The Real Housewives of New York
May 10, 2017
Let’s begin with the memorial service Dorinda and Princess Carole attend for
Hillary Clinton’s presidency the fifth anniversary of the death of Dorinda’s husband, Richard. Dorinda and her parents and her sister and her daughter Hannah and one of her reality show castmates all go to Richard’s grave where Dorinda attempts and fails to light a candle and her daughter says some nice words about her stepfather that she composed while “contouring [her] face.” All of this sounds about right.
The group then has lunch at Dorinda’s country house, where they reminisce about how shitty Richard was with money, and how the homeless would swarm his deli waiting for him to give them money, which is supposed to be a nice story but just sounds like a horror movie to me because I am a bad person.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Bethenny and Sonja have lunch together, and Sonja is like, “Girl I don’t even blame you for not going to Ramona’s party because she is a damned mess who does not understand why you’re angry at her for bringing up your daughter and your booby movie some six weeks after the story first broke as if it wasn’t completely obvious that she was just trying to ambush you on camera.” Truth.
Sonja then bitches that she tries to date guys from outside their social circle, but that all the other women — namely The Countess — move in on them anyway.
Exhibit A: Dirty Johnny Depp Pirate.
Exhibit B: Harry the Ex
Exhibit C: Tom the Cheater
The internet tells me that the term I am looking for is “Pogo Sisters,” so you just learned something today, you’re welcome. Bethenny has her own colorful turn of phrase and titles Sonja a “curator of cock.” Indeed.
Later, Bethenny tries to organize her daughter’s American Girls dolls.
Back at Sonja’s townhouse, Sonja lectures Tinsley on loading the dishwasher, and shows off the brown ice she is hoarding in her freezer. I have many questions. Why is it brown? How did it become brown? Was it always brown? Does she actually use the brown ice? And if she does not use the brown ice, why does she keep brown ice in the freezer?
Later Tinsley meets an old friend of hers and the pair drive the friend’s tiny purse dog around Soho in a tiny remote-controlled Mercedes. And conservatives say that the big cities are filled with elites who are out of touch with real America, pffft.
Over in The Countess’ world, she takes her bridesmaids, including Dorinda, to a wedding dress fitting, and burbles on and aon about how she feels like she is in a fairy tale which is just a very reasonable thing for a previously married 52-year-old woman to do. Her dress is quite lovely, though.
Bethenny visits the wreckage of Her Highness’ apartment now that she’s just surrendered to becoming a feral cat lady who allows her animals to pee everywhere, eat her plants and destroy her furniture. Her Polishness is also having some living arrangement issues, and announces that the Viscount of Carbonara will be moving to his own apartment some five blocks away. Bethenny is not convinced that this is a positive direction in their relationship.
Princess Carole then asks Bethenny how she’s holding up, particularly if the Ex is still being an asshole. But Bethenny does not talk about any of that on camera, she never really talks about any of that in specifics on camera, and instead mumbles some non-sequitur about extermination. And with that, Princess Poland informs Bethenny that Dorinda wants the ladies to go get drinks and Bethenny is going to have to deal with Ramona, so.
Dorinda calls Ramona to invite her to come for drinks and to give Ramona another chance to vent that Bethenny did not attend her surprise party or call her to wish her a happy birthday after all that very sincere and well-intentioned concern that Ramona showed for Bethenny and her daughter. THE NERVE.
Everyone arrives at the bar and Ramona explains in a voice-over that she is not going to be aggressive with Bethenny, she is going to take a completely different, non-confrontational approach with her and see if they can get back to being friends again.
No part of this is accurate.
However, before she literally corners Bethenny and begins berating her for not recognizing that Ramona was being just the best friend of all time by bringing up on camera her hilarious nude scene from the 90s and her daughter in the same breath, she reels on The Countess, demanding to know if she can expect an invitation to the wedding. Ramona explains that she’s already bought a ticket to Palm Beach, so when will the invite arrive? The Countess sputters a few times that she thought Ramona was going to be in France, but Ramona just keeps insisting that she changed her plans, she’s going to be in Palm Beach, so The Countess can go ahead and send her that invite, thanks.
Eventually The Countess just flatly tells her that the invitations have already been sent out, and Ramona will not be receiving one, The Countess just wants her wedding to go off with no drama, thanks. The Countess pleads with Ramona to not be hurt, and in response, Ramona shrugs and says that people are taking bets on whether or not the wedding is even going to happen.
And that, Ramona, you asshole, is why you are not invited to the wedding.
Ramona tries to laugh it off as a joke, but then undermines that explanation by claiming that people are calling her day and night to ask if the wedding is even still happening.
That’s when Sonja and Tinsley arrive with Sonja making snippy little comments about how they are meeting Tinsley’s friends, and how Tinsley has her all of her own friends and Sonja is not tagging along and what the hell are you even whinging about, Ms. Morgan?
Tinsley is not amused by Sonja’s little routine and thus takes a keen interest when Her Sereness mentions that there are two apartments opening up in her building. “Yes, but how much brown ice do the freezers in your building make?” Tinsley does not ask.
Tinsley also reveals to the ladies that she and her husband first got married when they were still in boarding school, inspired by pregnant Andrea Zuckerman on Beverly Hills 90210. Not that Tinsley was pregnant at the time; she and her idiot husband-to-be just had never realized until they saw pregnant Andrea Zuckerman go to a courthouse and marry her baby daddy that they could just go to a courthouse and get married.
This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard, I’m not even exaggerating. I mean, just stop for one moment and try to imagine Andrea Zuckerman being the inspiration for one of the biggest moments in your life. Just imagine that!
Meanwhile, over by the bar, someone farts. It is unclear who. It does not matter.
The Countess, having had quite enough of farts and Ramona being an asshole, slips away, and Bethenny announces that she is going to leave, too. However, before she can escape the booth, Ramona slides in next to her and demands to know if Bethenny shares things about what she is going through in her life with her other girlfriends.
Bethenny is like, “What the fuck is this? Why are you talking to me like this? I hate everything that is happening here.” In response, Ramona repeatedly calls Bethenny “weird” and “strange” and complains that she was there for Bethenny when she was so sick last year, SO WHY CAN’T RAMONA DRAG UP HER EMBARRASSING PAST ON CAMERA WITHOUT IT BEING SOME HUGE DEAL? And with that Bethenny takes her leave because no, bitch, no.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and has placed its own bets on The Countess’ marriage.