‘The Bachelor’: We’re all too old for this shit.

The Bachelor
February 4, 2019

The next stop for our Virgin Bachelor and his harem of beautiful dummies: Thailand, where upon arrival, Colton immediately takes an outdoor shower. After all, it has been like two whole episodes since we’ve seen his tiny pencil eraser nipples.

At the hotel, the women receive the first date card: “Never Been Kissed: Let’s go on a date so that I can kiss you and get this over already. Let’s experience something new. Colton.” And after receiving the date card, we join Never Been Kissed as she brushes her teeth, which is a first, I think, for this show, but also a means to remind us that she has every intention of losing her mouth purity.

That came out so much grosser than I intended.

(But it’s also true.)

The two meet on the beach before going to what Colton describes is a “floating city.” The floating city is actually called Ko Panyi, and it has a fascinating history: the village, built on stilts in the bay, was established by nomadic Malay fishermen in the 18th century. Back then, only people of Thai origin were allowed to own land, so the Malay fishermen were like, “FINE. WE’LL BUILD IN THE WATER THEN.” There is a floating soccer field.

The two wander around the market and have lunch where they feed one another which is gross and stupid when anyone does it …

PLEASE DO NOT BABY BIRD THE ADULT WOMAN.

… but even grosser when the cameramen are being urged to zoom in on their mouths because SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED, REMEMBER? HERE’S A BUNCH OF EXTREME CLOSE-UPS OF HIS MOUTH TO REMIND YOU.

No, really, if I have to look at this, SO DO YOU:

Screen Shot 2019-02-05 at 2.40.10 PMScreen Shot 2019-02-05 at 2.39.52 PMScreen Shot 2019-02-05 at 2.39.39 PM

SO. MUCH. MOUTH.

And then the two make whatever the opposite of conversation is:

“These rocks. The greenery.”

“Mmmmm.”

“It’s nice.”

“It’s special.”

“So unbelievable.”

“Mmmmm.”

That night at dinner, Colton asks Never Been Kissed about her romantic past and she reveals that there was one boy — or man, I suppose — whom she dated after college. According to Never Been Kissed, her friends basically bullied her into dating him because he “literally had everything on paper.” But after 8 months of dating, she decided that “it” wasn’t there.

OK, pause.

I’M SORRY, DID SHE JUST SAY SHE DATED SOMEONE FOR 8 MONTHS AND SHE NEVER KISSED THEM? AS AN ADULT? AN ADULT HUMAN? 8 MONTHS? SHE COULD HAVE LITERALLY CREATED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN THE TIME SHE SPENT “DATING” THIS PERSON AND THEIR LIPS NEVER TOUCHED?

I call bullshit on alllllllll of this. Not the never been kissed part, but the idea that she dated an adult man and he was cool with never kissing her after 8 months. I’m not suggesting that men are sexual deviants who can’t control their urges but I know very few adults — of either gender — who wouldn’t think it was strange that they hadn’t kissed the person they were going out with after three dates (or, frankly, one). And it would be one thing if she were saving her first kiss for her wedding day or some other poisonous purity bullshit, and that this guy was respectful of that or something, but she’s so horny to kiss Colton whom she is DEFINITELY NOT going to marry that she can barely keep it in her pants face. Another Story Time: A male friend of mine once became friends with a girl in college and they spent a lot of time hanging out, but nothing physical ever happened between them. So he was shocked to learn from a mutual friend some months later that she thought they were dating, and he had to politely let her know that was absolutely not the case. And what I’m saying is, I’m not sure that Never Been Kissed’s boyfriend had any idea they were dating for 8 months.

That, or he was gay.

Colton offers her the rose after this very suspicious story and then the two head out to the beach to watch the mandatory fireworks for their mandatory kiss. Congratulations, Never Been Kissed, you’re now as sexually experienced as most 12-year-olds.

Back at the hotel, Cougar Den has apparently woken up from her walking coma and discovered to her horror that she is a contestant on The Bachelor, and not, in fact, in a monogamous relationship with a twenty-something virgin. When the next date card arrives …

“Red Flag, Miss North Carolina, Miss Alabama, Another NBA Dancer, Piggyback Ride, Carp, Carrot Top, Miami Mami, Empty Gift Box, and Cougar Den: Will our love survive?”

… Cougar Den decides the answer to that question is a resounding, “NOPE. IT WILL NOT.”

And so Cougar Den goes full Miss Havisham and puts on one of her fancy dresses, does her makeup and does her hair, and waits for Never Been Kissed to return to the hotel. When she does, and the other women ask how her date was and Never Been Kissed replies that he kissed her and it was wonderful, Cougar Den is all “OH WOW I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO SET MYSELF ON FIRE.”

As Cougar Den dramatically marches out of the suite, the other women whisper worriedly that they hope she’s OK, and — in perhaps my favorite moment so far in this season– that she’s wearing her “statement dress…”

NOT HER STATEMENT DRESS!!!

Cougar Den marches over to Colton’s suite where she announces that she is just not temperamentally cut out to be on a dating show with twelve other women, a little personality trait that maybe she should have known about herself before signing up for this stupid show, but I digress.

