The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
January 16, 2018
Uh-oh, they’re breaking out the time stamps. Shit’s about to go down.
When we begin the episode, Dorit is knee-deep in a meeting about bikinis, and Teddi is busily pulling crying toddlers off of her as she runs out of the house for a drink date.
A drink date with Dorit.
A drink date with Dorit which, according to Teddi, was scheduled for 4 p.m.
Teddi arrives at the restaurant per the time stamp at 3:59.
4:00 arrives. No Dorit.
4:15. No Dorit.
4:20. No Dorit.
4:24. No Dorit.
4:29. No Dorit.
4:33. No Dorit.
At 4:36, Teddi sends Dorit a text: “Hey, babe. Worried about you. Are we still having drinks?”
4:42. No Dorit.
Finally, at 4:48, Dorit calls Teddi and is all, “So so sorry! I was on a Very Important International Businessperson Phone Call and lost track of the time. And anyway, we were supposed to meet sometime between 4:30 and 5:30, so I’m not actually late, and maybe you’re the jerk here for trying to make me feel bad for being 18 minutes not late.”
Teddi, irritated, explains that she has been waiting over 30 minutes, and she had to hire a babysitter and it would have been nice to receive a text just telling her she was going to be late, or was too busy to come, even. Dorit protests that she’s almost there, she’s only 15, maybe 20 minutes away! To which Teddi is like, “Fuck this, I’m out.”
4:54. Teddi leaves.
We then get to sit in on another FASCINATING phone call between Rinna and Kyle in which we learn that Rinna is back from Tokyo, but in Canada and headed to New York to co-host on Live with Kelly and Ryan!
And sure enough, we are in New York watching Rinna do her hotel wipe-down, and host the morning show all the while burbling about how she came thisclose to being Kelly Ripa.
Lisa Vanderpump swings by her pet rescue place that I will never forgive her for not naming VanderPets — I MEAN, COME ON, THAT’S THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD, VANDERPUMP — and meets a rescue that looks like Grandpa Ken. That’s it. That’s the entire scene.
Elsewhere, Kyle meets Erika for avocado toast to talk about Rinna and the Rinnettes in Tokyo, Kyle’s upcoming show, how Erika’s son is living with her (and wouldn’t you if you were Mr. Giradi’s stepson?) and how Mr. Girardi recently broke his ankle in a car accident, and is now acting like a big baby.
This story is repeated at Erika’s “office” where she tells her creative director about Mr. Girardi’s accident and how it made her face her 78-year-old husband’s mortality. And for the first time, I am very sure. (Boy, what I’d give to get my hands on their pre-nup, I bet it’s a DOOZY. … Wait, WHAT? THEY DON’T HAVE ONE? THE HELL?)
Elsewhere, Kyle and Teddi do some sort of nightmarish workout that is like spin class, but on a climbing machine?
After, the women go to some dumb juice cafe, where Kyle tells Teddi that she heard Dorit was 20 minutes late for their drink date, and Teddi’s like, “Uh, NO, I sat there for 54 minutes and bitch never showed up. Nor did she text to say she was going to be late. And why is she telling you about this in the first place? What bullshit is this?”
Welcome to the Real Housewives, Teddi!
Later, Kyle meets Dorit for some spicy margaritas and teases Dorit when she arrives on time. Dorit pouts that Teddi was being ridiculous, texting her when she was only 6 minutes late! 6 minutes! Kyle informs Dorit that Teddi’s version of the story was that she waited for Dorit for nearly an hour, which Dorit declares is UNFAIR. She was under the impression they were going to meet at 4:30, and even though she STILL hadn’t arrived by 4:54, it is UNFAIR for Teddi to be mad at her for being late.
Kyle shares some news of her own: she sold two more shows to some big networks. (One of them is a drama about high-end real estate in L.A. that ABC bought, but has not yet committed to producing a pilot. The other: ???) Dorit, thrilled for her, says that she is going to “cheer [her] on like [her] own mother would,” prompting Kyle to burst into tears which makes Dorit burst into tears even though she has no idea what she is crying about. Kyle explains that she wishes that she could share her success in the television business with her sisters, but since they are being SUCH JEALOUS BITCHES about American Woman, just because she fictionalized their lives without their permission, she doesn’t feel like she can tell them about this most recent development. It’s so UNFAIR.
Sometime later, Dorit shows up to PINK HOUSE wearing one of her husband’s shirts and nothing else but a pair of thigh-high Grimace sex boots.
The two go to lunch, where Dorit explains that she and P.K. will not, in fact, be having another baby, because she is recommitting herself to her swimwear business. Dorit tells Lisa about Kyle crying about her sisters at lunch, but Lisa VandeRefuses to believe it. “You must be VanderMistaken, Dorit. Kyle barely knows you. I can’t imagine she’d be that vulnerable with someone who is practically a stranger.”
The conversation turns to Dorit’s late drink date with Teddi, and how she kept Teddi waiting for 54 VanderMinutes. Dorit insists Teddi is EXAGGERATING and that it was an ACCIDENT and really this is SO UNFAIR.
Lisa Vanderpump is like, “OK, but you did call Camille a stupid cunt in front of her new boyfriend. So.”
And Dorit, to her credit, is somewhat mortified about this before pouting that Camille just doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Meanwhile, Kyle, Teddi, and Camille are having dinner and waiting for Rinna to join them on her way back from New York. There, Kyle tells Teddi that Dorit’s version of their aborted drinks date is that she was only 20 minutes late. Maybe only 6. Even though, technically, she never actually showed up. Teddi is all, “AW HELL NAW. And what is this ‘between 4:30 and 5:30’ nonsense? Who makes plans to meet at a restaurant that way? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also, WHY IS SHE TALKING ABOUT THIS WITH EVERYONE”
Camille then asks if Dorit was drunk then, too. Camille is a queen.
After reminding us what exactly Drunk Dorit did to her at Kyle’s dinner party, Camille threatens to bring Dorit a ball-gag next time she sees her.
Then Rinna arrives and is all, “OMG, did y’all hear that Grandpa Ken has been sued by some pet rescue lady for assault? Because he totally has been and it totally sounds like something he’d do!”
And then everyone makes these faces:
… but come the fuck on.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.