‘The Bachelor’: Belize it or not

The Bachelor
Feburary 13, 2012

Next stop on The Bachelor‘s Let’s Ruin Central America Tour: Belize. Ben the Wine Dude explains that Belize is the perfect place to reflect on the journey so far, and tells us that he needs to think really hard about who he will keep, seeing as the home town dates are next. What he needs to be thinking about is that tank top. He needs to think about it very hard.

The ladies also remind us that this is a Very Important Week and a Big Deal and Home Town Visits and Falling in Love and then MC Infectious calls Courtney the Villainess a shark who spends all of her time sleeping and biting. Fair enough! Also, nice foreshadowing, MC Infectious! Chris Harrison arrives to remind the ladies that the four who receive roses will have home town dates, in case we missed it the previous 8 or 9 times it’s been mentioned in the previous three minutes. Here’s how this week works: three 1-on-1 dates with no roses, one group date with a rose. And did Chris Harrison mention the part about home town visits? Because HOME TOWN VISITS. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

The first date card reads, “Lindzi the Horse Girl: Two halves make a hole. Ben the Wine Dude.” (While I can’t be  certain it was “hole” and not “whole” on the date card, I’m willing to bet it was, so no, that wasn’t a typo. Carry on.) Lindzi the Horse Girl whinnies her excitement and trots upstairs to get ready for their date while Texas Nicki sniffles and cries and whines and pouts at the camera. Ben the Wine Dude and his unfortunate tank top arrive for Lindzi, and MC Infectious continues with her metaphors, comparing Ben the Wine Dude to a piece of cheesecake that she’s not allowed to eat? A piece of cheesecake who is wearing swim trunks? The metaphor, it needs work.

Ben the Wine Dude and Lindzi the Horse Girl board the obligatory helicopter and fly around the Caribbean while from underneath her mane Lindzi yammers on and on and on about wanting someone with the same values and a a strong foundation and wanting marriage and foals children and forever and ever and ever! The helicopter brings them to The Great Blue Hole — which is exactly what it sounds like — and Ben the Wine Dude informs Lindzi the Horse Girl that they are going to jump out of the helicopter and into said Great Blue Hole. There is much hemming and hawing and neighing and Lindzi the Horse Girl is going on and on about how terrified she is to jump and then begins comparing leaping out of a hovering helicopter into a 500-foot deep submarine sinkhole in the Caribbean to love because COME ON, we all know that 1. That was the entire point of the date, that insipid analogy and 2. Yes. Falling in love is exactly the same thing as an expensive and pointless stunt on a reality show. If you have never jumped out of a helicopter or scaled a bridge or skied down a residential street with some behairdoed guy who is for all intents and purposes a stranger, you’ve never really been in love. Not really.

ANYWAY. Lindzi and Ben the Wine Dude keep insisting that this is a symbol of their developing relationship and I keep insisting that they OH MY GOD QUIT TALKING ABOUT IT AND JUMP ALREADY, and the producers finally shove them out of the helicopter and honestly, it just doesn’t look like either of them actually enjoyed that at all.

Ben the Wine Dude then drives them in a boat to their dinner, which Lindzi the Horse Girl explains is Very Sexy. And I’m sorry, have these girls never been on boats before? Last week Someone Named Jamie also assured us that Ben the Wine Dude driving the tree boat along that muddy river was Very Sexy, and I just do not understand. Is he doing a striptease while he is driving these boats? Reading them poetry? Telling them about the home-cooked meal he is going to make for them right after he vacuums the living room and takes out the recycling? Because driving a boat? Just not inherently sexy in and of itself.

They arrive at a bunch of pillows that have been piled up next to a pier somewhere, which Lindzi explains is “gorgeous” but simply looks “uncomfortable” and potentially “damp” to me. There, the two of them blather on some more about the big leap they took, literally and metaphorically, in case you suffered some sort of head injury in the past 10 minutes and missed it. Ben the Wine Dude then whips out a bottle and some paper and explains that they are going to write a message in the bottle and Lindzi the Horse Girl nickers that this is very romantic and sweet gesture which, a minor rant here: Don’t any of these women understand that The Bachelor, be it Ben the Wine Dude, or Wombat or Captain Smarmy or that one hilarious British guy who was My Very Favorite, none of them come up with these dates? Ben the Wine Dude is not being “sweet” or “romantic” when he whips out the bottle that the producers gave him and suggests that they write something down and hurl the bottle into the ocean. He’s merely following orders. Of course, I suppose Lindzi the Horse Girl is too, when she comments on Ben the Wine Dude’s thoughtfulness. Ugh, this show.

They agree to draw a sketch of them jumping out of the helicopter on one side of the paper, and write a “fairy tale” on the other side:

Once upon a time there was a man named Ben the Wine Dude and a woman named Lindzi the Horse Girl who was very pretty. They were in a far-off land full of mystery. Their future was uncertain until one day they jumped out of a helicopter. Lindzi the Horse Girl was pretty much terrified but Ben the Wine Dude made it OK and she pretty much knew that. At that moment she was falling not just out af a helicopter but for Ben the Wine Dude. Ben the Wine Dude kindly obliged and knew that there was something special between the two and wanted to seal their bond with an eternal promise.

