May 28, 2018
For those of you who have somehow, miraculously, blissfully been unaware of what has happened in the last few months in our never-ending Bachelor storyline, a brief recap. Last season, Rachel the Bachelorette really wanted to marry Peter, the gap-toothed contestant who, to his astonishment, discovered days before the finale that he was on a reality dating show whose entire conceit is that the “winner” becomes engaged to the star of the series and remain engaged for at least 6 months or so, per the contract. Horrified, Peter told Rachel that he absolutely was not prepared to marry someone he had only known for two months, so she dumped him and got engaged to Mr. Second Best.
Despite calls from fans to make Peter the Bachelor for this most recent season, because I suppose they wanted to watch him go through the motions all over again only to break someone else’s heart, ABC decided to go with a guy who they thought would be a safer bet, and went back into the Bachelor vault to recruit one Arie Luyendyk Jr., a race car driver who lost on St. Emily’s season to a skateboarding Mormon elf.
For the most part, Arie was boring but harmless during his season, until he wasn’t. Towards the end of the season, Arie (or “Needledick” as one heroine Bachelorette called him) started telling ALL of his contestants that he was in love with them. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when after choosing Becca in the finale, Needledick changed his mind, called the Bachelor cameras back so he could dump Becca in front of the world for maximum embarrassment, and then went and proposed to his bland second choice, some woman whose name I refuse to remember out of principle.
And this is how we begin this season: our Bachelorette, Becca, sobbing — tears literally streaming down her nose — over Polaroids of herself with Needledick, before standing out in the Minnesota snow wondering what the actual fuck she is doing with her life. Maybe it’s the cold that broke her brain, because for some ridiculous reason, this one right here thinks that the best way to recover from being manipulated and humiliated by a reality TV program is to return to that program and try again.
Let the nonsense begin!
First stop: a greenhouse in snowy Minnesota so Becca can stare at flowers while yammering in a narration about second chances and being excited about being chosen for this shitshow and how she has confidence in the process.
Next: off to California, where Becca meets with former Bachelorettes and ostensibly brides-to-be, Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel. Rachel, God bless her, cuts to the chase and says “Fuck him,” — him being Needledick — before all the women insist that this will be a supergreat experience for Becca. But first, they need to sage the McMANsion because the decontamination professionals can only clean out so much.
Oh and then the women toast, “Let’s do the damn thing,” and let us all hope that is the last damn time we hear that damn thing.
Meet the only guys who probably need to remember after this episode
Clay (30, Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL)
Clay is one of the two “NFL players” on the show (although it should be noted that neither is actually signed with a team at the moment), and he seems Very Nice, Very Gentle, Very Polite and there is Very No Chance he makes it to the hometowns.
Garrett (29, Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV)
One of the only things that was included in Garrett’s bio was that he does a Chris Farley impersonation so we can’t claim we weren’t warned. Still, it’s one thing to see written on a page that someone does a Chris Farley impersonation, it’s a whole other thing to actually see it in practice.
Jordan (26, Male Model, Crystal River, FL)
If I wrote a screenplay or tried to publish a story in which the main character was a male model with a spectacular lack of self-awareness who described his “signature look” to be “the pensive gentleman,” I would be sued eight ways to Sunday by Ben Stiller and Scott Rudin for copyright infringement. How is this a real person?
Lincoln (26, Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA)
We met Lincoln at the “After the Final Rose” special and everyone was all, “OOOH, HE’S SO CHARMING” but methinks he’s going to turn out to be too charming. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING BEHIND ALL THAT CHARMING, LINCOLN?
Joe (31, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL)
Meet the first contestant on this season of Bachelor in Paradise!
Jean Blanc (31, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL)
I know y’all just love it when I pause the ha-has to get all personal up in here, but for the past four months or so, I’ve been dealing with some nasty contact dermatitis on my eyelids — sexxxxxxy, I know. My dermatologist and I have been trying to figure out what the FUCK I’ve been rubbing all over my eyelids to cause this, which happens to be something of a mystery since I don’t wear makeup, I don’t use moisturizers and the strongest soap I use on my face is Dove (and even that had to be eliminated so I’m basically washing my face with a bar soap that is composed of water and thoughts and prayers). After doing a series of patch tests — which is a fun process in which they slap a bunch of chemical slathered stickers on your back for several days (several showerless days) to see what you have an allergic reaction to — it turns out that I am mildly allergic to everything. Mascara? Yep. Cortisone cream? Yep. Preservatives? Yep. Black rubber? Sure, why not. Fragrances? Oh HELLLLLL yep.
