What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why on earth am I taking on one of television’s most popular shows with a rabid fan base who will tear me limb from limb and then eat me if I get any minor detail wrong? Especially since I don’t even know some of the characters’ names? (What is Hershel’s younger daughter’s name? I AM ASKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA AND I AM TOO LAZY TO WIKIPEDIA IT AND ALSO I DON’T REALLY CARE.)
A little history: Tubular has been blogging The Walking Dead since it began. Chron.com’s tech king, Dwight Silverman, tackled the series when it began, only to determine that TV blogging in a timely manner is not much fun. He was eaten by walkers.
Pamela Mitchell, Tubular’s creator, took over the second season only to remember that TV blogging in a timely fashion is not much fun. She was eaten by walkers.
Then the third season of The Walking Dead had to go and be awwwwwesome. So good, in fact, I went and named it the best series of 2012 even though, HAHAHA, no one here at Tubular was blogging it. Good joke, Therese! Funny!
So, even though the majority of the shows I blog involve narcissistic sociopaths who believe “I can’t control my eyebrows!” is an acceptable response when criticized for their narcissistic sociopathic behavior, or people whose biggest problem in life is that their puppy hit their nose job, I’m going to tackle The Walking Dead, a show that I love, but that is very different from the rest of the nonsense that I currently blog.
I expect to be eaten by walkers at any moment.
Some ground rules:
- I am going to do my best to post these entries ASAP. That said, I make no guarantees that these entries will go up ASAP. You can yell at me for not doing these entries ASAP, but I will not care. For instance, my watching Downton Abbey‘s season finale tonight takes precedence over my watching The Walking Dead which means there is no way the entry for tonight’s episode will get done until tomorrow, if then. Sorry. Dowager Countess > The Governor.
- No matter how good it might be, this show as far as I am concerned is no Lost. Do not expect me to treat it like another Lost. Yes, I suppose as with any zombie/post-apocalyptic story, there is some sort of subtext about the state of our society, some anxiety about the collapse of our financial system or political structure or the culture in general, blah blah blah. The bottom line is if I feel like talking about symbolism and monomyth and all that hoo-ha, I will, but I highly doubt this show is really going to call for it.
- I haven’t read the comic books graphic novels. Nor am I going to apologize for not having read the graphic novels.
- I love gifs. Be prepared for gifs. They may be bloody.
Alright. Load the crossbow and let’s do this thing.
So, briefest of recaps of the first part of the season: Rick and his group, such that it is, move into a prison where they first have to kill off some, but not all, of the few surviving prisoners because prisoners don’t actually make for the best roommates. In the process of clearing their new home of walkers and annoying former residents, Hershel gets his leg bitten by a walker, and Rick is forced to amputate it, YIKES. At some point, a walker outbreak occurs, as they do, and T-Dog sacrifices himself to save that little mouse, Carol, which is unfortunate. R.I.P. T-DOG.
Later, Rick goes out for one reason or another, I can’t remember why exactly, but the point is, he leaves and Lori goes into labor because of course she does and Maggie has to perform a C-section on Lori because of course she does, and the C-section, it’s going to kill Lori because of course it will, so Carl who for some unfathomable reason is in the room watching his mother give birth shoots his mother in the head to prevent her from becoming a walker. BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES. And that’s how the audience’s least favorite character finally gets her comeuppance for being unfaithful to a man whom she thought he was dead. Are you happy now, Audience? WELL, ARE YOU?
Meanwhile, Andrea was saved by this badass woman named Michonne who goes around with a couple of de-armed walkers and a few samurai swords and the two become besties. (Kinda.) They are found by a charming gentleman who calls himself “The Governor,” and his minions who take the two to their town of Woodbury, which is like a little Mayberry, if Mayberry were surrounded with gun towers made of tires from which people shoot the undead. Michonne is all, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” to which maybe Andrea should listened, especially after it’s revealed that Merle is one of The Governor’s minions. Instead, Andrea gets it on with The Governor. Afterwards, The Governor shows Andrea Woodbury’s form of entertainment: a gladiator-style battle between two men and a handful of captured walkers. Oh, and did I mention that The Governor not only has a collection of walker heads that he keeps in tanks for some reason, but he also has this little weasley scientist guy performing experiments on people to see if they can change back from walkers? Because he does. Because The Governor has a secret walker daughter tied up in a closet whom he wants to revert back to normal.
