The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
March 29, 2016
For their second day in Dubai, the ladies (wisely) split up for their morning activities. Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump sexually harass Sanga, the world’s most unfortunate sea lion; Kathryn and Lisa Rinna go to a spa and have their lips steamed; and Erika and Eileen go to the hotel’s aquarium because Eileen just can’t get enough of staring at fish, apparently.
While staring at the fish, Erika and Eileen discuss the weirdness of the previous night, particularly that Lisa Rinna had said that Brandi’s Instagram photo with Yoyawnda and Kim Richards “enraged” her. Erika fixates on the semantics of this, arguing that “enraged” is such a strong word. “Didn’t understand” or “became angry” or “thought it was bull[feces],” sure, any of those would be fine. But “enraged?” Doesn’t that seem a little harsh?
Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna explains to Kathryn that the picture made her SO ANGRY and she’s ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT and they are COMING FROM A PLACE OF HONESTY, NOT JUDGMENT. And Lisa Rinna’s not wrong! I mean, Lisa Rinna was judging Yoyawnda’s decision to hang out with Brandi and Kim, but at least she was honest about it.
After a good lip steaming, Lisa Rinna hosts Eileen in her room where Eileen informs Lisa Rinna that Erika is all worked up over her use of the word “enraged.” But then Eileen then switches gears entirely, and is like, “Hey, remember that time on the beach when you said all that stuff about Lisa Vanderpump talking about Yoyawnda’s illness? How she was making fun of her? You know, that time you opened the Seven Seals? When you awoken the Father of Lies from his millennial slumber and set the igniting flame of the apocalypse? Remember that? Maybe we should discuss that with Lisa Vanderpump herself? Maybe you should own it and address it and deal with it with someone named Not Me?”
That evening, the ladies put on fancy muumuus and heels and load up on a bus that drives them off to the desert and leaves them. The end.
OK FINE. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills did not end with the ladies being abandoned in the Arabian desert never to be heard from again. But wouldn’t it be awesome if it had?
Instead, some guy in a oversized jeep collects them, ties Arabian bandanas around their hairdos, and drives them into the desert for a while. He eventually stops and orders them out of the jeep for a hawk show. The hawk does tricks, the ladies take selfies. It’s far less interesting than it sounds.
They are then driven further out into the desert to a Bedouin camp for henna tattoos and belly dancers and dinner of lamb and camel stew and after-dinner hookahs and every single other Arabian cliché the tour programmers could think to throw into this tour package for the rich white ladies who want to live out Sex and the City 2 even though it very well might be among the ten worst movies ever made.
After shots of camel milk and dancing with the belly dancer who was clearly sent out there to try to tempt Kyle into doing the splits again and the dinner of lamb kebabs, Lisa Rinna decides she needs to bring up The Picture. AGAIN. Erika, whose makeup was done by a drunk raccoon, asks Rinna why she used the word “enraged,” does she like Yoyawnda? In response, Lisa Rinna puts on her best serious face and calls the question “interesting” without actually answering it.
Erika then asks Lisa Rinna how she feels about her, and Rinna is all, “Well, I like you more now than when I first met you,” before launching into a whole thing about being shocked by Erika’s video. Erika, understandably taken aback, points out that Lisa Rinna posed in Playboy, TWICE, and she’s going to judge Erika?
To be fair to Lisa Rinna, it is a pretty shockingly sexy video:
The tour guide then invites the women to smoke the hookah, an offer that Eileen, Kyle and Kathryn are all “YES PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW” about. However, Erika, Lisa Vanderpump and Lisa Rinna stay behind, where Lisa Rinna insists that she does want to move forward with Erika and become better friends. After this peace-making gesture, Erika joins the hookahers, leaving the Lisas alone together.
And that’s when Lisa Rinna decides to jump into the deep end. “Lisa, I’m going to ask you one question and then we’ll be done with it. At your house, when I mentioned the Munchausen and how badly I felt about it, you came out after and asked me why I didn’t bring Kyle up.”
So, this revelation in this scene is confusing because the Producers have given us very little information as to what Lisa Rinna is actually talking about and they choose not to clarify it for us until many scenes later which is Not Very Helpful. But from what we later learn, the day that Lisa Rinna came over to PINK HOUSE to discuss the fact that she discussed Yoyawnda’s illness and the word Munchausen’s came up, as she was leaving, Lisa Vanderpump walked her out and said SOMETHING to Lisa Rinna. According to Lisa Rinna, it was, “Why didn’t you bring Kyle up?” But according to Lisa Vanderpump it was Vandersomething along the lines of, “I thought you were going to bring Vanderall of us into it,” which is what she tells Lisa Rinna there in the desert.
In other words, in Lisa Rinna’s version of events, Lisa Vanderpump wanted Lisa Rinna to somehow implicate Kyle as being one the people who had been discussing Yoyawnda’s illness in one fashion or another; in Lisa Vanderpump’s version of events, she was worried that Lisa Rinna was going to drag them all under with her. Neither version, frankly, is particularly flattering to Lisa Vanderpump, but she’s got a Vanderstory and SHE’S VANDERSTICKING TO IT.
