Bachelor in Paradise
August 23, 2015
[Symptoms: Dry eyes, tremors, gnawing irritation]
Welcome back to Bachelor in Crab (¡ambos tipos!) Paradise. We pick up moments after Unemployed defended Other Widow’s honor and chased Cleetus away from the manape enclosure with a threat to knock out what few hillbilly teeth he had left. But before we can move on, we must ONCE. AGAIN. rehash how we arrived at this place lest the viewers have in the last week been hit in the head with a hammer and forgotten all the complicated intricacies of the relationships at play.
Basically: Other Widow gave Cleetus her rose after Cleetus expressed interest in her by making small talk about her daughter. Then when Sam- “I See No Problem with Lace Pants” -antha arrived, Cleetus tossed Other Widow over the side because he had come to Casa de Soltero for LacePants in the first place. Also, too, LacePants might have told Cleetus to do whatever it took to stay in Casa de Soltero until she could arrive, so she’s entirely complicit, if not the actual mastermind of the whole scheme. That is, if anyone in Casa de Soltero can be referred to as a “master” or a “mind.”
After he’s sent Cleetus scurrying away, Unemployed asks Other Widow if she’d like his rose this week, since it seems unfair that she was so manipulated by a inbred redneck with anger issues. But she declines the offer, explaining that she’d rather “take a chance on love.” I don’t even know what she’s talking about. Unemployed is her only viable shot at a rose, and if there is no one else to offer her a rose, how is she going to have the opportunity to take any chances on love if she doesn’t accept an even insincere rose AND WHY AM I TRYING TO UNTANGLE BACHELOR “LOGIC” AGAIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. ~drink~
Meanwhile, Cleetus takes LacePants aside and explains that he’s coming off as a mustache-twirling jerk here, so could she please help him out and maybe be honest with people about her role in this entire mess? But LacePants rejects this idea because, and I quote, she’s, “SO NOT ABOUT DRAMA.”
Right, so, the next night is the Ceremonia de Rosas, and we are reminded that Other Widow’s only real shots at staying lie with Unemployed, whose rose offer she has already rejected, or with Dansome, who is actually kinda sorta into this Amber person. Basically she doesn’t stand a chance of sticking around.
Before the high-level rose negotiations (make-out sessions on beach beds) can commence, Cleetus announces to the group that he is going to come clean: before coming on the show, he and LacePants did communicate via Instagram, but it was just small talk and no big deal and could everyone just please chill already. Other Widow, however, is most decidedly not ready to chill, and begins cross-examining Cleetus on whether or not he deceived her so as to stay around long enough to meet LacePants. Cleetus mumbles something incoherently into his chest — which to be fair, is pretty much how he always communicates — but before anyone can decipher his series of grunts, LacePants begins yelling “WELL, I FEEL LIKE…”
Out of nowhere, Niña de Papá orders LacePants to shut it before scolding her for being so inconsiderate to Other Widow who was supposedly one of her best amigas. Bravo, Niña. Go out on a high note, Grandma. Tanner then begs Cleetus and LacePants to just be honest already and admit that they planned to come on the show to meet each other, but LacePantsonFire yammers about how she’d be perfectly happy to say that. If it were the truth. Which it isn’t.
None of the Rejects are having it. Tanner and Boobs McTrashShoes take Cleetus and PantsonFire aside to talk privately, and so that Tanner can remind them both that he saw Pants’ text to Cleetus, urging him to stay. But PantsonFire sticks to her guns and refuses to acknowledge what EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS. It’s almost impressive. Almost.
Meanwhile, Khaste Kardashian spends a little quality time with Cousin Max, sitting on a beach bed next to him in complete silence. Eventually, she passive aggressively forces him to kiss her, but he is totally not into it.
There is also a whole bunch of set up to create some tension about who Dansome and Unemployed might give their roses to — will it be Helmet Head and Amber? Will it be Other Widow and Bloomin’ Onion? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES! Except not, really, and it is super boring and there is no real suspense so we’re just going to skip over it lest the tremors get worse.
