‘The Bachelorette’: Riiii-co-yawwwwn

The Bachelorette
July 10, 2017

This exceptionally boring episode finds our Bachelorette and what remains of her man-herd in Geneva, Switzerland, the final stop before The Dreaded Hometowns in which we drag a bunch of innocents into this shitshow:

Like this guy.

It looks promising.

But before we get to that, we have to get rid of two men. To that end, Rachel explains to the men that this week she will go on three 1-on-1 dates, and one group date with three men, and there will be zero rose ceremonies because omg rose ceremonies are the woooooooorst.

And just to make poor Doll Daddy and Penguin, the only two remaining men who have not yet gone on a 1-on-1 date, even more tense, Rachel announces that the first date goes to Lengua del Amor because she wants to amor on his lengua some more, por favor.

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Doll Daddy and Penguin are very happy for Lengua del Amor.

Rachel proceeds to take Lengua del Amor on what she describes as a “high-end” date, which means it involves driving around in a rented Bentley; the show buying Rachel and Lengua del Amor matching Breitling watches (which ain’t cheap); and riding around in a boat. It is all very boring unless your idea of excitement is to watch other people try on wristwatches.

That evening, the two talk about going to private school and Lengua del Amor demands that she describe in detail her schoolgirl uniform. NO, GROSS, NO SIR, YOU STOP.

Rachel, suspicious that Lengua is a 36-year-old man who has not been snatched off the market yet, begins asking him about his last relationship, and he says something squirrely about his madre chasing off his last girlfriend. It’s a very strange, vague story: something about a wedding? in Colombia maybe? and how the girlfriend wasn’t willing to compromise with his madre? and then the girlfriend dumped him? because of his madre? I don’t know, this story does not add up, run away, Rachel.

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But Rachel offers him the rose despite whatever Oedipal bullshit is happening here, and then they make out waaaaaay too close to their mics. WHERE ARE YOU, SOUND EDITORS?

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Kewpie Doll: Put on your Sunday best.”

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Doll Daddy and Penguin are very happy for Kewpie.

And I just thought Lengua’s date was boring. As if to remind me what boring really looks like, Rachel takes Kewpie to church. Not only that, Rachel takes Kewpie to church in a denomination she does not belong to, and a service that is delivered in a language neither of them speak.

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Then they go out to the square where they writhe around in an approximation of dancing (see above). America cringes in embarrassment.

The couple then have a seat at a cafe, where Rachel attempts to plumb Kewpie’s depths, such as they are. Rachel explains that she enjoyed their blimp date, but that she wants them to learn more about each other. Kewpie responds by asking her if she believes in the tooth fairy. Rachel, exhibiting far more patience with Kewpie than could be expected of her, gently reminds Kewpie that they have limited time together and that he needs to take this seriously. So this fool does this:

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Astonishingly, Rachel does not send this dumb waffle home right then and there, but instead takes him to dinner. There, Rachel speaks very slowly and uses very small words to explain, again, that she needs more from him.

Finally, Kewpie explains what’s going on in that little babydoll brain of his: his family is weird and he doesn’t want to introduce Rachel to them. Rachel is like, “Well, hell, let’s not visit your family, then. Just introduce me to whomever matters most to you, the don’t have to be blood relatives. I don’t give a shit, I’ve got a family.” Meanwhile off-camera, The Producers freak out and scream at the monitors that THEY WILL NOT BE DENIED FAMILY WEIRDNESS, RACHEL.

And with that, Rachel gives this talking cotton ball the date rose.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Diastema: We’re at the peak of our relationship.”

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Doll Daddy and Penguin are very happy for Diastema.

For their date, Rachel and Diastema take a helicopter to the Alps where they go dog sledding and then sit around in the snow. It is so very cold.

There, Beyond the Wall, Diastema starts talking about how he’s been stuck in his head, worrying about the other men and the status of their relationship, and he’s thought about leaving more than once. Rachel is sympathetic and then they start rolling around in the snow, just asking to get themselves killed by White Walkers.

At dinner, Rachel asks Diastema about his family, and he assures her that even though he’s never dated a Black woman before, much less brought a Black woman home to meet his parents, he’s sure they’ll be totally cool with her.


Diastema then tells Rachel about his last girlfriend and how he dumped her and she was very sad about it and he feels kinda bad about it, but not really, but sorta. Diastema tells Rachel that he’s ready to begin opening himself up again, but then announces that he will not propose to her if he’s not emotionally in that place. And this is a reasonable thing that a reasonable person would say because WHY WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE TO PROPOSE TO YOU IF THEY WEREN’T ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU? But Rachel is all, “OH NO I’M SO SCARED!” which is about the dumbest thing she’s said or done on this entire season. Despite her concerns that Diastema might not insincerely propose to her, she offers him the rose.

Back at the hotel, the remaining men get their hopes up that Rachel is in the process of dumping Diastema; after all, sending three men on a date with only one rose doesn’t even math right.

The date card arrives: “Eric the Good Dancer, Doll Daddy and Penguin: Tomorrow is going to be difficult, I don’t know what else to say.” Doll Daddy, sooper jeenyus, announces that the word that stands out to him on the card is “difficult.” “I don’t like that word,” Doll Daddy bravely declares. Way to take a stand, Doll Daddy.

The next day, Rachel takes the remaining men to France via a terrifyingly choppy boat ride. DON’T SIT ON THE BOW IN ALL THAT CHOP, YOU DUMMIES, YOU ARE MAKING ME SO TENSE.

Upon arrival in France, Rachel pours the champagne and takes Eric the Good Dancer aside for a boring boring so boring private conversation in which he tells her she deservzzzzzzz…

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When I wake back up, Rachel has taken Penguin aside and she is crying? for some reason? while she is telling him that he “reminds [her] of [herself]”? somehow? but it’s time he goes home now because let’s be honest, no one has any idea how he managed to hang on this long, much less what his name even is.

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Bye, Penguin! I’d say you seemed like a nice enough guy but honestly I have no opinion of you one way or another.

This leaves Doll Daddy and Eric the Good Dancer, and since we head straight to dinner without any footage of Rachel chatting privately with Doll Daddy, I think we all know where this is headed. PACK UP THE TERRIFYING DOLL, YOU WEIRDO.

But first we have to go through the motions, the boring boring motions, of pretending that Doll Daddy still has a chance. Alone with Rachel, Doll Daddy worries that she’s going to make the wrong decision before reminding her of something that happened on that mud wrestling date that we definitely did not see so it clearly could not have been that important. MAKE SURE YOU PACK ALL YOUR TERRIFYING DOLL’S CLOTHES, YOU NUTTER.

Rachel then visits with Eric the Good Dancer, who warns her that his hometown, Baltimore, is a “challenging” city; that many of the men in his family were involved in crime; and that he grew up around a great deal of poverty. However, none of this worries Rachel as much as Eric’s next revelation: he’s never brought a woman home to meet his family before.

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But then everyone returns to the table and Rachel offers the date rose to Eric the Good Dancer because of course she offers Eric the Good Dancer the date rose: Eric the Good Dancer may be inexperienced with long-term relationships but at least he doesn’t carry a life-sized doll around with himself, LIKE A LUNATIC.

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Below are the men that have been eliminated:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and is really glad to see that fucking doll be gone.

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