‘American Horror Story: Asylum’: Lipstick on a ham

American Horror Story
October 31, 2012

Happy Halloweek! Yes, Halloween and this episode were well over a week ago, I KNOW. Um, Sandy? Hurricane Sandy is why I am late with this entry. (No, it is not.) IN ANY EVENT, I am very late with the entry for this very over-acted, very ridiculous episode, and I am terribly sorry. I am going to try to catch up, but that means I have to cut a bunch of my usual commentary and symbolism nonsense and just get to the scenery-chewing already. Mmm…tastes like ham.


Well, Mrs. Adam Levine, I don’t know what to tell you. Not only did Adam Levine lose one heavily tattooed arm, but then Bloody Face came and poked a bunch of holes in his chest, and you’re trapped in this solitary confinement cell, and I just don’t know how you’re going to get out and past Bloody Face who is now banging on the door. Honestly, it doesn’t look good. Especially now that Bloody Face has busted his way inside the cell. Except! Somehow! Despite what must have been a MASSIVE amount of blood loss, Adam Levine isn’t dead yet. Not only is he not dead yet, but he has enough fight in him to stab Bloody Face repeatedly with a lobotomy hammer. Using his one arm. Hooray for you, Mr. and Mrs. Adam Levine! It’s all rather improbable, but it looks like you kids might just live after all! So call 911 and get out of that decrepit mental institution and maybe in the future cool it with the trespassing. EXCEPT, uh oh, here’s another Bloody Face and yet another Bloody Face and they appear to have guns and they just shot you to death for no apparent reason, oh well.

Except that the two new Bloody Faces aren’t actually bloody faces at all, but rather two punk kids. What on earth are you doing here, Two Punk Kids? And why do you have guns? And why are you shooting Mr. and Mrs. Adam Levines? Oh, Punk Kid Number One, you think this has gone “too far?” Do you? Because your friend, Punk Kid Number Two, he seems pretty impressed with himself for having killed a couple of newlyweds. Of course, it’s a moot point now because here comes the real Bloody Face and he’s going to rip your heads completely off of your bodies, probably, so.


Sister Lucy Fur delivers the mail and a weather forecast to Sister Jude: “There’s a storm coming, a big fat storm.” (How timely! How metaphorical!) Along with the exposition, Sister Lucy Fur also delivers a newspaper from 1949 (June 28th, 1949, in fact, which is important because it’s my birthday, or it will be in (mumble mumble) years in the future. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE.), with a prominent headline about a missing girl — the girl Sister Jude used as a speed bump all those many years ago. Predictably, Sister Jude FREAKS OUT, and demands to know where the paper came from and Sister Lucy Fur is all, SHRUG, the mailbox or maybe some weird demonic time portal even though that’s not even a thing, KBAI.

Down in his office, Dr. Hoggett plays with the little metal bit he removed from Kit’s neck, which upon being taken apart, reassembles itself. “Huh,” says Dr. Hoggett.

In an attempt to distract herself from the guilts, Sister Jude kneads dough down in the bakery, where Dr. Sylar finds her and scolds her, again, for using corporal punishments instead of Skinner-esque positive reinforcement with the patients. Sister Jude snaps back that Dr. Sylar should be pleased to hear that, in fact, she does harbor some compassion, and will be holding a movie night for the patients, screening The Sign of the Cross so as to keep the inmates calm during the big storm. SO THERE. Dr. Sylar asks for the official autopsy report on Exorcism Boy, and Sister Jude makes some noises about trying to find it for him in a way that lets us all know that she most certainly will not try to find it for him. Dr. Sylar supposes that the cause of death will be listed as “natural causes” and Sister Jude sneers about it being decidedly unnatural for 17-year-old boys to die of heart attacks. And though that is one of the more reasonable things Sister Jude has actually said all season, Dr. Sylar diagnoses her as being suspicious, delusional and protecting her own guilty conscience. For some reason. Sister Jude takes this to mean that Dr. Sylar is the one who planted the newspaper, because of course she does, but Dr. Sylar is all, “Do what with the newswhatsit now?” So Sister Jude yells at him that he has two weeks notice to get out of her institution, which seems like a lot longer than he actually needs to be able to determine whether or not Kit is actually insane, and it’s not entirely clear why he needs an office there at Briarcliff to do it in the first place BUT OK SURE. TWO WEEKS NOTICE.

Sister Lucy Fur sassily walks into the common room and sassily announces to the patients that to distract everyone from the big storm headed their direction, they are going to watch a movie about fire and sex and Christians dying. As Sister Lucy Fur nears her, one of the patients crosses herself and implores Satan to stay away, so Sister Lucy Fur hisses at her. Sassily.

