‘The Walking Dead’: A farewell to arms

The Walking Dead
“I Ain’t a Judas”
February 24, 2013

We’re just going to gloss over how Rick and Daryl and Merle made their way through a yard full of ice cream truck walkers and into the safety of the prison, The Walking Dead? That’s how you’re going to play it? In an episode wherein “Andrea holds the baby” is one of maybe three things that actually happen, you’re going to choose to not give us an exciting rescue scene? “Don’t worry about it,” says you. “They got back to the prison, it’s cool. Now how about some more scenes where people yell at each other about whether or not they should stay put or find a new place to cower from walkers and argue? You liked it so much in the first half of Season 2, we figured we’d give you some more,” says you.

So we just gloss over how Rick and Daryl and Merle made their way through a yard full of ice cream truck walkers and into the safety of the prison, and get to what we’re all here for: yet another argument about whether they should stay or they should go. Hershel is Team Leave, Rick and Glenn are Team Stay, Merle is Team What’s the Point, The Governor is Going to Kill Us With All of His Guns and Ice Cream Walkers, All We Are Is Dust in the Wind.

Rick tries to wander off to another part of the prison to do some stuff and things, only to have Hershel order him to GET BACK HERE. Hershel reminds Rick that he declared this a Ricktocracy, so he better Ricktate already.

So Rick goes outside to do stuff, things, which is where Carl finds him and tells his father that he would feel a lot better if he took a shower, ran a comb through his hair and had a nap. TRUTH. SPEAK THE WORD, CARL.

Meanwhile, at Woodbury, The Governor has Poindexter draw up a list of the citizens whom they can draft into their army, including all adults, even those with chronic conditions and all children over 13 years of age. Andrea interrupts this conversation to demand answers from The Governor about the raid on the prison that he promised he wasn’t going to make. “They shot first?” he tries, before refusing her request to go visit her old friends. Nope! You stay here, be quiet!

Outside, some lady tells Andrea that The Governor wants to enlist her asthmatic 14-year-old son, and Andrea is all, wuuuuuuuh? because she is dumb and The Worst.


Andrea tries to convince The Governor to excuse the asthmatic 14-year-old from service but he’s all, LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU, and gives the kid a gun.

Back at the prison, Rick tries to prepare everyone for the coming attack, and Glenn has a pout about Merle being invited back into the fold, which, fair enough. Glenn makes a case for using Merle as a bargaining chip with The Governor — which, not a bad idea! — but Hershel argues that they could use Merle’s military experience, and also he has to stick around long enough to die a hero’s death, so there’s that.

Hershel and Merle bond over their missing limbs and the Bible and missing limbs in the Bible (“29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” –Matthew 5:29-30), and then Merle explains that The Governor is going to come kill everyone in the prison and make Rick watch because he is an evil psychopath with bloodlust. Fun!

Carol and Daryl have a moment. Shippers, resume shipping.

Merle tries to make nice with Michonne. Michonne is having none of it.


Back at Woodbury, Andrea tries to convince Poindexter to help her escape so that she can go talk some sense into Rick. Yeah, no, says Poindexter. Not interested, thanks.

The Governor shows us his gross bloodied eyehole — NO THANK YOU, GOVERNOR — before slapping a patch on it, just as Poindexter enters to tattle on Andrea. Change in plans! Poindexter is to escort Andrea back to the prison, the Governor instructs. Skeptical Poindexter is skeptical.

So Poindexter and Andrea go out to the woods, capture themselves a walker, whose arms they rather inefficiently cut off with a hatchet. Andrea then fetches a rock, places the walker’s open mouth atop it, and proceeds to American History X it. Fortunately, I was able to guess what was coming, and muted the television in time. Yikes, Show!

Just as they are about to finish up their new pet, another walker stumbles out of the woods at them, and is promptly killed by that nice man who Rick kicked out of the prison during his spell of the crazies, Tyreese, I think his name is. We’ll go with Tyreese. Poindexter explains that they use the defanged/declawed walkers to keep other walkers away, and then offers to bring Tyreese and his group back to Woodbury, because, sure, why not. And with that Andrea and her little buddy head to the prison on their own.

