‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Surprise, bitch

The Real Housewives of New York
“The Politics of Friendship”
May 3, 2017

I have not been looking forward to this episode. The night Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton for the presidency was literally one of the worst evenings of my life, and I have yet to recover. So the last thing I wanted to do — especially on the eve of Congress passing a monstrosity of a health care bill to make Trump look like he is actually doing something in office aside from playing Truck Driver Man and tweeting threats at the Constitution — is to relive that nauseating night, moment for sickening moment. So, thanks, Show, for doing just that by filming Princess Radziwill’s heartbreaking Election Night Party and reminding us just how awful it was.

We begin with Princess Carole and Queen Mom driving to Pennsylvania to volunteer for Hillary Clinton, and I can’t.

Meanwhile, Ramona has her face shot at by a bunch of lasers which makes her face turn alarmingly red and puffy and makes her scream at the doctor’s assistant for ice. NOW.

Actual photo of Ramona’s face following the laser procedure.

It does not make me want to get my face shot at with lasers. I will just take the wrinkles, all of the wrinkles, thanks.

Ramona also spends a great deal of time talking about just how great she looks, that you’d never guess what her real age is, people probably think she’s 15 years younger than she actually is, so on and yadda yadda. And I’m not even here to make fun of her because 1. she does look great for her age but more importantly, 2. the insecurity on display here is heartbreaking. Which, honestly, shouldn’t be surprising from a woman who a few seasons back ran around screaming that she might be pregnant. At 55.

Elsewhere, Sonja is juggling two men: “Frenchie” with whom she sleeps, and Rocco with whom she goes to expensive meals on his dime and then does not put out. She claims Rocco is happy with this arrangement; we have no confirmation.

Anywhoodles, Sonja complains to Rocco about her recent houseguest, Tinsley, and how she waits on Tinsley hand and foot, and this bitch can’t be bothered to even get Sonja a birthday card. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?

Over at a Paul Stuart store, The Countess and Dorinda shop for a tie for Tom the Cheater. Apparently, The Countess bought him a Rolex as a wedding gift, but she also wants to get him something that says, “You are a man who has to wear a suit sometimes.” While shopping, the ladies discuss Princess Politics’ upcoming Election Night Party, which The Countess will not be attending because of reasons, and the surprise party that Dorinda is throwing for Ramona’s 60th birthday. This one went so far to print fake invitations for a fake “Welcome My Random Friend to the Neighborhood” party, to throw Ramona off the scent, which is dedication, especially when she could have just sent out Evites.

And then Her Highness’ Election Night Party.

Ugh. I mean, we were all there, we know how this went down:

First the giddiness and excitement at watching our first female president be elected.

Then the worry that the numbers coming out of Ohio aren’t looking good.

Then Florida.

Then panic as Pennsylvania starts trickling in.

Then drinking heavily while you check Five Thirty Eight for the ninety-seventh time to make sure that this GOD DAMNED GRAPHIC ON THE GOD DAMNED NEW YORK TIMES SITE THAT HAS TURNED FROM WHOLLY BLUE TO NEARLY ALL RED CAN’T POSSIBLY BE FUCKING TRUE.

Then lying on the floor crying.

Then Michigan.

Then going to bed in a daze, feeling that maybe if you just go to sleep, when you wake up you’ll be back in your reality, the one where the most experienced candidate, the one who didn’t sexually assault people or viciously attack her opponents, the one who wasn’t calling for xenophobic, racist policies and a retreat from the world stage, the one who didn’t shamelessly cozy up to Vladimir Putin and refuse to call him a brutal dictator and call on him to hack her opponent, the one who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW THE GOVERNMENT WORKS AND STUFF, that candidate won, you know, back in the reality that actually makes sense.

So, yeah, I don’t need to relive it through a Real Housewives series, thanks.

Anyway, I told you not to throw that party, Carole. And as for that lesbian Trump supporting friend of yours … oh, honey, no.

The next morning, Princess Carole calls her mother and reads to her the speech she had planned to make when Hillary was announced the winner, and she can’t get through it without crying. She then announces that she is going to go day drink and girl, I know it.

Sometime later, Ramona and Her Sereness meet for a little dress shopping and Princess No Carbs tries on a dress that Ramona has her eye on, which fits Her Radziwillness beautifully, but does not contain her nipples in the least, or so I suspect according to the heavy blurring that is happening here. I’m very unclear on how, exactly, one is expected to wear this garment in public.

carole rhony dress nipples.JPG
I mean.

Anyway, Ramona would very much like Her Royal Nippleness to know that she is not offended at being disinvited from the Election Night Party, and wonders if Bethenny is still holding a grudge towards her. Princess Carole tries to politely explain to Ramona that it was out of bounds for her to bring Bethenny’s daughter into the conversation about her “film” career, but Ramona has no idea what Princess Aureola is even talking about. She was just concerned for Bethenny! Can’t she be just a very great friend to Bethenny?

Ramona then invites Her Highness to her upcoming birthday party, and Princess No Secrets here blurts out that she thought it was a surprise. Ramona asks if she’s having a surprise party, too, and Princess Realizes What She’s Done Here blurts out, “WHAT?” To which Ramona replies, “What?” and we suddenly find ourselves in the middle of an “Amber Says What” sketch.

Finally, it’s the night of Ramona’s big surprise party, and Ramona who, somehow, has not been spoiled despite Princess What?’s best efforts, has planned to stop in on Dorinda’s little party for fifteen minutes before meeting a date. Which is why Ramona, impatient to get the Dorinda’s party portion of the evening over with, hops into a cab instead of waiting for Dorinda to pick her up. This could have ruined the evening, and we spend a good five minutes worrying that it will. It does not. Dorinda manages to arrive at the party before Ramona, somehow, and Ramona, when she arrives, is properly surprised.


Anyway, who should be at the party but Harry the Ex, who tries to talk to Sonja but she is NOT INTERESTED after that time he left with The Countess moments after presenting Sonja with an “engagement ring.” Sonja complains that she can’t get away from Harry the Ex, comparing him to an “itch you can’t scratch,” which … no? That’s not what that expression means?

Sonja later gets all pissy with Tinsley when Tinsley goes to the bar but does not bring Sonja a drink back, and Tinsley is like, “the fuck? So I’m your waitress now?”

Meanwhile, Ramona’s date calls, and she suggests that he come to her party: she’ll put his name on the list — what’s his first name again?

Ramona adds George’s name to the list, and he soon arrives, only to be totally and completely ignored by his “date.” After a perfunctory greeting, Ramona literally turns her back on him and he’s left to wander the room filed with strangewomen he does not know, all alone. Poor George.

Later, Ramona asks Dorinda if Bethenny was invited, and Dorinda has to explain that she was, but that she declined to come. This sticks in Ramona’s very drunk craw, and she proceeds to stumble out onto a balcony where she bitches endlessly to Sonja about Bethenny being petty, and how she did nothing wrong, she was just trying to be a good friend and thought she was close enough to Bethenny to show concern but then Bethenny had to go and turn it into a whole thing. But even Sonja’s like, “NOPE.” And when Sonja thinks what you’re saying is ridiculous nonsense, what you are saying is definitely ridiculous nonsense.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is still not ready to talk about the election.


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