‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Aloha!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Leis and Lies in Lanai”
January 2, 2012

First of all, let me apologize for being so late with this entry. The Bachelor is back, as I’m sure you all know, which means that Monday nights I stay up until 2, 3 in the morning and still don’t get the entry done because the stupid show is two hours long and the funny, it doesn’t just pour forth — the funny requires a little work, I’m afraid. And so after The Bachelor entry is written, I stumble around in a fog for the remainder of the day, yelling at my dogs and children to LEAVE MOMMY ALONE, MOMMY IS SO TIRED. And, so, yeah, RHOBH just wasn’t going to get done, despite me having my computer open to the blogging platform all day yesterday, and intending to write something, anything down.


Oh, the White Party. Having banished Taylor and Russell from the party, Kyle Daddy then spends the remainder of the party flapping her hands, defending her decision to banish Taylor and Russell and then demanding that everyone assure her that her decision to banish Taylor and Russell was, in fact, the right one. This goes on for some time, and nothing new/interesting is said. (Camille was just repeating what Taylor told her! Who knows if Taylor’s telling the truth! It was rude of Russell to email sue Camille! ad naseum)

Eventually, Kyle Diddy-Dirty Money decides that she has spent way too much money time on this White Party to not enjoy it, SO BY GOD SHE IS GOING TO EAT SOME FATBURGER AND DANCE TO MARIACHIS. And so she does. Meanwhile, inside, Pam and Lisa explain to Kim that Kyle kicked Taylor and Russell out of the party, and in one of the most revealing moments of the season, Kim asks if it was for “drinking.” She who dealt it smelt it, Kim. And NO. Not for drinking. With that, Kim marches out onto the dance floor and begins frantically flopping about, whipping that high pony around, which is apparently some sort of mating dance for Bridge Trolls. Because

he soon comes stomping out onto the dance floor and begins chewing on her face in front of everyone and to the express disgust of Kim’s daughters and sister. (See image above.) THEY ARE SO HAPPY, YOU GUYS. THEY ARE VERY VERY HAPPY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD THINK THEY WEREN’T HAPPY BECAUSE LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE. HAPPY.

You know who is not happy? Russell and Taylor are not happy as they head home in their Rejection Limousine. Russell first suggests that they go back to Las Vegas, because, why not! before he begins grumbling that it would have been nice if “she” had called last week. I do not know of which “she” he speaks — I suspect he means Camille, but perhaps he’s referring to Kyle — but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. “She” will, it seems, always be the problem, not Russell. Never Russell. Taylor makes some timid noises about how perhaps he shouldn’t have email sued Camille, and he argues that, Yeah, but he can’t just people go around lying about him. Taylor counters quietly that Camille certainly exaggerated some things. Exactly! says Russell, Out-and-out, bald faced, not-an-ounce-of-truth, shameless lies! Taylor makes sad little duck faces and rolls her eyes and says nothing.

Later, Taylor visits her osteopathic therapist, which is a thing apparently, to discuss the whole email lawsuit situation, and he’s like, “Ooh, girrrrrrrl, you know what gots to be done.” Because in my version he’s played by Lafayette from True Blood.

Sometime later, Lisa releases the Suitcase Maid from her cabinet because it is time to Vanderpack for Mauricio’s birthday trip to Hawaii that I’m certain he wanted to spend with a bunch of his wife’s reality series co-stars! Sadly, Giggy will not be Vanderjoining them, despite his adorable little Hawaiian Vandershirt.


Grandpa Ken shuffles into the closet to inform Lisa that he happened to run into Cedric the other day, and that Cedric is now a life coach. Lisa and I both find this Vanderlarious.

Kyle and Mauricio also pack, but this is completely unremarkable except for the part that Mauricio does it shirtless, for those of you who are interested.

