‘Married to Medicine: Houston’: An astrological reading for filth

Married to Medicine: Houston
“War at the Roses”
December 3, 2016

We begin this episode with Dr. Ashandra informing the Wellness Center that the dental equipment she requires is going to cost half  a million dollars. Which is very many dollars!

Later, Dr. Ashandra and Pretty Ricky go to dinner at Boheme, which for those of you not in Houston is one those popular bar/restaurants that is always full of 20/30-something professionals and wannabe hipsters and you’re like, “UGH, DON’T MAKE ME GO TO BOHEME I HATE CROWDS AND 20-SOMETHINGS,” but then their dumb flatbread pizza is SO GOOD that it makes you somehow even angrier?

Anyway, so they go to Boheme and over dinner Pretty Ricky suggests they start thinking about having another baby, but Dr. Ashandra is all, “NOT NOW, PRETTY RICKY,” before informing him that she will be devoting all of her free time to raising money for the free clinic she’ll be operating. Pretty Ricky expresses worry that she’s taking on too much, before adding that he will support her no matter what, and then these two high-five because they are the relationship that you wish you were in.

Elsewhere, Rachel and Dr. James climb into bed and discuss the fact that Cindi Rose called Rachel anti-semitic before inviting her to her Passover Dinner — which, when you think about it, really is quite the mixed message. Rachel assures Dr. James and the audience that she will not be eating matzo and horseradish with Cindi Rose anytime soon.

There is also some brief talk about how Rachel is going to look into “iPhone lingerie” in hopes of tearing Dr. James away from his phone. Cute, but I do not want to have to think about your “touch button,” Rachel.

no-thank-you-please

Later, Rachel helps Mamacita Maribel set up a Tinder profile to ease her back into the dating world. Impossibly, Mamacita Maribel has not been on a date in a year, and she wants to try a dating site that is more “gentile” … or “gentle,” as she actually meant, than Match.com. Somewhere, Cindi Rose arches an eyebrow. Or she would if her face weren’t frozen like that.

Mamacita Maribel’s hobbies include: listening to live music, traveling, cooking and watching TV, specifically Forensic Files. SÍ, MAMCITA. TU Y ME BOTH. WE SHOULD BE BEST AMIGAS. Also, Mamacita Maribel likes younger men, though she clarifies that she doesn’t want to “rock the crawdell.

But maybe she kinda does, because her first date is with a gentleman who may or may not have used a much younger picture of himself on Tinder and Mamacita is clearly unimpresionado. She grudgingly goes on the date, but the next morning complains to Rachel that he was un “abuelo” and did not pay her enough cumplidos. Ay, Tinder Abuelo, how dare you disappoint Mamacita. It does not matter that it was clear before you even left la casa that this was not going to work out, YOU TELL MAMACITA THAT SHE IS BONITA.

As for Dr. Erika, she visits with the fertility doctor who tells her that she only has around 4 follicles in each ovary, which is fewer than the 6 or 7 that is ideal for egg harvesting. Dr. Erika is surprised by the news, explaining that while she is 37 years old, she expected the doctor to tell her that her ovaries looked a lot younger. AGAIN, DR. ERIKA, THAT’S NOT HOW BIOLOGY WORKS, GIRL. Were you asleep during your entire OB-GYN rotation?

shakes-head-no-uterus

Later we meet Dr. Monica’s tiny parents who seem very nice and shove a lot of food and broad philosophical musings about the human condition into her at dinner.

Things we already knew about Dr. Monica: Dr. Monica’s ex-husband went to prison for tax evasion. Things we didn’t know about Dr. Monica: 1. she doesn’t really keep her parents updated on her relationship with Imad because it’s so very shitty and 2. as a teenager, she used to have to take her brother with her to sleep-overs.

This last bit of information leaves me with so many unanswered questions. She would really have to take her brother with her to sleep-overs? Really? Were her friends’ parents cool with this arrangement? Where would he sleep? Was HE cool with this arrangement? How does one broach this issue with another family? “Well, we don’t trust you enough to host our daughter at your home. You might allow her to get into some mischief with boys or something, so we insist that you allow our son to sleep under the same roof as your daughter to keep everything on the up-and-up.” HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? It’s almost the kind behavior that might drive a teenager to marry her first boyfriend no matter how sketchy he might be, just to get out of under the thumb of her ridiculously overprotective parents.

So, Cindi Rose’s Passover Seder. As she noted earlier, Rachel will not be in attendance. Instead, she, Dr. Ashandra and Elly meet at Giulietta for drinks — specifically some nightmare called a “strawberry shortcake” shot.

let-me-stop-you-right-there-lo-peor-rhom

Elly complains about Dr. Monica attacking her profession to a sympathetic Rachel and a considerably less sympathetic Dr. Ashandra. It’s interesting and telling divide. I am sure that Rachel, the cute blonde stay-at-home wife of a surgeon, has been on the receiving end of some dismissive behavior from other doctors, and as a result is sensitive to how that makes one feel. Dr. Ashandra, on the other hand, thinks Elly is “making a mountain out of a molehill,” and I agree! What Dr. Monica did was crummy, but in the grand scheme of things, it says more about Dr. Monica being a petty bitch than it does anything about Elly! But it’s also very easy to take that high-minded position when you have that “Dr.” in front of your name — no one is questioning or will question Dr. Ashandra’s professionalism.