Which brings me to our new friend, Jean Blanc, self-described “colognoisseur.” Jean Blanc is very handsome and seems like a lovely human being, but just looking at his cologne collection made my entire face break out in hives.
Also, never trust someone who will spend $1200 on perfume while choosing to live in Pensacola.
Colton (26, Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO)
Mr. All-American here was literally named after the
Indiana Indianapolis Colts because that is how American and how white he is. He himself played in the NFL until an injury forced him to leave the sport. He now runs a foundation to help kids with Cystic Fibrosis and I am trying to find something snarky to say about this guy, but, y’all, I got nothing.
Bring in the limos
Colton (see above)
Colton emerges from the limo with a pair of confetti guns, to “get this thing poppin’.”
Grant (27, Electrician, Danville, CA)
The only thing funny (or memorable at all) about Grant — whose bio promises a “great sense of humor!” and a “healthy dose of sarcasm!” — is his hair, the style of which I can only assume is called “Lost a Bet.”
Clay (see above)
Clay comes out of the limo armed with a bunch of football puns which makes me so sad for him, and — weirdly — has me rooting for him that he has something ANYTHING else to say to her. Because if this is all he’s got, some bad puns about being “passed” up and “catching” her inside, I will be very very sad for him.
Jean Blanc (see above)
Jean Blanc, who is originally from Haiti, attempts to teach Becca how to say “let’s do the damn thing” in French, fails. She also notes that he smells good — which I’m sure he does, as sure as I am that being near him would send me into anaphylactic shock.
Connor (25, Fitness Coach, St. Petersburg, FL)
Connor instructs Becca to close her eyes — and, lemme just stop you right there, big guy, but no woman wants a strange man to approach her and tell her to close her eyes. In fact, most women don’t want men they know well to do that to them, so … don’t. — but she obliges because I suppose there are plenty of witnesses around. He then drops to one knee, pulls out a ring box, tells her to open her eyes and announces that he’s “ready to do the damn thing.” How novel.
ALRIGHT, WE AGREE THAT NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO SAY IT AGAIN, EVER, RIGHT?
Joe (see above)
Joe forgets what he was going to say to Becca, goes inside, packs his bags for Bachelor in Paradise.
John (28, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA)
John opens with a story about how his grandparents fell in love overnight, and Becca is like, “Cool.”
Leo (31, Stuntman, Studio City, CA)
This Dothraki Screamer emerges from the limo, asks for a hug, and then releases his man bun to reveal a full mane of man hair. Becca appears to be less impressed by this than he seems to have expected.
Jordan (see above)
Also fairly certain he can “get it” just by fixing Becca with his “pensive gentleman” is our walking Ken doll, who is pretty sure his “shark skin” suit, necktie and tap shoes (???) will catch her attention.
Rickey (27, IT Consultant, San Diego, CA)
Rickey tells Becca that she is “gorgeous,” and “intelligent” and despite this very abbreviated glimpse at his welcome, he seems to radiate good energy. But don’t grow attached.
Alex (31, Construction Manager, Atlanta, GA)
Becca likes his tie. That’s literally all she says about him for the entirety of the episode. Don’t grow attached to him, either.
Nick (27, Attorney, Orlando, FL)
This one shows up in a race car driver’s suit because … he wants to remind her of Needledick? What the hell is this strategy?
Mike (27, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH)
But he’s not the only dumbass in the lineup who thought, “I know how I’ll make a great first impression: Upon getting out of the limo, I’ll be all, ‘hey, remember how you were dumped on national television by a no-chin-having Scottsdale real estate agent? That was HILARIOUS!'” Because this fool gets out of the limo with a life-sized cutout of Needledick which is EXACTLY what Becca wanted/needed in her life right now.
