The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“When Chairs Fly”
December 7, 2017
HIHIHI, YES I KNOW I AM SO VERY LATE AND THE FINALE HAS ALREADY AIRED, SOMEHOW, MADONN’, BUT I’M GOING TO CATCH UP I SWEAR ON MIA MADRE.
So, where were we? Oh, right, Siggy and Dolores told Teresa that Kim D. was talking shit about her right before they announced that they were going to walk in Kim D.’s fashion show anyway because LOLOLOLOLOL.
This news was well-received.
So this episode begins with the riveting news that Margaret has hired an interior designer to help her finish her living room. Do you care? Because I do not care.
Over at il Folletto’s, Folletto is telling Melissa about the medium he has hired to communicate with his madre, but really this conversation is a vehicle for Melissa to tell Folletto and thereby to remind the audience that Siggy and Dolores 1. told Teresa that Kim D. was spreading malicious rumors about her having an affair but 2. still intend to walk in Kim D.’s fashion show because fuck your feelings, Teresa.
And with that, we are prepping for the Posche fashion show. Dolores and Siggy arrive for hair and makeup and to announce to Kim D. that per the Producers’ orders, they told Teresa about the terrible things she’s been saying about her. Kim D. is all, “Perfect, the trap is set. There is no chance that idiot will be able to resist this bait, and I will, once again, receive free publicity for my fashion show and store.”
Siggy does make a half effort to scold Kim D. for spreading dangerous rumors that could potentially hurt Teresa’s marriage. But Kim D. insists that it’s all true, the hairdresser doing Siggy’s hair SAW TERESA, at which point Kim D. and the hairdresser act out what she saw: Teresa side-hugging a guy.
Meanwhile, Teresa, Melissa, Margaret and ol’ Square Tits get their makeup done and load up into a van: they’ve got a fashion show to ruin.
Except, not exactly. Kim D., obviously aware that Teresa and her lady mafia are on their way, goes downstairs to wait, away from the runway and the actual guests. Which is exactly where Teresa finds her — but only after getting a free drink from the bar first, like the professional she is.
Kim D. sarcastically welcomes Teresa and the others, but Teresa doesn’t have time for such niceties, and begins yelling at Kim D. that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HER HUSBAND AND HER and DID KIM D. SEE MEATBALL FUCKING ANOTHER GIRL? NO? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. Their back and forth quickly devolves into arguing who, exactly, is the “dirtier bitch” and which of them is actually white trash based on how much time each of them spent in meatball jail. A modern-day Lincoln Douglas debates right here.
Teresa suggests that Posche is actually an anagram for “Piece of Shit Coke Whore Homewrecker Everyday,” which while colorful is dependent upon the phrase “coke whore” being one word, not two, but points for effort. (But, just imagine how long it took for Teresa to come up with that. It had to have been weeks.)
Kim D. reminds Teresa that if she so much as touches her, she’ll be led out of the building in handcuffs and will be “sent away” again, so Teresa instead shoves a chair in Kim D’ s general direction. Rather than calling security to have Teresa removed from her event (and potentially disrupting the fashion show that has yet to happen), Kim D.’s people hustle her out of the room while Teresa calls after her that she’s a “fucking whore” which, when you think about it, is fairly redundant.
Meanwhile, Melissa demands to know if Siggy and Dolores still intend to walk in the fashion show, and Dolores doesn’t take it well.
With that, Teresa, satisfied that she has adequately reenacted the “prostitution whore” scene in such a way that will create drama for the show but not get her arrested, takes her leave.
The fashion show happens. Siggy and Dolores walk in it. The end.
The next day (?), Siggy and Dolores have lunch with Quadricep where they recount the events at the fashion show, and Quadricep, serving as the unexpected voice of reason, is like, “Wait, y’all still walked in the fashion show after all that? Jesus, what assholes!”
His words stay with Siggy who goes over to Teresa’s to apologize for walking in the fashion show. Siggy explains that she just didn’t want to let down the families for whom the show was raising money. Teresa, remarkably, accepts Siggy’s apology.
Siggy does complain about Margaret and Danielle, claiming that they are “up [Teresa’s] ass,” that she feels like she can’t talk to Teresa when they are around and that Margaret made a Hitler reference that was deeply offensive.
In my hurry to blog last week’s episode, I glossed over the fact that when Siggy and Dolores were defending Kim D., Margaret argued back that Hitler wouldn’t have killed her (meaning Margaret), but that doesn’t make him a good person. This is the “offensive” Hitler statement: that he was a bad guy who On the one hand: there’s Reductio ad Hitlerum. On the other hand: come the fuck on, Siggy. Come. The. Fuck. On.
Anyway, as for the upcoming trip to Milan, Siggy insists that she would still like to go, but she won’t go without Dolores, and Teresa’s like, “cool, but that’s a Melissa problem.” Later, Teresa calls Melissa about this, and Melissa is like, “I mean, sure, of course Dolores can still come to Milan, what choice to do the Producers give me? what am I going to do, take the invitation back?”
Over in Margaret’s world, she prepares her mother, Senior, for a date with her company’s accountant, Steve. And then when the date happens, Margaret and Other Joe join them? For some reason? THE WOMAN IS 90 YEARS OLD, I DON’T THINK SHE NEEDS CHAPERONES.
Steve the Accountant, who appears to be a good 10, 15 years younger than Senior (go Senior!), and despite sitting across from Senior’s daughter, starts asking inappropriate questions about Senior’s tattoos. But Senior fires right back, suggesting that she is going to get another one that no one will be able to see unless she is naked. Steve the Accountant’s response, despite having only spent five minutes with this woman, is to ask if the tattoo will happen sometime before their third date.
Oh, and as if all of that wasn’t awful enough, Margaret makes a joke about her mother swallowing.
Finally, Folletto’s medium. Teresa, Folletto and Melissa are all worked up about this medium business and downing shots of vodka to steady themselves. Teresa is both weirded out and skeptical of the medium, all of which melts away when the medium is like, “Hey, one of your daughters is being haunted by your madre, who is making her ghost pasta. Quit discounting her stories, maybe buy some sage.”
As for Folletto, the medium tells him that their madre is singing a song to her, and it happens to be the same song he and his madre danced to at his wedding. Also, the meidum tells Folletto that their madre says she is “running” now, and Melissa explains that when Nonna was in the hospital, Folletto would whisper in her ear that it was ok, she should “go run.” Which, yikes! Weird!
The medium then tells them that their madre wants them to tell their padre to SNAP OUT OF IT. He’ll be with her soon enough. And then everyone cries and cries and cries, the end.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST and invites you to COME AT HER, BITCH.