeons’ office as a patient coordinator, explaining that it makes her feel good to help other women feel better about themselves. Maurissa has a long history of beauty pageants, bullying, weight gain and loss, so settling into an industry that is all about externalities just makes very good sense.

And now Limo Time:

Alayah, 24, San Antonio, TX, Miss Texas 2019

Miss Texas explains to Pilot Peter that family is important to her before handing him a letter she forced her Grandma Rose to write to him. Poor Grandma Rose. She didn’t want to get dragged into this.

Sydney, 24, Retail Marketing Manager, Birmingham, AL

Sydney explains that she, like Pilot Peter’s ex-girlfriend Hannah, is also from Alabama, but that not all Southern girls make bad decisions. As she goes inside the house, Peter says, inexplicably, “Alabama City!” No, buddy, it’s Birmingham. Alabama City … what are you even talking about, California Boy?

Hannah Ann, See above.

After Hannah Ann introduces herself, Pilot Peter notes that he “loves” her name. OH COOL SO I’LL JUST BE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF YOUR EX? she does not shout at him (but she should).

Sarah, 24, Medical Radiographer, Knoxville, TN

Sarah, upon seeing Pilot Peter, says the words, “Hubba hubba.”

Absolutely not.

Lauren, 26, Marketing Executive, Glendale, CA

Lauren here recites some bullshit inspirational quote about how you should do what scares you blah blah blah but who cares because she is rocking a spectacular sparkly powersuit. TEAM POWERSUIT.

Victoria P., See above

Weepy gets out of the limo and explains to Pilot Pete that she and her niece do a “happy dance” to drive the “scaries” away. I UNDERSTAND SHE’S HAD A HARD LIFE, BUT I AM JUST TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND A SEASON LISTENING TO A BUNCH OF BABY TALK NONSENSE.

“Scaries.” NO, MA’AM.

Mykenna, 22, Fashion Blogger, Langley, BC, Canada

Mykenna announces that she can “work” with the tuxedo that Piot Peter is wearing that night. Big talk for someone who posed for her official ABC photo in a pair of J.C. Penny Mom jeans that make her crotch look a foot long.

mom-jeans-snl

Maurissa, See above

This one tells Pilot Peter to “always dance like no one is watching.”

NEW RULE: If your opening gambit is something you read on a piece of “art” you can buy at Bed, Bath and Beyond, just get back in the limo and eliminate yourself.

EXCEPTION: If you are wearing a sparkly powersuit, you can stay.

Kelsey, 28, Professional Clothier, Des Moines, IA

Kelsey just tells Pilot Peter that Hannah made a mistake. Oh girl, we know. She should have never eliminated Mike Johnson.

Eunice, 23, Flight Attendant, Chicago, IL

Eunice arrives wearing angel wings … to show that she’s a flight attendant? Who even knows.

Jade, 26, Flight Attendant, Mesa, AZ

Oh, hey, another flight attendant.

Megan, 26, Flight Attendant, San Francisco, CA

Oh, hey, ANOTHER flight attendant.

Madison, See above

Madison arrives wearing a giant paper airplane because Peter pilots airplanes. Oh, just buckle up, because we have only just begun with the terrible airplane jokes …

Tammy, See above

Rowdy Roddy Piper here comes bearing a TSA metal detector and waves it over Pilot Peter, noting his “large package” and offering to do a private screening.

Shiann, 27, Administrative Assistant, Las Vegas, NV

The best Shiann came up with is bringing an air sickness bag. Which is maybe not the best image to open with?

Courtney, 26, Cosmetologist, Venice, FL

This woman arrives on a tiny toy plane, directed into the Breakup Driveway by a pair of marshallers.

Kiarra, 23, Nanny, Kennesaw, GA

This contortionist has herself wheeled into the McMansion inside a suitcase on a baggage cart. I guess contortionism is some guys’ thing, based strictly on Howie Mandel’s overly horny reaction anytime there is a female contortionist on America’s Got Talent … so, sure.

Lexi, 26, Marketing Coordinator, New York, NY

Lexi arrives in a classic red Corvette. Gorgeous car! I Just have no idea what this has to do with anything.

