‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Brandi will cut you. Literally.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion Special, Part Two”
February 6, 2012

We begin part the second of the reunion focused on one Brandi Glanville, the star-boinker with a heart of gold. Brandi hobbled into this mess armed with nothing more than a pair of crutches and a foul mouth and soon became one of everyone’s favoritest not-Housewife. Unless they hated her, which, actually, most of the cast did. Andy immediately tries to stir Brandi up by suggesting that it was difficult for her to get along with the Housewives, but she waves off the notion with a “Pfft.” Cue the Brandi montage!

So, Brandi, what’s the deal with you calling yourself a slut, always? Andy tries to psychoanalyze her, suggesting it is a defensive mechanism, but it all washes over Brandi because she’s not that deep, yo. She was just kidding around, so what, who cares? THE VIEWERS AND LISA VANDERCARE VERY MUCH ACTUALLY. And thus we are subjected to some judgey emails and one put-upon Housewives for a while:

¿Dear Brandi, why you dress like a slut in front of the other ladies’ husbands when dressing like a slut is completely inappropriate and slutty? YES, WHY? Vanderinsists Lisa. But Brandi, she waves it off as a bunch of jealous nonsense. Haters gonna hate, etc. All that said, Brandi does regret taking a bunch of Xanax and washing them down with champagne ON CAMERA, so at least there’s some sort of self-awareness clanging around in there.

¿Kyle, why were you so awful at your charity event? (crickets)

¿No, seriously, why so awful, Kyle? Kyle makes some noises about being defensive and being stressed from all the business with her terrible sister, but in the end, yes, she was awful. IS THAT WHAT YOU PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR?

¿But Brandi, you also were pretty terrible! Why won’t you take responsibility for your terribleness? Brandi is like, LISTEN, BISHES. I did take responsibility, I did apologize. A lot. If I remember correctly, it was Kyle who didn’t own up to her part in all this for a long time, SO BACK IT ON UP. Lisa notes that she went so far as to call Brandi to Vanderologize for defending Kyle after Game Night because Kyle! She was so terrible! Kyle adds some interesting comments about how the crystal meth accusation was the Step Too Far for her, particularly having being said on camera, and it makes the communications major in me want to go all serious and write a 6,000 word piece on how self-awareness in the reality genre is the very thing that makes it unreal, BUT I SHAN’T, LEST I BORE YOU ANY FURTHER.

Andy points out that in her Bravo blog, Brandi made a nasty comment about how bullying is an indefensible crime, a lesson that they don’t apparently teach child stars. Brandi meows at her own comment, because see above re: self-awareness. Taylor sticks her big lips into the mix, and begins caterwauling about Brandi threatening to kill people at Game Night, and even Lisa is like, Vanderplease, Taylor.

While we’re harping on Game Night, how about them crutches and Kim and the hiding? This outrage, Brandi will not let stand! How DARE Kyle not tell her Kim hid her crutches! POWER IS KNOWLEDGE, KYLE. (This is something that is actually said. “Power is knowledge.” About someone hiding a crutch.) Kyle, however, shrugs and waves Brandi off because get over it already.

There’s a cursing montage because we’ve got to fill up three hours somehow, and then Andy forces the ladies at gunpoint to reveal their favorite curse. This is me, clutching my pearls.

¿Lisa, that was gross when Giggy drank out of La Maloof’s crystal. Lisa points out that it was Grandpa Ken who did that, but so what, who cares? La Maloof has a huffy and threatens to bring Crackpot over to Lisa’s to drink out of her Vanderystal, which Lisa invites him to do, only to be answered with an incredulous “SURE.” from La Maloof. Everyone’s eyes roll into the back of their heads at how horrible La Maloof is. When did La Maloof become so horrible?

¿POP QUIZ, BRANDI. Define these terms: 1. Sexy 2. Slutty. Brandi uses the word “labia” in her answer, which causes the other ladies to feel faint with shock and Kyle has to be revived with smelling salts.

