The Bachelorette
May 19, 2014
Andi Dorfman — or as I found myself stuck calling her, “Abbie Carmichael, Esq.” for the very clever reason that Andi is a criminal prosecutor just like that lady on Law & Order was 13 years ago, which is definitely a reference the kidz today are going to get — is our new Bachelorette after removing herself from the competition for the affections of the now universally despised Juan Pablo. At the time, Andi explained to Juan Pablo that once the cameras were gone, she came to see that he was an imbecilic narcissist who was not actually putting himself at stake emotionally in the process. When Juan Pablo’s response was a blank smile and dead eyes and an assurance that “ees okay,” Andi yelled at him to STOP SAYING EES OKAY, before stomping onto the first plane back to Los Angeles and driving directly to Mike Fleiss‘ offices to sign the contract making her the next Bachelorette.
Now, I’m not here to suggest that Andi — one of your smarter contestants that I’ve seen since I’ve been blogging this series — surely knew long before the final two weeks of The Bachelor that Juan Pablo was a half-witted egotist with an unrepentant homophobic and misogynist streak and a nasty tendency to slut shame, but that she nevertheless chose to remain in the competition to see if she could get far enough along to become the next Bachelorette … but I’m not not suggesting that either. And I don’t blame her! Being a reality television star doted on by a brood of men seems like A LOT more fun than wandering around the streets of Atlanta in an oversized windbreaker, taking pictures of gang tags or locked in a closet, I mean “office,” drafting search warrant after search warrant AFTER SEARCH WARRANT.
And in closing:
But before we can get to the limos and the hot tubs and the helicopter dates and the crying, MY GOD, THE CRYING, Chris Harrison has some Very Important News to share with us, you guys. One of this season’s contestants, Eric Hill, passed away after concluding filming on The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison informs us that Eric was a super great guy, everyone loved him, he will be missed and also, too, this entire season will be dedicated to him. Which, really, is the ultimate tribute anyone of us could ever hope for one day.
That bit of sadness out of the way (for now), we are reintroduced to Andi, whom I shall not be referring to as Abbie Carmichael, Esq. anymore as that was a dumb nickname to begin with. As noted above, when Andi isn’t stringing along former sorta-pro soccer players, she keeps herself busy wearing the previously mentioned windbreakers, taking instagrams of gang tags and hanging out in courtrooms making Very Serious Faces at judges. She also has parents.
Andi arrives in Los Angeles to begin her “journey,” by participating in an 80s-style “trying-on clothes” montage; participating in a Maxim-lite photoshoot while standing in front of a fake law library shelf; and taking the obligatory out-on-the-beach-staring-contemplatively-at-the-surf-while-burbling-about-how-her-life-is-going-to-change-forever shot.
Andi finally arrives at the Bachelor pied-à-terre where she receives “emotional support” from her sister in the form of trying on sparkly gowns while her sister sits on the bed and cheers.
And then we are suddenly putting Andi in a limo and driving her to the Bachelor McMansion? WAIT. Wait! Where are my, “Hey, Pay Attention to These Guys Because They Are Either Going to Be in the Final Four or Eliminated Tonight After They Offer Andi a Giant Egg or to Date Rape Her” packages? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH MAN-APES TO CARE ABOUT ON THE FIRST NIGHT? This will not do. THIS WILL NOT DO. Just because one of the contestants tragically passed away and I am guessing was probably one of the guys in the packages DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO THROW OUT ALL OF THE PACKAGES. IT’S CALLED EDITING. LOOK INTO IT.
But whatever. After renaming all of January, “JUANUARY,” for crying out loud and broadcasting 4 hours of Bachelor-related nonsense EVERY WEEK FOR A MONTH, ABC has decided to shorten this premiere episode of The Bachelorette by 30 minutes for reasons, and I suppose something had to get cut. And what got cut were the goofy little packages about the contestants that I had no idea I loved so much until they were gone. Such is life.
(As it turns out, ABC made the video biographies available on their site. I can’t embed all of them here, because COME ON, but here’s a notable one. TRIGGER ALERT: It involves a furry.)