Garrett (see above)
Chris Farley pulls up in a minivan complete with a car seat, diaper bag, and a soccer ball, and presumably littered with Goldfish crumbs and a few 8-month-old french fries tucked in between the seats for good measure. And damned if Becca doesn’t completely fall for this nonsense. I swear to God, Becca, if you marry a Chris Farley impersonator, you’re going to end up living in this MINIVAN … DOWN BY THE RIVER.
Blake (28, Sales Rep, Bailey, CO)
Blake, who arrives on an ox — because his feelings for Becca are “as strong as an ox” — is the same guy who showed up to the “After the Final Rose” special on a horse. He’s what you might call a “one trick pony.”
Lincoln (see above)
Lincoln, who also was introduced on the “After the Final Rose” special, arrives with a piece of cake for some reason. It’s his birthday? Unclear. Something something has his cake and eats it too something or other.
Chase (27, Advertising VP, Sanford, FL)
Chase was also among the five men Becca met in the “After the Final Rose” special, and he makes a crack about how the chase makes it all worthwhile in the end.
Darius (26, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Sherman Oaks, CA)
Fourth of the five men Becca met in the “After the Final Rose” special, Darius, admits he’s not as nervous thanks to this being his second time to meet her. Meanwhile, inside the other men seethe.
Ryan (26, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA)
Ryan, the fifth of the five men she met in the “After the Final Rose” special, arrives sans banjo which was his whole thing. He does, however, appear to be wearing the same jacket he wore the first time he met her, which I know because it is quite memorable, having been constructed from the fabric of a 1977 couch:
BOY, PUT THE BANJO AWAY AND GET A REAL JOB THAT WILL PAY YOU ENOUGH TO BUY ANOTHER JACKET.
Christon (31, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA)
Christon — for someone who ends up being fairly memorable later in the evening — his entrance was so forgettable, I literally forgot it until I arrived at the end of the list and realized I didn’t have all 28 men. You best be glad you can dunk, Christon.
Wills (28, Realtor, Naples, FL)
Wills introduces himself as a nerd, and from his bio we know that he’s a huge Harry Potter fan. And I would make fun of him, but I took my kid to Universal Studios last summer just to go to the Wizarding World, I know what my House is as well as my patronus, so I’m not really in any position to snark here.
Jason (29, Sr. Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA)
Jason has his own handshake.
Kamil (30, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY)
THIS ASSHOLE! This asshole gets out of the limo but stops before reaching Becca, and demands that she meet him “halfway” because he wants an equal partnership. Becca is all, “I’m game,” and begins to walk towards him but he backs up, and demands instead of 50/50, she give him “60/40.” Becca, thank God, refuses, because fuck that noise right in the fucking ear.
ALSO, “SOCIAL MEDIA PARTICIPANT” IS NOT A CAREER. WE ARE ALL SOCIAL MEDIA PARTICIPANTS, FUCKO. WE ARE ALL SOCIAL MEDIA PARTICIPATING RIGHT NOW.
Jake (29, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN)
As soon as Jake steps out of the limo, Becca recognizes him as being an acquaintance from Minnesota and she’s all, “Yeah, that’s weird.”
Trent (28, Realtor, Naples, FL)
Trent arrives in a hearse because when he found out she was the Bachelorette, he “literally died, but then [she] brought [him] back to life.”
Christian (28, Banker, San Diego, CA)
Gives her a spin as a means of introduction.
David (25, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO)
David is our obligatory “wacky costumed contestant” who arrives in a chicken suit, clucking, “BEC-KAH! BEC-KAH! BEC-KAH!” before making a bunch of chicken puns because.
Chris (30, Sales Trainer, Orlando, FL)
Chris explains that he knows the only way to win Becca’s heart is to win her Uncle Gary’s heart (ugh) so he brought a gospel choir with him because Becca’s Uncle Gary is an African-American Baptist Preacher? Where are you going with this, Chris?
On to the Drinking Part
The manherd complete, Becca goes inside to give her welcome toast and is immediately whisked away by the guy who “proposed,” Connor, prompting Zoolander to wonder if he dropped his “playbook,” only for Connor to pick it up and use it. But considering Connor doesn’t take Becca aside to gaze pensively at her over a glass of whiskey or a book, I’m thinking that in fact, he did not.