Anyway, Michonne finally has enough, and leaves, only to be hunted down by Merle. However, Merle doesn’t capture her, but instead finds Glenn and Maggie and takes them prisoner after they leave the prison on a formula run for the baby. Michonne somehow? knows to go to the prison? and tells Rick, et al, about Woodbury and how they have Glenn and Maggie. So a group led by Rick and Michonne go out to save Glenn and Maggie. Fight fight struggle fight. Michonne manages to kill Walker Daughter, poke out The Governor’s eyeball, YIKES, and they rescue Glenn and Maggie, hooray! but Daryl is caught, boo. The Governor decides that since Daryl and Merle are brothers, Merle is obviously a traitor and they are forced to fight one another in Woodbury’s Walker UFC.
MEANWHILE, Rick is losing his mind on account of Lori’s death, which he just needs to get over already, the rest of us have. And some people show up at the prison who seem to be nice enough, but who knows, right? Who can you really trust these days? (You can probably trust these people, they’re probably fine except for that one squirrelly fella.)
Which brings us up to last week’s episode:
February 10, 2013
Again, I’m going to try to be brief here, because, honestly, what’s the point of getting into a whole tl;dr thing for an episode that aired a week ago, right? (Tell that to my Fringe-recapping self.)
So Daryl and Merle are forced to fight one another, and at first Merle’s like IMMA GONNA KILL YOU, but it’s all part of a big escape plan and the next thing you know Rick and Maggie who have snuck back in somehow, they are snipering everyone. (That’s a verb, shut up.) Long story short, both Daryl and Merle are rescued from Woodbury which makes Glenn and Michonne RILLY RILLY ANGRY. But when Rick tells Merle that he’s not welcome at the prison, Daryl and Merle head off into the woods together, KBAI.
Rick tries to question Michonne, but she’s had perfectly enough of bossy white men giving her a hard time and refuses to talk. FINE, says Rick, BUT THE MINUTE YOUR INJURIES HEAL, YOU ARE NO LONGER PART OF OUR SUPER COOL CLUB. Which seems unreasonable since she just showed up on their doorstep with a bag of formula for the baby and helped lead them to their friends whom they didn’t even know were missing in the first place and then helped them rescue said friends, but whatever, Rick’s going a little nutso, so. And so they head back to the prison where Rick has to tell Carol that Daryl isn’t coming back; literally bros before hos and all that. Carol has a sad.
While Rick gets all moody holding his baby daughter, Hershel patches up Glenn’s injuries, notices that there is some tension between Glenn and Maggie (Because Glenn was mad at Rick for letting Daryl leave with Merle? I don’t know, either.) and Hershel says that Glenn is like his son which means that one of these two is DEFINITELY dead this season. Also, aww.
And then Rick meets the newcomers and is really rude to them, especially and particularly after Rick sees some lady in a white dress, presumably Lori’s ghost, up in the upper levels of the prison judging him.
Rick proceeds to have a freak out and begins waving a gun around screaming at Dead Lori/Newcomers to GET OUT, and Newcomers are like, FINE, CHILL.
Back at Woodbury, a few walkers make their way inside the tire walls during Merle and Daryl’s escape and there is general chaos and running around screaming and whathaveyou and The Governor, he is not amused. One of the residents is bitten by an errant walker, but Andrea doesn’t have the heart to shoot him in the head, and instead just stands over him screaming at no one in particular, “HELP HIM!” And so The Governor emerges, shoots the dude in the face, and retreats back into his Walker Daughter-less apartment to get his pout on. The residents go bananas. So Andrea goes to talk to The Governor and is all, “Hey, maybe you should, you know, lead or something?” But The Governor, he is not interested. So Andrea heads out to the crowd and gives a rousing speech about how they have to live together or die alone or maybe it was something about rebuilding, who cares, the important part is that everyone is like, “Hooray!” and The Governor watches unhappily. “At least I still have you, pickled disembodied heads,” he doesn’t say.
ALRIGHT. As soon as Downton Abbey is done for the season, I’m all yours, The Walking Dead. I AM ALL YOURS.
The Walking Dead airs Sundays at 8 p.m. on AMC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.