Somewhere along the line, Other Widow gets ideas. She heads off to the jungle and hunts down Chris Harrison to tell him that 1. she doesn’t want anyone’s pity rose, but 2. if she were to receive someone’s pity rose, she was hoping they might bring Family First back for her? Because they had chemistry “early on?” Which we MOST DEFINITELY did not see? In fact we were told that she had a thing for Jonathan? Whom she is not asking to bring back? But just take her word for it, Family First was her guy, bring him back? Please? Chris Harrison doesn’t make any promises and shoves her back into the ceremonia de rosas. And I’m not saying that whole thing was staged, except, whoops, yes I am. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
Let’s get started handing out rosas!
Cousin Merl offers Elevenly his rose.
Cousin Max offers Khaste Kardashian his rose.
Kirk offers Glitter his rose.
Tanner offers Boobs McTrashShoes his rose.
Unemployed offers … Bloomin’ Onion his rose?
Unemployed explains that he tried to give Other Widow his rose, but she wasn’t interested. And while Helmet Head was cool, or whatever, he thinks Bloomin’ Onion deserves to find love. But not with him, because that’s not what this is about!
Unemployed announces that he’s leaving Casa de Soltero and that this this is the hardest thing he’s ever done — even harder than his divorce, apparently. It seems Unemployed has been long suffering from a bout of amnesia, but the humid air of Mexico restored his memory and he now remembers that actually, he’s in love with someone back home. Before he loads himself into the GO HOME AHORA van, however, he delivers a long rambling speech about finding himself and standing up for what he believes in and being selfless and courageous and maybe broken? maybe he’s broken? but he’s also multi-dimensional. I don’t even know. I don’t even know!
But somehow, Unemployed manages to walk off the show having revealed that there is someone back home he was always interested in. And yet no one hates him; so well played, Unemployed. I guess.
Back to the ceremonia de rosa:
Cleetus offers LacePantsonFire his rose.
Dansome … wait, hold up, he needs a minute …
… and before he makes this Very Important Decision, Dansome consults with Glitter Girl: to whom should he give his rose, that Amber person or Other Widow? DECISIONS. Finally, Chris Harrison is like, “HEY, DUMMIES, THIS ISN’T SOPHIE’S CHOICE HERE. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.”
Dansome offers Amber his rose.
Which means we are saying adios to Helmet Head, which is really for the best, she was never going to survive all those crabs.
And adios to Niña de Papá for the tercera tiempo. AND STAY GONE, NIÑA. PLEASE. FOR YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM.
And adios to Other Widow. You’re a nice girl, but go home to your daughter already. She’s two. She needs you more than you need to hook-up on a reality television show.
Except, except… FIRST, SOMEONE REFILL MY GLASS.
Except when she heads out to the YOU GO HOME AHORA van, before she can climb in, Family First climbs out. And now somehow now they’re both back in Casa de Soltero? I don’t understand what is happening?
But they both come sauntering back into La Casa like they belong there, and Chris Harrison gives some half-explanation about how Other Widow came to him and asked him to bring Family First back to the show, and how “anything goes” in Paradise. And everyone just accepts this, no preguntas asked.
BUT I HAVE A FEW PREGUNTAS:
1. What, exactly, are the qualifications for being allowed to return after being consciously and deliberately eliminated? Do you have to be nice? Do you have to have been manipulated by a villainous hillbilly? Do you have to have a kid? Have been widowed? Have a steroid addiction? I just need some ground rules here.
2. How does the math work? Does Other Widow get to stick around because Unemployed removed himself from the competition? Or does Family First take the spot that Unemployed vacated? Or does some poor Reject who was scheduled to be brought in this week have his chance at Crab Paradise revoked? Somehow there are now too many people, no matter how you count them.
3. Wait, how did Family First get back to Casa de Soltero so quickly? It would be one thing if he had been eliminated the night before, but Other Widow sent him home 3 or 4 days earlier. So I assumed that he had already been sent back to Chicago, and wasn’t still hanging out with the crew at the hotel next door. Chris Harrison’s statement suggests that after Other Widow suggested that they bring Family First back, he called him and had him fly back down. But I couldn’t even find a non-stop flight between Chicago and Puerto Vallarta, and the one-stop flights take a good 8+ hours. (Yes, I ran searches on this. DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR HOW I SPEND MY TIME.) But on top of that 8+ hour series of flights, he had to receive Chris Harrison’s call, cancel his gym plans, pack his bags, and get to the airport before getting on that one-stop flight to Mexico. Which, depending on how long these ceremonias de rosas last, I suppose is possible … It’s unlikely, but it’s possible. Or do they imprison all the Rejects at the nearby resort until the filming is over? (NOTE TO SELF: Ask Wilford Brimley what the “You Go Home Now” procedures actually are — or feel free to let me know via Twitter, Brimley.)
