I don’t know how to feel about Arie, so let’s make fun of his ‘Bachelor’ contestants instead

I have a confession: I like the next Bachelor, Arie Luyendyk Jr. well enough. When he was competing for Emily Maynard’s affections some five years ago, I was rooting for him — or as close to “rooting” as I ever get for any of the dummies who choose to participate in this nonsense. He was mature, and handsome, and funny and seemed to have a brain in his head. And of course, instead of him, Emily went for the dopey skateboarding muppet whom she almost immediately dumped after their “engagement.”

So I was happy enough when Arie was announced as the next Bachelor as opposed to the guy everyone else seemed to want — that gap-toothed doofus who went on a reality dating show that he knew PERFECTLY WELL is supposed to end in an engagement and then refused to play along. At least the show wasn’t going to pull another Wombat and pick someone who has made it very clear he’s not ready to get married. (Still, I think the right and bold choice would have been Eric the Good Dancer, but ABC is not quite ready to follow up their first Black Bachelorette with their first Black Bachelor.)

However, not everyone welcomed Arie as the next Bachelor, and the announcement was met with a variety of reactions, ranging from: “Who?'” to, “he’s disgusting.”

christen-the-bachelor-shock

Yeah, that’s right, that’s the skateboarding muppet calling his first runner-up and onetime friend, Arie, “disgusting.” (There’s a whole lot more going on over there. I’ll just leave you with this: according to her, Arie started dating Villainess Courtney, the winner of Ben with the Hair’s season, and in 2012, a few weeks after Emily dumped the skateboarding muppet, Arie and Courtney went on a double date with the skateboarding muppet and some college chick. Things went … sideways.)

So who knows, maybe nice guy Arie is “disgusting” and not worthy of me giving him a pass, or maybe that skateboarding muppet is a tiny jealous crazyperson. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how Arie conducts himself this season: will he be a nice guy like Dallas Sean or a real Juan Pablo like Juan Pablo?

While we wait for our chance to be judgey about Arie, let’s fill the time by being judgey about the ladies who think they might be able to find love with him on a nationally broadcast reality competition:

bachelor arie alison
Name: Ali

Age: 27

Occupation: Personal Stylist

Hometown: Lawton, OK

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Nickelback

Points for self-awareness!

bachelor arie amber

Name: Amber

Age: 29

Occupation: Business Owner

Hometown: Denver, CO

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Lunch with three people, alive or dead? Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and my grandpa.

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Ariel because she’s a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.

First of all, I think a lunch with Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and some random woman’s grandpa sounds FUCKING AMAZING and I would like an invitation, please and thank you. Second of all, this officially begins our “I Wish I Were a Disney Princess” count.

bachelor arie annaliese
Name: Annaliese

Age: 32

Occupation: Event Designer

Hometown: San Mateo, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince. Or Leela from Futurama because she is a badass and Fry loves her to the moon and back.

Disney Princess Count: 2

bachelor arie ashley
Name: Ashley

Age: 25

Occupation: Real Estate Agent

Hometown: West Palm Beach, FL

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

All-time favorite movies: No Country for Old Men, The Family Stone, and Superbad.

What is ridiculous about this? What is ridiculous about this is that someone who would include the brilliant No Country for Old Men among their favorite movies would willingly participate in this pile of garbage. You’re already too good for this show, Ashley, just go home now. 

bachelor arie rebecca
Name: Becca K.

Age: 27

Occupation: Publicist

Hometown: Prior Lake, MN

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Country (when I’m feeling sad) or the Sister Act 2 soundtrack, which I don’t think is embarrassing at all, but my friends disagree.

Your friends are right.

bachelor arie rebekah
Name: Bekah M.

Age: ?????

Occupation: Nanny

Hometown: Fresno, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

The lack of an age.

How old are you, Bekah? Are you 18 or are you eleventy-thousand? OH MY GOD, ARE YOU A RED WITCH? YOU’RE A RED WITCH, AREN’T YOU. LOOK OUT, ALL YOU DISNEY PRINCESS-WANNABES, BEKAH HERE IS ON THE HUNT FOR ROYAL BLOOD.

bachelor arie bibiana
Name: Bibiana

Age: 30

Occupation: Executive Assistant

Hometown: Miami, FL

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Would you consider yourself a lover of art? Yes. Wish I could be art.

I … I don’t know what this means.

bachelor arie brianna
Name: Brianna

Age: 25

Occupation: Sports Reporter

Hometown: Grants Pass, OR

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order? Barack Obama, my grandma (miss her so much), Audrey Hepburn. I’d order a round of shots!

Another amazing lunch, although I’m not sure “shots” count as food. 

bachelor arie brittane
Name: Brittane J.

Age: 27

Occupation: Marketing Manager

Hometown: San Diego, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Lunch with three people alive or dead? Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, and Beyoncé.

Just stop for a moment and enjoy the mental image of Bernie Sanders sitting at this particular table.

bachelor arie brittnay
Name: Brittany T.

Age: 30

Occupation: Tech Recruiter

Hometown: Columbia, SC

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio: 

Lunch with three people, alive or dead: Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, Chris Evans.

There’s nothing ridiculous here, I just thought it was interesting — if not at all surprising — that everyone wants to have lunch with Queen Bey.

bachelor arie caroline
Name: Caroline

Age: 26

Occupation: Holliston, MA

Hometown:

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Do you have any pets? No dogs yet. I’m waiting for someone to co-parent a dog with! I do have a plant, his name is Phil.

If you could have lunch with three people, who would you choose? Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds. It would be a blast of a lunch and we’d pretend it was Betty’s birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!

First: Phil.

