‘The Bachelorette’: When push comes to body slam

The Bachelorette
June 3, 2019

Chris Harrison begins the week of dates by telling the men to pack their shit, they are headed to Newport, Rhode Island and they are never coming back! I mean, unless they’re the lucky guy chosen to be the next Bachelor! But we’ll talk about that later! So say goodbye to the stench of dirty laundry, protein powder, and rapidly deteriorating egos, we’re hitting the road!

The men arrive at the Newport resort where they are staying where they receive the first date card: “Guitar Guy at the Party: Meet me in Boston.”

Wait, wait … why didn’t they just stay in Boston? Boston is over an hour away from Newport, so … I guess they got the block of rooms in Newport for free?

In Boston, Hannah gives us a brief history lesson, explaining that someone threw tea “in some body of water” and claims there was a “chant” that went something like, “no taxation, no representation?” Or something. It was a long time ago, y’all.

Guitar Guy arrives and the pair go to Quincy Market to stare at lobsters, swing by the Cheers bar, do some painful product placement, and make up a bunch of not particularly funny Boston facts because we live in Trump’s America now and facts no longer matter.

They then go to the Celtics’ training court where they meet up with two Celtics players, Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown, and either Guitar Guy and Hannah are both very tall or Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown are very not, but there’s a remarkable lack of height difference between everyone considering we are talking about professional basketball players here. (As it turns out, Jaylen Brown is a respectable 6’7″, but Terry Rozier is a normal-sized 6’1″. And now these completely useless facts will replace something important in my life like my social security number or my wedding anniversary, that’s just how memory works.)

The four play a game of two-on-two, and then Hannah gets relationship advice from Jaylen Brown, and I was going to crack a joke about taking relationship advice from a professional sportsballer, but it turns out Brown is known to be a fairly philosophical and intellectual guy so what do I know? Nothing. I know nothing.

Oh, and this happens, which to Guitar Guy’s credit, is pretty impressive:

That evening at “dinner,” Guitar Guy makes a confession: he didn’t come on the show for the “right reasons.” As a singer/songwriter, he saw The Bachelorette as an opportunity and platform — as an unknown musician, why wait around for The Bachelor to tap you to perform one of their “private concerts” when you could just go on as a contestant and find excuses to play your guitar, right? BUT! Now he really likes her and wants to be with her and now none of the other men can try to claim he’s here just to promote himself so suck it, other men. Hannah asks if he’s interested in marriage, and Guitar Guy is like, “I’ll say whatever it takes to stick around and perform more, so sure?” She offers him the date rose.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: “Humphrey Bogart, Johnny Appleseed, John Paul Jones, Vocal Fry, Arnold Palmer, The Tony Robbins Fan, Not a Virgin, The Dude, Pilot Peter, Fumbles, Mike Johnson, Nick Viall Jr., Shower Jesus: True love requires blood, sweat, and tears. Hannah.”

The next day, the men are brought to Fort Adams to … play rugby? Sure. The historic Fort Adams, famous for its rugby.

After some quick training sessions, and Shower Jesus explaining to us that he’s never played rugby, but he did play high school football (“Yeah, you did, you dumb slab of meat,” says my son from the next chair), the men are separated into teams and according to one of the dummies, “1,000 people” are brought in to watch.

Narrator voice: There were maybe 100 people.

Rugby rugby rugby and then Fumbles manages to hurt his shoulder asks for a medic. Soon he’s in an ambulance being cut out of his shirt and taken to the hospital.

The game continues, however, and no one is more intense about it than Shower Jesus. In fact, Shower Jesus is so aggro’d up that one point, in the corner of the frame, on the sidelines, and nowhere near the actual game, Shower Jesus bodyslams Nick Viall, Jr. before kneeing him in the face. Later, Shower Jesus tries to make nice with Nick Viall, Jr., saying that he’s sorry, but that it was just “self-defense.” Nick Viall, Jr. is all, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO, I DON’T WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND, YOU LUNATIC.”