However, it does beg the question as to how these women arrange some of these grander entrances. Lexi lives in New York City, so presumably, that’s not her Corvette. So did she rent the Corvette? How did she find the Corvette? Did she arrange with the producers to have the Corvette delivered to the set? Did THE SHOW pay for the Corvette? And if so, how does that work? Does she come up with the idea and the producers are like, “Sure, we can make that happen, you just have to ask!” I’m assuming they don’t give each lady an entrance budget because if they do, Air Sickness Bag needed to think bigger.

I spend entirely too much time thinking about these things.

Deandra, 23, Home Care Coordinator, Plano, TX

She arrives with windmill blades strapped to her back, asking if he’s ready for “round five.” Lady, think about what, exactly, you’re saying: that you’re up for sloppy windmills seconds (or fifths as the case may be). Gross. No.

Payton, 23, Business Development Rep, Wellesley, MA

She just screams at him, “FOUR TIMES??!??!” which, Hi! Nice to meet you, too!

Jasmine, 25, Client Relations Manager, Houston, TX

Jasmine introduces herself in Vietnamese, and notes that she heard he “did it four times in a windmill.”

YES. WE ALL KNOW. THIS HAS BEEN COVERED.

hannah bachelorette wink

Kylie, 26, Entertainment Sales Associate, Santa Monica, CA

Kylie whips out a length of condoms. SEE BECAUSE PILOT PETER HAD SEX AT LEAST THIS ONE TIME (four times) WHICH YOU WOULD THINK WAS A FIRST IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.

Katrina, 28, Pro Sports Dancer, Chicago, IL

Katrina invites him to fall in love with her “hairless pussy … ~LONG HORRIBLE PAUSE~ … cat.”

Victoria F., 25, Medical Sales Rep, Virginia Beach, VA

Victoria comes in with a joke: “I have a dry sense of humor … but that’s the ONLY thing that’s dry about me …”

To Victoria’s credit, she asks if she should just go and find herself a taxi, which is actually pretty funny. Despite myself, I like the cut of this one’s jib.

for now michael fassebender

Jenna, 22, Nursing Student, New Lenox, IL

Jenna brings an emotional support cow. That’s it. That’s the entire joke.

Actually, the real joke is that inside the house, multiple women begin shrieking that the cow is a pony. That’s what we’re dealing with this season: people who don’t know the difference between cows and ponies.

~loooooooong swig of box wine~

Savannah,  27, Realtor, Houston, TX

Savannah blindfolds Pilot Peter and then kisses him without his consent. And I know that I’m probably being too sensitive here, but this just left me skeeved out. If this happened on The Bachelorette, people would not be cool with it.

Kelley, See above

Pilot Peter definitely remembers Kelley from their chance encounter a month earlier, and she notes that she didn’t want to do this show but that she took it as a sign from God when she ran into him in that hotel lobby. They agree to pick up where they left off, and begin dancing. And TERRIBLY. I mean, just terribly.

Alexa, See above

Alexa is only shown introducing herself — no clever line, no pithy banter — because it’s late in the limo game and we are now focusing less on the arrivals and more on on the increasing panic of the women already inside the house watching more and more beautiful women file in.

Like:

Avonlea, 27, Cattle Rancher, Fort Worth, TX

Who’s only line is that her name sounds like “heavenly” and …

Natasha, 31, Event Planner, New York, NY

Natasha just gives Pilot Peter her best come hither gaze. That’s it. That’s all that happens.

Meanwhile, inside:

no more hoes

Oh, but one more ho. Because a final limo pulls up and out steps Hannah Alabama herself while women in the house watching this unfold literally scream as if they are being attacked …

scream queens screaming.gif

… one shrieking, “IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?” I dunno, you’ve got a lawyer on the cast, go ask Ally McBeal.

But everyone is overreacting because it turns out that Hannah is just there to return to Pilot Peter the pilot’s wings he gave her on the first night of The Bachelorette so that he can give them to his co-pilot in life (~gag~) and to wish him good luck on his “journey.” She’s not a threat!

for now michael fassebender

Thus begins my least favorite part of every first episode: the cocktail party — least favorite because there are SO MANY women and I don’t know any of them and don’t remember them from even five minutes ago and it stresses me out watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette themselves makes small talk and try to remember all of these contestants even though I know perfectly well that there is an entire production staff helping them with names and whatnot but I’m so terrible with faces and names that I have a panic attack just watching this part nevertheless.

enough about me airplane hope it hasn't been boring

Pilot Peter enters the McMansion, assures everyone that Hannah Alabama is not hanging around and thanks everyone for being there. After a huge sigh of relief from the other women, Pilot Peter and Miss Texas go off together to read Grandma Rose’s letter. It’s basically, “Dear TV Stranger, My granddaughter is the best. Sincerely, Grandma Rose.”