Instead, Connor slices the cork of a bottle of champagne with a sword — which cool! — but then takes the first swig of champagne for himself before offering it to Becca — which not cool! So, whichever “playbook” our swashbuckling friend is using here, it does not contain a chapter on chivalry.
Becca then talks to Clay who invites her to play with Play-Doh because “Clay.” Ugh, come on, bro, you are killing me. He yammers on about how much he would love to show her his hometown of 3,000 people. This will never ever happen.
That John guy reveals that he helped developed Venmo — and now I have to root against him because I hate Lucas.
Christon leads Becca outside to a basketball hoop (or as Ted Cruz calls it, a “basketball ring”) positions her in front of it, places a basketball in her hands and asks her to trust him. He then leaps over her head, grabbing the ball at the same time and dunking it, and BECCA IS NOT A HOBBIT PERSON LIKE YOUR TRUSTY BLOGGER. I’m impressed she didn’t pee her pants because I can not say for certain I would have been so calm.
The men then break into a spontaneous game of basketball, while Becca yells “There are so many balls!”
After the men play some basketball — while over on another network, another group of men were playing basketball horribly AND BREAKING MY GODDAMN HEART — there’s a quick montage of Becca making small talk with the other men: Grocery Store Guy sold watermelons! Mr. Cologne gives her a candle with a poem etched on the metal lid! Darius makes her dance with him! She and Cowboy Blake bond over being dumped! Lincoln gives her a Nigerian bracelet! Chris Farley teaches her to fly fish in the pool!
But it’s not all watermelons and fly fishing. In a plot stolen from last season, it turns out that Gospel Choir kinda knows Chase from home and explains to some of the other men that thanks to a text he received from one of Chase’s ex-girlfriends, he’s concerned that Chase isn’t here for “the right reasons.”
The other men encourage Gospel Choir to talk to Chase about it — after what Becca has been through, she doesn’t need another asshole in her life — and to Gospel Choir’s credit, he takes this story to Chase, not Becca.
Chase then takes Becca aside, explains that he wants to get ahead of this story about him, brings Gospel Choir in to tell his side of the mess, and explains that he wanted her to know the whole story so that nothing would jeopardize “what [they] have together:” their three-hour-long relationship.
This gives Becca pause about another man in the group she is concerned isn’t here for “the right reasons,” and she grabs Jake from Minnesota to talk privately. Becca points out that they have crossed paths many times back home, so why didn’t he just ask her out then? Why come all this way and do all of this nonsense? Jake tries to claim that while its true they’ve met a few times back home, he’s had a “transformative year,” and Becca is all, “Nope, no thank you, that sounds like bullshit, goodbye,” and sends him to the Go Away Van.
After she walks him out, Becca returns inside and is all, “I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE. Y’ALL BEST BE COOL.”
She then chats with Harry Potter who shows her his expecto patronum tattoo; and All-American who tells her about his Cystic Fibrosis foundation, because you’re definitely going to want to lead with that.
And when all is said and done, she ends up giving Chris Farley the First Impression Rose because what woman can resist a dirty minivan?
Line Up, Lunkheads
Because it is 5 o’clock in the morning, it is time to pass out the rest of these damn roses and go to bed.
Rose #1: Lincoln
Rose #2: Cowboy
Rose #3: Rickey
Rose #4: Monsseiur Colognoisseur
Rose #5: Smooth
Rose #6: Play-Doh
Rose #7: Harry Potter
Rose #8: Swashbuckler
Rose #9: Jason the Disney-singing banker
Rose #10: Venmo
Rose #11: Banjo
Rose #12: Nice Tie
Rose #13: The Fake Race Car Driver
Rose #14: The Corpse
Rose #15: Indiana Colt
Rose #16: Chicken Head
Rose #17: Zoolander
Rose #18: Khal Drogo
Rose #19: Man Bun #2
Rose #20: Gospel Choir
Which means we say goodbye to Chase who should really think harder about how he treats his ex-girlfriends; that asshole 60/40; Darius, who seemed like a very nice dancer; Christian, the suave soccer player; Grant and his unfortunate hair; and Grocery Joe, who immediately got on a plane and is in “Paradise” as I type this.
Pour one out for the men who weren’t even around long enough to earn a shitty nickname:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Becca. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. Lord box wine me strength.