The Bachelorette
August 1, 2016
Jojo the Unicorn has been through so much in the past year: she’s been chased by aggressive sea pigs; she had to convince her hyper-aggressive brothers that Bachelor Ben’s face wasn’t for punching; she was told she was loved by Bachelor Ben only to have him dump her on a beach in Jamaica in favor of an insipid flight attendant; she had to be nice to 25 drunk strangers who openly talked about wanting to get into her pants including one half-Asian dude with a lot of self-hatred issues; she struggled to tell several of her potential suitors apart seeing as they were all manufactured in the same Midwestern white guy plant somewhere; roid rage; her ex-boyfriend sold crazy stories to the tabloids about how she was totally still in love with him; she had to make out with a guy she wasn’t actually interested in on top of a drugged horse; and she had to pretend for 10 weeks that she wasn’t going to choose the guy it was painfully obvious she was going to choose the moment she laid eyes on him (and maybe even before that). It was hard work!
But here we are with one last trial to endure: feigning for one last week that she doesn’t know who she is dumping and who she is going invite to join her on a one-week press tour followed by a six month acting gig wherein they claim they are “engaged” and “going to get married,” they “just haven’t set a date yet,” which itself is followed by a breakup that is regarded with a universal shrug and maybe a snarky joke about not seeing that coming and a lifetime of being forgotten except by the occasional People Magazine writer who Googles their name to do a “Where Are the Former Bachelor and Bachelorettes Now” piece.
Step One: Introduce the last two men to the Unicorn Family; hope no one is punched.
The Producers fly the entire Unicorn Family out to Phuket to “support” and “guide” Jojo the Unicorn as she pretends to make her final choice between Fun Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother. The Unicorn Family includes: Dr. Daddy Unicorn, Sassy Mommy Unicorn, Angry Brother Unicorn Number One, Angry Brother Unicorn Number Two, and Silent Sister Unicorn Who’d Rather Not Be Here, Thank You Very Much.
Jojo explains to her family that she is in love with both of the final two men, which elicits a shocked GASP! from Sassy Momma Unicorn because she doesn’t understand that for narrative purposes, Jojo has to pretend for the next hour and forty minutes that Fun Robby still has a chance.
First to meet the family: Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother who brings the Unicorn Family flowers and a bag full of … hats?
I literally have no idea what this moob is doing with these hats. What is … why … hats? Are you sure? You’re going to go with hats?
But it’s not just the hats that fail to impress Sassy Momma Unicorn, it’s also Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother’s pretty pretty face and thick air of smugness. Sassy Momma says straight-up to Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother, “You’re too good-looking. You’re going to break my baby unicorn’s heart,” and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother is all, “Nah.”
Sassy Momma then takes Jojo aside and is like, “NOPE. NOT THIS ONE. ANYONE BUT HAT GUY OVER HERE.” But Jojo the Unicorn plugs her ears with her fingers and loudly responds, “LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALALALA.”
Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother visits with Dr. Daddy Unicorn where they talk loosely about relationships until Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother is like, “Alright, cool, it’s been real,” and leaves without asking Dr. Daddy for Jojo’s horn in marriage. Even though he made such a huge deal about doing just that before the Fantasy Suites. It’s almost as though he didn’t mean anything he said in the pursuit of that Fantasy Suite invitation ….
The next day it’s Fun Robby’s turn and he brings exactly 0 hats. Not a single one! Instead, he charms the Unicorn Family by telling them how much he loves their daughter, and how they have steadily been working on this developing relationship and generally treating everyone with kindness and respect. Even Angry Brothers Number One and Number Two are impressed by him and don’t threaten to punch him in the mouth. (I’m pretty sure the Producers slipped them some of their Argentinian horse tranquilizers.)
Fun Robby then asks both parents for their permission to propose to Jojo, which as you know for your trusty blogger is personally unacceptable …
… but for the type of person who would be on The Bachelor in the first place, this is Super Important, and with this gesture he wins over the symbolically-important-but-ultimately-meaningless Unicorn Family vote.
And, in fact, after sending Fun Robby back to his fun hotel room, Jojo discusses her choices with the Unicorn Family. “We love Fun Robby, he’s the one you should choose,” says Unicorn Family. “Fun Robby intends to marry you. You can trust him, he’s the guy,” they say. “I don’t know…” responds Jojo the Unicorn, “I’m confused.” “What if we told you that Fun Robby asked for our blessing and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother didn’t bother? Would that change your mind?” The Unicorn Family asks. “I don’t know…” responds Jojo the Unicorn, “I’m confused.” Jojo the Unicorn then begins crying because her Unicorn Family didn’t choose the guy she has already made up her mind to marry even though he’s obviously a terrible choice who is going to dump her as soon as the contractually-obligated public appearances are over and done with.
Meanwhile, Silent Sister Unicorn Who’d Rather Not Be Here, Thank You Very Much wonders why she is even here, is barely having it.