Elsewhere in the common room, Kit and Grace discuss their escape chances during the storm, as there won’t be a lockdown. For some reason. Grace thinks eez too soon, Kit thinks that’s exactly why they should try, because no one will expect it so soon after the last attempt. And then an orderly announces that Dr. Hoggett requests an audience with Kit to do a little more neck slicing.

In his office, Dr. Hoggett shows Kit the thing he took out of Kit’s neck, which Kit insists he does not recognize, but based on the way the thing is hopping and scurrying and desperately trying to get back into Kit, it appears to recognize him. Dr. Hoggett wonders who it is that Kit is working for, because clearly he has been sent here to infiltrate Dr. Hoggett’s lab. So who is it? KGB? The U.S. Government? The Jews? FEMA? Reptilians? Kit, of course, has no idea what Dr. Hoggett is crazy rambling about, maybe the good doctor should go back to perfecting his tinfoil beanie and not be cutting into Kit’s neck again, but, ha ha, nope. Here comes the scalpel!

Sister Jude receives a surveillance report on Dr. Sylar from head security guard Ed Mars: Dr. Sylar had lunch. Sister Lucy Fur interrupts this meeting with Very Important Wine News: SOMEONE HAS BEEN DRINKING THE WINE! AND THEN WATERING IT DOWN! Sister Jude should take a sip and see for herself! But Sister Lucy Fur catches herself … oh, that’s right, Sister Jude hasn’t had a drink since 1949 … tell you what, Sister Lucy Fur will taste it for her. And she does, which draws Sister Jude’s attention to the fact that Sister Lucy Fur seems to be wearing bright red lipstick, which NOPE. NOT OK. Sister Lucy Fur proudly claims that the color is “Ravish Me Red,” and that Dr. Hoggett gave it to her to give to Sister Jude, which, really, is kinda burying the lead when you think about it.

And with that Sister Lucy Fur is off to her next order of business: Señora Prayermanos. Sister Lucy Fur goes into Señora’s cell, forces the older lady to her knees to pray and then stabs Señora in the throat with a pair of scissors because Satan. ¡Ay, qué messy! Sister Lucy Fur dumps then Señora’s body out in the woods, and something rushes out from the bushes for some noms.

Having fed the bush zombies, Sister Lucy Fur heads to Dr. Hoggett’s office to let him know she’s made the evening feeding, worry with him about the bush zombies’ well-being over the winter, and lift her robes and waggle her “mossy bank” at him. Shocked and mortified, Doctor Hoggett slaps Sister Lucy Fur and orders her out of his office, but not before she is all LOL, UR A PANTYWAIST.

Back in the common room, Lana Winters, Girl with a Plan! speaks to Dr. Sylar privately — or as privately as one can in the big open common room filled with crazies — and asks him for his help. If he could just take a note to Secret Lesbian Girlfriend, that would be super. And he agrees, because why not, and also, OOH, THAT SISTER JUDE, WHAT A JERK.

Down in the bakery, Chloë Sevigny approaches Grace about her escape plans, and Grace is all what eescape planz? Chloë Sevigny delivers yet another, “ALAS THE FATE OF THE SEXUALLY PROMISCUOUS WOMAN!” monologue before announcing her plans to move to Paris and be Anais Nin and make the sex with gross Henry Miller, and Grace is all, We get it, double zandardz, oui.

Sister Jude pays a visit to Dr. Hoggett’s office, where he’s preparing to bed down for the night on account of the Big Storm, and yells at him about the whole lipstick thing and Dr. Hoggett sighs heavily and insists that he wouldn’t ruin the one thing he liked about Sister Mary Eunice/Lucy Fur: her innocence, blah blah never innocent as a child himself blah. Sister Jude blames Dr. Hoggett for corrupting Sister Mary Eunice, and in return, he tells her about Sister Lucy Fur showing him her “mossy bank.” Sister Jude decides he’s trying to drive her out of her position, and is the one who sent her the newspaper, and Dr. Hoggett is like, “Gurl, you crazy,” as Sister Jude hurls the slut lipstick at his head.

Sister Jude returns to her office where she receives a phone call from the speed bump ghost, and she finds the speed bump ghost’s glasses on her desk and so Sister Jude gets her drink on, because wouldn’t you?

Dr. Hoggett, in the meantime, listens to the radio as it reports on the storm and some UFOs, no big deal, while he twirls the lipstick around in his hands and thinks hard/has a nervous breakdown. DAMN YOU, LIPSTICK!

Movie time! The crazies are assembled in the common room, where Sister Jude stumbles in and is informed that “the Mexican” is missing.