Great story, guys. Good job. The Honduran fisherman who finds that one day is going to treasure it, I’m sure.

Back at the hotel, another date card arrives while Courtney the Villainess is hissing at the other women about how much she needs a 1-on-1 date and Sparkle Pony glares at her. “MC Infectious: Do you Belize in love? Ben the Wine Dude.” Courtney the Villainess is OUTRAGED that not only did she not receive the date card but that her nemesis did and proclaims that she wants to kill herself, because sure, that’s reasonable.

On their date, MC Infectious and Ben the Wine Dude ride bikes and play basketball with some irritated natives and then find the lobsterman who informs them that if they want lobster for dinner they are going to have to go catch it themselves. Ben the Wine Dude grabs some spears and MC Infectious is all “O BEN THE WINE DUDE, HE IS SO SPONTANEOUS!” See rant above, MC Infectious. Following orders.

That evening, the two of them eat the lobsters that they supposedly caught and dance at a bar and it is so boring, this whole date is so very boring. There’s a brief moment when MC Infectious brings up Courtney the Villainess again, and her regret for talking about her all the time. AHEM. MC Infectious, she is ready to bring him home to meet her family. Ben the Wine Dude, he raises his glass to MC Infectious and says, AND I QUOTE, “People who are smart don’t like to be called smart all the time, so I wanna say you are a beautiful woman and I’m really really happy to be here.” O NO HE DID NOT. NO HE DID NOT FALL BACK ON THE WHOLE “PRETTY GIRLS WANT TO BE TOLD THEY ARE SMART AND SMART GIRLS WANT TO BE TOLD THEY ARE PRETTY,” NONSENSE. And I know that I am knee-deep in a series that is the very definition of an anti-feminist nightmare, BUT COME ON. SMART GIRLS? THEY LIKE TO BE TOLD THEY ARE SMART — IN FACT, YOU CAN DO IT WHILE YOU ALSO TELL THEM THEY ARE PRETTY. THE TWO ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. I NEED TO GO HAVE A LIE DOWN BEFORE I PUNCH BEN THE WINE DUDE IN HIS BORING FACE.

Now that I’ve done my breathing exercises (read: bourbon), we can continue. MC Infectious exclaims that this has been the greatest day of her life. This makes me indescribably sad.

Meanwhile, back at the condo or whatever, Courtney the Villainess hyperventilates and pulls her hair and twists her mouth, so upset she is over MC Infectious being on a date with Ben the Wine Dude. Courtney explains to the other ladies that if she doesn’t receive the 1-on-1 date, she isn’t going to accept a rose from him, and take him home to her family, while the other women try to kill her with their eyeballs. It fails. Eventually, the next date card arrives, “Courtney the Villainess: Let’s take the next steps in our relationship.” Courtney giggles and preens and chirps that Ben the Wine Dude, he listened to her and knew that she needed this date. The other women try harder to kill her with their eyeballs. It continues to fail.

Courtney the Villainess heads out on her date, announcing that Ben the Wine Dude needs to try harder to win her affections. Ben the Wine Dude meets her little prop plane that the other ladies were unable to shoot from the sky with their eyeballs, and immediately begins apologizing for not bringing her on another 1-on-1 date before now. Walking through the jungle, walking through the jungle, walking through the jungle. Eventually, they arrive at an ancient Mayan temple, and Courtney is still going on about how she’s not 100% certain about bringing Ben the Wine Dude home to her family, on account of him not sending all the other women home already. They have a picnic on the temple, because cultural sensitivities, they has them, and Courtney explains that she had a tough day while he was out with MC Infectious. She then begins haranguing him because she hasn’t “felt the spark” with him lately, on account of all the group dates and the not sending everyone else home already. Ben the Wine Dude, he is concerned. He promises her that he’s noticed her standing out on those group dates (O RLY? YOU NOTICED NAKED MCTOPLESS? SUCH POWERS OF OBSERVATION. IT MUST BE TRUE LOVE. ), and that he wants a woman who is a “weirdo” and “unique” like her. Because he is a sucker. A boring sucker.

The two climb to the top of the temple, yammering clichés about how their relationship is getting better, going higher the entire way up. While taking in the view, Ben the Wine Dude utters the words, “Oh … my … dad,” which, NO. NO. No. He then explains that he can see himself with this woman, and that his dead father would be proud. Ugh, this show.

They have dinner and talk some more about parents and the “spark” and soul mates and how she wasn’t sure she wanted to bring him to meet her family and now she does and Ben the Wine Dude tells her that he had a moment of clarity at the top of the temple, a moment when he saw the past, present and future, visions of everything and could picture her in his life. Because he is a sucker. A boring sucker. In the post-date interview, confident that she’s just won it all, Courtney pretends to shoot the other women. PEW! PEW PEW PEW!