Definitely worth the buildup.

Pilot Peter talks to Nip/Tuck and Purity Ball while Chris Harrison sneaks in with the First Impression Rose, freaking everyone out.

Pilot Peter has a long talk with our resident artist, Hannah Ann, who yammers about how her parents have been married for a WHOPPING 26 years. And I suppose when you’re only 23, 26 years is impossible to even imagine, but as someone who has been married for going on 21 years now, my reaction was, “And?” And in conclusion, I RESENT BEING MADE TO FEEL OLD.

Anyway, Vincent Van Gogh here presents Pilot Peter a painting of the Smoky Mountains that she did with her father. And y’all, I am not here to make fun of the painting, it’s fine, whatever.

hannah ann painting smokey mountains

But the idea that it took TWO ADULTS to paint this? Well.

Hey, it earns her a kiss, so what do I know?

Next, Rowdy Roddy Piper handcuffs him and proceeds to “search” him with the metal detector again, pulling condoms out of his pocket. Y’ALL. WE GET IT.

Then, there is Come Hither who is trying to have a conversation with Pilot Peter when Mom Jeans interrupts, asking if she can steal him. Come Hither, God bless her, is like, “If you’re asking me, then no.” Pilot Peter assures Mom Jeans that he’ll come talk to her next, but she grows impatient and starts throwing paper airplanes at them like she’s a third grader.

Pilot Peter goes off with Mom Jeans where she talks about how her grandparents have been married for 61 years only to be interrupted by Come Hither delivering a giant paper airplane and urging Mom Jeans to fly away on it. She does not, and instead, makes out with Pilot Peter while Come Hither sips her tea nearby while hissing “TICK TOCK.”

kameron sip tea rhod real housewives of dallas shade

I love her.

Mom Jeans isn’t the only one to steal time and piss people off, however. While he’s trying to talk to Windmill Costume, Van Gogh sweeps back in, asking to have more time with him, sending Air Sickness Bag into a twist. “VAN GOGH HAS TALKED TO HIM TWICE WHEN I HAVEN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM ONCE!”

You can imagine how well Air Sickness Bag takes it when Van Gogh interrupts her conversation with Pilot Peter for a third visit.

daenerys is pissed game of thrones angry

Pilot Peter talks to a bunch of other women, who even knows/cares.

When it’s Dry Humor’s turn, she mentions how nervous she was about her off-color joke, and Pilot Peter is all, “No no, it was great … wait, tell it again?”

oh no

So Dry Humor walks through the joke again but before they can move on to a less awkward exchange, they are interrupted by that walking sob story, sending Dry Humor into hysterics. Because nothing hurts worse than having to explain a joke, honestly.

My kid from the other room: “IS SOMEONE CRYING? ALREADY?”

Yes, son, there is someone crying already. This is The Bachelor.

During her talk with Pilot Peter, Sob Story hopes that she is offered a rose tonight because, she reveals, no one has ever given her flowers before. Just add it to the list of pitiful things about her.

Pilot Peter also visits briefly with Ally McBeal and wonders how she is still on the market before assuring her that he’s happy she’s there.

He then promptly grabs the First Impression Rose and gives it to Van Gogh.

And with that, Chris Harrison announces that they are moving directly to the Rose Ceremony, which, OK, but when there is no breathing room, there’s no tension between the First Impression Rose and all the other roses, doesn’t the First Impression Rose just become the first rose? What is its significance?

SORRY. OVERTHINKING SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID. AGAIN.

Line up the dummies, we only have 22 beds, it’s 6:30 in the morning, and everyone needs to GO TO SLEEP.

Quick note about these dumb nicknames: The majority of these terrible nicknames are based on things that happened in the episode, but the ones with an asterisk beside them relate to information from their biography — probably because they were SO BORING in the episode that I had to go to supplemental materials to find something memorable about them. You can check out all of the bios here to figure out what the hell I’m talking about.

Also? All of these dumb nicknames are subject to change.