(MINI-RANT: I know that referring to the Spanish-speaking woman as “the Mexican” is the writers’ shorthand for “look how racist these people were!” But I’m fairly certain that in 1960s Massachusetts, it would never occur to Sister Jude to refer to a Latina as Mexican, as most of the Latinos in the Northeast weren’t actually Mexican. In fact, they most likely would have referred to her as a “spic” or as “spanish.” BUT WHATEVER.)

So Sister Jude gets up in front of the patients and delivers a rambling introduction to the film, Charles Laughton and Claudette Colbert and Ancient Rome and Nero, and there is some thunder, and the patients squeal, and Sister Jude goes off on a different drunken ramble about the darkness and the golden sky and walking with hope in your heart like you are an innocent child about to be run over by some drunken strumpet.

jon lovitz acting! snl.jpg

Suddenly there is a clap of thunder which breaks Sister Jude from her monologue and realize that SHE’S SAID TOO MUCH, and she stomps off to find “The Mexican.” START THE MOVIE.

As the movie plays and Rome burns, Dr. Sylar sneaks next to Lana Winters, Movie Watcher! to tell her that he swung by Secret Lesbian Girlfriend’s house and that there was no sign of her anywhere. IN FACT, based on nothing whatsoever, Dr. Sylar is concerned that her disappearance bears some striking resemblances to the other victims of Bloody Face. BUT KIT IS RIGHT OVER THERE, Lana Winters, Slow Learner! realizes.

Meanwhile, Grace and Kit sneak out of the movie because Ed Mars is an idiot.

Sister Jude wanders the hallways, drunk, looking for Señora Prayermanos, while Dr. Hoggett, armed with the whore lipstick, stares at the Madonna statue.

Kit and Chloë Sevigny and Grace make their way down to the boiler room where Lana Winters, True Believer! finds them and is all, Hey, guys! I totally believe you that Kit’s not a murderer, can I come along? Someone I care about is in danger! Grace is all, NON! But Kit shrugs and decides that it’s no biggie, whatever, come on. But! Alas, an orderly is in their path, so Chloë Sevigny tells them she’ll brown bunny him, and they should go on without her. WRITE ABOUT HER, LANA WINTERS, GIRL REPORTER! BLOW THE DOORS OFF THIS PLACE!

And so while Chloë Sevigny brown bunnies the orderly, and the rest of the gang sneak out of the secret tunnel, Dr. Hoggett smears lipstick all over the Madonna statue in the entryway, knocks it over and screams WHORE! while Sister Jude is menaced by a space man.

jon lovitz acting! snl

At some point, Chloë Sevigny decides that she needs to join the escapees, and she knocks The Orderly out, and takes off down the hall, only to be stopped by Dr. Hoggett all hopped up on lipstick fumes. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING, he menaces. And so he shoves her into his office and attempts to (legitimately) rape her, only to have an equipment failure. This makes Chloë Sevigny laugh and laugh and laugh until he bonks her over the head with something that looks very heavy.

Meanwhile, the escapees make it out of Briarcliff via the secret tunnel and they celebrate and dance around and hooray, rain! Grace then tells Lana Winters, Once a Traitor Always a Traitor! that zee can ztay wiz zen until zee road, but then zee must leave, comprenez-vous? Running through the woods, running through the woods, running through the woods, when they suddenly come upon the remains of Señora Prayermanos, and a bunch of bush zombies. AAIIIEEEE! RETREAT! RETREAT!

Back at the common room, Dr. Sylar realizes that half of the audience appears to be missing from the common room, and is all, “Uh, Ed Mars? You might want to do your job?” So Sister Lucy Fur is begrudgingly torn away from the film just as they are about to feed the Christians to the lions, and sent to go rouse Drunk Sister Jude to let her know that a number of patients are missing. Drunk Sister Jude marches down to the common room, orders the film shut off, and tells the patients that they can thank the 3 missing patients for the end of this and all future movie nights. But it’s not our three escapees she’s talking about, because they are sitting in their folding chairs, soaking wet. Nope, the three missing patients are Señora Prayermanos, Chloë Sevigny and Pepper, because THE OL’ SWITCHEROO!

And I’m not sure where Pepper is, but we know that Señora Prayermanos is being nommed on by bush zombies. As for Chloë Sevigny, she awakens on Dr. Hoggett’s sooper-secret operating table. Chloë Sevigny begs to be let go — someone must be looking for her! But Dr. Hoggett explains that in fact, no, they think she escaped. And ohbytheway, he cut off her legs because he’s a rapey monster. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?

American Horror Story airs Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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