4. Everyone is just cool with this?
Actually, the answer to number 4 is: “No, not everyone is cool with this, Cleetus in particular is VERY MUCH NOT COOL WITH THIS.” But too bad, Cleetus, you’re just going to have to settle into your role as The Bad Hick.
So even though it is roughly 7:30 in the A.M. so as to give Family First enough time to put on his favorite orange deep V-neck and fly back to Puerto Vallarta, there is a date card awaiting the Rejects when they make their way back to their bunks. It’s for Tanner, and it informs him that his flight leaves soon. He invites Boobs McTrashShoes, and the two are off on a flight to Guadalajara. NO SLEEP FOR THE
[Symptoms: Insomnia, blurred vision, back pain]
Being the mañana after the ceremonia de rosa, it’s time for our newest Reject to arrive, and we’re taking a deep dive into the Bachelorette vaults: it’s Nick from Dr. Tube Sock’s season. Nick did not make enough of a lasting impression on me to earn a nickname, but I did describe him as a “Matthew McConaughey wannabe,” so maybe if we’re lucky he’ll talk in philosophical nonsense the entire time he’s at Casa de Soltero, or maybe he’ll play the bongos naked. Who can say?
OR, OR! he’ll be the new supervillain of the show, seeing as he is the one who broke Bachelor Pad. So, for those of you who were not paying attention — and no one blames you for not paying attention, trust — on the finale of each season of Bachelor Pad, the two final contestants were forced to sit in separate rooms and decide independently whether or not they would share or keep the big cash prize that was the reward for sleeping in the body lice-filled beds at the Bachelor McMansion and play stupid dating games for a solid month. If they both chose “SHARE,” they split the money; if they both chose “KEEP,” all the other contestants split the money and they both go home empty-handed; but if one chose “SHARE” and the other chose “KEEP,” the sociopath who chose “KEEP” got everything. After two seasons in which the final contestants chose to share the prize, this Nick guy comes into the game, keeps a low profile and makes it all the way to the finale where he chooses “KEEP” and sends poor Rachel Trueheart home in hot angry tears and penniless. It was kind of amazing.
So, the world’s least likely supervillain, Nick, shows up and chirps at Chris Harrison that he’s interested in LacePants, because — WAIT FOR IT — they’ve been texting and chatting and he’s met her already.
Armed with the date card, Nick heads down to Casa de Soltero where he immediately invites LacePants to join him on his date, and she’s all PANIC PANIC PANIC. She takes him down to the beach to speak privately, and there she tells him that she’s super totally 100% interested in him. But when they return to the group, she declines his date offer because Cleetus very well might murder everyone if she accepts. He’d murder her, himself, the other Rejects, Chris Harrison, the sound guy, Jorge the bartender, and she knows it.
Nick retreats to consider his options and there he reveals to Family First that he’s been chatting with LacePants for months. Months! FOR MONTHS. Not only that, he “met” her when he went out to Los Angeles.
So Nick throws up his hands and invites the only woman available, Bloomin’ Onion, to join him and she accepts because she’s run out of conversation topics with the resident birds.
They head down to the shore for their boat ride to a “private island” only to have their ferryman explain — in English — that the trip has been canceled because Hurricane Carlos is moving in and the port is closed. “I don’t understand, my Spanish is not very good?” Nick says.
“So this Carlos is going to take us to the island?” these dummies ask.
So instead of going to a “private island” with Carlos, Nick and Bloomin’ Onion are taken to a resort where — certainly against the express wishes of the ABC lawyers — they are given an entire bottle of tequila and a couple of shot glasses. After downing too many tequila shots (and everyone over 30 knows that any number of tequila shots is too many tequila shots), the two go enjoy “special massages” that are intended to increase their relaxation and sensuality. Of course, considering how much tequila they’ve already had, neither of these things need to be increased.
And in fact, at some point the masseuses leave, and Bloomin’ Onion takes over massaging Nick who is wearing a scrap of spandex that I am supposing is a bathing suit? Are we calling this a bathing suit?
In any event, she is rubbing his parts, all the while having a conversation with either a nearby grackle. Or maybe with the demons that live inside her hair, it’s unclear.
