The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Buddha Bentley Birthday”
December 13, 2017
This episode begins with an enormous waste of all of our time: Lisa Rinna and Kyle go to an exercise studio and play on rowing machines. They drive to the gym in Mauricio’s brand new Lamborghini prompting Rinna to say that if Harry Hamlin bought a Lamborghini, she would know that aliens had taken over because he’s a “cheap motherfucker.” This, a week after he presented her on camera with a new Tesla.
The whole purpose of this scene is for Rinna and Kyle to discuss Rinna’s Vanderlationship with Lisa Vanderpump which is VanderTenuous at best. However, in the wake of her father’s death Rinna has decided that she doesn’t have time for petty bullshit and that she just has to accept VanderPeople the way they are and just get VanderOver it.
And then they exercise with Kyle’s oldest daughter, the college-aged one, whatever her name is, and we learn that she is no longer going to University of Arizona, because it was “not the right fit.” (“Not the right fit” = “Someone couldn’t handle being at one of the biggest party schools in the country, WOOOOOOOO!!!!! LET’S DO MORE FIREBALL SHOTS!!!!”) College Daughter is now going to school in Boston for those of you keeping score. But I do not believe “going to school in Boston” means THAT school in Boston.
As for Lisa Rinna’s daughters, Lisa Rinna has decided to insert her girls into the model vacuum left in Yoyawnda’s departure from the show, starting with the 17-year-old. To this end, they eat zucchini pasta WHICH IS NOT PASTA IT’S JUST A MUSHY PILE OF SORROW and talk about the modelling tips Cindy Crawford personally shared with the girls.
As for Lisa Vanderpump, she’s bought herself a new VanderHorse; a rideable one this time. His name is His Royal Highness Prince Tardon. Rich people, man.
Meanwhile, Eileen reminds us that she is still on Young & The Restless in case we’ve forgotten which we have not because it is the most interesting thing about her and that’s not saying much.
And over in Erika Jayne’s world, she’s auditioning dancers for her new video, “Expensive”:
It’s going to be so hot, y’all.
(Aside: I found this gif while searching for “Big Freedia” and OH MY GOD, AN ERIKA JAYNE/BIG FREEDIA COLLABORATION WOULD BE EVERYTHING. DO IT, LADIES. MAKE IT HAPPEN.)
But the main story in this episode is Dorit and her lavish 40th birthday party that her husband PK organizes for her without her input. She also suspects that PK is buying her a new car, and sneers that it better not be a Tiffany blue Maserati, because, “ew.”
Instead, PK gives Dorit a “rose gold” Bentley which obviously is just in very good taste and not tacky at all.
Finally, the party. Everyone is driven up PK and Dorit’s driveway in a golf cart upon arrival and brought into the living room where they stand around and stare at each other in silence. Fun! Dorit comes downstairs and is like, “I KNOW THIS ISN’T THE WHOLE PARTY,” and it isn’t, there is more, but not until we get some arrivals on tape first.
Lisa Rinna and Vanderpump, for instance, don’t need blaring dance music drowning out this hilarious and needlessly VanderNasty exchange:
Rinna: I love your gloves! Where did you find something like that?
Vanderpump: I’m not VanderTelling the likes of you.
Rinna, bless her, tries to spin this as a positive development: hey, at least they’re talking, right? That’s something, right? Oh, sweetie.
Eileen arrives and receives similar treatment from Lisa Vanderpump who is still sore that Eileen was “cold” to her at Erika’s birthday party. When Eileen tries to make small talk and ask Lisa how things are going, Lisa Vanderpump’s response is, and I quote, “I’m good, I’m busy, I’m happy, I’m … surviving … in a world that seems … sometimes challenging.”
VanderReminder: this woman lives in a house with a moat and pet swans.
But then Lisa Vanderpump says that she’s sorry and for one brief moment, Eileen believes that Lisa Vanderpump is ACTUALLY VANDERPOLOGIZING for being an asshole about Eileen’s marriage. But then Lisa Vanderpump continues her thought: she heard Eileen’s mother died, and she’s sorry for her loss. Eileen actually laughs in Lisa Vanderpump’s face, she was so startled by the gap between her expectation and VandeReality. “Yes,” Eileen manages to say, “death does put things in perspective.”
Erika then arrives wearing what appears to be a t-shirt, to Dorit’s horror. However, Erika explains that it is straight of the Moschino runway, so Dorit can eat it. Oh, and here’s a Chanel bag, Dorit. Happy birthday, bitch.
Eileen, having wrapped her head around what just happened with Lisa Vanderpump, goes back and explains that her reaction to Lisa’s Vanderdolences was inappropriate, but she honestly thought Lisa was finally going to Vanderpologize to her. Lisa, who gave Eileen several insincere Vanderpologies last season declares that VanderHell will freeze over before she apologizes to Eileen Davidson again, because come the fuck on.
And then this PK guy comes out and is like, “LOL this isn’t the real party, suckers,” before welcoming them to “Dorit’s Buddha Lounge,” and leading them out to the backyard.
TRUTH.
The backyard has been covered in dance floors and lighting and bars serving sushi and giant portraits of Dorit’s face and a wall of roses, you know the typical crap that people with so much money they don’t know what to do with it spend their money on. PK then has Dorit sit on a giant chair that is carried out by dudes wearing creepy Eyes Wide Shut lace masks, so that he can tell her what a fantastic husband he is that he loves her.
Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna does what Lisa Vanderpump will never do: offers Vanderpump an apology for being so hard on her in the last season, and the two women agree to “move on.” LOL SURE.
But Vanderpump is not ready to move on from torturing Eileen. At one point, when Eileen asks Vanderpump and some others if they’ve seen her nightmare of a husband, Dick Van Patten Jr., Vanderpump replies that she saw him with his head up someone’s skirt over in the corner. HAHAHAHAH DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE STARTED WHEN YOU TWO CHEATED ON YOUR RESPECTIVE SPOUSES WITH EACH OTHER AND NOW HE’S CHEATING ON YOU WITH SOME RANDOM WOMAN AND THAT’S KARMA? I mean, that’s just a very good Vanderjoke.
For some reason, Eileen is not amused, and with a sigh she wanders off to find Rinna and Kyle and share Vanderpump’s hilarious bon mot. And both of whom are like, “DAAAAAAAMN.”
Damn indeed, ladies. Damn indeed.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and will apologize when Hell freezes over.