‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Party like it’s 1929

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Harry’s Meat and Gatsby’s Fete”
January 31, 2017

Let me just be honest here: Ain’t no way I am going to catch up with this season before the season finale on Tuesday. But once I commit to a series, I COMMIT, so here we are. Will I finish the season before the reunions are done? I DON’T KNOW, but dammit, I am going to try. Let’s go.

If there is one thing that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills simply do not know how to do (other than survive on a salary less than $2 million a year, or put on their own makeup, or do their own hair, or pick out their own clothes, or fly coach) it is throw a backyard barbecue like a normal person.

Kyle’s backyard barbecue, if you’ll remember, was catered, had place cards and people wore floor-length gowns:

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And then there was Erika’s backyard barbecue, which was also catered, featured carnival games and half-naked boys.

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And look, I’m not lying, I’d attend Erika’s event in a heartbeat, but let’s not call it a “backyard barbecue.”

So imagine my shock and surprise when Lisa Rinna and Harry Fucking Hamlin, of all people, have the women over for what appears to be an actual “barbecue” (or what we in the South properly refer to as “grilling” because hamburgers cooked on a grill is not barbecue, GET IT STRAIGHT, REST OF THE COUNTRY) being cooked in the actual “backyard” by Harry Fucking Hamlin himself. Not only that, but Harry Fucking Hamlin made blueberry pies himself for this backyard barbecue — a fact that we learn with a dollop of Cindy Crawford name dropping because we can not get through a single episode this season without Rinna needing to remind us that she knows Cindy Crawford, as if this is 1987 and we are impressed.

Eden is the first to arrive, and she bears a gift: a jar with the word “LOVE” etched onto it, which Rinna accepts while thinking about to whom she is going to try to regift it.

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Next to arrive is that Dorit creature, who apparently had an intimate dinner with Eden sometime between this and the previous episode, and where Eden proceeded to bitch profusely about Kim Richards’ behavior towards her at Eden’s “Our Houseguest Will Now Sing At You” party. This conversation is revisited here, and basically amounts to: Eden didn’t think Kim was nice to her after Eden started asking her intrusive questions about her confidence in her sobriety. Weird.

Dorit eventually puts a stop to the discussion, claiming that she learned the hard way via Pantygate that there is no upside to discussing things behind people’s backs. And Eden agrees!

Which is why she leaps on the first opportunity to bring up her feelings about Kim being mean to her to Kyle … in front of the entire group. And Kyle is just thrilled, because there is nothing Kyle Richards enjoys talking about more than her sister Kim.

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna, once she realizes what the topic of conversation is, suddenly has a barbecue emergency and flees. And look, she’s the hostess, things come up, it’s sorta OK that she abandoned the situation. What is not OK, sorta or otherwise, is that Rinna then has the cojones to bitch in an interview about Eden bringing Kim up at her party WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO PUT ALL OF THE CRAZY IN EDEN’S HEAD ABOUT KIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The awkward conversation eventually comes to an end when Lisa Rinna’s dog takes a dump right next to Eden and Kyle, and the two insincerely hug it out.

And then everyone eats Harry Hamlin’s meat and the Hamlin-Rinna daughters gush over how fabulous Erika is. Girls, get in line.

Next: Dorit and some friend we’ve never met work out with a trainer.

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Elsewhere, Erika auditions for The Young and the Restless.

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Finally, in lieu of her tired-ass “White Party” (which is redundant in any event: every party these women go to is a “white party”), Kyle has decided on an entirely different tired-ass theme: The Great Gatsby. And instead of throwing it in her backyard, Kyle is going to throw the party at the obscene Malibu palace Mauricio’s agency is trying to sell. So, all you Russian oligarchs or Trump administration officials out there looking for a real estate investment through which to launder your ill-gotten money, you’ll want to contact The Agency if you liked what you saw in this episode.

Kyle and her party planner whose name I should know by now as he’s been featured in every single season of this show already, visit the location ahead of time to plot heat lamps and absinthe fountains, and we learn that Kyle doesn’t know what absinthe is, bless her. (But I bet Kim does.)

Oh, and Lisa Vanderpump vanderclaims that she’s not going to be able to attend, as she is on vacation with Grandpa Ken.

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So everybody puts on their sequined dresses and their headpieces and their opera gloves, and head over to the property where they stand around and shiver in the 68 degree weather.

Kim eventually teeters in …

rhobh real housewives beverly hills im gatsby party

… and she and Kyle are immediately accosted by Eden who wants to smoothe things over with the sisters. She tries to do so by explaining that she just sees so much of herself and her sister who happened to die of an overdose in Kim and Kyle. See? Eden’s just coming from a place of love and PROFOUND CONCERN THAT KIM IS ABOUT TO DIE FROM ALL THE ALCOHOL SHE IS CLEARLY STILL DRINKING.

Kim and Kyle:

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When the Richards sisters tell her to take her concern and shove it in her love jar, Eden explains that she’s not the only one who is worried: their other friends, all of them, have expressed their concern to her. And by “all of them,” she means Rinna.

But a confrontation with Rinna will just have to wait because Lisa Vanderpump makes her big VanderEntrance. Party things happen: P.K. compares Lisa Rinna and Eileen to Statler and Waldorf; Erika calls herself a “cunt”; Rinna and Eileen have port-a-potty adventures; Kim reveals to Camille that she has a new boyfriend; and Cheyenne Jackson is wandering around for some reason.

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SAME.

Finally, Eden takes a VanderSeat next to Lisa to whom she whines about the Richards sisters. But Lisa Vanderpump is not VanderHaving it, and tells Eden to stay out of it. “We started off on the right foot, and I’m happy about that. But my other foot will kick you in the VanderAss if you come after my girl Kyle,” Lisa VanderPromises.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and would like you to know that if you have a Great Gatsby party you have to go to, you should check out Amazon for inexpensive, but not shoddy dresses! (I was totally not paid to say that, but I WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY, AMAZON, IF YOU ARE LISTENING.)

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