And in closing, everyone is right: Elly is entitled to feel insulted, and Dr. Ashandra is entitled to think Elly shouldn’t “let that move [her], Boo.”

But back to Cindi Rose’s Passover dinner. Dr. Erika and Derek spend time deciding what to wear and I only mention this because while Dr. Erika decides to wear a perfectly nice dress, Derek puts on a wrinkled shirt and doesn’t even bother to tuck it in?

derek-wrinkled-shirt-m2mh

GET IT TOGETHER, DEREK.

Meanwhile, before heading over to the Rose’s, Dr. Monica explains to Imad that having never been to a Shabbat she looked it up to find out what to expect (brisket). She also talks about how she’s “spiritual” as evidenced by this one time she went to a spa with her dad and they meditated. Imad is skeptical.

Once at the Rose’s, Cindi Rose introduces Dr. Erika, Dr. Monica, Derek and Imad to her astrologer, which even Derek knows is not part of the Jewish tradition. The astrologer takes a particular interest in Dr. Monica and announces that he is going to take a look at her chart and get back to her on what her “sole purpose is.” I would think “preventing people from dying of heart attacks” is a pretty great “sole purpose,” but you do you, star dude.

At the table, once Cindi Rose stops bragging about her “real crystal”…

rupaul-eyeroll

… the rabbi offers a toast to “health and joy and beautiful unions.” And this is when Miss Cleo over here announces that he’s looked at Dr. Monica’s charts and he thinks that she’ll be ready to make a commitment in a year. “With whom?” Imad laughs. Cool joke!

The astrologer turns on Imad and asks if he’s ever wondered why he hasn’t found anyone for whom he’s willing to give up his independence. Imad protests that he has given up his independence, attending this dinner and appearing on this reality show being exhibit A. But Astrologer has only just opened the library on Imad and begins to explain that Dr. Monica allows him his independence.

This, somehow, becomes an argument between Dr. Monica and Imad over how their hypothetical children will be religiously raised. Dr. Monica wants to raise the imaginary babies as Hindu; Imad, who is Muslim, does not.

Everyone at the Seder:

jay-z-cringe

A short list of things that are fun to fight about in front of other people and will definitely not make the other people want to die of embarrassment for you, for them, for the world:

  1. religion
  2. your relationship

Dr. Monica stomps away from the table, while Imad complains to anyone who will listen that she’s being unreasonable and insisting that they raise the never-going-to-happen-babies as Hindu to placate her parents.

When Dr. Monica returns to the table, Astrologer butts in again, because he is NOT. DONE. reading Imad. Astrologer explains that Dr. Monica feels Imad is her “karma” and that he’s resisting being with her. However, if Imad is not careful, he will lose Dr. Monica. Imad asks Dr. Monica if this is true, and she replies that in fact it is. Then some people we don’t know ask how long Dr. Monica and Imad have been together, and Dr. Monica answers “3 years.” This is the face Stranger Lady makes:

yeesh-m2mh

I KNOW, STRANGER LADY, RIGHT?

Dr. Monica then begins yelling at Imad that if he doesn’t want to marry her THAN HE SHOULD JUST LET HER GO.

Everyone at the Seder:

80s-awakward-cringe-oh-no

SUPER FUN DINNER. LET’S ALL DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME NEVER.

Later, Dr. Monica meets with her best friend, Neera, to complain about Imad, and Neera is like, “Listen up: you either have to be cool with the fact that Imad is never ever ever going to marry you or you have to dump him. But I don’t want to hear about this anymore, no one wants to hear about this anymore. Decide.” Dr. Monica then jokingly threatens to become a lesbian and start a relationship with Neera, to which Neera is like, “I do not remember extending that particular invitation.” I like Neera! Can we keep her?

Before we move on from this episode, I submit a modest request to the Producers of this show, specifically the editors. WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP USING THIS SAME STOCK FOOTAGE OF THIS AMBULANCE:

that-damned-ambulance-m2mh

You used it three times in this episode! Two of the times were 8 minutes apart! I understand that you only have so much filler footage of Houston, but is it too much to ask that no one single shot be used more than twice in an episode? 1. It shows a lack of imagination. 2. It feels cheap. And  most importantly: 3. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m being gaslighted. I had to go back and rewind a few times to make sure I wasn’t just experiencing a damn glitch in the Matrix. Fix this please. Thanks! You’re terrific!

Married to Medicine: Houston airs on Bravo on Fridays at 8 p.m. But it SHOULD air when someone might actually see it because it’s pretty good.

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