Bachelor in Paradise
August 27, 2019
OH HELLO HI.
So I was already WAAAAAY behind on these damned recaps, but then school started for my youngest, my oldest was getting ready for college — only to have his plans be sidetracked by a hurricane (no, he’s not going to school in Alabama) which disrupted our plans to take him across the country to school, the fall TV season is breathing down my neck, and also, I hate everyone on these shows.
But I’m back now, and though there is no chance I’m going to be able to recap 8 hours of this bullshit before Tuesday’s finale, I might be able to get through 4 hours of it? Maybe? But don’t count on it? What you can count on is that I will finish this season because I have not endured 16 hours of this crap to not see it all the way through.
When I left these idiots some three, four years ago, Kewpie Doll had taken Miss North Carolina aside to talk after having just given her his weekly rose and she was all, “Hahahaha you’re making me nervous you’re definitely not dumping me right because it’s my birthday and that would really and truly suck and I SWEAR TO GOD YOU BETTER NOT BE DUMPING ME BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT HERE AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU WHAT WOULD NOT HELP YOUR ALREADY CRAP REPUTATION WITH BACHELOR NATION, FRIEND.”
He dumps her.
Kewpie Doll dumps Miss North Carolina because he doesn’t think their lifestyles are compatible, as he wants to live in a van down by the river, and presumably she, as a normal adult, does not. He believes that she deserves someone better and who values showers more than him. And with that, he leaves Paradise FOREVER.*
There are many tears. The next morning, even more tears. And not just from Miss North Carolina. John Paul Jones is having a full-on sobbing fit because Piggyback Ride accepted a rose from Charlie Brown’s Teacher before he could offer her his rose. He sobs to Cowboy that he’s “BEEN LOOKING FOR HIS WIFE SINCE HE WAS 18 YEARS OLD.” You know, normal stuff.
Meanwhile, the object of his affections and delusions, Piggyback Ride, she finds a large wedding present addressed to the group and calls everyone over to open it. Surprise! It’s a wedding invitation to Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled’s wedding (and an opportunity to get out of this sand and crab-filled hellscape). Yay! says everyone except for Play-Doh who realizes he will be face-to-face with the woman he dumped recently, Batman.
So, the wedding. The wedding is like any wedding you’ve ever been to but with 1,000% more Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, including Connor from Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, whom I nicknamed “Vocal Fry” for reasons that are perfectly obvious the moment he opens his mouth. Vocal Fry, it would seem, was one of the men a number of female Paradise contestants had hoped would be participating, especially Olya Povlatsky and Miss North Carolina who apparently have the EXACT same taste in men.
Elsewhere, John Paul Jones is considerably more aggravated about Charlie Brown’s Teacher and Piggyback Ride spending time together, and bitches in an interview that Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like that creepy guy who graduated high school five years ago but keeps coming back to the parties to talk to girls.
Note: John Paul Jones is 24. Charlie Brown’s Teacher is 31. Piggyback Ride is 28. She is literally closer in age to Charlie Brown’s Teacher than to John Paul Jones.
When the doors to the wedding open, JPJ makes sure to plop himself down next to Piggyback to yammer at her about WHAT A VERY BAD DUDE Charlie Brown’s Teacher is and how she REALLY REALLY REALLY shouldn’t date him. Piggyback, however, is not interested in having this conversation right now and tells him to shut it.
The wedding begins, marking the first time Play-Doh sees Batman again, which Miami Mami definitely notices and which Batman DEFINITELY notices. As for the ceremony itself, I had written in my notes, and I quote, “I’m not going to recap this nonsense” and I’m not going to betray my former self.
After everyone heads to what I had assumed was the reception, where Piggyback Ride gushes to Trauma Care (who is back for the wedding) about Charlie Brown’s Teacher, and John Paul Jones grouses at V-Card and Red Flag about Charlie Brown’s Teacher. According to JPJ, Charlie Brown’s Teacher runs a blog about Bachelor-related junk (in addition to his banking duties? who knows!) which he uses to hook up with fans. And, in fact, he invited JPJ to be on the podcast and take advantage of all the additional “benefits.” Red Flag, who had just dated Charlie Brown’s Teacher, is like, “I dated him for a few weeks, and he’s not this monster you’re describing. You need to chill.”
And does he chill? No! He does not chill! Instead, now even more heated, John Paul Jones decides that here, at this wedding between two people he does not know, he needs to confront Charlie Brown’s Teacher once and for all. John Paul Jones takes Charlie Brown’s Teacher aside and begins ranting about podcasts and creating content and girls and hookups and how he’s been looking for a wife SINCE HE WAS 18, and when Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like “whoa whoa whoa … ” John Paul Jones yells at him to not “insult [his] intelligence.” Charlie Brown’s Teacher, sadly, fails to point out that one must have some intelligence to begin with before it can be insulted.