THE POINT IS, what Bloomin’ Onion does not need at this point is 1. more tequila and/or 2. champagne. But that doesn’t stop them from hopping into the hot tub, popping open a bottle of bubbly while also guzzling the rest of the tequila in their attempt to be the first Bachelor contestants to drown on-camera. In an interview, Bloomin’ drunkenly babbles about how much chemistry she and Nick have and how he’s so much more of a man than Dansome and that what they have is bigger than Kirk and Glitter Girl, etc. etc. etc. Then she promptly goes back to the hot tub to tell Nick that she’ll always be a sister to him. But unless we’re talking about the Lannisters, such a comment is not going to be well-received by a potential romantic partner, and in fact, Nick makes her stop talking by encouraging her to do another shot, like she’s a professional blogger and can handle this much alcohol. Very good choices! A++ decision-making!
Meanwhile, on their date, Tanner and Boobs McTrashShoes drive to Tequila, Mexico — because yes, Virginia, there is a Tequila, Mexico — where they chop agave plants and drink approximately 30 times less tequila than Nick and Bloomin’ did just in the hot tub. After a long day of manual labor, they are given access to a fantasy suite. But before any of the sexy happens, Tanner makes a bunch of whiny noises about how he’s just not sure what is going to happen with them as soon as this show is over and whether or not she’s going to like him anymore. Boobs is like, “You know what, I hear you, but you need to just get over yourself already, make the sexytime with me and quit being a baby.” And so they do. They (presumably) make the sexytime.
The next morning at Casa de Soltero, while lounging on the beach with LacePants, Cleetus reveals that it is his birthday, and there’s no one he’d rather spend it with than his duplicitous and manipulative new girlfriend. LacePants, however, is like, “Great.” Sensing that something has changed with the “future mother [of his] children,” Cleetus so smothers her with his insecurity that she runs away to her dorm to take a shower and have five minutes to herself without someone asking her if there’s someone else she’d like to date. This doesn’t last long, however, as Cleetus barges in while she’s drying her hair to continue his barrage of neediness. She does not think this is cute, because it is not cute.
Meanwhile, Cousin Max has, yet again, decided that maybe he doesn’t like Khaste Kardashian as much as she likes him and that this might prove to be a problem for everyone.
So, he takes her out to the beach and tries his best to “it’s not you, it’s me” her, only to have her be like, “I’M SORRY, ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? IS THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? BECAUSE I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS NOT HAPPENING HERE.” Sensing that Khaste isn’t going to accept a simple, “Hey, you should explore your options,” Cousin Max claims that the real problem is that he’s still in love with Lenny Bruce. After all, that is a him problem — and therefore one that Khaste can’t argue with.
That big of nastiness taken care of, Cousin Max leaves Khaste alone to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry… and cry. And then, remarkably, improbably, someone gives Khaste a cell phone so that she can call Lenny Bruce and screamcry at her that she broke Cousin Max. Lenny Bruce is like, “1. WHO IS THIS? 2. I DID WHAT NOW? but 3. AND WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?” But that’s as far as we get with this conversation because it is both ridiculous and pointless. I literally do not understand why Khaste is even calling Lenny B. What, is Lenny Bruce supposed to get into the teleportation device that they used to bring Family First back to Mexico and tell Cousin Max to like Khaste? Because none of those things are going to happen.
Finally, Cleetus sets up a private birthday party for himself and LacePantsonFire, whom he explains if he were to marry her, she would be his “trophy wife,” “like an 8-point buck on the wall.”
And so Cleetus sets up some champagne and a little cake:
But when LacePantsonFire arrives, before they can even sing “Feliz Cumpleanños,” she’s burbling about emotions and drama and how Cleetus made her out to look like a villain and she just can’t trust him because all these people are saying bad things about him and in short, BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Happy birthday Joe! Hope you asked for being dumped like a chump, because that’s what you’re getting!
But the intrigue isn’t over just yet. As LacePants joins the rest of the Rejects to inform them that she’s dumped the hick, Cleetus complains to his one buddy left in the house, Cousin Merl, that LacePantsonFire is trying to make him out to be the one bad actor in this whole mess. However, the joke’s on her because he has the 700 text messages — including the one that instructed him to do anything he could to get the rose — that prove otherwise. And he’s ready to share.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Los santos and tequila preserve me.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.