That night, Hannah starts the cocktail party by explaining that Fumbles is still at the hospital but that he’ll be fine. And with that, SHOWER JESUS. TIME TO TALK.

Shower Jesus, smart enough to know that he needs to shape the narrative before Nick Viall, Jr. can spin it, explains that he and Nick Viall, Jr. had an “encounter” on the rugby field: Shower Jesus had the ball and stiff-armed Nick Viall, Jr., making Nick Viall, Jr. SO ANGRY. Then, Nick Viall, Jr., he charged Shower Jesus and took a swing at him, so Shower Jesus did what Shower Jesus had to do to defend himself, he bodyslammed Nick Viall, Jr. Shower Jesus explains that he’s really trying to do his best after their talk last week, and doesn’t want something like this to make her doubt his character.

Hannah asks if Shower Jesus has had any issues with any of the other men, and he’s like, “Nope! And now that I think about it, there are some other red flags when it comes to Nick Viall, Jr., like the way he never talks about you and only about his tequila brand? I’m praying for him.”

Hannah calls Nick Viall, Jr. in and asks him about his version of the events as they unfolded on the rugby field, and he explains that Shower Jesus suddenly looked at him with a glazed look in his eye (a look that was evident on screen the entire time) and the next thing he knows, Shower Jesus body slammed him, knocking the wind out of him, and then kneed him in the head. Hannah tells Nick Viall, Jr. that Shower Jesus said he thinks Nick Viall, Jr. is “frustrated” with him, and Nick Viall, Jr. is like, “HELL YEAH, I’M FRUSTRATED WITH SHOWER JESUS. First, he says he’s in love with you having known you for 48 hours, and then the next week he’s talking about walking off the show, and then today he attacks me. And it’s not just me, all of the men in the house feel this way about this asshole, just ask them!”

Hannah is like, “Alright, alright, but what about this tequila business?” Nick Viall, Jr. sighs heavily and says he can understand why she would be concerned about that, but it’s not true, he’s on the show for her. With that, she dismisses him, and he goes and sighs again in an interview that he doesn’t even have a tequila business up and running yet — a fact that seems to be confirmed online, and by the other men in the house who were like, “a tequila whatnow?”

Hannah then talks to all the other men, each and every one of whom are like, “SHOWER JESUS IS AN UNHINGED MANIAC WHO IS REALLY GOING TO HURT SOMEONE AND HE SHOULD PROBABLY GO HOME.” But Hannah is all, “Yeah, but really? Is he really?”

YES. REALLY.

Meanwhile, Fumbles returns from a Civil War field hospital:

… and all of the men confront Shower Jesus about attacking Nick Viall, Jr., led in the charge by Arnold Palmer and Mike Johnson. Shower Jesus suddenly doesn’t remember what happened on the sideline … he had the ball, he stiff-armed Nick Viall, Jr., Nick Viall, Jr. started cussing at Shower Jesus with clenched fists … it’s all a blur.

Arnold Palmer points out that Shower Jesus just said he didn’t remember what happened, so which is it? And this dumbass tries to claim that he remembers now as they are all sitting here talking about it. This outrages the men so much that one-by-one, they get up and leave until it’s just Shower Jesus and Nick Viall, Jr. But I’m sure there are some chicken nuggets somewhere nearby keeping them company, too.

While Arnold Palmer talks to Hannah about anything other than Shower Jesus and Nick Viall, Jr., Nick Viall, Jr. and Shower Jesus stare each other down.

Nick Viall, Jr. who … WAIT, OH MY GOD, I KNOW WHO HE LOOKS LIKE. Yes, he looks like Nick Viall, but there’s someone else he looks like and it was driving me crazy because I could not figure it out UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT. Nick Viall, Jr. actually looks exactly like Frankie, the 15-year-old daughter on Better Things.

DO YOU SEE IT? YOU SEE IT, RIGHT?