And she insists that it’s not about jealousy …

… and it’s not about insecurity …

… it’s just that ultimately she just can’t accept a proposal from him after sharing him for several months with a bunch of other women. I MEAN THAT’S THE ENTIRE CONCEIT OF THE SHOW, BUT SURE, LADY.

And then everyone is crying and she’s walking away talking about what a fucking idiot she is and what a mistake she is making by leaving even though the real mistake was when she signed up for this show in the first place. But you know what? God bless and Godspeed, Cougar Den. I get it, you’re too old for this shit.

The next morning, Colton meets the women in the jungle for their group date where he introduces them to their guide, Joe, here to teach them how to survive in the jungle by eating grubs and drinking bamboo water and burning elephant shit.

After their heads are filled with survival skills that they will never ever use while living in the wilds of Los Angeles, the women are divided up into teams: Team One: Carp, Carrot Top, Another NBA Dancer and Miss North Carolina; Team With Colton: Miami Mami, Piggyback Ride, V-Card and Colton; and Team Amazing: Red Flag, Miss Alabama and Empty Gift Box. And while Team Colton and Team One are stupidly wandering around in the sweaty gross jungle gathering grubs and unpurified river water, Team Amazing does the only reasonable thing: they take a pedicab to the nearest resort where they gather champagne and cheeseburgers.

Team Amazing all deserve date roses. GIVE THEM ALL THE DATE ROSES, COLTON, BECAUSE THEY CLEARLY HAVE THE BEST SURVIVAL SKILLS.

That evening at the cocktail party, while Colton is canoodling with Piggyback Ride and patiently listening as Miss Alabama lies about falling in love with him, Carrot Top is telling Red Flag before she left, Cougar Den told her that Miami is committing the cardinal Bachelor sin: she’s not here for the right reasons. According to Carrot Top, according to Cougar Den, Miami Mami said that she’s just here to get out of Miami. Red Flag, who has never met a confrontation she didn’t fervently embrace is all, “YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO TELL HIM THIS. IMMEDIATELY.”

So Carrot Top does, and Colton is all, “This is literally my worst fear,” even though 6 hours ago in the jungle he claimed that snakes were his worst fear, so which is it, dude?

Colton then takes Miami Mami aside to ask her about this, and she’s all:

While Colton is off tattling to Miami Mami, Piggyback Ride informs Carrot Top that she got it all wrong: “Yeah, the thing is, Carrot Top, I was with Cougar Den and Miami Mami when they had the conversation that you are referring to — and which you were not at — and I’m here to tell you that Miami didn’t say any of the bullshit you’re claiming she said. All she said was that being on the show was an opportunity to change one’s life, not her big chance to get out of Miami. So, hope you feel good about what you did, you asshole.”

And then Colton comes back and gives Miss Alabama the date rose, good night.

Back at the hotel, Butterflies receives her date card: “I’m looking for love that is deeper than the sea.” So, the beach. Or a yacht date.

In fact, it is a little bit of both: they get on a boat (not a yacht) to go to what Colton describes as a “private island.” And I guess if a tiny sand bar counts as a “private island,” then sure, they’re living it up private island-style:

“Private Island” and not just “low tide.”

The two then proceed to chew on each other’s faces for the next three hours. They chew on each other’s faces in the water, they chew on each other’s faces on the private sand spit, then they chew on each other’s faces in the water some more. And you know who I feel sorry for? The cameraman stuck on this tiny disc of sand, forced to watch these two ding dongs dry hump each other for several hours.

That night they go to his hotel room where Butterflies shares her “big secret”: she’s NOT a virgin.

I mean, neither is anyone else on this show but Colton and Never Been Kissed, but sure, let’s all be shocked by this perfectly normal fact about a 23-year-old.

And then they make out some more in his bed, the end.

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Piggyback Ride takes Colton to the beach to release a lantern while the other girls coo about what a cute idea it was and how they wish they’d thought of it; Red Flag gives him some sort of purity trust ring; and Carp (who is sporting an unexplained bandage on her face …)

… pokes her fingers in his mouth and examines the contents. STOP IT WITH THE MOUTH BUSINESS.

And then the Miami Mami/Carrot Top crap explodes again. Miami takes Colton aside to insist, again, that this business of her being on the show just to get out of Miami is nonsense. But then she also adds that Carrot Top has been bullying her and belittling her, that Carrot Top has been telling people that she is emotionally unstable and telling her that she’s unworthy of love. Which is HILARIOUS if true, but I’m not buying it.

Colton then relays this story to Carrot Top who is all:

Colton then turns his attention to other women and Carrot Top turns her attention to Miami Mami because THIS SHIT WILL NOT STAND. Carrot Top demands to know when she ever said Miami was “unstable” or crazy and then begins calling her a liar. Things do not improve from there. Soon the women are bickering with one another and disturbing everyone’s wa, and Colton is forced to leave his conversation with V-Card to try to mediate the dispute. It doesn’t take long for Colton to discover he’s out of his depth with the stupid, and he storms off into the night to all the women’s alarm.

The episode ends with no rose ceremony and an unnecessarily dramatic TO BE CONTINUED title card, but we all know how this is going to end: both Carrot Top and Miami Mami are going home in the first five minutes of the next episode because neither of them has been receiving the romantic edit and Colton doesn’t need this aggravation. Even he, at 27, is too old for this shit.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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