‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Blame it on the lube

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Better Latex Than Never”
April 10, 2018

We are still in Berlin. Well, Lisa Vanderpump is not — she had to return to Los Angeles a day early because dogs — but the rest of the women are still in Germany where they are receiving massagesĀ and meeting pandas.

Dorit and Rinna receive foot rubs and talk about where everything stands with the women. Dorit, bless her little bird brain, chirps that everything is splendid between herself and all of the women, including and especially Kyle. Yeah, we’ll just see about that, you.

Speaking of Kyle, she and Teddi are left waiting for an hour in the hotel lobby for Erika to come down to go look at pandas. Eventually, they lose patience and head over to the zoo without her, only to stand around there and wait for her to show up. Erika finally appears, decidedly unglammed up and complaining that she has the crud. They then go look at a panda. That’s it. That’s all that happens.

The women return to the hotel where Kyle helps Teddi with her makeup to prepare for their evening boat ride (OH GOD) and dinner because Teddi is as helpless as I am when it comes to such things — which is to say, COMPLETELY HELPLESS. While Kyle applies Teddi’s eyeshadow, they talk about how while Teddi and Erika made nice at Kyle’s house, and while Erika and Teddi made nice on the trip, Erika did say that she would address the whole “pretend amnesia” issue with Teddi at a later date, and Teddi’s not a little bit nervous that a reckoning is coming.

The women all head down to the lobby in their ridiculous outfits (Lisa Rinna, for instance, is wearing a blazer. That’s it, a blazer.) except for Erika, always Erika. After waiting for her and waiting for her, the women get in the van where they note that it is 5:40, the boat leaves at 6 and according to the driver, it will take them 30 minutes to get to the dock. So they decide to leave Erika behind — even though it’s a private boat they hired that presumably is going nowhere without them. But that’s fine because Erika ends up taking a private car which is probably what she preferred anyway.

On the bus, by the way, Kyle tells Dorit that everything is cool between them.

Spoiler alert: everything is NOT cool between them.

Erika finally arrives at the bot in her red latex top, and Kyle being Kyle, apologizes to her for not waiting for her. But Erika, being Erika, is like, “Bitch, I’m the one who was late. Do you know how much baby powder and lube and nipple aligning it takes to look like this? I spent 30 minutes with five gay men adjusting my tits — that’s why I was late, so don’t apologize for a thing.”

And then they do shots, and Rinna removes her trenchcoat before taking off the blazer and dancing around in her teddy because the real reason Rinna is on this show is that it gives her a bigger platform to parade around mostly naked. And listen, she looks great! Especially for someone in her 70s! BUT MY GOD, RINNA, WE GET IT ALREADY, YOU CAN PUT IT AWAY.

Anyway, they have fun on the boat, no one fights, no one slaps anyone else, no one is flipped off, no one threatens to throw anyone else overboard.

It’s all very disappointing.

Erika then leads the women to dinner, which involves them teetering down a darkened alley in their no clothes and stiletto heels, through an abandoned art lounge and into a warehouse, where a perfectly average-seeming restaurant is hidden away, a restaurant that Erika insists is “invitation only” and only the coolest of the cool know about. Ok.

At dinner, Kyle becomes amorous with Erika’s latexed boobies, and Dorit bitches about the candles on the table not being lit because Dorit’s gonna Dorit.

Finally, Erika is all: “The reason I brought you all here today: ‘pretend amnesia.'” Erika dislikes this term because the “pretend” suggests she’s a liar, and Teddi’s like, “Yeah, and I apologized for it at the time and you still came at me like a rabid wolf, and it was A LOT.” Dorit chimes in that Erika scares Teddi — and Erika manages to not say: “BITCH, GOOD, THEN I’M DOING IT RIGHT” because as much as I admire Erika and thinks she is a badass, the truth is badasses are badasses because they are scary — and Erika softens a little because she doesn’t want to be scary. (But you are, Erika. Gurl, you terrify me. And I like it.)

Anyway, the two parties back down and make nice, and I am sure that is the end we will ever hear of it because if there is one thing these ladies are good at, it’s putting the past behind them and moving forward without looking back and holding insane grudges that reemerge during the reunions.

Back in Los Angeles, Lisa Vanderpump hangs out at VanderPets and pets puppies, I don’t even VanderKnow.

Erika heads to New York City to perform at some club on what I assume is Halloween based on all the clubgoers in costume, but, hey, it’s New York, you never know.

Rinna has no one to talk to but her dog because this is her life now.

Teddi and her family have THE MOST BORING DINNER EVER. WE SPEND 10 MINUTES WITH THESE BORES. WATCHING TEDDI’S 5-YEAR-OLD ORDER PASTA IS THE EXCITING PART. I WANT THAT PART OF MY LIFE BACK.

And Kyle continues to pack her damn house, now with the assistance of The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick.

Kyle remembers the good times:

And then Kyle gets all misty-eyed about how after today, she and her family will never sleep under this roof again. While I understand the sentiment: 1. Y’ALL HAVEN’T SOLD THE HOUSE YET, and 2. HALF OF Y’ALL’S SHIT IS STILL OVER THERE. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’LL NEVER BE BACK.

Kyle then swings by PINK HOUSE, where she and Lisa talk about some compassion award that Lisa won for her VanderDocumetary about dogmeat, and Kyle decides that she’s still angry with Dorit: how dare she bring up Pantygate! Even Erika thought it was ridiculous! And Lisa is all, yeah, leave VanderMe out of it.

Not shown: Lisa and Kyle agreeing that Kyle will bring up the Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine debacle at Dorit’s fashion show.

Finally, Dorit and PK swing by the location for her upcoming fashion show, where Dorit yells at everyone about how STRESSED OUT she is. The person who is actually running the show tells her that they weren’t able to get her palm trees but tries to cheer her up by describing how they are going to have some sort of dramatic curtain drop, which Dorit HATES but also demands it GO PERFECTLY. The guy who is actually running the fashion show informs Dorit that the runway is going to be 8 feet shorter than she had previously been told and Dorit very nearly dissolves into a film of anxiety and fury as if she had anything to do with the planning or rehearsals.

nathan fillion ok

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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