Meanwhile, the internet has figured out who Shower Jesus looks like:

Sorry, got distracted. Right so Nick Viall, Jr., he demands to know why Shower Jesus attacked him. Shower Jesus again tries to claim that he thought Nick Viall, Jr. was going to take a swing at him, and Nick Viall, Jr, is like, “LOOK AT ME, DUDE. DO I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE WHO WOULD TAKE A SWING AT ANYONE?” Nick Viall, Jr. insists that he is there for Hannah and he wants nothing to do with Shower Jesus. When Shower Jesus claims that he wants to get to know Nick Viall, Jr. on a “deeper level,” Nick Viall, Jr. grabs his chicken nuggets and leaves, heading straight for a camera to declare, “FUCK THAT GUY. I AM SERIOUS. FUCK THAT GUY.”

Indeed.

Anyway, Hannah gives Arnold Palmer the date rose, the end.

The one-on-one goes to Footloose, not that Hannah is in ANY MOOD FOR ANY OF IT. Hannah waits on a pier for Footloose to arrive, and begins crying over the whole Shower Jesus/Nick Viall, Jr. mess and how her feelings for Shower Jesus are the strongest BUT WHAT IF HE’S A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER and she’s just not sure she is even able to have a good day with this Footloose character AND SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE, QUITE FRANKLY.

But Footloose, he arrives anyway, and she sits him down to tell him that she is in NO KIND OF MOOD. Footloose, to his credit, responds with the whole, “If I can’t take you at your worst, I don’t deserve you at your best,” line, which sounds less like bullshit when someone isn’t saying it about themselves. She likes this response, and the two proceed to go lobstering, eating the lobsters they pull out of the ocean right there on the boat with nothing but some melted butter, yes gawd.

Soon, her mood has improved and the two head to “dinner” at what is supposedly the oldest tavern in America — so I guess they are at the White House Tavern in Newport? (Although, there is some disagreement on this point as there always is.) There, she tells him that she almost didn’t go on the date, that she had her suspicions about him and whether or not he was just a player, but that he surprised her and made her feel much better.

Footloose shares his sob story: he almost didn’t come on the show because his father almost died two months before he arrived on the show, in fact, his dad was in a coma for 10 days. But the two of them would watch The Bachelorette (sic — I’m pretty sure he meant The Bachelor) together and his dad became a huge fan of hers. Still, he wasn’t sure about the whole being on the show ting, until he got out of the limo and saw her, and it confirmed everything for him.

Hannah offers him the rose because how do you not offer the rose after all that. And then they go to a Jake Owen concert, and not only did I see multiple people say they know who Jake Owen is, one of my friends texted me to say that The Bachelorette has had singers she’s heard of for two weeks in a row.

As for me?

The rose ceremony cocktail party is held at the Belcourt, a 19th century, 50,000 square foot, 60 bedroom summer “cottage” that was intended to be used — and I’m not making this up — for six to eight WEEKS a year. However, what the men notice as they walk in are the iron lions out front. “This is an ALPHA male’s house,” one of these dingdongs yells.

Hannah arrives and gives a somber toast talking about how it’s been another hard week and she’s questioning some people’s characters. SHOWER JESUS. NICK VIALL, JR., I’M TALKING ABOUT Y’ALL EVEN THOUGH NICK VIALL, JR., YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT GET BODY SLAMMED AND KNEED IN THE FACE BY A ‘ROIDED UP MANIAC.

Hannah visits first with Pilot Peter, who asks her to be his girlfriend. He knows she’s dating 14 other guys, but it would still mean a lot if she would be his girlfriend. She agrees even though this means nothing.

Mike Johnson uses his time with her to discuss how he does not like the way she is being treated by some of the men ~cough~Shower Jesus~cough~, and then worries in an interview that she has a blind spot when it comes to some of the men ~cough~Shower Jesus~cough~.