Piggyback Ride, realizing that they are fighting over her, bursts into tears and begins flapping her arms and soon everyone is paying attention to these idiots’ attempts to totally ruin this wedding. Fortunately, the groom comes out and interrupts this nonsense to thank everyone for being there. Then he announces that the actual reception is about to begin but only some of the residents of Paradise are invited to attend because the producers are messy bitches.
Which means: “Empty Gift Box, Humphrey Bogart, Miss North Carolina, Cowboy, Mike Johnson, Olya Povlatsky, Piggyback Ride, and Play-Doh, enjoy yourself at the reception! All the rest of you, back to your sandbox, try not to think about what you’re missing — especially you, Miami Mami — and enjoy soaking in the FOMO.”
At the wedding, Cowboy pouts about how shitty his entire Paradise experience has been.
As for Cowboy’s previous two conquests, Miss North Carolina and Olya Povlatsky, they are both excited to have the opportunity to meet Vocal Fry, but it’s Miss North Carolina who gets to him first. After talking about how very much it sucks to be dumped by a dude who LIVES IN A VAN, Miss North Carolina proves she’s moved on by mashing her mouthparts against his. Kewpie Doll who?
Elsewhere, Play-Doh has to confront his past in the form of Batman, the bridesmaid and WOMAN OUT FOR SOME GODDAMNED VENGEANCE.
Play-Doh tells Batman that he’s been anxious about seeing her and that men have been approaching him wondering if she was available to date now (gross) and insists that she’s still a “special person” to him and that he only wants her happiness. “OK COOL,” she replies, “SO WHY ARE YOU HERE? Just two months ago you were telling me that you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else …”
Play-Doh is all, “Yes, but when we decided to end things …”
But BATMAN IS NOT HAVING IT: “No, YOU decided to end it.” He concedes this point and then tries to argue that the night he dumped her was the hardest night of his life.
Play-Doh then adds that he knows it’s selfish of him to be on Bachelor in Paradise right now, and he’s sorry. He begins talking about how when he didn’t make an NFL team he began to question what he was doing with his life, and he felt like he needed a new start. And by “new start” he meant “dump her.” But he does care about her. A LOT.
Meanwhile, Piggyback Ride, who is best friends with Miami Mami:
Back at Paradise, Miami Mami is FREAKING OUT at the idea of Play-Doh being alone with Batman (and should be), and John Paul Jones is STILL SO PISSED at Charlie Brown’s Teacher. Charlie Brown’s Teacher is busy telling All-4-Wells about being confronted by our floppy-haired moron at the wedding, insisting that he had NO IDEA John Paul Jones was into Piggyback Ride — despite the two of them giving each other roses and John Paul Jones making it abundantly clear that he was into her. But even still, the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t actually matter if John Paul Jones has feelings for Piggyback Ride because Piggyback Ride is not the possession of John Paul Jones. She is her own woman who does not need two men haggling over who she will be with because SHE CAN DECIDE FOR HERSELF WHOM SHE SHALL DATE.
Anyway, the point is, John Paul Jones joins Charlie Brown’s Teacher and All-4-Wells at the bar and declares that he regrets nothing and has no interest in being on Charlie Brown Teacher’s dumb little podcast. Charlie Brown’s Teacher is like, “I just offered the invitation to the podcast to be nice,” to which John Paul Jones once again demands that Charlie Brown’s Teacher not insult his intelligence.
The next morning the newest addition to Paradise arrives: Vocal Fry. After speaking with both Miss North Carolina and Olya Povlatsky, Vocal Fry invites Miss North Carolina on his date with him to Olya’s intense irritation. “I guess she does like my leftovers,” Olya hisses even though she (as far as I know) has not previously dated Vocal Fry.
For their date, they meet that Hunger Games bartender from last season …
… who explains that they will paint each other’s bodies and then roll around on a canvas to make some “art.” And by art, he means a muddy greenish-brown mess that will immediately be tossed into the trash if not actually set afire.
After, over margaritas, Miss North Carolina assures Vocal Fry that she’s excited about a relationship with him and that Kewpie could never offer her what she was looking for. Namely, a stable life with a working shower. Cheers!
Elsewhere, Piggyback Ride warns Miami Mami that Play-Doh was talking with Batman the night before, and it didn’t look like he was over her. “WELL GOOD THING THE WEDDING IS OVER AND SHE’S GONE BACK HOME AND WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE HER AGAIN,” Miami Mami does not say but is desperately wishing loudly through the TV.
Play-Doh takes Mami aside for a chat where he tells her that his talk with Batman didn’t go as well as he had hoped. Batman is still SO PISSED at him, and honestly, who can blame her? Miami Mami, bracing herself, asks if he told Batman he was seeing someone, and he assures her he did, before insisting that he wants to be with Mami and she has nothing to worry about.
Which, of course, only means one thing:
CUE BATMAN’S ENTRANCE.
The rejects still in Paradise:
The rejects who have been further rejected:
*Ain’t no chance he’s left Paradise forever. NO. CHANCE.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.