‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: Pour me a big ol’ glass of Texas throwing wine

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Mouth of the South”
May 2, 2016

We begin this episode with Brandi packing up her ginger clones to make a seventeen hour drive to Nowheresville, Oklahoma with Stephanie to have lunch with Stephanie’s family, just to turn around and drive seventeen hours back to Dallas.

I’m unclear what the point of any of this even was? That Stephanie comes from good Bible-reading, sweet-tea-drinking folk who say grace over every meal and think it’s normal to take a daily constitutional through the local cemetery? That Brandi doesn’t have a big family and that makes her sad? That a tanning salon/liquor store is a TERRIFIC business model? That driving any distance with small children is a living nightmare and should be used as an interrogation technique against our enemies? That Brandi hates the little purse dogs her mother keeps abandoning at her house and who keep trying to escape their ginger captors by fleeing down the street at the first chance? That Brandi keeps Jesus Juice in her children’s thermoses?

shrug

When Brandi returns home, she calls her estranged grandfather to invite him down to Texas to meet his ginger great-granddaughters. I guess this is supposed to be a big emotional moment.

shrug

Elsewhere, LeeAnne hits up some rich lady who lives in a fake loft and has a walking shag pillow she calls a “dog” to chair some charity event.

shrug

Later, LeeAnne attends an SPCA charity event, and we learn that LeeAnne’s charity monomania began thanks to the SPCA and some sickly pomeranian she adopted who made her “grow up and become a mom.” I’m just going to leave that there and not make any mean comments about pet owners comparing themselves to parents, because I don’t want to get into trouble with you nice people. However, I am going to suggest that we all agree we’re going to stop calling our pets our “fur babies.” JUST STOP. STOP IT. THAT’S GROSS.

Anyway, the SPCA party. Also in attendance are Tiffany and That Marie Person and they talk about Brandi and the poop hat that shall never die but the whole thing is difficult to take seriously when this is happening with nary an explanation:

Pink hat RHOD.png

I have many questions. First of all, I understand that this is “Shane” who owns the place where this event is being held. But I’d like to know was there a theme for this party? What was it? Was it “Mad Hatter Tea Party?” Because I think we’ve already done that one. And if there was a costume element, why aren’t LeeAnne and Marie and Tiffany dressed up? Where does one get a pink top hat and matching suit? Is that something you can rent at Men’s Wearhouse or do you have that custom made? Also, just, why?

But instead of dealing with these very important questions, the women talk about how they are looking forward to Marie’s upcoming cocktail party, because it won’t be a charity event and they can finally just let their hair down and have a good time. Because, you know, going to charity galas is just so stressful, what with all the free champagne and tiny crab puffs.

Later, Cary takes Tiffany to her yoga studio mostly so she could show off to the world that she can do this:

cary yoga rhod

Alright, alright, we get it. You yoga. Congratulations.

After, they drink horrible green juice drinks and Tiffany defends her relationship with LeeAnne: Why, LeeAnne has taken Tiffany to some of the most amazing events since she’s moved back to Dallas! “Yeah, or you could just pay the money and go,” suggests Cary.

snow white high five snl

Tiffany laments that she’s in a difficult position: she wants to be friends with Cary, but Cary is friends with Stephanie and Stephanie is friends with Brandi and Brandi wore that poop hat, so… She then decides that maybe if they all just had some girl time “outside the charity world,” whatever that means, they might all find that they have a lot in common after all. LOL, OK, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

So, according to LeeAnne, the women in her social circle take turns hosting a monthly cocktail party, which sounds like a bunch of made-up nonsense to me. Why not just get together at a bar or a Mexican restaurant for margaritas like normal people? But whatever, sure, they rent out an entire venue and purchase a ton of throwing wine and invite 30, 40 women once a month because. It’s LeeAnne’s friend That Marie Person’s turn to host, so LeeAnne is feeling fairly cocky about the whole thing even though she knows full well Poop Hat Brandi will be there.

