‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: We need to talk

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Locken Loaded”
May 16, 2016

We begin this episode with a Very Pressing Issue: Stephanie wants to redecorate her older son’s bedroom with a Dallas Cowboys theme — because of course a Dallas Cowboys theme. But, DRAMA! Her husband Whatshisface, he has opinions about curtains! WHAT TO DO?!!

kristin wiig nervous screaming

As it turns out the answer is: redecorate the room and ignore Whatshisface’s suggestions. And with that, one fifth of this entire episode is done.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that in Stephanie’s discussion of her husband’s taste — or lack thereof, as the case is — she mentions the two samurai statues he insists on keeping in their front yard. I had noticed said statues in the previous episode, and snapped a picture of one of them while making the insightful mental note, “What the hell?”

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“What the hell?”

Turns out Stephanie, to her credit, agrees that these statues are awful, not awesome, and to her further credit has named the pair of them, “Gayle and Oprah.” Yes to this.

oprah yes emotional.gif

In other non-stories, Cary and Dr. Husband go shopping. Ostensibly they are shopping because Dr. Husband wants update the practice’s website with a photoshoot featuring Cary, but really they are shopping because they are being followed around by television cameras. Cary tries on a series of ball gowns, and the whole thing turns into a Costume Test Montage from a low rent 80s teen movie and, I’m sorry, but is this all you have to offer this series, Cary and Dr. Husband?

As if they could hear me through both the internet and time itself, Cary and Dr. Husband reply with a, “Well, how about some boobies?” Cary and Dr. Husband’s friend Courtney agrees to let them use her high-rise apartment for this “photoshoot” which is just Dr. Husband taking a series of pictures of Cary in nothing but a t-shirt and panties, or doing handstands in leather pants or rolling around naked on Courtney’s couch. I have a lot of feelings about this “photoshoot,” which include: “Eww, no, quit grinding into that couch that does not belong to you,” and “Put that away, no one wants to see that,” and, “I’m going to need a drink.” Also, this, I feel like this:

rhobh-adrienne-eyeroll

Later, Cary and Dr. Husband show us the pictures, are proud of how much nipple there is. Congratulations, guys, you did it.

So, Brandi is still really mad at her husband Bryan on account of him being a completely inconsiderate lout. After a highly symbolic phone call to his cell phone in which Brandi receives his voice mail informing her that, “Bryan is not available,” Brandi heads over to That Marie Person’s house to teach That Marie Person’s Daughter how to pat the puss cheerlead. “Roll and pat. Roll and pat.” Totally appropriate for a fifth grader, absolutely.

After the bump and grind lesson, Brandi and That Marie Person get down to the business they are really there for: to discuss LeeAnne and her Jesus Juice-throwing temper tantrum at That Marie Person’s cocktail party. While Brandi rants about LeeAnne and how crazy she is, That Marie Person nods and agrees and thinks LeeAnne needs to apologize to errrrrrybody and then says out loud that LeeAnne really could benefit from therapy. Which is true! LeeAnne does owe everyone, including Brandi, an apology! And she could DEFINITELY use a healthy dose of therapy! But unless you are prepared to live and die on those words, you’d best not say them on camera, That Marie Person! Do you even know how reality TV works?

Because over on the other side of some Dallas suburb somewhere, Tiffany and LeeAnne are in a Very Serious Conversation about how That Marie Person has been sending Tiffany texts about how LeeAnne is insane in the membrane. LeeAnne is DEEPLY TROUBLED by this; why, she and That Marie Person have been best friends since they were promotional models 20(ish) years ago.

solid as a rock starla arrested development

And so the plan is for Tiffany and LeeAnne to go together to confront That Marie Person, copies of texts in hand, and demand that THAT MARIE PERSON EXPLAIN HERSELF.

But first, they have a quick prayer in That Marie Person’s driveway, because as LeeAnne explains in complete sincerity, God is super-important to her and He takes a vested interest in LeeAnne’s interpersonal relationships and text messages. True fact.

So Tiffany and LeeAnne are greeted by That Marie Person who has donned her fanciest confrontation fascinator for the occasion.

Marie RHOD fascinator
“WAIT, YOU GUYS, BE HONEST, IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY HEAD?”

The three sit down and are like, “Wow, how about that cocktail party?” But before That Marie Person can get around to suggesting that maybe LeeAnne apologize to everyone involved for acting like a complete crazy person, Tiffany has whipped out a transcript of the texts That Marie Person has sent her, and is like, “Oh, that’s right, I printed them out.”

LeeAnne then begins scream-crying about how SHE HAD TO LEAVE THE COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE OTHERWISE SHE WAS GOING TO LOSE IT, SHE WAS CRYING SO HARD WHEN SHE GOT INTO THE CAB THAT NIGHT THAT HER DRIVER DIDN’T EVEN CHARGE HER, AND NO, SHE IS NOT HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN, THANKS FOR ASKING.

slow down crazy

That Marie Person is like, “WOW, OK, SORRY, WOW,” and then I guess God heard LeeAnne’s prayers because everything is fine now? I guess everything is fine now. (Actually, according to LeeAnne’s blog, things are very not fine now between her and “Ex-Friend,” as now she refers to That Marie Person, in case you or God were curious.)

As for Brandi, she goes over to Stephanie’s house to see how the toddler’s room is coming along, and to make jokes about blue balls and older gray balls and something about Bryan using her lady hairs for dental hygiene and how he chews his toenails and picks his nose…

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…and everyone is laughing and laughing and laughing until Brandi is like, “WELP, MY MARRIAGE IS DYING.” Stephanie apologizes for whatever role her husband Whatshisbutt had in keeping Bryan from Brandi’s family, and urges Brandi to schedule a date night to try to communicate her feelings to her dumb awful husband. “That’s an idea,” Brandi says.

And so, while trapped at home with her ginger children, making “psighetti” and wearing her finest “Jesus Juice Made Me Do It” t-shirt, Brandi calls her husband who is even heaven-knows-where doing God-knows-what to suggest they go out to dinner on a date night that weekend. Meanwhile, the older ginger child locks herself in her parents’ bedroom and refuses to come out because she hates vodka cream sauce. ME TOO, SISTER. STAY STRONG.

Later, Brandi prepares for her date while her husband talks about how exhausted he is from traveling to Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia, Florida and Arkansas in the span of 48 hours, and that is a lot! That is a lot of travel and would be exhausting! But you know what else is exhausting? Dealing with two toddlers by yourself for 48 hours. I’d put it up against traveling through five states on a private plane any day.

So Brandi and the Awful Bryan go to some churrascaria where over their cocktails, Brandi makes a toast to the upcoming summer and spending more time together as a family. Brandi then tries to bring up what she sees as the problems in their relationship by saying that maybe it’s her fault, that she hasn’t been as clear with him about what she needs from him emotionally, that she just expects him to know. But she is going to do her part by being very clear with him: they need to spend more time together and with their kids and, frankly, she needs more attention from him.

To this Bryan’s response is to glare and ask incredulously, “Seriously?” When Brandi asks if she’s done something wrong, and he replies, “Yeah,” but refuses to clarify further. Brandi then begins crying, to which he asks, “Are you gonna cry? Seriously? Wow, I didn’t see that one coming,” before declaring himself “done” and walking out of the restaurant.

Time to lock down Dallas’ best divorce attorney, Brandi! I could probably ask some people I know for suggestions, if you’d like!

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The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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