‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: On their high horses

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Holy Schnitzel”
April 3, 2018

Oh, Berlin … you are an amazing city filled with art and energy and friendly people and history and after my family visited you last summer, we all agreed that if Donald Trump were re-elected or replaced by Ivanka or pulled a Gilead, you would be the city we would pack up and move to, because we fell in love with you SO HARD. And considering everything that you’ve had to endure: the wars, Hitler (While I am not letting the Berliners off the hook for the rise of Nazism, one of the interesting things that I learned during my trip to Germany was that the Nazi movement began and grew in the more conservative Southern part of the country, while the more cosmopolitan and urbane Berlin resisted the movement. Not that this sounds EERILY FAMILIAR OR ANYTHING.), the Berlin Wall, a weird thing for David Hasselhoff … it seems completely unreasonable that you would now also have to deal with these morons. It’s not fair, and I am sorry. From all of America, es tut mir leid.

Teddi, Kyle and Rinna go to a café, where they order — and I’m not kidding — non-fat soy almond milk vanilla lattes, and Kyle sends her eggs benedict back 15 times for some bullshit reasons. GERMANY IS NOT LOS ANGELES, JESUS CHRIST, STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH ASSHOLES.

Elsewhere, Lisa Vanderpump, Dorit and Erika have gone to some giant shopping mall to shop with a personal shopper, the poor put-upon Axel, at whom they scream endlessly and demand that he feed them champagne even though it’s maybe 10 a.m. Dorit explains that when she buys overpriced designer clothes with friends while traveling internationally, she feels bonded to them. Because you know what they say: capitalism is love.

The ladies briefly return to the hotel before putting on their horse riding cosplay and head out to the country somewhere to harass some poor horses who haven’t done anything to deserve this.

Upon arriving, Kyle announces that she wants the mellowest horse in the stable and picks what is clearly a pony that no one over the age of 8 has any business riding.

~cue the flashback~

I was 15 years old, my older cousins (who were 19 and 18), one of their girlfriends (17), my younger cousin (11) and my sister (9) decided one day that we wanted to go horseback riding. First, we were lied to about how close the facility was to downtown Houston — turns out 20 minutes really means and 90 minutes — and then when we arrived, we discovered we were lied to about how many horses they had: it turned out they only had five horses and one pony. My much smaller sister and cousin refused to ride the pony and I ended up taking one for the team because I’M A NICE PERSON.

I’m still scarred by that pony ride to this day.

And Kyle will also be scarred by her pony ride, but for entirely different reasons. Kyle announces that she’s “allergic to horses,” but she didn’t drag these horse riding pants across two continents to not go for a ride and she promptly saddles up.

As they take their ride through pastoral Germany, Rinna’s horse pulls a The Countess’ camel and begins trying to get away from her overly-lipped rider.

Teddi shouts some generic instructions on calming the horse down and soon order is restored. But not for long, because Kyle’s face begins exploding from her allergies, which sends her into a panic attack spiral, and everyone has to ride back to the stables so she can take some Allegra-D and chill pills.

In the bus on the ride home, Erika ~GASP~ thanks Teddi for taking control of the situation with Rinna’s runaway horse, and making sure that everyone came home from the excursion alive and well.

Teddi:

Back at the hotel, Erika’s suite is set up for dinner while she is squeezed into a Marlena Dietrich costume — and I’m not even going to lie: God bless Erika and her costumes. If I had all the money in the world, I absolutely would also hire a team of gays to go with me everywhere and dress me like a living Barbie. I can not think of a better way to spend septuagenarian husband money.

Everyone arrives in various states of fanciness, Kyle perhaps at the bottom of the fancy scale but she has an excuse: she’s doped up on allergy and anxiety meds and didn’t realize that she was walking into a costume party.

Dinner is served, and after most of the women turn their noses up at the veal tartare, Rinna tells the ladies about how her daughter developed an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia after coming down with strep. Which is one of those absolutely true weird things that can happen, like being bitten by a tick and developing an allergy to meat (or horses) as a result.

And then Lisa Vanderpump goes and VanderRuins it by noting that they all seem to be in such a good place with one another, despite the fact that New York City was so VanderHurtful to her.

At this, Dorit turns to Kyle and begins berating her, again, for telling Lisa Vanderpump what Dorit had said about Lisa Vanderpump — AND ON THE NIGHT OF HER BELLA PARTY. OF ALL NIGHTS. Kyle protests that she did not ruin Dorit’s Bella party, that she waited until after the party to bring it up, which makes Dorit accuse her of being a petulant child in an interview.

Meanwhile, through all of this, Lisa Vanderpump, once again, tries to VanderComfort Dorit, further infuriating Kyle — as much as she can be infuriated while also so doped up and so groggy. Kyle points out that Dorit tried to make trouble between herself and Erika regarding the beach house incident, and wonders how her telling Lisa Vanderpump what Dorit said is any different than Dorit telling Erika what Kyle had said. Point: Kyle.

At one point, Teddi tries to step in and defend Kyle, only to have Lisa Vanderpump tell her to butt out and Dorit declare that they “don’t need a mediator right now,” which gives Teddi and Kyle pause: why does Dorit get to have Lisa backing her up, but Kyle is expected to stand on her own?

And then there’s something about bathrooms and something about arguing while someone is in the bathroom and then pantygate gets dragged back into it because GOD FORBID THAT NONSENSE EVER ACTUALLY GO AWAY AND DIE and even Erika is like, “Alright, that’s enough, let’s just end on that note and retreat to our own hotel rooms before we start screaming at one another about whether or not Yolanda has lupus or if Camille is a fucking liar.”

The next morning, Teddi checks in on her accountability clients, while Erika tries to organize a sight-seeing trip for all the women. But first, Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump agree to meet by themselves to hash some shit out.

They meet in some square where once again, Kyle explains to Lisa that she feels like Lisa VanderDefends Dorit more than Kyle, that she holds Kyle to a much higher VanderStandard, Kyle feels taken for VanderGranted and thrown under the VanderBus. Lisa nods very VanderSeriously and tells Kyle that she’s sorry she VanderFeels that way, and promises to always VanderBe there for Kyle, without actually promising to do anything VanderDifferently. Lisa then insists that Kyle hash out her own VanderShit with Dorit, because she is not getting into the VanderMiddle of that (except for how she has countless of times over).

They then meet up with the other women who are busily marching around Berlin taking selfies of themselves in front of famous monuments. They eventually head over to the Holocaust Memorial which was a point of contention amongst my own family: I found it haunting and powerful, my husband who had family members taken to the camps thought it was sterile and didn’t accomplish its goal. Erika proceeds to give an excellent explanation about how it represents the harrowing escalation of the Holocaust: starting off small and seemingly incidental until it grows into something all-consuming and you become lost in the enormity of it. And damn, Erika, I don’t know if that was your own understanding or if you read that somewhere, but I give you all the art interpretation props.

Dorit then shares her own family’s history: how her grandfather was imprisoned by the Nazis at 16, his siblings were killed and his parents were sent to a work camp in Siberia. Some 25 years later, he learned his parents had lived and immigrated to Israel, and when he found them, his mother knew immediately who he was because he was the spitting image of her husband. It’s a very moving story and I will resist from calling Dorit an asshole for the rest of the post.

And then that evening they go to Berlin’s Hofbrau Haus where they eat schnitzel and pretzels and sausages and — OH MY GOD — drink beer …

… and dance with a bunch of Germans and have a good time with one another for maybe the first time ever, because carbs make people happy and bring people together.

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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