‘Bachelor in Paradise’: In which we discover that Dean is actually a complete dick

Bachelor in Paradise
August 21, 2017

We begin this episode with Olya Povlatsky bemoaning the fact that her former travel companion, Kewpie, is being standoffish and not communicating with her. Of course, with Kewpie, it’s unclear if this is because he is no longer interested in her or if it is because he literally has no idea how to engage in adult conversation.

dinosaur bachelorette dean

But Kewpie is only one of the men who is proving to be problematic: G.I. Joe was freaking Token Single Mom out; Penguin ran off to bed rather than spend any more time with Warrior; Fun Robby continues to style his hair like … that …; and the rest of the men are such dullards that I can’t even remember who I am supposed to be making fun of here. And the women begin praying for new meat.

And they get some!

hooray hell yeah brooklyn nine nine.gif

In the form of Doll Daddy.

prudd disappointed

And if for you actually thought for a hot second that Doll Daddy wouldn’t bring that creepy-ass doll along:

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Like all new arrivals, Doll Daddy is armed with a date card which he offers to SOOEY!, to Fun Robby and Franz’s irritation and worry. And they should be worried about what it says about them if SOOEY! decides she prefers over their company the company of a man who carries around a life-sized doll.

adam bachelorette 13
Adam a.k.a. “Doll Daddy”

The two go into town and drink margaritas and discuss the fact that they actually hung out together in Dallas during the investigation hiatus because, and this is a true fact, Bachelor/Bachelorette alumni only hang out with and date other Bachelor/Bachelorette alumni, that’s why this show was invented.

Back in Paradise, Olya wakes Kewpie who is snoring on a pile of pillows, to try, again, to engage him in a conversation about where their relationship stands. In response, Dean literally — LITERALLY — rolls away from her.

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Finally, it’s time for the delayed rose ceremony and except for Charlie Brown’s Teacher, not one of the men is actually safe because they are a bunch of dumb ‘roided out dudebros who have no idea how to talk to women.

But they try! In desperation, the men take the women aside and awkwardly make small talk, recite Jewish prayers, dance, and try — successfully every once in awhile — to jam their tongues down the ladies’ throats in an effort to secure a rose. I hate them all.

The only guy apparently not trying to secure a rose is Kewpie, who takes Olya aside and says that before she hands out her rose, he wants her to know that he thinks they need to slow down the pace of their relationship.

Does he have any idea how any of this works? Because I don’t think he has any idea how any of this works.

no idea what i'm doing

And then it’s time for the rose ceremony:

Taylor with the Smart Friends: Charlie Brown’s Teacher
Warrior Dancer: Penguin
SOOEY!: Doll Daddy
Left Shark: JACK STONE!
Cameltoe: Diggy
Nurse Boring: Franz
Olya Povlatsky: Kewpie
Token Single Mom: Fun Robby

Which means we say adios to cuatro pendejos:

adios nickadios vinnyAdios Iggyadios alex

The next morning, Olya is all excited to “start fresh” with Kewpie, because, bless her heart, when he said he wanted to slow down their relationship, what she heard was “let’s have a relationship” and not “let’s break up forever.”

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

And that is when the next contestant arrives: Boobs McGee from This Asshole’s season …

DANIELLE L.
Boobs McGee = DANIELLE L.

… and all of the men are all:

tex avery wolf eyes

In fact, they are not even that subtle about it.

Boobs McGee asks Kewpie to join her on her date, and without a moment’s hesitation, or even a glance in Olya’s direction, Kewpie is all, “YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU LET’S LEAVE RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!”

This infuriates Olya who, bless her stubborn heart, never saw this coming. Before he leaves with Boobs, Kewpie does check in with Olya to ask her to “not hate [him].”

april parks and rec death stare

HAVE FUN ON YOUR DATE, ASSHOLE!

And he does! In fact, he does have fun on his date despite that Boobs McGee is a vapid idiot who can’t say anything without punctuating it with an irritating giggle. Sample conversation:

Kewpie: (not making eye contact)”You were the only person I knew of before coming here.”
Boobs McGee: “The only person you knew of? ~giggle gigggle~ How?”
Kewpie: (not making eye contact)”I just knew.”
Boobs McGee: “~giggle! No, just tell me! ~giggle giggle~”
Kewpie: (not making eye contact) “I guess I thought you were pretty or something.”
Boobs McGee: “~giggle giggle giggle~”

This is more painful than any conversation my middle school-aged son has ever had with any girl ever.

They eventually return from doing whatever the fuck they were doing, riding ATVs? I don’t really care, whatever, and Olya is no less angry with him than when he left. Kewpie is advised by the other men to ACTUALLY TALK TO OLYA, and he reluctantly does so. And here’s where an adult would have been like, “Listen, I am sorry if I led you to believe that my feelings were stronger than they are, but I think it would be best for both of us if we explored what we could have with other people here in Paradise. You are a great girl, I care about you, but you want more from me than I can give to you at this point. I hope you find what you are looking for.”

But instead, this baby-faced jerk confesses to kissing Boobs McGee before telling Olya that he missed her, which any reasonable woman would take to mean: “Yeah, I went on this date and I kissed this other girl, but I came back to you.” And look, Kewpie’s body language doesn’t express this at all, but Olya is so desperate for a win here, that she convinces herself that he actually means the words that are coming out of his dumb mouth.

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

Then everyone goes down to a bonfire to roast s’mores, and there, Kewpie and Olya are openly cuddling in front of everyone.

Until.

Kewpie leaves the bonfire and from somewhere off camera returns with a slice of watermelon covered in whipped cream to resemble a slice of birthday cake, complete with candles, which he presents to Boobs McGee in celebration of her “half-birthday” WHICH IS NOT EVEN A FUCKING THING.

Every. Woman. There. (Not named “Boobs McGee.”):

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And let me just tell you men, this is the kind of bullshittery guys pull that make women cut their penises off  in the middle of the night in a fit of blind rage. You’ve been warned.

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We actually close the episode with Left Shark mourning the fact that Boobs McGee dropped two precious pizzas in the sand, which Charlie Brown’s Teacher proceeded to eat anyway, after which Taylor made out with him. “I DIDN’T COME HERE FOR THIS,” she literally wails.

Except you did, baby. Except that’s exactly what you get here.

Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights FOR TWO HOURS. TWO! EACH NIGHT!

ain't nobody got time for that

2 thoughts on “‘Bachelor in Paradise’: In which we discover that Dean is actually a complete dick

  1. You are without a doubt the funniest recapper of these shows and the Real Housewives shows. Please never stop!!

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