The Real Housewives of New York
“It Girl, Interrupted”
April 12, 2017
Meet Tinsley Mortimer — or, more likely if you are a fan of shows like The Real Housewives of New York City — hey, remember Tinsley Mortimer? You know, blond New York socialite from the early 2000s who was famous but you weren’t really sure … why … exactly?
So here’s her deal, only some of which the show explains: Tinsley Randolph Mortimer neé Mercer was born to a wealthy Richmond family, and “raised in the biggest home in Central Virginia.” At 18, she married her high school boyfriend and fellow tertiary Trading Places character, Topper Mortimer, great-grandson of a Standard Oil magnate.
Tinsley and Topper moved to New York City where she became a fixture on the party circuit and at fashion shows and in Page Six and she had her own shade of lipstick named after her by Dior and for several years there she was New York’s “It Girl,” whatever the hell that even means.
But then she and Topper separated in 2009 over allegations of both parties screwing around on each other — she, salaciously enough, with a German royal, which I didn’t even know were still a thing — and they ended it officially in 2013. She also dated that Italian Bachelor Whatshisface and, embarrassingly enough for her, Constantine Margolis. Between her separation from Topper, an ill-advised CW reality show, High Society, and her penchant for dating never-beens, Mortimer quickly lost her status as New York’s favorite socialite.
In 2012, Tinsley moved to Palm Beach, Florida where shit got REAL. Tinsley started dating Alexander “Nico” Fanjul, the son of a so-called “sugar baron” billionaire, Alexander Fanjul. It was not a happy relationship. He was younger than Tinsley, his parents thought she was poor white trash, and he was something of a renowned playboy. What they didn’t touch upon in this episode was that Nico might have also been viciously abusive towards her.
Yes, as she cheerfully offered up in the episode, she was arrested in 2016 for trespassing on his property, supposedly while trying to retrieve a purse…
According to one police report, Mortimer was hospitalized “due to a possible battery” on Christmas Day 2013.
“We saw that Tinsley had a laceration on the back of her head that was still bleeding . . . The left side of her face next to her eye was very swollen with yellow-and-green bruising. We also saw red and bruised markings on her forearms, biceps and elbows,” wrote the officer after visiting Mortimer, who had her mother, Dale Mercer, by her side, at the Good Samaritan Medical Center in West Palm Beach.
She received three staples in the back of her head. Originally, Mortimer told officers that she tripped and fell.
In June 2014, police were called to Fanjul’s $1.6 million home for an “unwanted guest call.”
When cops arrived, they found a barefoot, intoxicated, crying Mortimer next to her mother’s Land Rover, which she had driven that evening. She told police that she and Fanjul had arrived at his place after dinner at a restaurant. They got into an argument about a boat trip Mortimer had taken with friends weeks earlier.
“[Mortimer] said Fanjul . . . tried to smother her with a pillow,” according to police. She fought back, ran outside, and locked herself in the car.
Fanjul chased her, keyed the car, ripped off the windshield wipers and used them to break the windshield, the police report says. Mortimer took an iPhone video of the entire incident.
When officers entered the bedroom where the original altercation took place, “there were blood marks on one of the pillows,” they reported. A “highly intoxicated and uncooperative” Fanjul asked cops to leave. Mortimer refused to sign a sworn affidavit of prosecution.
In response, Nico’s mother said: “It’s all hearsay, and all [Mortimer’s] black-and-blue stuff is what she’s done to herself or what somebody else has done to her. She hides in the bushes, she hides in her car, she puts cigarettes out in his face, did anybody ever tell you that? This makes Fatal Attraction look like a cartoon. She’s insane. This is a result of a woman scorned. She’s going up against us and she’s going down.”
She seems nice.
And so, a year after dumping her billionaire boyfriend’s abusive ass, Tinsley is back in New York City and moving in with Sonja Morgan. Presumably, we will be planning Tinsley’s wedding to one of Sonja’s many paramours within six months.
Over at Bethenny’s apartment, this is happening:
Also happening: Princess Radziwill and Ramona stop by to visit/gossip about the new girl, Ramona making sure to kick the puppies on her way in because Bethenny didn’t send her an email about adopting them? To attempt to understand the why of Ramona is an endless exercise in futility.
Ramona tells the women that she did not, in fact, attend The Countess’ bridal shower or bachelorette party because she was not invited, as The Countess accused her of investigating Cheater Tom, and Ramona is like, “And I was investigating him, but that is NO REASON TO EXCLUDE ME.”
The women briefly touch upon this Tinsley character: socialite, crash and burn, blah blah blah, before Her Highness mentions that she will be having an election night party.
OH MY GOD DO NOT DO THAT PRINCESS CAROLE YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVVVVVVVVER STOP WHILE YOU STILL CAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN
Ramona agrees with me that this is a terrible idea that will just end with people arguing over politics, which leads to a smidge of bickering between Sereness and Ramona over the depth of Ramona’s political knowledge, and Bethenny confirming that Princess Radzi can be a bit of a know-it-all. BECAUSE SHE IS A KNOW-IT-ALL, THAT IS LITERALLY HER JOB, OH CHRIST, WHY WON’T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO HER, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN A FIERY NUCLEAR HELLSCAPE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T THINK YOUR VOTE FOR THAT BLOATED SEXUAL-ASSAULTING CANKER SORE WOULD REALLY COUNT OR SOMETHING I DON’T EVEN KNOW, I THINK I MIGHT BE HAVING A STROKE AHKLNLSKHUhGFFFFFFFFFfffffff
Meanwhile, The Countess and her daughter shop for hats as Sonja is hosting a “Mad Hatter” garden party to introduce people to her newest
boarder roommate. The Countess whines some more about Sonja saying in the press that she would be there for her if the marriage doesn’t work out which, yes, is shady, but also, Cheater Tom is a cheating cheater, so you know.
As for Dorinda, she’s doing that rich white lady cryotherapy nonsense because she’s run out of things to spend her money on. She meets Ramona there, but Ramona is smart enough to not hang out in a tube of below-freezing air for no good reason. Ramona confirms to Dorinda that she had been looking into Cheater Tom, but swears that she’s going to stop because The Countess clearly doesn’t care if the man she is about to marry is a big cheating cheater who cheats. Oh, and Dorinda is still super angry at Sonja for reasons.
Later, Dorinda takes her daughter furniture shopping.
Bethenny organizes her closet.
Finally, Sonja’s “Mad Hatter” tea party, to which she instructed everyone to dress “colorfully.”
Things that happen at the Mad Hatter party:
- Everyone wears black
- Only The Countess wears a big dumb hat
- The Countess also wears a Laura Ashley dress from 1992 that everyone makes fun of
- Ramona wears a scarf around her neck to cover up a hickey because she is a horny 14-year-old
- Ramona and Princess Poland argue about who knows more about politics again
- Bethenny is brusque with Tinsley because Bethenny is brusque with everyone
- Tinsley yammers about her arrest to anyone who will listen
- The Countess sits Sonja down to give her grief about the things she has been saying to the press about The Countess’ and Cheater Tom’s relationship and Sonja insists that she is just being supportive when she says she will be there for The Countess when her marriage goes down in flames. The Countess is pretty sure Sonja is just super jealous of her relationships with both Cheater Tom and Dorinda, but Sonja is like, “Ew gross never.”
- No one talks about how Tinsley’s middle name is Randolph
- Dorinda does not come because she was not invited
HER NAME IS TINSLEY RANDOLPH MORTIMER. BUT FOR REAL THOUGH.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and would wear a hat to a “Mad Hatter” themed party, isn’t that the point?