And now it’s gone. 🙁
Limo #1 arrives and spits out:
Marcus (25, a sports medicine manager, Dallas, TX): The only representative of Texas this season, Marcus is handsome in that perfectly unremarkable look-away-and-you’ve-forgotten-his-face kind of way.
Chris (32, farmer, Arlington, IA): Chris has a lot of teeth. So many teeth. Giant white teeth in a mailbox of a head and the shiny beaming smile of the blissfully dull.
JJ (30, a pantsapreneur, San Francisco, CA): First of all, there are no “pantsapreneurs” because a “pantsapreneur” is not a thing. Second of all, in case you did not watch the video embedded above, JJ here is the aforementioned furry (kinda, sorta, in the sense that while wearing a furry hat that has ears he rolls around in a pile of fabric, which most adult humans, much less adult humans in THEIR 30s WOULD NEVER ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE FILMED DOING). Third of all, JJ, despite being a preneur of pants, chooses to not wear any of his wacky pants (a glimpse of which you can see in his photo in the gallery below), but, rather, a nice suit and a bowtie which make him look like a handsome younger Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Marquel (26, a sponsorship salesman, Las Vegas, NV): He dresses like my husband, Mr. T. Andi and I both approve.
Tasos (30, a wedding event coordinator, Denver, CO): Our first gimmick of the night is courtesy of Franck (it’s pronounced “Frahhhhhhnk”) Eggelhoffer here, who brings a padlock, slaps it onto a piece of McMansion wrought iron frou-frouery, and then throws the key into the McMansion pond because someone thinks he’s Ben Wyatt up in here.
Limo #2 is pushed up the driveway as a part of our second gimmick of the evening.
Cody (28, personal trainer, Chicago, IL): is our limo pusher and the first oiled bo-hunk so far, which considering we’ve already met 5 bachelors is actually pretty remarkably low bo-hunk count for The Bachelorette. Cody, or CODY! as he shall now and always be known, is as popped on steroids and Red Bull as his unfortunate jacket collar.
Steven (30, snowboard product developer, Encinitas, CA): uses the word “stoked;” is a cliché.
Rudie (31, attorney, Long Beach, CA): wild-eyed, Mark-Ruffalo impersonator Rudie is an attorney just like Andi! And to prove it, he presents her with a handwritten “voluntary 4th waiver.” Oh, Rudie. You couldn’t even bother to type it?
Carl (30, firefighter, Fort Lauderdale, FL) CARL IS VERY NERVOUS HERE TAKE THIS GLOBE CARL IS A FIREFIGHTER CARL IS FROM FLORIDA OKAY GOODBYE.
Jason (35, urgent care physician, Sturgeon Bay, WI): The first thing Jason wants you to know about him is that he is a doctor, which is pretty much the only thing you need to know about him because if the first thing someone wants you to know about them is that they are a doctor or a lawyer (RUDIE, ARE YOU LISTENING?) or some other fancy professional, there really isn’t much more you need to know about them. That said, Jason here also thinks he’s Trouty Mouth from Glee.
Limo #3 drives up of its own power and deposits:
Nick V. (33, software sales executive, Chicago, IL): whom I am pretty sure is actually Wesley Snipes.
Dylan (26, accountant, Boston, MA): Dylan has personal space issues. Dylan also has hair issues that make him look like Gordon Gekko.
Patrick (29, advertising executive, Newport Beach, CA): Patrick gets out of the limo and immediately kicks a soccer ball at Andi’s face, giving her a severe case of PTSD. WAY TO GO, PATRICK.
Emil (33, helicopter pilot, Costa Mesa, CA): Emil explains that his name is pronounced like “anal” but with an M. I like the cut of your jib, Emil.
Brett (29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA): Brett here hands Andi a lamp from his hotel room with some dumb line about how his mother taught him to never greet a lady empty-handed. I’m fairly certain his mother never taught him to commit theft, however.
Limo #4 arrives and spews:
Craig (29, tax accountant, Denver, CO): Craig pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it all over the place, wasting a perfectly good bottle of sweet, sweet healing alcohol.