Rose #1: Sob Story*
Rose #2: Purity Ball*
Rose #3: Ally McBeal
Rose #4: Little Red Corvette
Rose #5: Non-Consensual
Rose #6: Powersuit
Rose #7: Rowdy Roddy Piper
Rose #8: Miss Texas*
Rose #9: Chick-Fil-A*
Rose #10: Alabama City
Rose #11: Come Hither
Rose #12: Mom Jeans*
Rose #13: Windmill Costume
Rose #14: Hubba Hubba
Rose #15: Denise Huxtable
Rose #16: Miss Iowa*
Rose #17: Two Glasses*
Rose #18: Contortionist
Rose #19: Toy Airplane
Rose #20: Air Sickness Bag
Rose #21: Dry Humor

This means we must say goodbye to eight women: Avonlea like Heavenly; Emotional Support Cow; Hairless Pussycat (THANK GOD); Economy Sized Condom Pack; Nip/Tuck; and all three flight attendants. I guess if he wanted to marry a flight attendant, HE COULD MEET ONE AT WORK, GUYS.

Au revoir, ladies. I wish I could say that we’ll always remember you. But we won’t.

you can fly away now captain.gif

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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Because the first night was so boring, ABC decided to add on the first hour of the next episode, mostly to assure us that things will definitely happen this season.

First up: a group date. “Van Gogh; Ally McBeal; Windmill Costume; Rowdy Roddy Piper; Toy Airplane; Air Sickness Bag; Sob Story; Chick-Fil-A; Dry Humor: Look up. Pilot Peter.”

The women arrive at an airfield where they are greeted by Pilot Peter and two badass lady pilots, Katie Cook and Alisa Johnson, who explain that they are going to put the women through flight school. Or “flight school.”

Also, there was a shot of this airplane which looks like a Pixar character, and I feel like we should all just take a moment to appreciate it:

Airplane pixar character.png
The ABC/Disney synergy is STRONG.

First lesson: Mathematics

Question 1.: If Pilot Peter is taking you on a 3,000-mile-long flight and flies 500 miles per hour, how long will it take to get your destination?

Women:

chrissy teigen awkward face straight mouth

Question 2. How high in feet do you have to be to join The Mile High Club?

Women:

chrissy teigen awkward face straight mouth

THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME ALL YEAR. CAN I PLEASE HAVE A SPINOFF SERIES WHERE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE CONTESTANTS HAVE TO ANSWER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-LEVEL MATH QUESTIONS, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?

Second Lesson: Aviation Terminology

Define these terms: “flying dirty” “thrust” “cockpit” “suck, squeeze, bang, blow” and “windmilling.”

Women:

eyebrow flirt darkness

Third Lesson: Ride the Gyro Machine

One-by-one, the women are strapped into one of those spinning vomit machines, but Sob Story has a panic attack before getting on: she has PTSD from this one time she rode the Teacups at Disney World and threw up. SHE’S NEVER THROWN UP IN FRONT OF A BOY BEFORE, Y’ALL. WHAT HAPPENS IF SHE BARFS??!?

She does not barf … well, not until she is untangled from the machine and manages to make it to the bathroom. And from one weak-stomached woman to another: well done.

The women are then suited up into Party City Sexy Top Gun costumes and led out to the runway where they will face their last lesson: a ridiculous obstacle course that involves fans, and luggage, and security checkpoints, and airplane bathrooms, and pilot uniforms, and culminates in them riding tricycles around a course to the finish line. Simple enough. Except! when they get to that final leg of the obstacle course, instead of peddling her way through the twisty course, Ally McBeal cheats by making a beeline towards the finish, where she is declared the winner to the ABSOLUTE FURY of Rowdy Roddy Piper.

And listen, I really can’t play games with family and friends because I am a bit … competitive and it often doesn’t end well and what I’m saying is I get it, Rowdy Roddy. I get it. I’d be hella pissed, too.

But Ally McBeal wins the big prize: a coastal sunset flight with Pilot Peter, while the other women FUME about her cheating.

That evening, the cocktail party is held at the Four Seasons where, unbeknownst to the rest of the women, Pilot Peter and Ally McBeal met a month earlier. So Ally McBeal returns from the date and wanders into a room of pissed-off women who immediately confront her about cheating, and Ally McBeal is like, “Y’all, we were on tricycles. You can’t possibly be taking this all that seriously.”

