‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: The end of days

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Objection, Your Honor”
March 8, 2016

We begin this episode with Erika explaining that she’s hosting a dinner party so all of the other ladies can meet her husband, Mr. Girardi. However, when Kyle drops out for Yom Kippur, and Eileen drops out because she’s fleeing a burning building for work, and Yoyawnda drops out because she just doesn’t want to go she’s not feeling well, “all the other ladies” ends up being Lisa Rinna, Lisa Vanderpump and Kathryn, 66.666% of whom Erika either has beef with or has beef with her. Fun!

Kathryn and Lisa Rinna in one of her 300 leopard print dresses arrive first to discover that Erika is ALSO wearing leopard print. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?? I mean, in Los Angeles, it’s pretty high, but that doesn’t keep Lisa Rinna from complaining that Erika and the other ladies are “encrouching” on her leopard print territory.

Lisa Vanderpump and Grandpa Ken arrive and Vanderpromptly announce that they have another engagement, darling, at 9, so do not expect them to Vanderstay. Erika is totally cool with that, believe.

Meanwhile, the caterers pass appetizers, because of course Erika has passed appetizers for her four guests, what is she, a savage? and Kathryn makes a crack about how Lisa Rinna doesn’t eat. Ha?

Over dinner, Mr. Girardi explains that he was inspired to become a lawyer by one Perry Mason, and Kathryn announces that she, too, could have been a lawyer. In fact, every time she takes one of those Facebook quizzes, they say she should have been a lawyer. She just loves to argue, and can convince people to change their own arguments. “Oh,” says the plaintiff’s attorney worth literally millions and millions and millions of dollars, “is that so. Tell me more.”

So, I’m not an attorney, but I am married to one, and I literally can not tell you how many times I’ve had people say this same nonsense to my husband or to me or to the both of us. “I could have been a lawyer, I’m good at arguing,” they proudly declare, not realizing that what it sounds like they are saying is, “Even though I know very little about what you actually do for a living, I am pretty sure I’d be good at it.” Now, no one says this to doctors, or accountants or bloggers (which is probably another way of saying no one wants to to be a blogger), but everyone is preeeeeeety sure they’d make a great attorney based on their gross overestimations of their debating skills and just how rational and logical they are. How hard could it be, right? I mean all you have to do is take the LSAT, be accepted into law school, complete three years of studies, pass your state’s bar exam — which in most states takes two days, but here in Texas is three — and then find a firm to hire you. Next thing you know: Partnersville! Easy peasy!

My point is, insulting the host is not a good way to start the evening, and it only goes downhill from there for Kathryn. She continues to make jokes at Lisa Rinna’s eating disorder’s expense, before loudly complaining again that Erika hasn’t opened up emotionally enough for her liking. At one point, Mr. Girardi tries to respond only to have Kathryn snap that she isn’t finished her argument yet. Kathryn then complains that she’s trying to be Erika’s friend, adding “like, tell me how to put on false lashes, I’m trying to talk your language…”

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After openly laughing in Kathryn’s face for being SO AMAZINGLY AWFUL, Erika explains to her guests that she’s not an ice princess, she’s just cautious. And then Lisa Vanderpump of all Vanderpeople tells Erika that she comes off as cold and controlling, before bringing up the whole “Vanderweb” situation again.

But instead of addressing Lisa’s Vadercomplaint, Erika turns to Kathryn, pointing out again that she made those statements to her about Lisa Vanderpump in confidence. When Kathryn tries to “clarify” what happened — because there’s a lot of nuance to, “I told Lisa Vanderpump everything you said about her at the first opportunity” — Erika rolls her eyes, only to have Kathryn scold her for doing so. Because when competing for the title of “Worst Dinner Guest Ever,” you should go all in.

Kathryn then announces that Erika is losing this argument, which is when Mr. Girardi asks if they fight like this all the time.

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Kathryn then admits that she told Lisa Vanderpump what Erika had to say as a means to get a reaction out of Erika. Erika points out that not only is this crazy, but the only person who Kathryn got a reaction from was Lisa Vanderpump. So how’d that master plan work out for you, Esquire? Erika points out that by repeating what she said, Kathryn hurt Lisa Vanderpump and any potential friendship she might have had with her, to which Kathryn moans that Erika needs to quit being so dramatic.

Mr. Girardi attempts to smooth over the situation by explaining that people take things the wrong way, before trying to sell Lisa Vanderpump that saying she is a Vanderweb-spinner could be a positive! It means she’s in charge! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

(It should also be noted that Mr. Girardi also snaps at both Lisa Vanderpump and Erika that HE’S TALKING when they attempt to interrupt him, but doesn’t say a thing to Grandpa Ken when he tells Mr. Girardi he’s acting like a judge when he’s “just a lawyer.” So that’s charming.)

Finally, while Erika and Kathryn bicker over how Kathryn said what Erika said about Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Vanderpump is like,“You know what? I’m done here. VANDEROUT.” At this, Mr. Girardi barks at Kathryn that she has to leave, too, (which in the previews came across as angry, but in the episode, Kathryn laughs it off, so it’s difficult to say whether Mr. Girardi was actually joking or if Kathryn Edwards just can’t read social cues) and the Girardis shove everyone out of their Pasadena palace, vowing to never have any of these awful people over to their house ever again.