Ron (28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN): Ron explains that he has lived in Barbados and Israel and now Nashville which is interesting but also kinda confusing.
Bradley (32, an opera singer from Holland, MI): Oh, hey, it’s a socially awkward opera singer. This has never been done on this show before.
Josh (29, telecommunication marketer, Denver, CO): Having forgotten who this guy is, I just looked at his picture and have already forgotten what he looks like. And not in that handsome, blank way that I described Marcus as earlier. Just in a “you are completely forgettable” kind of way. Also, and I’m not trying to be a snob here, but isn’t “telecommunications marketer” just fancy words for “guy who calls you in the middle of dinner to try to convince you to refinance your mortgage?” Annnnd, I’ve already forgotten who I’m talking about here.
Nick S. (27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL): This guy arrives on a golf cart. He assumes that Andi will guess from this that he is a professional golfer. Instead, she guesses that he is a professional golf cart driver. Point: Andi.
Limo #5 pulls up and dumps out
Brian (27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA): Brian is a self-described hugger who needs to bring it down. Way down.
Andrew (30, social media marketer, Culver City, CA): Andrew here thinks Andrew and Andi have a “nice ring to it.”
Mike (29, a bartender from Alta, UT): Mike would like to play pretend, and in this pretend, he and Andi are meeting in a “natural setting,” and in this natural setting, the best Mike can do is hand her a slip of paper with his number on it. Quite the imagination you’ve got there, Mike.
Eric (31, explorer, Citrus Heights, CA): This is going to be a REALLY HARD SEASON you guys. I want to be respectful to the dead but at the same time, I need to point out that “explorer” is not an occupation unless you are a Spanish sea captain from the 16th century or an astronaut, and I’m pretty sure Eric here is neither of these things. Eric presents Andi with some Peruvian dolls that supposedly a small girl instructed him to give to his girlfriend. A REALLY HARD SEASON UNTIL HE GETS ELIMINATED. Also, apparently by virtue of dying tragically, Eric gets his own sad, tinkly theme music. SUCH A HARD SEASON.
Josh M. (29, former professional baseball player, Atlanta, GA): Handsome and already lives in Atlanta? Shut it down, boys, we’ve got our winner. Can we go home now, please?
NOPE. We are apparently going to go through all most of the motions, and as such, Andi heads into the cocktail party to get to know this collection of — AND THIS PAINS ME TO ADMIT — nice enough and intelligent enough and not (entirely) ‘roided out men. I do not want to give The Producers credit, ever, for anything, but do most of these guys seem alright to you? For the most part? I mean, they seem a little boring and bland, maybe, but there aren’t any obvious bad guys or complete doofuses, either? (Except for maybe CODY!) WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME? I need to go lie down.
Winner Josh M. is the first guy to take Andi aside, and she explains that he is exactly her type. GREAT, LET’S GO HOME THEN. But Andi then argues with herself that so far dating her “type” has led her to a place in her life where she is so desperate as to put her romantic life in the hands of reality television producers, so maybe going with the obvious choice isn’t such a great idea. Winner Josh M. promises that he will do “crazy” things with her, and she challenges him by asking if he’s crazy enough to eat sushi. And he is! HE IS JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO EAT SUSHI, FOR HER. THAT’S HOW CRAZY HE IS. Which, let’s be honest, is really crazy. The craziest.
My dapper friend Marquel takes Andi aside and offers her a plate of cookies. YAAAASSSSSSS. PICK HIM.
And then Eric’s Theme is cued up and she talks to Eric about all the sky-diving and base jumping he does and the whole thing makes me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
Chris Harrison then delivers the first impression rose, because as noted this is the condensed version of The Bachelorette. Everyone freaks out.
There’s a montage of Andi talking to the men, including Bill the Pants Guy, and then we sit in on her conversation with the fauxhawked Franck Eggelhoffer who tells her in French, “I would like juice with ice cubes please.” Andi finds “something” about him intriguing. Yeah, I don’t know what that “something” is either, Andi.