Pilot Peter chats with Sob Story who tells him that as a nurse who takes care of other people all the time, it was nice that he went out of his way to take care of her during the vomit portion of the date. He then jumps up, runs outside, and picks a few flowers to present to her, remembering that she had told him that no one had ever given her flowers before. ALRIGHT, FINE. IT WAS A SWEET THING FOR HIM TO DO. MY HEART IS NOT (ENTIRELY) MADE OF ICE.

Pilot Peter is chatting with Air Sickness Bag when Ally McBeal decides to interrupt, and the two of them go to the exact spot where they met, before moving into a bar to make out.

When they return to the group, Pilot Peter offers Ally McBeal the group date rose, and as he gives it to her, he mentions in front of the other women that they are in the hotel where they first met. The other women slowly come to the realization that they never had a chance on this date. THAT’S RIGHT. BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS ARE NOT. YOUR. FRIENDS. Remember that, and you might survive the season with your sanity and dignity intact. MIGHT.

Back at the McMansion, the next date card arrives: “Purity Ball: I want to show you what forever looks like.”

The next day, Pilot Peter brings Purity Ball to the home WHERE HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. There, she is surprised by his entire family waiting for them in the backyard. Apparently, his parents are renewing their wedding vows on their 31st wedding anniversary — you know, the traditional 31st-anniversary Renewal of Vows Ceremony — which Pilot Peter is officiating. (Although is “officiating” the right word for an unofficial gesture? “Presides over” might be a more accurate term. OVERTHINKING AGAIN. Time for more box wine.)

After the ceremony, Pilot Peter and Purity Ball go to Pretend Dinner where they say words at each other. He offers her the rose, she accepts, and as the Generic Country Band That You Definitely Don’t Know begins to play, his entire family bursts into the room to join them.

LISTEN, GIRL, HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. HAVING ALL OF HIS RELATIVES BURST IN ON YOU AND STOMP ALL OVER YOUR PRIVATE TIME? THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH HIM.

At the McMansion, the week’s final date card arrives: “Powersuit; Alabama City; Two Glasses; Miss Iowa; Come Hither; Denise Huxtable; Mom Jeans; Miss Texas; and Non-Consensual: Hope this isn’t awkward.”

Oh, this is definitely going to be awkward.

The women are brought to a theater where Pilot Peter greets them, explaining that he doesn’t know what is about to happen. Inside, on stage is Hannah next to a shadow windmill. She proceeds to tell her story with Pilot Peter and how in a windmill in Greece, he proved to her that he wasn’t just a nice guy. Four times.

She then announces that their challenge is to tell a sex story on stage in front of an audience — and Pilot Peter will tell a story, too. The women, they are completely weirded out, because this is a weird situation. Also: WHY IS SHE STILL HERE? THEY BROKE UP.

About that.

Pilot Peter heads backstage to talk to Hannah, where he finds her crying all 18 pounds of her mascara off of her face. Seems someone is having some regrets for choosing a dingus who only came on The Bachelorette to further his music career.

huge-mistake

Hannah cries and cries while Pilot Peter notes that he had kinda sorta hoped she arrived on the first night to be on the show. It was totally cool she was just there to bring back his wings … but it would have been cooler if she had come to publicly beg him to take her back and allow herself to be put back through The Bachelor ringer … she’s not there for that, right?

Hannah insists that she’s not, so Pilot Peter begins asking her why she chose to ask Footloose for another chance and not him? And Hannah is all:

shrug-who-cares

Pilot Peter circles back around to the idea of her joining the show and she’s like, “I MEAN … ”

Pilot Peter asks her if she ever had any regrets about not choosing him, and she insists that up to the last moments, she thought the final two were going to be Pilot Peter and Guitar Guy … but then it wasn’t. She then argues that Footloose reached out to her, and Pilot Peter didn’t so she assumed he wanted to be The Bachelor and she didn’t want to get in his way.

And then they talk in circles about how there is still a spark between them and how they don’t know what to do and how this is a mess and ZOMG WHAT SHOULD THEY DOOOOOOO?

hannah mascara face bachelor.png

Well, let’s start with a makeup remover wipe, and then remember that Hannah was on Dancing With the Stars when this scene was filmed and we know she didn’t leave that show, so we can all calm the fuck down already because nothing is going to happen.

SPOILER ALERT! According to the preview for next week, approximately zero of the other women calm the fuck down already.

TO BE CONTINUED!

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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