The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Diamonds Under Pressure”
April 4, 2017
As Rinna and Eileen are arriving at the Rosé VanderParty, Dorit is whining at P.K. and Vanderpump, again, about how Rinna has been abusing her, and insisting that she never said that Rinna had a drug problem (she just implied it). P.K. and Vanderpump agree that Rinna is acting “paranoid,” before adding that maybe she is because she’s on drugs. Hahaha, good joke, I’m sure that won’t come back to bite anyone on the — as the Brits say — “arse” later.
Everyone else arrives and for a good 10, 15 minutes everyone is nice to one another: Eileen and Vanderpump share an awkward — but sincere — VanderHug; Vanderpump and Rinna joke about her fake eyelashes; everyone regards Dorit’s Targaryen crown with a polite, “well, would you look at that,” instead of just openly pointing and laughing; no one makes fun of Eden for wearing a prom gown; Vanderpump makes several jokes about Erika’s pantiless puss and Erika does not crush her by the throat; and everyone makes a fuss over the VanderHorses and their tutus and glitter hooves. It’s a fun, good time!
But then Rinna, being Rinna, decides that this fun, good time needs to come to an end, and begins giving Eden grief for not sufficiently backing her up when she confronted Dorit in Hong Kong, and Eden is like, “The fuck?”
And then Kim Richards arrives.
Everyone congratulates Kim on the grandbaby, there’s much talk of the grandbaby, grandbaby grandbaby grandbaby.
And then Dorit gets a hold of Kim and tells her all about the fights in Hong Kong and how Rinna dared to ask her if she trusted P.K. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SOMEONE DOING SOMETHING SO AWFUL?
Kim is AGHAST, and calls Rinna “unbalanced” and “erratic.” I suppose she would know.
After we all endure yet more talk about the size of Rinna’s “birth canal,” Rinna tries to congratulate Kim on the grandbaby, only to have Kim hiss at Rinna that they are talking about her. And Rinna is clearly simultaneously curious, a little scared but mostly thrilled that she is the subject of anyone’s conversation because like a demented toddler, there is no such thing as negative attention in Lisa Rinna’s world.
Rinna retreats back to the table she was sharing with Eileen and Erika, and reports that she is the subject of Kim and Dorit’s conversation. Eileen, of all people, decides that this needs to become A Thing and she calls Kyle over to explain why when Rinna congratulated Kim on the grandbaby, Kim’s response was to say that she’s been hearing “horrible things” about Rinna. And Kyle is like, “Oh yeah, it’s about Dorit and Hong Kong, totally.”
Kim does not join them, but Dorit does, explaining to Rinna that she was just SO HURT by what Rinna said in Hong Kong and she just DOES NOT understand where it came from. Rinna is like, “I thought I was pretty clear where it came from: the fact that you have been intimating that I have a Xanax problem — which, have you met me? do you think DOWNERS are what I’m abusing?” Dorit tries again to force Rinna to reveal her source from the Mexico dinner (Erika, uh doy) but Rinna throws a curveball: it was Eden all along.
But everyone is like, “SHHHH, THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU,” and wave Eden away.
Dorit suggests that Rinna’s accusations of drug abuse and infidelity are actually her projecting her own issues onto others, to which Rinna replies she’s “just observing what [she] sees.” And that’s hard to argue with as we are all “observing what we see,” AS THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF “OBSERVING.”
Anyway, it’s at this point when Vanderpump jumps in to VanederSuggest that Dorit is just Rinna’s newest target in a long line of targets: first Kim, then Brandi, then Yoyawnda, then Vanderpump her VanderSelf. Rinna insists that she doesn’t enjoy attacking people, she “enjoys telling the truth.”
Rinna then wonders if Dorit had such a problem with her, why she didn’t call her to discuss it — why wait until now? ~cough~ cameras ~cough~ And in response, Dorit tells Rinna to get out of her face, and in the process, suggests that Rinna has bad breath.
Not wanting to talk about her Xanax breath, Rinna decides to switch tracks altogether and points out that what Dorit “did” to Erika for four months was disgusting, and everyone is like, “wait, what, where are we going now?” But Erika is totally for turning the argument in her direction and reminds everyone that Dorit called her “cold and heartless.” Dorit firmly disagrees, clarifying that she called Erika “frigid and stoic,” and I swear to God, I’m going to tweet the link to “thesaurus.com” to all these rich dummies as soon as I publish this post.
So we rehash this whole mess for the fortyteenth time: Dorit thought the panties were a joke; Erika thought she was being laughed at, not laughed with. Dorit reminds Erika that she apologized in Hong Kong; Erika insists she has no memory of this. Dorit insists that Erika doesn’t know who Dorit truly is as a person; Erika has seen perfectly enough to know exactly who Dorit is; Dorit replies that they’ve all seen enough of Erika as well.
And then P.K. joins in just to add a whole new dimension of assholery to this never-ending fight. Erika asks P.K. to look her in the eye and tell her that he has never said that she tried to seduce him, and he comes down with the same amnesia that has been infecting the cast all season long. Probably not? But he doesn’t have a photographic memory, so. What he does know is that Erika is not “deliberately cold, [she is] inherently cold,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Erika insists that neither P.K. nor Dorit have been particularly nice to her, and in his response, P.K. calls her “honey.”
This does not go over well.
Eileen tries to defend Erika, only to be sarcastically sneered at by P.K. that he “completely expected comments from the gallery,” before telling Eileen that he doesn’t care what she has to say, “honey.”
Kyle tries to end the argument by asking P.K. if he thought Erika was coming on to him, and he claims he did not, which, great! But then Dorit tries to blame Eileen, of all people, of constantly bringing the panty issue up, and P.K. calls Eileen “rude” which she throws right back at him, before dismissing him altogether.
Finally, Erika and Dorit speak one-on-one, where Dorit apologizes again, and Erika seems to accept it. We’ll see.
And that’s how the episode ends, with everyone happy and getting along and putting aside their differen…
Anyway, Eden storms out in a poof of tulle and tears, stopping to tell Vanderpump that she would choose her over Rinna any day.
And then we get our final credits:
“Erika’s ‘XXpen$ive’ is climbing the Billboard dance chart and she’s been asked to return to The Young and the Restless. Her next step: learning the quick step on Dancing with the Stars.” (Which she was eliminated from this week.)
“Eileen welcomed Erika back to The Young and the Restless. Erika has not yet invited Eileen to be in one of her music videos. But Eileen is working on her dance moves just in case.”
“Dorit’s son can now speak a handful of words. It’s too soon to say what kind of accent he has but he will learn the lyrics to ‘Karma Chameleon.'”
“Lisa’s crusade to save dogs in China continues. She recently threw a gala event to open her rescue center in West Hollywood. Lisa has not invited Rinna to this dog house yet.”
“Lisa is now hustling to advise her model daughters who are being called the next Gigi and Bella. Their parents joined them for their Dolce & Gabbana shoot in Italy, no better setting for Lisa and Harry to celebrate 20 years of marriage.”
“Kyle’s show American Woman has been picked up to series. She and Mauricio finally agreed how to spend the riches of their success. Instead of moving to a bigger house they’re embarking on a full renovation of their current home.”
ONTO THE REUNION, DARLINGS.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and gave you so much of its fucking heart, you bitch.