Andi also visits with Nick V., our Wesley Snipes look-alike, who tells her about his 18 other siblings because he is a Duggar, apparently.*
While Andi visits with the men, a connection is being forged between two of the bachelors, Patrick and Andrew, over their mutual love for formula one racing cars and how they are of a “higher caliber” than the other men. D-Bag Twin Powers activate! Form of: An insufferable ego and a bewildering sense of entitlement!
Meanwhile at craft services, there is something of a security alert as Chris Bukowski, a.k.a., Smug, a.k.a. PSYCHOTIC BREAK, from St. Emily’s season, has decided he wants to be relevant have a shot at dating Andi. And so, the security guards confiscate his bouquet of flowers and stare at him incredulously until Chris Harrison arrives to hear Crazy out. Crazy explains that he just wants a chance, so Chris Harrison heads back to the McMansion, takes Andi aside and explains the situation. Andi thinks about it for all of two seconds before being all, “NOPE,” and heading back to the passel of men waiting for her that have not (yet) demonstrated that they are raging lunatics on national television.
Chris Harrison returns to Crazy and sends him packing … straight to TMZ, apparently, where Crazy claimed the entire thing was set up by The Producers. Not that he didn’t want to be on the show — he did! –but he didn’t apply on time, and so it was their suggestion that he stalk the set. I believe him and yet I am still creeped out by him. Goodbye, Crazy! Never come back, Crazy!
Back at the party, Andi chats with Farmer Teeth who tells a not boring at all story about farming corn and soybeans (and being a part of the on-going destruction of small farms, so way to go, dude). She also chats with Marcus the Texan who is actually Polish.
Andi finally gives the First Impression Rose to Wesley Snipes before immediately heading back to the Glamour Shots Alcove of Contemplation to make her elimination choices. And I understand that because the episode is 25% shorter this week they had to make some interesting editing decisions, but doesn’t giving the First Impression Rose moments before handing out all the other roses defeat the entire purpose of the First Impression Rose IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Whatever. Harrison, round up the men and fetch the roses.
Rose #1: Bill the Pants Guy
Rose #2: Eric, R.I.P.
Rose #3: Cookie Monster
Rose #4: Someone named Craig
Rose #5: Franck Eggelhoffer
Rose #6: Winner Josh M.
Rose #7: Someone named Brian
Rose #8: The Lamp Thief
Rose #9: Marcus the Polish Texan
Rose #10: D-Bag Twin #1, Andrew
Rose #11: Someone named Ron
Rose #12: Someone named Carl
Rose #13: Farmer Teeth
Rose #14: Gordon Gekko
Rose #15: Bradley the Awkward Opera Singer
Rose #16: D-Bag Twin #2, Patrick
Rose #17: CODY!
Rose #18: Arnold Palmer
Which means: Goodbye, everyone with hair that touches their collars, including you, “Stoked” and you Dr. Trouty Mouth and you Mike the most unoriginal guy in the history of ever. All of you hippies, GET OUT. Also, too, goodbye, Anal, even though I liked your self-deprecating sense of humor. Goodbye, Mark Ruffalo, Esq. Think harder about your choice of ties next time. And goodbye, Josh B? Was there a Josh B? You are not ringing any bells, Josh B. I am looking at your face as you rant about what an embarrassing waste of time this whole thing has been, and how hard it is to hear the remaining men cheering their good luck inside and you are clearly trying not to be that guy who cries upon going home on the first night but it is REALLY HARD TO NOT CRY, isn’t it? and I still have no idea who you are. Did we see you get out of a limo or did you wait until Crazy distracted security and slip into the compound? Because I got nothing.
In any event:
*WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR A DUGGAR TO THE THE BACHELOR. MAKE IT HAPPEN, TV GODS.
I just wanted to add a note of apology for how late this entry is: I had a long, hard day yesterday because I am a real person and real things happen to me and the time slipped away. You can plan on these entries being up by mid-day on Tuesdays from here on out.** Pinkie swear.
**(Unless they’re not.)
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.