Carl and Maggie are the first to spot Andrea make her way through the ice cream walkers with her escort, and they call to Rick, et al, who are none too happy to see her. Once they establish that aside from her new BFF she is alone, they bring her inside the gates, enthusiastically frisk her, and bring her into the prison.

Andrea is met with glares and suspicion, and comes to realize that this dingy, undersupplied prison is where they live, and she’s like, EWWWW, where are the flowers? where are the hamburgers? where are your tanks full of heads? can I see your bedrooms? Rick forbids it, and then explains that her boyfriend was responsible for the ice cream truck out in their front yard. “He said you shot first?” Andrea tries and everyone is like, GURL, PLEASE. Andrea realizes this is as ridiculous as it sounds, and offers that she came as soon as she could, only to realize that Michonne might have said otherwise. So she turns her attention to Merle — “What about that guy? He’s a terrible guy!” — before getting to her actual point: Rick needs to work something out with The Governor. In fact, Team Prison could just move to Woodbury and everyone can be friends and braid each other’s hair and have gladiator fights! Yeah, no. I don’t think so, responds Rick. Andrea notes that The Governor is gearing up for war and painting them as a bunch of jihadists, and he has the whole town ready to slaughter them. Rick suggests that if that’s the case, she should help them infiltrate Woodbury. Yeah, no. I don’t think so, responds Andrea.

Andrea goes outside where Michonne assures Andrea that she didn’t poison anyone against her, she just told Team Prison the truth: that Andrea found herself a new boyfriend and didn’t want to be in their club anymore. Andrea whines that the people in Woodbury, they need her! Michonne notes that Andrea’s stigmata is showing, before reminding Andrea that The Governor sent Merle to kill her, and that Andrea chose a boy over her friend. And that’s why Michonne went back to Woodbury: to expose The Governor and hurt Andrea. SO THERE.

Andrea then meets The Baby as Carol fills her in on everything that has happened since T-Dog left Andrea behind in the woods: Shane = dead; Lori = dead; T-Dog = dead. When Andrea learns the particulars of Shane’s death, she decides that Rick is losing it, but Carol’s like BACK OFF. HE HAD REASONS. STUFF AND THINGS. Carol then suggests that Andrea go back to Woodbury, sex The Governor to sleepytimes and then stab him in the face; a plan that Carol clearly fantasized carrying out on Ed plenty of times. Cool plan, Andrea doesn’t say.

So, Team Prison gives Andrea a car? They give her a car, and she drives back to Woodbury to go sex The Governor and then stab him in the face. And they go back inside the prison and stand around while Sister starts a Tom Waits sing-along. Rick announces to Hershel and Daryl that he’s going to take Michonne and Carl on a supply run the next day, because, sure, taking a 13-year-old out into a zombie-filled wilderness to collect guns sounds like a solid plan with zero potential problems. Good idea.

Meanwhile, back in Woodbury, The Governor meets Tyreese and his people: “Well hello there! I thought I heard new voices! Welcome to Sunnyside Woodbury, folks! I’m The Governor! But, please, call me The Governor! Well, you’re safe now. We’re all castoffs here — we’ve been dumped, donated, yard-saled, second-handed and just plain thrown out. But just you wait — you’ll find being donated was the best thing that ever happened to ya!” When The Governor learns that Team Tyreese spent a little time in the prison and are willing to share what they know about the layout, or, you know, maybe go on a raid and shoot some little kids in exchange for a place to stay, The Governor is pleased, very pleased.

And so Andrea returns to Woodbury and tells The Governor that she chose to come back to him and she would like to get it on now, please.


So they have the sexytimes, and when he goes unconscious from making the sex, Andrea gets out of bed, takes what appears to be a shucking knife and stands over The Governor, and thinks hard about shucking his other eyeball. In the end, however, she can’t bring herself to do it because plot she is weak and makes bad decisions and is so dumb really dumb for real who’s she kidding, that shucking knife will only irritate him at best. So instead she looks out the window and considers if she is The Worst or if she is The Very Worst.

The Walking Dead airs Sunday nights at 8 p.m. on AMC.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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