‘Married to Medicine: Houston’: Apolo-gee whiz

Married to Medicine: Houston
“Sorry Not Sorry”
November 25, 2016

We begin with Dr. Ashandra as she, Pretty Ricky and their children head to their church, The Fountain of Praise. Dr. Ashandra explains that after her divorce she grew bitter and turned away from religion, but that Pretty Ricky taught her to love again and brought her back to God.

For those of you who don’t live in the South, much less Houston, The Fountain of Praise is what is known as a megachurch. The Fountain of Praise is one of the largest single-campus churches in the country with nearly 12,000 weekly attendees. That’s a lot! But that’s also just kinda how we do church in Houston. Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church is in the Houston Rocket’s former basketball stadium and is the country’s largest congregation at a single campus with around 52,000 in attendance each week. We like our religion Texas-sized down here.

Later, we learn that Dr. Ashandra is actively helping the church with their new wellness center for the underinsured. She is going to provide dental services, just as soon as they set up a proper examination room. We learn that Dr. Ashandra comes from a modest background: her mother grew up on a literal plantation, and her father’s mother was a maid. As a child, she was taught that who whom much is given, much more is required, and bless her, she seems to be living it. Or she will be AS SOON AS SOMEONE CAN EXPLAIN WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO STERILIZE HER EQUIPMENT UP IN HERE.

As for Dr. Erika, she and Derek explore their fertility options with a specialist who informs her that her 37-year-old eggs will have about a 60% chance of producing a viable pregnancy. Dr. Erika, who, again, I remind you is a medical doctor, is surprised at this news, having somehow set her expectations on having a guaranteed 100% success rate. That’s not how fertility works, sweetie. That’s not how biology works.

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Later, Dr. Erika and Derek take Derek’s younger brother who is visiting from college to Kata Robata for some of the best sushi you can find in Houston, for real though. BUT FOR REAL THOUGH. Except ha ha? Derek’s younger brother doesn’t really eat sushi? because he’s from Abilene? and so he pulls a bunch of dumb faces that you might expect from a third grader while he tries the sushi and HOW DARE YOU, YOUNGER BROTHER. YOU TREAT CHEF HORI-SAN’S SUSHI WITH SOME RESPECT, YOUNG MAN.

As it happens, Younger Brother is in town because it is Easter weekend, and all of Derek’s family is coming to visit. After Easter services, Dr. Erika and Derek take Derek’s mother and two younger brothers to brunch at Caracol, but not Derek’s father who is laid up in the hotel with a broken arm and counting his blessings that he’s not being trotted out for a Bravo reality show. Dr. Erika and Derek remind us for the forty-eleventh time that Derek’s family is very traditional and conservative and they only love Jesus more than they love the Second Amendment because TEXAS!

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A FRIENDLY REMINDER FROM A NATIVE TEXAN: We Texans do not all love only Jesus more than the Second Amendment. Some of us love Jesus just as much as the Second Amendment.

Anyway, all of this is build up for Dr. Erika to tell her very Christian, very conservative mother-in-law that they are going to have an untraditional pregnancy using a surrogate.

“Okay, cool, whatever works,” says Mother-In-Law.


So that was definitely worth all of that set-up and hand-wringing.

Elsewhere, we sit in with Elly as she treats her patient, Quentin, who is so overwhelmed at being able to hear again after she fits him with a hearing aid that he begins crying. DAMMIT, QUENTIN, YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY, TOO.


Anyway, hearing loss is stigmatized for no good reason, blah blah blah, she’s changing people’s lives, &c.

As for Dr. Monica, she visits Cindi Rose whom Dr. Monica describes as a “Renaissance woman.”

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As for Dr. Monica, Cindi Rose compares her to “Mother Teresa.”

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Anyway, Mother Teresa Dr. Monica explains that she wanted to talk with Cindi Rose about Rachel, and try to smooth things over between the two women. Cindi Rose musters up her fakest concern for Rachel: is there something wrong in her home life? Does she drink too much? Dr. Monica insists that it’s nothing like that, but maybe they should all get together for dinner and talk everything out. This settled, the women burn sage to “purify” themselves/confirm that Cindi Rose is a complete whackadoodle.

Elsewhere, Dr. James helps Rachel study. It is very boring. I AM SORRY, BUT IT IS THE TRUTH, THIS IS BORING ME.

Later, Mamacita Maribel finds Rachel getting ready for her dinner with Dr. Monica and Cindi Rose, and announces “I COME CONTIGO. I GO PUSE MI GLAMAZON ON.”

Meanwhile, the way the show is edited it appears as though Dr. Monica is busy treating a 26-year-old woman with Lupus and leaky heart valves and that’s why she isn’t at Up Restaurant when Rachel, Mamacita Maribel and Cindi Rose arrive. I call production shenanigans.

The more important point is, Cindi Rose arrives bearing a “gift” for Rachel: a box containing nothing but an apology poem that does not actually apologize for anything:

Rachel, I was sad when you made a dash
When perhaps you thought there was a clash
No one said anything to you rash
I would love our laughter to once again blend
I would be disheartened for our friendship to end

Where to even start with this. First of all, someone knows nothing about meter. But more importantly, not only did I study poetry for my English degree and help edit some books of poetry back when I worked in publishing, but I also happen to be fluent in both passive aggression and bitchiness, so I am well equipped to deconstruct Cindi Rose’s verse for you:

Rachel, how dare you storm out of my party
And make a scene, RUDE
You were being overly dramatic
Get over yourself, I’m the real victim here
I anxiously await your apology

For some reason, Rachel does not accept this “apology” which leaves Cindi Rose flabbergasted. Whatever did she say to Rachel that warrants an apology? Rachel reminds Cindi Rose that she said she dresses “more Beaumont than Houston” and had people insult her at the party.

Cindi Rose has the cojones to argue that when she said Rachel dresses “more Beaumont” she meant it as a compliment, before insisting that in that same exchange, Rachel was being anti-semitic when she explained she was dressed that way because she was headed to church. OH, RACHEL, HOW COULD YOU MENTION YOU WERE GOING TO CHURCH. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO PUT ON AN SS UNIFORM AND GROW A TINY LITTLE MUSTACHE AND MARCH AROUND WITH YOUR HAND IN A NAZI SALUTE.

Cindi Rose then announces that she is the one who is leaving now, huffing, “enjoy your meal, bitch,” before stomping off.

But she’s not gone for long, as Dr. Monica finally arrives, escorting Cindi Rose back to the table. Acting as peacemaker, Dr. Monica claims that Cindi Rose’s apologetic gesture was “sweet,” to which Rachel points out that no part of it was an actual apology. So Cindi Rose pointedly asks, “Can you accept my apology?” and Rachel does, and then Cindi Rose invites them all to her upcoming Passover dinner because who better to celebrate the seder with than your most anti-semitic friends?

Married to Medicine: Houston airs on Bravo on Fridays at 8 p.m. But it SHOULD air when someone might actually see it because it’s pretty good.

One thought on “‘Married to Medicine: Houston’: Apolo-gee whiz

  1. I’ve watched up to this episode now…I can’t waste my time on this show anymore. The blonde doctor’s wife and dentist are the only ones good to watch. The audiologist and Asian doctor are boring and Monica is trying too hard. I don’t blame bravo for putting it on Friday night.

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