Lisa Rinna is Not Amused and calls Lisa Vanderpump a Vanderliar.
The next day, the ladies go to a souk for some shopping and to be attacked by market roaches. While Sex and the City 2 is mentioned about 15 times, fortunately no one has a Samantha Jones-esque meltdown and is deported or arrested.
Upon returning to the hotel, Erika, Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen disappear for naps, while Lisa Rinna, Kyle and Kathryn head to Nobu for lunch. There, Lisa Rinna reveals to Kyle that Lisa Vanderpump asked her why she didn’t bring Kyle up when she mentioned the whole Munchausen thing, and Kyle’s like, “Yep. I know.”
Kyle explains that when Lisa Vanderpump came back inside after walking Lisa Rinna out, Lisa Vanderpump told her what she had Vandersaid to Lisa Rinna about bringing Kyle up. In response, Kyle threatened that if Lisa Vanderpump took her down, Kyle would Vandertake her down with her, but they’ll still be besties right? BFFS 4EVA!
No, seriously, what? What was that, Kyle? Lisa Vanderpump comes to you, explains that she just tried to throw you DIRECTLY under the Vanderbus — JUST VANDERBECAUSE — and you’re just like “Oh well.”
I literally do not understand what is happening here.
And neither does Lisa Rinna who is all, “WHY AREN’T YOU MORE UPSET ABOUT THIS? Is it because your head is so far up her Vanderass that your brain is not getting enough oxygen?” But Kyle insists that she doesn’t want to destroy a friendship over something so Vandersmall.
Lisa Rinna stomps up to Eileen’s room and explains the entire mess, and Eileen is like, “I KNEW IT! I KNEW LISA VANDERPUMP WAS A VANDERLIAR, BUT EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE JERK! Oooooh, we are so going to get her and YOU BETTER NOT BACK DOWN ON ME, RINNA.”
Meanwhile, Erika and Kathryn are friends now, y’all, it’s all cool.
So, the ladies head out to dinner which has been set up for them outside of the hotel, and when Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump arrive, everyone is like, “Oh look at you, Kyle, you’re so pretty, Kyle, we love your dress, Kyle. Lisa Vanderpump. You are here, too.” And Lisa Vanderpump immediately picks up on it because she’s not a Vanderdummy.
To break the tension, Kyle reminds them that they are going to the mall the next day, and they are not allowed to:
2. give the finger
3. talk about sex
4. NO SERIOUSLY, DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX
5. dress inappropriately
I’m pretty sure she’s directing every single one of these to Erika Jayne.
Finally, Lisa Rinna is like, “Well, the salad course has finally arrived, it’s fight time. IT’S TIME FOR SOME TRUTH, LISA VANDERPUMP, AND I AM ABOUT TO VANDERDELIVER IT.” Lisa Rinna asks Lisa Vanderpump in front of God and everyone why Lisa Vanderpump asked her why she didn’t drag Kyle into the whole Munchausen mess. Lisa Vanderpump feverishly denies Rinna’s account, adding that she is in a good Vanderplace with Kyle, why would she do anything to Vandermess that up? Lisa Rinna, poor darling, must have misVanderunderstood her.
However, Kyle steps in and says that Lisa Vanderpump did come back inside and told her that she asked Lisa Rinna why she didn’t bring Kyle up in the conversation, and that at first, Kyle was like, “WHY WOULD YOU VANDERDO THAT TO ME?” But it’s fine now! It’s OK! Kyle is over it, so everyone else should be too!
Lisa Vanderpump, realizing that she’s been exposed — and by Kyle no less — begins to sputter that she Vanderdid no such thing, until she realizes it’s useless, and instead begins tearing up and begins looking for the Vanderexits. Kyle, meanwhile, also begins crying and talking about her bad relationships with her sisters and somehow letting Lisa Vanderpump brainwash her into thinking that it’s perfectly alright for her friend to throw her to the Vanderwolves is KIM’S FAULT, and anyway Kyle NEVER EVEN HEARD THE WORD “MUNCHAUSEN’S” UNTIL LISA RINNA READ IT FROM HER DICTIONARY APP SO LEAVE LISA VANDERPUMP ALONE.
And then Eileen over here, she decides that really, this is about her, and the fact that she never really received an apology from Lisa Vanderpump for what she did in the Hamptons.
The other ladies beg Lisa Vanderpump to JUST VANDERAPOLOGIZE ALREADY, but Eileen’s brushes this away, explaining that she just wants Lisa Vanderpump to Vanderacknowledge what she did — a thing that is VANDERNEVER GOING TO VANDERHAPPEN, EILEEN. LET IT VANDERGO.
Which is pretty much where we leave things: with Lisa Rinna and Eileen gunning for Lisa Vanderpump; Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump glaring at Lisa Rinna and Eileen; and Erika and Kathryn needing refills on their drinks.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.