The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Black and Blues”
May 23, 2016
Let’s begin by getting Cary’s nonsense out of the way first. We pay a visit to Dr. Husband’s office where his much-put-upon employees say for the cameras that business sure has been up since Cary posted all those photos on the website of herself doing naked handstands. Thank you, Mrs. Dr. Husband, for saving our jobs with your yoga boobs.
During some sort of surgical procedure, Cary and Dr. Husband make some other employee listen to their anniversary plans in excruciating and unrelenting detail. Time to demand a raise, Employee.
Finally, back in the privacy of their own home, Cary and Dr. Husband celebrate their 6th wedding anniversary by having Taylor the Personal Shopper drop off another dress that Dr. Husband bought for Cary at Roberto Cavalli, and then stand around so as to listen to Dr. Husband talk about all the sex things he’s going to do to Cary. Enough, we get it, Dr. Husband, you are a very straight man who enjoys the very heterosexual sex with your very lady wife.
As for Brandi, as though her husband lacking empathy and common human decency weren’t enough to deal with, she reveals that her younger brother, a veteran who served in Afghanistan, has been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and attempted to kill himself via overdose. Fortunately, he wasn’t successful.
After discussing with her mother how her brother is doing (not great, Bob), Brandi goes to Stephanie’s house to share this heartbreaking news only to be confronted with Stephanie’s own heartbreaking news: OH MAH GAWD, Y’ALL, SHE TOOK HER 4-YEAR-OLD TO PRESCHOOL WITH NO SHOES ON. CAN YOU EVEN?
Brandi tells Stephanie about her brother, and how over the Christmas holiday he had a breakdown and she was mad at him for having it in front of her kids and how she just didn’t understand what kind of pain he was in and everyone cries and cries because this is very sad.
Later, Brandi meets her Terrible Husband Bryan for lunch because someone came to the realization that maybe telling his wife — ON CAMERA — that he doesn’t care about her feelings and then walking out on her while she is sobbing in public wasn’t the best look, and someone wants to now apologize, but on camera, obviously, because it doesn’t really count otherwise, right? And so he apologizes and she accepts and she tells him that when she’s feeling particularly down, she reads the love letters he wrote to her in high school and he LAUGHS IN HER FACE because even when Bryan is trying to be a nice guy, his inner B-hole just comes roaring out.
Elsewhere, Tiffany and LeeAnne meet LeeAnne’s socialite friend Heidi Dillon, who shows up to lunch dressed like this:
I can not and I shall not.
As if this outfit, whatever it is, wasn’t offensive enough, Socialite Heidi Dillon then presents Tiffany and LeeAnne with “#SkanksofDallas” bedazzled t-shirts she’s had made for her “friends,” because Socialite Heidi Dillon apparently calls her friends her “skanks.” What a treat this one is. What a delight.
Tiffany tells Socialite Heidi Dillon about her upcoming “charity event,” and by “charity event” she means music showcase for her husband Keith Urban Jr. at the House of Blues she’s making the Producers rent out for a Tuesday evening. Socialite Heidi Dillon gives her socialite blessing to this event, confident that it could (but won’t) attract a lot of people. Socialite Heidi Dillon then announces that she’s going to host a Frito Pie dinner party to which she is going to invite the rest of the cast so as to assess their skank worthiness. She doesn’t know these Brandi or Stephanie people, but she hasn’t heard good things. As for Cary, she heard she landed Dr. Husband the old-fashioned tried and true gold-digger way: on her knees under his desk. “OH MY,” titter LeeAnne and Tiffany, just SHOCKED! Socialite Heidi Dillon would say such a thing, as if they didn’t entirely put her up to it.
Later, LeeAnne and Tiffany go shopping ostensibly for something to wear to Tiffany’s event, but really so that Tiffany could warn LeeAnne on camera that Brandi’s brother recently tried to kill himself so maybe she should think about backing off of her for an episode or two, lest she get the villain edit. Oh, and along those lines, LeeAnne really should think about apologizing to Stephanie because screaming in her face that her “charity world was over” while Stephanie the baby deer cried and cowered isn’t exactly the best way to make oneself look sympathetic. LeeAnne, who clearly understands the semantics of reality television, agrees.
So, Stephanie meets LeeAnne for coffee, where she apologizes for “behaving horribly” before launching into a litany of excuses for why she behaved horribly, mostly because she had a terrible childhood. And listen, LeeAnne has to be very open about all of her childhood traumas, I mean it’s all going to come out when she does her memoirs and goes on the speaking circuit to save other people, so it’s she has to be honest about it. PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE AT STAKE.
And poor Stephanie is like, “Terrific. Does this mean that you won’t scream in my face anymore? Because that’s all I’m here for, honestly.”
As for Tiffany’s “charity” event, we’re going to skip over Keith Urban Jr. having his hair fluffed,
and Tiffany’s “fauxhawk” which is really just a floofed-up beehive with a braid,
and Keith Urban Jr’s 80s movie end-credits music,
or where he dedicates a song to Brandi’s brother who is most definitely not in the audience and who certainly won’t see this for at least several months,
and just jump ahead to the part where Socialite Heidi Dillon invites everyone to her “Goth State Fair” dinner party, where she promises to serve corn dogs and Frito pie, and in response, Cary tells Socialite Heidi Dillon she’s SO OLD right to her face. Which is hilarious! But not as hilarious as “Goth State Fair,” what does that even mean?
As it turns out, what it means is everyone puts on the blackest thing in their closet, smears some black eyeshadow and black lipstick around on their faces and then stands around Socialite Heidi Dillon’s faux-loft apartment eating corn dogs.
OK, so as we learn later in the episode, Socialite Heidi Dillon actually did have strong opinions about Cary before she met her at Tiffany’s “charity” event and before Cary called her old right to her face. As it turns out, Socialite Heidi Dillon is friends with the Ex-Mrs. Dr. Husband, and everyone has pretty strong feelings about Dr. Husband leaving her for Cary and her under-the-desk tricks. So my guess is when Socialite Heidi Dillon decided to throw a dinner party and invite the cast of RHOD, she opted for the “State Fair” theme so as to have an excuse to serve corn dogs, thereby giving her the opportunity to ask Cary for a demonstration of her husband-landing techniques in front of the cameras and God and everyone. Which, when it happens, is pretty awkward and hilarious but mostly awkward.
However, this fails to explain the whole “Goth” part of the theme. WHY? Why why why why why why why why
why why why why why why why why why
why why why why why why why why why why why why why WHY.
Just nightmare fuel for days, y’all.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that with Socialite Heidi Dillon’s help, LeeAnne has — at least for this episode — changed her target from Brandi to Cary, and everyone is openly rude to her (although Cary is openly rude to Texas culture when she mocks Frito Pie — GURL, YOU’D BEST STEP OFF), and after being asked to deep throat a corn dog, Cary eventually takes her leave in a huff because she did not put on all this MAC liquid eyeliner just to be insulted by a bunch of women who can’t get married one time, much less three, unlike herself.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.