(Almost) everyone (Kyle and Mauricio, Lisa and Grandpa Ken, Brandi, La Maloof, Camille, but no Pam because Pam spent all her monies on a lollipop necklace) arrives at the airport and checks in — which we absolutely needed to see — before heading into the first class lounge to begin fretting about where Kim is. Because somehow it is still a shock and surprise to Kyle that Kim is late somewhere. OH WHERE COULD KIM BE?!? Kim, it seems, is at home, looking for her passport because her driver’s license is expired and despite telling Kyle that she had renewed it, she had not. She is not passed out on the floor of a bathroom somewhere, why would you even think that? Kyle sighs heavily, tells her sister the next flight is at 6 (which Dr. Mr. LaMaloof will also be on — lucky him!) and resigns herself to heading on to Hawaii without her.

Except that she doesn’t, and the moment everyone gets on the plane and settles into their lush first class seats (that I’m certain were not provided by Hawaiian Airlines, the editors and producers just were so taken with all of the plush amenities and food and drink that they wanted to linger over every possible shot, quit being so cynical, God) Kyle calls Kim again and yells at her about the 6 o’clock flight and Dr. Mr. LaMaloof and staying in Honolulu and having to catch another flight as if Kim has any idea what on Earth Kyle is shrieking about.

Meanwhile, Camille is busy drinking champagne and talking about how much she enjoys, “8 inches of freedom,” which I suppose is supposed to be a cheeky double entendre, but it doesn’t make any sense, not really when you think about it.

The group arrives in Honolulu where they are to catch a private plane to Lanai. The “private plane” that Mauricio supposedly booked himself resembles nothing more than the lovechild of the military transport plane that returned the Oceanic 6 to civilization and a can of Spam. Kyle whinges and cries and carries on about how terrifying the plane is, while everyone else grimly takes their seats and Brandi takes care of her own, and promptly washes down a fistful of Xanax with some booze, as one does.

The breadbox with wings manages to make it safely to Lanai, and the group is herded into a shuttle bus where a loopy Brandi launches into a rant against red Ferraris and the micophallused men who drive them. Brother of LaMaloof happens to drive a red Ferrari, and LaMaloof assures us that such characterizations are false. This only raises more questions than answers, and we shall move on.

The group arrives at the hotel and promptly reconverges for sunset cocktails, which is exactly what Brandi needs. She proceeds to drape all 190 inches of herself over Grandpa Ken to the increasing Vanderire of Lisa who Vanderbarks at Brandi to keep her whore hands off her Vanderhusband. Brandi thinks this is hilarious. Also hilarious: Brandi’s description of the Bridge Troll — a gay Bull Mastiff. Sure! Not as good as Bridge Troll, but I see it!

Dr. Mr. LaMaloof finally arrives the next morning, and he and LaMaloof growl at one another when he makes the controversial suggestion that they try to enjoy this romantic weekend together. Oh, and also, Kim and the Bridge Troll did make the 6 o’clock flight but didn’t manage to make the connecting flight because come on, who expected that to happen? Besides a deluded Kyle?

Brandi and Camille have a bikini-off at the pool where a very eager hotel employee comes over and sprays them down with sunscreen, and, I’m sorry, this is a thing? I’ve been to some resorts and no employees have ever come over to hose me down with sunscreen, and if they had I’d be all, UH, NO THANKS, HANDSY. But these two roll around and purr and it makes me very uncomfortable and it has to stop.

Lisa and Grandpa Ken Vanderrive, and Lisa is all, “OH BLOODY VANDERHELL,” when she sees the scraps of fabric Brandi has tied onto herself with some leftover thread, and Vanderglares at Grandpa Ken when he can’t seem to take his gross old man eyes off of her, because come on. These four eventually head down to the beach where Kyle and Mauricio are watching the dolphins and wringing their hands about Kim. Lisa plants herself next to Kyle and soon receives a phone call from a number she doesn’t Vanderecognize, so obviously it’s Taylor who is all, “How’s Hawaii? BY THE WAY MY MARRIAGE IS OVER.” Lisa and Kyle are like, “Oh, wow, that’s terrible? Awesome?” because who knows, right? And then they cross their fingers that this time it will stick. SPOILER ALERT: It does.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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