As for Brandi, she and Stephanie pre-game with a couple of giant goblets of Jesus Juice because you would, too.

Upon arriving at the cocktail party, Brandi is grabbed by Tiffany who is, in Brandi’s words, “all over [her] like a 50% off sale at J.C. Penney’s.” This simile doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense, but I heart it anyway. Tiffany explains that just because she’s friends with LeeAnne doesn’t mean the two of them can’t be friendly, while LeeAnne watches from the corner, comparing Brandi to a rattlesnake.

Meanwhile, Cary approaches LeeAnne while she is talking to some Erika person, and LeeAnne explains that Cary thinks she (LeeAnne) is “fake.” NO! Not fake, Cary protests, just “different.” LeeAnne who has clearly had her share of Jesus Juice already, explains apropos of nothing that she has “a stamp on [her] ass that says ‘Made by God.'” Good to know.

Cary then returns to Brandi and asks if she’s talked to LeeAnne yet, and Brandi is like, NOPE. Before announcing that LeeAnne needs to get knocked up so that she has something other than Brandi’s poop hat to worry about. UM, BRANDI, LEEANNE IS A MOTHER TO A PACK OF RESCUE DOGS, SO CHECK YOURSELF.

Elsewhere, That Marie Person introduces us to Taylor, our new favorite tertiary character.

What we know about Taylor:

He is the only guy invited to That Marie Person’s “girlfriend night”
He was on the Fashionistas board with That Marie Person and LeeAnne
He was on A-List Dallas
He’s a gay Republican
He might be 12
He is there explicitly and specifically to make trouble

To that end, That Marie Person marches him over to Brandi and Stephanie where he proceeds to talk about how much he hated working with LeeAnne on the Fashionistas board before telling them that That Marie Person told him this one time LeeAnne “pooped her pants” because she was so drunk.

new girls shocking shocked

Taylor, you are a treasure.

When Tiffany returns to talk to Brandi, Stephanie and Cary, Brandi asks Tiffany about LeeAnne’s bowel control issues, and Tiffany insists that LeeAnne is her friend, and they just don’t know her. Objection, non-responsive.

Brandi is like, “Look, I tried. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and she was just a straight-up bitch to me. If she has a problem with me and my poop hat, she should have come to me, not go to my friends and try to convince them to dump me.”

Tiffany concedes that this is a fair point and drags LeeAnne over to talk to Brandi once and for all. Brandi begins by “apologizing” to LeeAnne for her lack of manners at not addressing her “elder” as “Miss” LeeAnne, a point that LeeAnne lobbed against Brandi to her friends when she tried to convince them it was in their best social interests to never hang out with her again. LeeAnne tries to claim she never said any of that maliciously, there is not a malicious bone in her body, to which Brandi is like, “You and your pants are full of poop.”

There is a back and forth about who said what at That Marie Person’s previous party, and Brandi reasserts that she thinks LeeAnne needs therapy. LeeAnne insists that Brandi doesn’t know the life she’s led, to which Brandi spits back, “Actually, I know EXACTLY what kind of life you’ve lead, because you talk about it in the tabloids CONSTANTLY.”

LeeAnne can’t counter this, so she resorts to the oldest of Real Housewives’ tricks and throws her champagne before hurling her glass to the ground.

is throwing wine something that gets you on a reality show 30 rock.gif

And this, my little cowpokes, is the moment when the Bravo executives decided to elevate this series from some Real Housewives rip-off about a bunch of “charity ladies” in Dallas to a full-fledged Real Housewives franchise.

LeeAnne then circles back around and tells Stephanie that she’s not classy for hanging out with Brandi, a “little piece of trash who can’t keep her mouth shut,” before placing upon Stephanie the most dreaded of all Dallas curses: “YOUR CHARITY WORLD IS GOING TO GO DOWN THE TOILET.” And with that, LeeAnne storms out of the cocktail party and we are promised that this will, indeed, be continued.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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