The Real Housewives of New Jersey
October 9, 2016
Like me catching up with this season, and a violence-free Posche fashion show, they said it couldn’t be done. Shows what they know.
This episode begins in the aftermath of Vermont, with Dolores and Siggy chatting over Dolores’ new kitchen counters (YAWN) about how Jacqueline hasn’t returned Siggy’s texts, and how worried Siggy is that Jac thinks she’s has taken Teresa and Melissa’s side. Which she hasn’t! She’s neutral! She’s Switzerland over here! Why can’t she just be amici with everyone?
Dolores, meanwhile, shakes her head at poor, sweet, naive Siggy. She’s a Real Housewife now. What, exactly, did she think she was signing up for? But seriously, though, someone needs to hook Siggy up with their Hulu password and show her some back seasons, because she CLEARLY did not do her homework.
Siggy and Dolores head over to Jacqueline’s where Siggy whines at her for not responding to her text fast enough, and Jacqueline is like, “Dude, come on, I had just gone through some shit. I just was not thinking about you.” Siggy accepts this before announcing that she intends to be amici with everyone and not take sides. To that end, she has made some important decisions regarding upcoming Housewife events: she will not attend Kim D’s fashion show, she will not attend Melissa’s fashion show, but she will attend Jacqueline’s popcorn show, because that’s just fair. That just makes sense. That is definitely not taking sides.
Over at Melissa’s boutique, she prepares for this so-called fashion show and asks that Derek kid about Kim D’s allegation that he sold videos of Teresa to tabloids. But before Derek can explain himself, Melissa assures him that she watched all the videos, and there was nothing negative in them, so what, who cares. So I guess that is all settled and we shouldn’t think anything of the fact that Derek quit working at Envy three days before the episode with Kim D’s allegations aired. Nothing to see here, folks!
Later, Melissa meets Siggy for coffee and a side of truth. Siggy opens by telling Melissa that when she first met her, she thought Melissa was phony and self-absorbed. Which, wait, what? The good news, Siggy continues, is that she knows that Melissa is neither phony nor self-absorbed. The bad news, however, is that Siggy can’t bring herself to attend Melissa’s upcoming fashion show. She just wanted her to know it’s NOT because Melissa is phony and self-absorbed, it’s that Siggy doesn’t want to take sides.
“Cool,” says Melissa. “Say, are you going to Jacqueline’s popcorn thing? Oh, you are?”
Melissa then points out that it was Jacqueline who called her a phony and talked about her nose jobs and called Teresa a criminal and just acted like a complete pazzo in Vermont. She and Teresa were the calm ones, for a change. Siggy tries to defend Jacqueline against all of these very true charges by arguing that she was just frustrated that Melissa wouldn’t answer her very simple question about “Strippergate,” and whether or not Jacqueline tried to warn Melissa.
Melissa explains that she hesitated answering because while Jac did call her ahead of the Posche fashion show, what she actually said was something very vague about how “something” was going to happen to Melissa, and she thought it might have something to do with Danielle Staub. So now we’re not only relitigating Strippergate, we are, for some reason, dragging Known Prostitution Whore Danielle Staub into it. Super.
As for the Posche fashion show itself, it’s gone from being a evening banquet hall affair to taking place in the back of some restaurant in the middle of the day. The only Housewives in attendance are Jacqueline and Dolores, whom Kim D. seat right next to her, the better to gossip on camera about Teresa and Meatball’s marriage.
Kim D. tsks that if she were Teresa, she’d divorce Meatball while he was away so that he couldn’t try to take 50% of what’s hers. Dolores narrows her eyes and plays dumb while tabloid headlines flash on the screen accusing Meatball of cheating on Tre while she was away. Jacqueline, in peak passive aggressive form, shrugs that il Meatballs’ relationship works for them. But Kim D. isn’t done, mentioning “the blonde” and “a lot of brunettes.”
Ugh. And listen, no one thinks Teresa should leave Meatball’s philandering and felonious ass more than I do, credimi, BUT HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT, KIM D., YOU SELF-SERVING, FAME-HUNGRY LEECH. IT’S NOT YOUR BUSINESS. DIO MIO.
Elsewhere, Dolores goes shopping with her madre, who reveals that she never asked to see the family finances until after she had been married for 50 years. I understand the point of this — this is the culture that these women have grown up in, and so don’t be so quick to judge Teresa’s choice to stay with Meatball and blah blah blah. But at the same time:
Seriously, if this is the best they can do with Dolores’ storyline, maybe we should consider demoting her back down to “Friend of the Housewives.” Her kitchen renovation and pet deaths just aren’t really bringing much to the table here.
Teresa and Folletto have lunch together where they sorta talk about Teresa’s feelings about Meatball going away to meatball prison — sorta — and Folletto has the polpettas to ask Teresa if she was ever bitter towards Meatball for the mess he got her into. Teresa admits that she was, briefly.
Which is amazing! Teresa has never NEVER admitted to being angry or resentful or bitter towards Meatball, or blame him for anything, despite EVERYTHING. Wonders never cease. And Teresa might have really, honest to God, changed.
She and Folletto then vow to do this more often, especially since Teresa is going to have a lot of free time opening up.
Later, Melissa and Teresa meet Siggy and Dolores for lunch, where Siggy announces that she’s changed her mind, she will attend Melissa’s fashion show after all, Melissa’s welcome. “Great,” Melissa doesn’t say, “I don’t know how it would have gone on without you.”
As for the Laurita autism popcorn party, it happens. There’s popcorn. As Laurita thanks the crowd, he announces that Potatoee Face and That Pete Kid are not only getting married, they are having a baby. Aww! A baby potatoee!
At the popcorn party, we also learn that Meatball called Laurita and invited him to come to his “going away” party, adding that Laurita is welcome to bring his wife and kids. Jacqueline makes it PERFECTLY CLEAR that she will not be attending, but tells Laurita that it’s fine if he goes. This is challenged at the popcorn party by Dolores who tells Laurita in no uncertain terms that he should absolutely not attend — just think how that would make Jacqueline feel, being left home alone. Uh, I don’t know, fine? She’s a grown-ass woman, I’m sure she can handle her husband showing a little human kindness by supporting a friend who is about to go to meatball prison for THREE YEARS. Come on, Dolores.
We then end this episode with Teresa and Dolores in a church where they discuss their old-school upbringing and how Teresa would never leave Meatball for something as small as dragging her into a felonious morass. Adultery, however, that’s a whole other thing, youse guys. That’s an oath they took in front of Jesus, that’s not something youse allowed to violate, Teresa explains to an infinitely patient Dolores. And then they pray and pray and pray because what else is left.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.