Later, some of the men chat about how if Hannah gives Shower Jesus a rose, it will diminish the rose’s value. It’s around then that Shower Jesus joins them, and Mike Johnson is like, “Look, dude, I’m a straight shooter, and I have to tell you that I am furious with you for making Hannah miserable.” Shower Jesus tries to argue that he’s not the cause of Hannah being unhappy, and Mike Johnson is like, “YOU KNEED NICK VIALL, JR. IN THE FACE.” Shower Jesus tries to claim that he did no such thing, he merely grazed Nick Viall Jr.’s ear with his shin and anyway Mike Johnson didn’t see it happen, so he doesn’t know what he is even talking about. Mike Johnson proceeds to point out that EVERYONE SAW WHAT HAPPENED and that Shower Jesus is a lying, aggressive, overly violent, unstable psychopath.

Shower Jesus, literally:

Then, because this dingbat is The Bachelorette‘s version of Teresa Giudice, Shower Jesus looks up the definition of “psychopath” on his phone, which he shows the camera to somehow prove it doesn’t apply to him.

Meanwhile, Nick Viall, Jr. decides he needs to try to undo some of the damage Shower Jesus has inflicted on his reputation with Hannah. He sits her down and explains that the last few days have been particularly difficult for him, having his character be questioned. He was raised by social workers, and his moral fiber is incredibly important to him. But Hannah, she is Not Impressed, and declares that she is irritated with both him and Shower Jesus, goodbye.

Nick Viall, Jr. marches out to the group where he tells them that Hannah doesn’t trust him thanks to what Shower Jesus said about him and this tequila business, before asking Shower Jesus directly if he really believes that about him, that he’s just here to promote himself and a company THAT DOES NOT EVEN EXIST YET. Shower Jesus suddenly has a change of heart and declares that he does not believe that, he believes that Nick Viall, Jr. is here for the right reasons, and he’s going to tell Hannah as much. Arnold Palmer is like, “that’s a great start, but you can’t just say, ‘Nick Viall, Jr. is here for the right reasons,’ you have to say ‘I was wrong, what I said about Nick Viall, Jr. was wrong.'” “OK!” Shower Jesus says, before heading in to talk to Hannah. “Will do!”

He does not. He does not do any of those things.

Instead, Shower Jesus goes to Hannah and claims that Nick Viall, Jr. asked him to put in a good word on his behalf.

Hannah, understandably, is confused by this, considering that Nick Viall, Jr. has had nothing good to say about Shower Jesus, and now he wants Shower Jesus to be his personal spokesman? So she calls Nick Viall, Jr. back in and asks about him asking Shower Jesus to speak on his behalf.

Nick Viall, Jr.:

He tries to explain that he did no such thing, he just asked Shower Jesus to tell her the truth. But Hannah, she is so in lust with Shower Jesus’ 74 abs that she is not following her own logic to its conclusion …

Nick Viall, Jr. returns to the group where he reveals to an astounded manherd what Shower Jesus did. And then Shower Jesus, this brazen liar, he tries to claim that Nick Viall, Jr. asked him to put in a good word for him around the corner where no one could see. All of the other men call bullshit on this, while Nick Viall, Jr. laments that he let someone so dumb outwit him.

brooklyn nine-nine self-burn ooh.gif

 

And that’s when Hannah enters the room and asks to speak to Shower Jesus and Nick Viall, Jr. together as if THAT’S going to clarify anything. What she needs to do is ask all of the other men what had happened, but it makes better TV to have a one-on-one confrontation, so that’s not going to happen.

No rose ceremony this week because CLIFFHANGER!

Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:

[GALLERY]

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:

[GALLERY]

The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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2 thoughts on “‘The Bachelorette’: When push comes to body slam

  1. “And now these completely useless facts will replace something important in my life like my social security number or my wedding anniversary, that’s just how memory works”
    Tell me your SS# and I promise to let you know what it is when you forget it. I’ll even kick in some box wine.

    Like

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