Hey! I have some actual TV news! (But only just a little and then some cute animal videos.)

Well, here’s a little bit of TV news while I am still busy taking care of family bidness: Fall TV begins in about two weeks. (Technically, Dancing with the Stars returns next week, but who cares, and also, fuck right off, Sean Spicer.) But I’ve collected the return and premiere dates for everything in this handy gallery over at Chron.com, so that you can start planning your schedule now.

While we wait for September 23, be sure to vote in my hate blog poll. Emergence and Evil are still battling it out and last I checked, the difference was all of two votes. Vote now (and for the next 14 days) or forever hold your peace.

And now, for being so patient, here’s your dose of cute for the day, two dogs who have won both of the Best Acting in a Lead Role Oscars:

Best Actress:

Best Actor (sound on for this one):


Bachelor in Paradise: SOMEHOW THIS IS NOT THE FINALE. FUCK ME.  7 p.m., ABC

Mr. Mercedes: Lou faces trial in the season premiere. 9 p.m., Audience

Ghosted: Love Gone Missing: Rachel from The Bachelorette helps people hunt down the people who ghosted them in relationships. Borderline stalkery? YES. MAYBE. Series premiere. 8 p.m., MTV

Bring the Funny: The final contestants battle it out to win yukster of the year. Or something. I don’t actually watch this series. Season finale. 9 p.m., NBC
Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: John McEnroe, Toni Collette, the Hold Steady, Terri Lyne Carrington
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Ansel Elgort, Jodi Kantor, Megan Twohey
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Angela Bassett, Jim Gaffigan
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Ed Helms, Don Lemon, Mystery Musical Guest
  • The Daily Show: Brad Smith
  • Lights Out with David Spade: TBA
  • Watch What Happens Live: Vicki Gunvalson, Ryan Serhant

TUES. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Bachelor in Paradise
The Conners
The Conners
NCIS: New Orleans
CW Pandora
Mysteries Decoded
FOX The Resident
First Responders Live
NBC America’s Got Talent
Bring the Funny

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