Montage of Lisa and Taylor Vanderhating each other. Taylor explains that having never been friends with a British person, she didn’t understand Lisa’s humor, on account of the language barrier. Lisa further explains that once Taylor prostrated herself at her Vanderfeet at the Tea Party, she understood that Taylor just desperately wanted Lisa’s friendship and approval, and who is she to Vanderny that to anyone? And that comment about Lisa’s ego being out of control, Taylor? Taylor explains IN ALL SERIOUSNESS that she had been upset at some of the things GIGGY TWEETED. Apparently, Giggy tweeted either about Taylor’s duck mouth or her blowfish mouth, Taylor can’t recall which despite it deeply hurting her feelings. Brandi points out that Taylor says the same thing about her giant lips all the time and Taylor barks at Brandi that SHE NOT TALKING TO HER.

Fine, whatever, CAN WE GO BACK TO THE PART WHERE THE DOG TWEETS? Sample tweet from @giggythepom: “I celebrate…..Tonight…#prop8 …I feel I am one step closer to marrying mistress.” #thatisinappropriate #whydogsshouldn’ttweet

¿Was Lisa Vandersided when she learned the ladies were talking behind her back? Brandi notes that she told Lisa that one person in particular had been badmouthing her: La Maloof. La Maloof’s face is so pinned into place and frozen with Botox that she is unable to emote her incredulousness, and soon she’s yelling at Brandi about some Halloween party? That she invited Brandi to? That Brandi didn’t attend? OUTRAGE!

¿Camille, did Taylor throw you under the Vanderbus? YEP. There’s some disagreement over whether or not Camille promised she had Taylor’s back at the Tea Party, and something something phone call something Lisa told Camille not to be friends with Taylor something. THAT’S A LIE, Camille says through gritted teeth. I am still unclear what they are talking about, was this when they were at Paul’s office? And Lisa told Kyle that Taylor didn’t have any friends? Is this what this is about? Sure. Fine.

¿Why didn’t anyone at the Tea Party back up Taylor, it was because they were Vanderrified, right? Kyle claims that she didn’t need the dramaz, but come on. It’s all so much more complicated and at the same time simpler than that. They were all complicit in covering up a huge freaking nightmare, and no one was willing to say what actually needed to be said except Camille, and to try to pin their timidity and lack of character on being afraid of Lisa is Vanderidiculous. THAT IS MY RANT. I AM DONE WITH MY RANT.


¿More Lisa Vanderhate. Brandi counters that Lisa genuinely cares about Taylor, and that she is Vandereal. In fact, this one time, Taylor said something super nasty about Taylor and Lisa Vanderfended ol’ Duck Mouth, FACT.

OHEY BRANDI, while we’ve got you here, what’s the deal? with you saying the thing? about Russell? telling you that Taylor knew about the email suit? And that Taylor was perhaps the one who ordered him to email sue Camille? And Brandi’s like, “That’s what he said.” Taylor’s big comeback is O YEAH? I HEARD YOU SLASHED YOUR HUSBAND’S TIRES. And Brandi is all, yes I did slash his tires. What of it? Not being the answer Taylor expected, she whimpers in response. Brandi, sensing blood in the water, moves in for the attack: So is Taylor’s book out yet? And is Russell’s body even cold?

Kyle begins scolding Brandi that she’s being inappropriate: someone died, Taylor’s a single mother who needs to support her daughter, don’t judge unless you’ve walked in their Maloof Hoofs, etc. Eventually, Kyle delivers what she thinks is a killer line, calling Brandi “Angry Spice,” only to have Brandi roll her eyes and shoot back, “I know you are but what am I.” Kyle then reveals that she invited Brandi and her kids to a holiday party, and that Brandi accidentally sent Kyle a text intended for someone else in which she called Kyle a very unpleasant word that I am not even sure I can allude to on a family site, but yes, it’s the one you’re thinking of. Brandi laughs it off, and is like, “I totally did that.”

Lisa, for no particular reason, decides to defend Brandi slashing Eddie Cibiran’s tires, but the thing about Brandi is that she don’t care! She does not need you Vanderfending her, because she does not care what you think about her going a little Fatal Attraction-lite on her ex. So what?