The next day, Kathryn and her husband go shopping so that Donnie can strip down for the cameras and Kathryn can complain that the women think she should be “more feminine.” Actually, they think you should try working on your manners, stop being so shouty, maybe think about not insulting everyone to their faces and try keeping a secret or two, but sure, go with “needs to be more feminine,” even though exactly no one said that.

As for Erika, she and Kyle play “pickleball” which they keep pretending is a thing. It is not a thing. They then discuss possibly going to Dubai, which according to the previews we know they will do before this season is over, whenever that is. Erika then tells Kyle about the previous night’s nightmare of a dinner party, adding that Mr. Girardi is angry WITH ERIKA.

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According to Erika, she’s “not allowed” to behave that way in front of Mr. Girardi.

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And Kyle is like,

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I am right there with you, Kyle. I don’t get it either.

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna meets Eileen at the beach where they discuss their relationships with Lisa Vanderpump. Eileen gives Lisa Rinna guff for not agreeing with her at Yoyawnda’s dinner when Eileen said that Lisa could be Vandermanipulative, and Lisa Rinna is like, “You know what? You’re not wrong. Lisa is Vandermanipulative.”

And then Lisa Rinna opens the Seven Seals.

As Eileen watches in horror, Lisa Rinna begins explaining that she knows for a fact that Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle were discussing amongst themselves whether or not Yoyawnda is “faking it…”

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see. And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

…that Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump were sharing pictures of Yoyawnda and “giggling” about them.

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

In fact, Lisa Vanderpump knew Lisa Rinna had this conversation with someone about Yoyawnda and Munchausen’s …

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.

… and that Lisa was the one to Vandersuggest that Rinna bring it up (unspoken: on camera). Lisa Rinna takes responsibility for going through with it, but she insists she never would have if Lisa hadn’t Vanderencouraged her to do so.

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

Then, not content with having accused Lisa Vanderpump of really being behind the Munchausen revelation, and Kyle of having laughed at Yoyawnda’s illness, Lisa Rinna resumes her attack on Yoyawnda. With a tsk, Rinna pulls out her phone to show Eileen a picture on Instagram of Yoyawnda, Kim and Brandi having breakfast together on the same day that Yoyawnda cancelled on Erika’s dinner.

And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: 10 and they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? 11 And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.

When Eileen cringes and suggests that maybe Yoyawnda wore herself out by going out with Brandi and Kim, Rinna harumphs that everyone gives Yoyawnda a pass just because she’s “sick.”

 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; 13 and the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. 14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. 15 And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;16 and said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: 17 for the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

Why, Rinna’s never heard of someone taking to their bed for 10 months, and while she hopes Yoyawnda feels better, she is just wondering who the real manipulator is here.

And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets. And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, which came with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel’s hand. And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast it into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake. And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.

What I’m saying is that this isn’t going to be well-received by the other women.

But before Apollyon rides over the world with his armies of lion-headed scorpion beasts while men plead for the sweet mercy of death as the world burns, we have to go to Kathryn’s ear doctor appointment and watch her take a hearing test. The most interesting part of this entire scene would be this photograph of her doctor with what appears to be a wax dummy of Ronald Reagan:

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As for Yoyawnda, she’s recovered from her big breakfast with Kim and Brandi enough to host Kyle and talk over their lunch/email spat from the previous week. But first, Yoyawnda invites Kyle to join her in New York where the Global Lyme Alliance will present Yoyawnda with a “Yes, You Officially Have Lyme Disease” certificate or something.

Yoyawnda then explains that she wrote the email because she felt attacked by Kyle, and Kyle’s like, “yeah, I get that, but why’d you CC everyone?” Yoyawnda claims it was because they were all present for the fight, so she wanted to be sure to shame Kyle in front of all of them her side of the argument was heard by all of them. Kyle points out that Rinna wasn’t at the lunch but was included on the email, but Yoyawnda doesn’t have time for details, she just wants to get past this, and not focus on “a crazy woman calling [her] names in public.” And with that, this conversation is done forever, I’m sure of it.

Finally, the ladies are driven out to Watts for the first time in their lives, where they “help” on a Habitat for Humanity project. And by help, I mean, climb up onto the roof, panic and break off roof tiles, haphazardly paint the exterior for a few minutes, scream about spiders and bicker.

Habitat for Humanity: “Thanks?”

While they “paint,” Lisa Vanderpump jokes to Erika about avoiding her Vanderwebs, but Erika isn’t laughing and in fact makes herself out to be the victim here through some very limber maneuvering.

Later, Erika is complaining to Lisa Rinna and Eileen about Kathryn’s behavior at the dinner party, when Eileen, in her Eileenian way, suggests that instead of spewing all this at them, she talk to Kathryn directly.

When Eileen brings Kathryn over Erika rehashes the same points she made at dinner: her chances of being friends with Lisa Vanderpump are now ruined thanks to Kathryn; what Kathryn said was offensive; and this hurts their chances of being friends. Kathryn insists that she doesn’t want to be thought of as being untrustworthy and that everyone should know that if they tell her something is a secret, the last place anyone will hear it from is her mouth.

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When Eileen and Lisa Rinna back Erika up, Kathryn is forced to apologize and offers to give Erika a hug. And Erika accepts it, but not without noting that she will not be giving any third chances to Kathryn.

Meanwhile, hail and and fire, mixed with blood, are thrown to the earth burning up a third of the trees and grass and something resembling a mountain falls from the sky and lands in the ocean where it kills a third of the sea creatures and destroys a third of the ships at sea. Thanks, Lisa Rinna.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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