‘Bachelor in Paradise’: A Titanic disaster

Bachelor in Paradise
September 10, 2019

We begin with everyone discussing Cowboy and Olya Povlatsky’s abrupt departure from Paradise and, as discussed in the previous recap, your blogger found this news particularly shocking as she hadn’t watched the previous episode and her notes are littered with all-caps notes “WHY NOT FILMED” and “WAIT WHAT HAPPENED” and “WERE ALL THE CAMERAS BROKEN?”

Your blogger is an idiot.


Again, your blogger is an idiot.

Relationship #1: Red Flag and Kristian

Despite having some Mexican actors blow a bunch of smoke in their faces during a “cleansing” ceremony, Red Flag and Kristian’s problems have not been resolved. It seems Red Flag is still struggling with her coming out process, and she still hates seeing Kristian being affectionate with other people, in large part because she’s frightened Kristian is being affectionate with other people because she’s not getting enough affection from Red Flag. It’s a mess.

So the two of them have another long and boring conversation in which Kristian explains that she is feeling insecure about their relationship because Red Flag is behaving similarly to people in her past who have hurt her. In explaining this, Kristian says she is being “triggered” approximately 1,000 times, which, in fact, begins triggering me.


Red Flag insists she wants to be with Kristian, that it has nothing to do with her as a person — she just has a number of fears about how she is going to be perceived by the world.

POLITICAL ASIDE: The other day a friend showed me a Facebook post that was being shared by a number of her friends from her Arkansas hometown. It was a pastor who wrote a 700-word screed about how SHOCKED and APPALLED he was at seeing two men kiss during a New Year’s Eve broadcast. There was a lot of “there are only two genders” and “God doesn’t make mistakes” and “HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS TO MY LITTLE GIRLS” and “I just don’t want to have to see it.” You know the routine.

Red Flag and her deep anxiety about how she and her love for this other woman are going to be received by her family, her friends, the Bachelor audiences, and the world in general, this is why it’s important to show children two men or two women in loving relationships. It’s not to “indoctrinate: them: just as you weren’t “turned” straight, people can’t be “turned” gay. No: showing loving, healthy, OUT relationships serves to assure those kids who might be realizing there is something different about themselves that they aren’t alone, that they will be loved, that they will be accepted. And it FUCKING INFURIATES ME when people think that if we just go back to shoving gays, lesbians and transsexuals back into the closet, we can make it all go away. That what is most important is not allowing people to live dignified lives, but instead to protect fragile heterosexuals from having to see something that makes them uncomfortable.

We’re not going back, folks. /political aside

Relationship #2: Empty Gift Box and Humphrey Bogart

EGB and Bogart receive a date card because apparently, we’re still doing those. Their date takes them to some random child’s birthday party and I just have a lot of questions:

1. Why?

2. How much did the family charge for access to this kid’s party?

3. Is it even his birthday?

4. WHY?

Anyway, Empty Gift Box and Humphrey Bogart tell each other that they love one another and in a gesture of unbridled enthusiasm, Humphrey Bogart declares to the birthday crowd, “ME LLAMO EMPTY GIFT BOX!” (Google Translate for my non-Spanish-speaking readers.)

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

Relationship #3: Vocal Fry and That Whitney Lady

Vocal Fry, still bruised from being so unceremoniously dumped by Miss North Carolina as soon as Kewpie Doll showed up, decides that he’s going to give love one more chance here in Paradise. At the wedding of Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled, he had a chance to talk to That Whitney Lady from This Asshole’s season (a nickname that creatively came about because her name was “Whitney”) and really connected with her over scintillating conversation like, “You’re from Michigan? I’m from Minnesota! M STATES, AMIRITE?” And if That Whitney Lady doesn’t walk into Paradise in THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, he’s outta here!

Good news! That Whitney Lady is in the car headed to Paradise RIGHT THEN!

But hilarious news! The producers shove Vocal Fry into a Go Home Now van and send him back to the Puerto Vallarta base hotel anyway. You know, for the drama of it all. Their vans literally pass on the road.

So That Whitney walks into Paradise looking for Vocal Fry, and everyone’s like, “You literally just missed him, dude, because the producers are totally fucking with you.” She sighs heavily and is all, “WELL, I GUESS I’LL GET RIGHT BACK IN THE VAN AND GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND FIND HIM THERE. THANKS FOR THE WILD GOOSE CHASE, GUYS.”

And that’s exactly what she does: she returns to the hotel in her bikini, and knocks on his door and is all, “Hello, I don’t know why they are doing this to us, but do you want to hang out?” And he laughs nervously and invites her into his suite and then they make out on the balcony.


Relationship #3: Play-Doh and Miami Mami

The next date card arrives for Play-Doh who is invited to “follow his heart.” That’s it. That’s all that’s on the card because the production assistants are just as sick of this season as we are and have officially GIVEN UP.

He and Miami Mami have Pretend Dinner where Mami is like, “LOOK. WE NEED TO TALK LOGISTICS. Are you going to meet my parents? Am I going to move to Chicago? How is this going to work? Are you ever going to tell me that you love me? What is even going on here?” And Play-Doh is like, “I mean, maybe I’m starting to kinda fall for you? I can’t say in this very moment that I am definitely in love, but I like it when you show up for breakfast, so that’s something, right?”

But instead of saying, “ABSOLUTELY NOT,” Miami Mami shrugs, and the two of them begin dancing as some guy sings a song about trust and love and the loss of anxiety and everything else that in no way applies to their relationship.