Step Two: Final dates, one of which must be on a boat.
Jojo the Unicorn first goes on a beach date with Fun Robby. It’s utterly unremarkable until Fun Robby draws a picture of what their future will be like which involves overstuffed furniture, burnt meatloaf and imaginary children who respectfully play in the next room so that their parents can have a some Mommy and Daddy Time. Great fantasy. Way to dream big.
That evening, they hang out at his hotel where he calls himself a “heart virgin,” which 1. is not a thing and 2. EW, GROSS, WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? He then gives her a bunch of pictures he had the Producers print up for him, or — giving him the benefit of the doubt here — he went to the ABC press site and printed out himself. Jojo the Unicorn then talks and talks and talks and talks about how trustworthy Fun Robby is and how he would never break her heart and how she knows he truly loves her and wants to build a life with her and would treat her with respect and that is why she absolutely is going to run screaming in the other direction.
Next up, the obligatory boat date, which she takes with Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother. The pair kayak over to some caves where they stop for a private picnic, and Jojo the Unicorn begins grilling Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother about how he thought his visit with her family went. “It was super awesome, especially the part where I didn’t ask your father for his blessing because I love you just that much,” Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother replies. In a masterful move, Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother manages to turn his not asking her parents for their blessing into Jojo the Unicorn’s fault — because her family hadn’t met Fun Robby yet? And he isn’t going to ask for their blessing until they know that he’s really her choice? It is some A+++ level nonsense Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother is spewing at our unicorn and the pitiful thing is that she is just lapping it all up because she’s already made up her mind that this d-bag is The One and she’s not going to back down now, not even when he is effectively telling her — DIRECTLY INTO HER DUMB FACE — that he’s just not that into her.
“I’m so confused!” Jojo the Idiot wails.
That evening, Jojo the Unicorn and Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother continue talking about this whole not-asking-for-a-blessing thing, and Jojo the Unicorn wonders if Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother is even ready to get engaged. YES, KEEP GOING WITH THAT, JOJO, YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, GIRL… Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother insists that he “[doesn’t] want to lose” before remembering to add “you” to that thought. And Jojo the Dummy, she buys it hook, line and sucker.
Step Three: Prepare for the proposal, wax chest, floof.
In this step, the men are required to stand shirtless on their hotel balconies, staring out into the far distance for a period of time, before slowly dressing and adjusting their hair poofs. They then are delivered to Neil Lane, Ringmaster, and forced to choose a ring to offer Jojo the Unicorn, preferably while yammering at a disinterested Neil Lane about their relationship with our potential bride. Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother has an extra level of difficulty in that he also must call Dr. Daddy Unicorn and, over the phone, ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage because the Producers threatened to fly him back to Nashville if he did not do so.
The men then each write letters to Jojo the Unicorn, Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother being sure to explicitly mention the part where he called her parents, now will she get off his back about it, GEEZ. Jojo the Unicorn reads each of the letters and cries while we return to the men as they shower and pose in towels and floof their exotic bird hairdos and stare off at the ocean and lint brush their identical electric blue suits. I have no idea what either of them actually said in their letters because I tuned out somewhere around, “Dear Joelle…”
Step Four: The final dumping/The proposal.
Jojo the Unicorn wanders out to the proposal platform that has been decorated with a series of tall vases and palm fronds and waits for the Dumpee to make his arrival. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it’s Fun Robby who is burbling about how excited he is to get engaged, never once looking around him and realizing that it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and the winner of this thing never comes out until sunset, maybe 30 minutes before the golden hour at the very earliest.
Fun Robby gives his spiel, but before he can get to the big, “Will you marry me” moment, Jojo the Unicorn stops him and tells him that while she “wanted it to be him,” it’s the other guy. OK, goodbye now, maybe The Ex is still available.
And then Aaron Rodgers’ Younger Brother arrives and says a bunch of things that he might even believe in that moment, that he loves her and wants to wake up next to her every morning and blah blah blah blah blah and he drops to one knee and proposes, insisting that “it’s real, it’s been real.” LOL, SURE, OK. And now they are engaged and I am sure they will get married and stay married and be happy forever.
With that we are done here, because I am very not interested in recapping any of the “After the Final Rose” nonsense — and you know what happened, anyway, right? Fun Robby says he was blindsided; Jojo apologizes to Robby; Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother is brought out to sit with Jojo to talk about how hard it was keeping their relationship secret and dealing with tabloid rumors; the couple then evades questions about when they are actually going to get married, and evades questions about Aaron Rodgers; and then we get a long preview of our next Bachelor nightmare, Bachelor in Paradise which begins tonight, and which is why I’m not bothering with this “After the Final Rose” special nonsense.
So, congratulations, Jojo the Unicorn! I hope you and your human cockatiel are happy together until you are not!
The Bachelorette will return to ABC sometime next summer because I am destined to suffer.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.