Ben the Wine Dude does remember to ask her about how she’s dealing with the other women, and Courtney the Villainess whines thatthe other women haven’t tried to get to know her at all. From day one, she has tried to be nice to them, really, she swears. But the truth is? These ladies just aren’t who she would be friends with in her real life on account of their boring vanillaness. Also? They’re all so full of themselves? And it’s exhausting to have to live with them and listen to them endlessly talk about their stupid feelings. Ironically oblivious Courtney is ironically oblivious.

Ben the Wine Dude does ask her if she has any female friends, which is kind of hilarious, and Courtney is all, I have lots of good male friends, because obviously. She then insists that she is very adaptable and easy-going, I mean, think about what she does for a living! Models are famous for being friendly and easy to get along with and just generally pleasant to be around. Ben the Wine Dude does have a moment of doubt about Courtney, and her ability to get along with, well, anyone, but he pushes these concerns aside because she’s pretty. And because he’s a sucker. A boring sucker.

Meanwhile, speaking of the other women, while Courtney is off hypnotizing Ben the Wine Dude in the jungle, Sparkle Pony, MC Infectious and Texas Nicki get together and agree that Courtney the Villainess, she is terrible. The date card arrives, “Rachel, Texas Nicki and Sparkle Pony: Let’s sea whose family I will meet. Ben the Wine Dude.” Get it? Sea instead of see? Puns.

At 4 a.m., Ben the Wine Dude sneaks into the ladies’ condo and wakes them up for their group date, and NO, SIR. Unless you want to be punched in the head, you best not wake me up at 4 a.m. for anything. And to sneak in without a pot full of espresso in hand? NOPE. NUH-UH. GET OUT. OUT. Ben the Wine Dude orders them to go put on their bathing suits and MASS PANIC ENSUES. Everyone runs to the showers and begin shaving furiously, which, what? What else have these women had to do all week but dehair themselves, constantly?

The group heads out to a waiting catamaran, where Ben the Wine Dude — in yet another questionable tank top: SOMEONE BURN ALL HIS TANK TOPS, PLEASE — explains that they are going swimming with sharks, which no big deal, since they’ve been living with Courtney this whole time, amiright? High fives, everyone. Rachel has a complete freakout on the boat, however, on account of being phobic of sharks. She clings and shrieks and cowers and Ben the Wine Dude spends the entire date holding her hand and petting her hair and promising that he’s going to be with her the entire time. Sparkle Pony and Texas Nicki are not amused. Eventually, Rachel lowers herself into the ocean to splash around with the completely harmless nurse sharks. “Fears” are conquered, etc.

Back on the beach, Ben the Wine Dude takes each of the women aside individually to talk to them about their respective families and home town visits and how they’re falling in love with him and zoooomg so boring. Ben the Wine Dude gives Sparkle Pony the rose in front of the other ladies while Courtney looks on from the balcony. Pssshaw, Courtney the Villainess declares. She is a child, Courtney the Villainess sniffs. Back downstairs, Ben the Wine Dude tells the ladies that he appreciates their honesty with him, and Texas Nicki is all, OH, REALLY? Because, it is time WE TALK. Courtney is terrible and we all hate her and you need to watch your back. For serious. Sparkle Pony and Rachel sensibly just keep their mouths shut, because there’s no percentage in it for them to pile on, and Ben the Wine Dude, he has a concerned.

The ladies arrive for the cocktail ceremony, excited and terrified and nervous, except for Courtney the Villainess. She’s totally cool, and she rubs it in the rest of their faces, and reminds them that Ben the Wine Dude isn’t the only Wine Dude in the world. The other women resume trying to kill her with their eyeballs.

Chris Harrison arrives and tells them that Ben the Wine Dude knows what he is going to do tonight, and they’re going straight to the rose ceremony, so bottoms up, ladies. Ben the Wine Dude appears, makes a bunch of noise about what a great week it was and then announces that he needs to speak to Courtney for a moment. PUZZLED FACES ALL AROUND. Ben the Wine Dude explains to Courtney the Villainess that he knows it’s been difficult for her, but he wants to make sure she’s here for the right reasons. Courtney the Villainess hisses that she’s only there for him and not to make friends with these other girls. They’ve said things that have bummed her out, but she doesn’t care. Courtney the Villainess has only been honest with him and she believes they can make each other happy. And with that, they return and the other ladies attempt to contain their gloat, and the rose ceremony begins:

Rose #1: Texas Nicki
Rose #2: Lindzi the Horse Girl
Rose #3: Courtney the Villainess

BOOM. There it is, Ben the Wine Dude. You’ve been Kaa’d. AGAIN.


Rachel cries about feeling rejected — which, it’s not just a feeling, sweetheart — and she boards el barco of lagrimas.

MC Infectious is mostly disbelieving, and sobs that she hopes there is enough time for Ben the Wine Dude to see Courtney the Villainess for the villainess that she is, before she heads barefoot down the pier towards her own falúa of lamentar. PUT ON SOME SHOES, MC INFECTIOUS. YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE HOME A INFECTIOUS CENTRAL AMERICAN DISEASE. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THIS. GO HOME AND GET BACK INTO INFECTIOUS DISEASE SCHOOL AFTER ALL, YOU’VE CLEARLY MISSED SOME IMPORTANT LESSONS.

The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 7 p.m.

The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 7 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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