Relationship #4: John Paul Jones and Piggyback Ride

Piggyback, being cheeky, demands that John Paul Jones go change into a Speedo: she wants to draw him, like one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s French girls. What I did not appreciate was that John Paul Jones arrived in Paradise with MULTIPLE Speedos, and for this event chooses his more formal Speedo, the denim one. Because what says “formal occasion” better than a denim Speedo.

Anyway, he poses, she draws, and they are easily the goofiest — and most entertaining — pair here. Listen, I still don’t think Piggyback should have anything to do with John Paul Jones after his immature, controlling and aggressive outburst, but it’s undeniable that he has strong feelings for her, stronger than anything Play-Doh or Smug Chris have shown their respective “girlfriends.” My point is EVERYONE (with maybe the exception of Empty Gift Box and Humphrey Bogart) should break up because none of this is real.

Relationship #5: V-Card and Smug Chris

Speak of the devil: these two are chatting and V-Card casually notes how handsome he is, to which he tells her to STOP IT. She’s always complimenting him and he’s all in his head and HE’S SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING.


The next night it’s time for the final Rose Ceremony, and guess what, assholes? NO COCKTAIL PARTY. At this point, if you don’t know to whom you want to offer a rose, you can just get the Hell out because it is Serious Almost Engagement Time.

The only person who is struggling with whom to give his rose is Old Matt Donald: on the one hand, he has a deep emotional connection with NBA Dancer; on the other hand, Fake Australian is a SUPERMODEL. Or “supermodel” as the case may be.

The first person called up to offer his rose is Nick Viall Jr. who had been spending what little time he had in Paradise with Twin #1. However, in her voice-over, Twin #1 makes clear she’s so far unimpressed. “He’s a poor man’s Nick Viall,” she explains.


luke and nick bachelor excited to see where it goes

Nick Viall Jr.: Offers his rose to ~needle scratch~ Fake Australian who ~NEEDLE SCRATCH~ declines it.

Chris Harrison is like, “HOLY SHIT, WELL, THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE,” before asking if there are any other women who want Nick Viall Jr.’s rose, and everyone avoids eye contact with both Chris Harrison and Nick Viall Jr., so Chris Harrison is like, “Welp, out you go then. Adios, chump.”

Luke BIP Adios.jpeg

And then everything else unfolds exactly as expected:

Old Matt Donald: Fake Australian
Humphrey Bogart: Empty Gift Box
John Paul Jones: Piggyback Ride
Yab Yum: Batman
Play-Doh: Miami Mami
Red Flag: Kristian
Smug Chris: V-Card

This means we send home Another NBA Dancer, Manchurian Speaker, and Twin #1.

The next morning, Chris Harrison returns to Paradise with some good news: Bachelor in Paradise is over. HOORAY! SEE YOU NEXT SUMMER, SUCKERS!

But first, we have to endure the Fantasy Suite Dates. Booooooo.

The couples who are remaining now must have serious conversations about whether or not they want to spend the night together and they should know that if they do hook-up, America will expect them to get engaged because we are still a very conservative culture despite what One Million Moms and the Parents Television Council and that Facebook poster I mentioned earlier might otherwise have you believe with all their pearl-clutching over wedding site commercials and innocent kisses on New Year’s Eve.

And so, each couple is forced to go off by themselves and have The Talk:

Old Matt Donald & Fake Australian:

As they walk to the beach, Old Matt Donald voice-overs that Fake Australian is so much more than a “supermodel” that she is so “awesome and sweet.” And if he can walk away with a “supermodel” as a girlfriend, he’d be living the dream. He then sits her down and tells her that she looks gorgeous, “you supermodel, you.” And Fake Australian, who has clearly had it UP TO HER PERFECT CHIN WITH THIS “SUPERMODEL” BULLSHIT is like, “Stop right there, I’m done. You’re clearly only interested in my exterior and frankly, you should have offered Another NBA Dancer your rose. Goodbye.”

Batman & Yab Yum:

Yab Yum is like, “Yeah, it’s been fun, but ain’t no way I’m proposing to you after knowing you for like a week. BYEEEEE.”

Empty Gift Box & Humphrey Bogart:

They choose to go on the Fantasy Suite Date.


Play-Doh & Miami Mami:

These two decide it’s a good idea to go on the Fantasy Suite Date.

tituss make sign of cross pray good luck

John Paul Jones & Piggyback Ride:

John Paul Jones tells Piggyback that he loves her and hopes to dance with her on their wedding day, and Piggyback Ride is like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.” Piggyback tells him that while she will “cherish” what they had in Paradise, he can’t possibly know what he wants in a partner. John Paul Jones becomes upset with her for trying to tell him how he feels, and after telling her that she’s the most amazing woman he’s ever met, he gets up and leaves.

Piggyback Ride bursts into tears and chases after him, apologizing. For some reason, he picks her up in his arms and carries her a few feet before depositing her on the ground and walking dramatically out of Paradise. Uh … OK.

Red Flag & Kristian:

They agree to go on the Fantasy Suite Date, which, considering they were dating before Paradise feels fairly anticlimactic but fine.

V-Card & Smug Chris:

At first, Smug Chris is definitely setting V-Card up to be dumped, to the point where he begins talking about their “crazy” “awesome” and “unpredictable” journey, and V-Card is like, “I DON’T WANT THIS. I DON’T WANT THIS AT ALL.”

But then, somehow, she manages to talk him into going on the date? I don’t know, it’s some Jedi Mind Trick shit. Just be careful what you wish for, Sweetie.

good luck with all that

And, honestly? That goes for all the couples who remain. Good luck with all that.

The rejects still in Paradise:

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The rejects who have been further rejected:

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Bachelor in Paradise aired this summer. What am I even doing?

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