‘The Bachelor’: Dramatic Irony

The Bachelor
March 6, 2017

Let’s do some math.

We know that Rachel J.D. is the next Bachelorette.

+

The majority of Bachelors/Bachelorettes are the second runner-ups, i.e. the people dumped after the Fantasy Suites.

+

This is the Fantasy Suite date.

+

The Women Tell All special is on immediately following this episode, in which the second runner-up is always interviewed. Also, the special would provide an opportunity for The Producers to promote the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.

= Rachel J.D. is DEFINITELY getting dumped tonight and we all know it, making this episode The Least Suspenseful Episode of The Bachelor Ever.

oh-im-so-bored-i-can-not-do-it

Ugh.

Last we left our friend SOOEY! she was giving us way too much information about how she’s never had an orgasm. So much information! No one needed that much information! Keep all of that information to yourself, SOOEY!

The morning after, SOOEY! says her goodbyes to This Asshole, and tells us coyly that “This Asshole is good at what he does,” and that she is “satisfied.”

the-bachelor-nick-im-gonna-puke-vomit

They then have a montage of SOOEY! running around Lapland making snow angels and petting dogs and twirling in the snow and I can not and I will not.

Next: Rachel J.D.’s date. Rachel J.D. and This Asshole go cross-country skiing and they pet reindeer and they take a sleigh ride before retiring to some cabin. And I don’t know which is the bigger bummer of this date that we all know is so very doomed: that This Asshole and Rachel J.D. seem to have some genuine chemistry, both physically and intellectually or that Rachel J.D. keeps talking about how she is scared to be vulnerable and tell This Asshole that she loves him for fear of being rejected, only to tell him that she loves him WHEN WE KNOW SHE IS ABOUT TO BE REJECTED.

Actually, come to think of it, the biggest bummer of this date is when Rachel J.D. tells This Asshole that he is “rare and refreshing,” and This Asshole responds, “I may be white, but I’m still a minority.”

oh-no-snl

Ugh, This Asshole, you really are such an asshole.

Anyway, they talk and they talk and they talk and they talk and they TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK AND THEY TALK until she agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite with him.

And can we just discuss for a hot second how shitty this Fantasy Suite was? I’ve been blogging this nonsense for years now, and I have never in my life seen a worse Fantasy Suite — what of it that we can actually see as the Producers wisely choose to shoot it from outside a barely cracked door. I have seen Fantasy Suites that have private plunge pools and rose petals and yacht access and personal elephant butlers. Hell, in this round of Fantasy Suites, SOOEY!’s Fantasy Suite had a glass roof so they could watch the Northern Lights, and SPOILER! Valencia’s Fantasy Suite has a roaring fireplace. But Rachel J.D.’s Fantasy Suite — from what I can see of it — consists of a mattress and a boxspring crammed into a crawl space that is only slightly larger than they are. Romantic!

Anyway, presumably they make the sex and the next morning he leaves her thinking she has a chance. She does not have a chance.

Finally: Valencia’s date. This Asshole takes Valencia to the reindeer place, but instead of petting reindeer, he makes her do this awful thing where they jump into a tub of frozen water before running into a sauna before running back out to the tub of frozen water and so on and so forth etc. etc. etc.

Eventually, they settle into a hot tub where Valencia asks him what he thought of her family. This Asshole says something about how “traditional” they are, and how “traditional” he is not and Valencia is immediately like, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” This leads to a not-quite-fight, where Valencia basically says in no uncertain terms that she has no intention of leaving Montreal or her family, to which This Asshole makes weird noises about how “alike” they are. Yeah, that’s not what she’s trying to get at, This Asshole. Stay on topic, This Asshole.

This conversation carries over into dinner, where Valencia is like, “No, seriously, I’m not going to compromise on my ‘core values’ and by ‘core values’ I mean, I am not leaving Canada.” This Asshole, responds that he is a “proud American” and that he has never imagined living in Canada. BUT NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! TAKE IT! I DO NOT LIKE YOU, THIS ASSHOLE, BUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW I THINK ANY AMERICAN WHO HAS A VIABLE OPTION TO MOVE TO CANADA SHOULD ABSOLUTELY TAKE IT WITH BOTH HANDS AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

canadian-daniel-swimsuit

Valencia then tells This Asshole that she expects that he will only propose to her on the condition that he can not picture himself with anyone else. And this isn’t much to ask — we should all want that from the person we choose to spend our lives with. But somehow in this upsidedown version of reality that exists in “Bachelor Nation,” such a request from a contestant to the Bachelor comes off as almost demanding and presumptuous.

Everything about this show is wrong and bad and unhealthy and destroying our country, I swear to God.

And then for reasons that I will never understand considering these two people do not actually seem to like each other and can’t be around one another for five minutes without getting into a fight, Valencia tells him she loves him and she accepts the Fantasy Suite invitation and they make the sex, the end.

He is going to choose her, and they are never ever ever going to get married.

Finally, the Rose Ceremony. This Asshole greets the women and then starts blubbering about how hard this decision is. Ugh. With the crying and the ugh.

Rose 1: SOOEY!
Rose 2: Valencia

Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.

Which means, goodbye, Rachel J.D., but not for long, girl. Soon you will be the one handing out the roses and you can just send home assholes like This Asshole. But even if you don’t end up marrying the person you give your final rose to, in the end, you dodged a bullet with This Asshole, that I promise you.

tell him boy bye beyonce

Really, don’t be sad, baby. It’s going to be just fine.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

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And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

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The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and needs to go sanitize everything immediately.

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