Second: This is a VERY specific lunch that she has imagined, one that it does not seem she came up with just now for this questionnaire. 

bachelor arie chelsea
Name:  Chelsea

Age: 29

Occupation: Real Estate Executive Assistant

Hometown: South Portland, ME

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? My ideal weather would be mid-70’s sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium.

“Life is less complicated when neutral” is somehow both nonsensical and one of the most depressing things I have ever read.

bachelor arie jacqueline
Name: Jacqueline

Age: 26

Occupation: Research Coordinator

Hometown: Morgantown, WV

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? Buy a penthouse in Soho, build a wild animal conservation in Africa/India, have a pet cheetah.

So this one right here, she’s planning on going for her Doctorate, she’s smart, she has a lot going for her and then we get to “pet cheetah.” You know that’s not a thing unless you’re a Saudi prince or Michael Jackson, right?

bachelor arie jenna
Name: Jenna

Age: 28

Occupation: Social Media Manager

Hometown: Upland, IN

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Breaking my wrist on a mechanical bull was pretty memorable.

This depresses me to my core.

bachelor arie jennifer
Name: Jenny

Age: 25

Occupation: Graphic Designer

Hometown: Northbrook, IL

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What are you most afraid of? Picking the wrong person to marry.

Gurrrrl … look at your life, look at your choices. 

bachelor arie jessica
Name:  Jessica

Age: 26

Occupation: Television Host

Hometown: Calgary, Canada

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What are your favorite sports? Snowboarding, wake surfing, weight lifting, running, spin, Crossfit, yoga, and pilates.

Fact: Jessica is the most exhausting human being on the planet.

bachelor arie kendall
Name: Kendall

Age: 26

Occupation: Creative Director

Hometown: Santa Clarita, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you could be any animal, which one and why? Bat – flying mammal! My sister said my spirit animal was a bat because I see beauty in dark things.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.

What are five things you can’t live without? Reading, family, love, curiosity, and cheese.

What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.

What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, easy smile, can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body.

ARIE, RUN. 

bachelor arie krystal
Name: Krystal

Age: 29

Occupation: Fitness Coach

Hometown: Missoula, MT

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you could be an animal, which one and why? Unicorn because those who believe in magic will find it.

First of all, you are 29 years old. Second of all, I have no idea what the hell this sentence even means. 

bachelor arie lauren b
Name: Lauren B.

Age: 25

Occupation: Tech Salesperson

Hometown: Virginia Beach, VA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Elsa, because I’ve always wanted to be a Disney princess.

Disney Princess Count: 3

bachelor aire lauren g
Name: Lauren G.

Age: 26

Occupation: Executive Recruiter

Hometown: Indianapolis, IN

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What is your least favorite household chore? I thoroughly dislike going grocery shopping – it’s stressful. So many options.

Again, I don’t know what “so many options” means here? You go to the store and you buy what you need and you go home? How is this stressful?

bachelor arie lauren j
Name: Lauren J.

Age: 33

Occupation: Recent Masters Graduate

Hometown: New Roads, LA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What’s your guilty pleasure? Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.

Do you consider yourself neat or messy? I wish I could say neat, it’s my life long goal! …. Messy :).

Who could guess the chick who eats pizza in bed without plates would be messy?

bachelor arie lauren s
Name: Lauren S.

Age: 31

Occupation: Social Media Manager

Hometown: Dallas, TX

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What is your highest athletic achievement? Participation trophies.

This isn’t actually ridiculous, she’s in my top five along with No Country for Old Men up there.

bachelor arie maquel
Name: Maquel

Age: 23

Occupation: Photographer

Hometown: American Fork,UT

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you wanted to really impress a man what would you do and why? Be myself. Only way someone can like the real you.

See, but that’s not answering the question, really. 

bachelor arie marikh
Name: Marikh

Age: 27

Occupation: Restaurant Owner

Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What are your top three all-time favorite movies? Beetlejuice, Dark Shadows, Practical Magic.

How many voodoo dolls do you think she owns? Round it up to the nearest ten. 

bachelor arie d'nysha
Name: Nysha

Age: 30

Occupation: Orthopedic Nurse

Hometown: Belton, SC

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Mulan. She pretended to be a man and went to war. How badass is that? Or Willy Wonka. The man had his own chocolate factory!

Disney Princess Count: 4

bachelor arie olivia
Name: Olivia

Age: 23

Occupation: Marketing Associate

Hometown: Geneseo, IL

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What’s your favorite book of all time? 50 Shades of Grey

Someone hasn’t read a real book since high school. 

bachelor arie seinne
Name: Seinne

Age: 27

Occupation: Commercial Real Estate Manager

Hometown: Long Beach, CA

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What’s your favorite TV show? Game of Thrones, even though I’m often confused.

Hey, I happen to know a blog that can help you out.
bachelor arie tia

Name: Tia

Age: 26

Occupation: Physical Therapist

Hometown: Weiner, AR

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.

Let’s hope she’s up to date on all of her shots. 

bachelor arie valerie

Name: Valerie

Age: 25

Occupation: Server

Hometown: Nashville, TN

Most Ridiculous Fact in her Bio:

That shirt.

Wait, is she from the future? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, VALERIE, NAMELY, “WHEN DOES TRUMP GET IMPEACHED? IS IT SOON? PLEASE SAY IT’S SOON.”

Alright, that bit of mean girl business out of the way, I’m off to write Santa a letter asking him to bring me all of the box wine for Christmas this year. I will see you here in about three weeks — or maybe as soon as Tuesday depending on whether or not I decide I have the stomach to deal with the Arie special ABC is airing tomorrow night. Santa, wine me strength.

The Bachelor returns on ABC on January 1st, heralding a nine-month nightmare for yours truly.

 

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know how to feel about Arie, so let’s make fun of his ‘Bachelor’ contestants instead

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