@giggypom’s thoughts on Russell’s suicide: “A very sad time…I look at life a little differently today..my heart aches for@TaylorArmstrong ..” #notappropriateatall #nodogsontwitter

Even though Kim’s not here to defend herself, how’s about a Kyle/Kim montage for laffs? Andy asks Kyle if Kim went to rehab after seeing her behavior on the show, and Kyle is all, I hate to break it to you, Cohen, but Kim doesn’t watch the show. Kyle explains that she encouraged Kim to be on the show to give her something else to do, besides fixating on her poor, poor kids. Andy asks if calling Kim out as an alcoholic was something that needed to happen for her to deal with her issues, and Kyle notes that it brought out a lot of things that they needed to talk about and helped their relationship BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY WE’RE DISCUSSING THIS SINCE THAT HAPPENED LAST SEASON. Bah.

¿Hey Kyle, you know you were totally enabling Kim, right? Kyle does not appreciate this comment, Viewer, because what do you know. Shut up.

¿No, seriously, between no one saying anything about Taylor’s situation or Kim’s obvious problems, you all know that you were enabling two horrific situations, right? ¿You are all aware that none of you were fooling anyone, and probably just making bad situations much worse by refusing to acknowledge them on camera? Kyle would like you to know that reality shows aren’t real. And you can just shut it. Brandi suggests that maybe her announcing that Kim was a meth head on camera helped Kim come to terms with her problem. But Kyle, she has no time for that noise, so shut it, Giantess. And put your nipples away.

Hey! Camille! What’s the deal? Why you so boring this year? Let’s look at a montage of you talking about penises which should be more entertaining than it is.

Thirteen things you should know about Camille:

  1. She’s still dating that Greek guy.
  2. He’s 8 years younger than her.
  3. They have been together for 6 or 7 months now.
  4. They have great sexytimes.
  5. She’s still fighting Kelsey Grammer over custody.
  6. She does not speak to Kelsey Grammer.
  7. She was just as surprised as anyone about his new wife’s pregnancy; what a slut, right?
  8. Kelsey Grammer is a jerk, did she mention that?
  9. She loves that her show gets better ratings than his.
  10. She’s keeping the name Grammer until her legal battle against that jerk is done.
  11. She totally did not make a conscious decision to be less crazy this season, Andy Cohen, no matter what you think. Seriously. No, really. Honest.
  12. She hid in the bathroom during both Game Night and the Malibu Beach Party of Doom.
  13. She’s super boring and probably won’t be back next season on account of the boring. BRING BACK ALLISON DUBOIS.

¿Hey, Duckface, what’s up with your lips? Why aren’t they as large as they were last season? Taylor explains that her lips are not, in fact, any smaller, that they are IMPLANTS, and that maybe everyone just got used to the giant two-by-fours shoved into her face.

So, about this book. Taylor explains that she had been journaling in therapy and when she read it back, she recognized patterns of abuse throughout her life and that she wants to help other girls with low self-esteem and OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO BREAK THE SERIOUS BUSINESS HERE WITH A LITTLE LEVITY BECAUSE I CAN NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUS BUSINESS, but when Taylor said “Girls with Low Self-Esteem” all I can think of is this:


But back to Serious Business. Taylor explains that Russell’s abuse began when she was pregnant, and he attacked her every 6 weeks or so. Despite this she didn’t leave him for a number of reasons: she loved him, she was afraid for her financial well-being, she didn’t want him to be left alone with Kennedy, etc. Taylor admits that she has some financial motivation to write a book, seeing as Russell was up to some shady business that she only learned about after his death, and now all the peoples are coming after her for their monies. Russell’s Shady Business include: 10 different secret accounts, an office in Rio and a briefcase full of flash drives and documents that was found next to his body like this was some sort of freaking spy movie instead of just a sad weird conclusion to a sad weird life. Russell’s business associate killed himself soon after, which is strange, and some people who think there might be more to Russell’s death than just a simple final act of desperation by a desperate man who knew the giggy was up have contacted Taylor — but she’s not ready to talk to them yet. Andy Cohen is all, Are you saying IT WAS MURDER? Which is where we leave it, of course, because CLIFF HANGER!

Speaking of serious business, Giggy? “Oh a sad woof for Joplin tonight…many killed20 minute warning then deadly tornado struck,what is happening to our planet?” #makingitworse #takethephoneawayfromthedog


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

Leave a Reply