‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Friends don’t let friends email-sue other friends

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
December 19, 2011

We begin with Dr. Mr. La Maloof doing very important business things in his very important business office and not just sitting at a desk pretending to load the printer waiting for the scene to start, why would you think that? when La Maloof dramatically enters and announces that Camille just called her to tell her Russell has just email-sued her for saying that he’s a terrible wife-beating monster. Fun fact: In defamation cases, truth is a defense! Anyway, now Camille doesn’t want to go to P. Kyle’s White Party for fear that she’s going to run into Russell, which is totally reasonable. Dr. Mr. La Maloof and La Maloof wring their hands that Russell is going to email-sue them, which makes them considerably less excited about going to the White Party, too, much less the planned trip to Hawaii for Mauricio’s birthday. Which is the first we’ve heard of that, but sure, they’re all going to Hawaii together. The La Maloofs loudly wonder why Russell didn’t just pick up a phone and call Camille if he was unhappy with her, instead of just jumping right in and getting the email lawyers involved. Friends don’t email-sue friends.

Meanwhile, Lisa and “Kevin” and Pandora and Pandora’s fiance listen to some mediocre Vanderband audition for the wedding with some mediocre salsa and mediocre “Motown,” and Lisa cries and ohmygawd I can’t wait for Pandora to be Vandermarried already because VANDERSNORE.

Kim eats! Kim actually puts actual food into her actual mouth which she appears to actually masticate and actually swallow, absorbing actual calories! This is a very big deal! She enjoys this, her first meal in years, with her daughters, Whitney and Kimberly, while Kimberly tells an amusing story about overdosing on Nyquil and trying to drown herself in the shower. Ha ha! Narcotic abuse is hilarious! Tell your syzrup story next, Kimberly! The daughters then eye Kim’s “promise” ring from the Bridge Troll with suspicion. Why the ring? Why the ring on that hand? Why the ring on that hand and on that finger? Kim brushes off their concerns and then orders them to be polite and keep their mouths SHUT at Kyle Diddy’s White Party. Because she wouldn’t want them to embarrass her in front of everyone. FORESHADOWING!

So. Kyle’s party. I’m very unclear on what this whole “White Party” business is about. I’m fairly certain last year’s White Party was to celebrate Mauricio’s 40th birthday (which, in the Odell household, is celebrated with a bunch of octogenarians and a plate of Sauerbraten at Rudi Lechtner’s — but everyone has to wear all white, because, duh), so what is this year’s party for, especially if they’re celebrating Mauricio’s 41st birthday in Hawaii? NO ANSWERS. JUST MYSTERY. Anyway. There are many ottomans and chandeliers and LED lights and Kyle stresses out because, I don’t know, some things aren’t plugged in?

But poor Kyle, she didn’t even know that the fact that an assistant had not yet strung an extension cord some 5 hours before the party began was the least of her problems —  so La Maloof, she calls and fixes that. La Maloof warns Kyle about Russell’s email-suit, and explains that the other women, they don’t feel particularly comfortable putting on fancy white dresses and drinking champagne if Russell is going to be there, email-suing them. So. You know.

And now that we’ve had the obligatory “Hostess pre-party stress” business, we can get to the “Guests arrive in limousines” montage: Brandi and her Wookie friend, Jennifer arrive, shortly followed by Camille and that DD person. Camille makes it fairly clear that she will not be discussing her email-suit, because she’s the reasonable one this season, and she makes her way out of the glare of the cameras.

Nobody else does, however. Lisa and Grandpa Ken arrive and Lisa finds a nice rocking chair and warm afghan for Grandpa Ken so she can she go frantically text and call Taylor to Vanderwarn her NOT to come to the White Party. Alas, Taylor is not answering her phone, and everyone’s faces go even tighter than usual at the thought of having to confront Taylor and Russell upon their arrival at the party. The Maloofs arrive and yell about how they don’t want to be email-sued, and then everyone gets into a huge thing about whether or not Taylor knew her husband was going around email-suing everyone? And who cares? I mean, Russell still can’t come to the party, whether or not Taylor knew about his email litigiousness, and she’s not going to stay at the White Party without her crazy husband, so it’s a moot point? But for some reason, this is a Very Important Thing to argue about, and so everyone does while Kyle wanders around her house, flapping her hands.

And then Kim arrives.

Kim and The Bridge Troll and La Bruja, Jr. all shared a limo? Did La Bruja, Jr. have to go to the bridge to pick them up, or did the limo go to the bridge first and then pick up La Bruja, Jr. at the coven? I NEED ANSWERS. Kim, who is high … on life! rubs her butt on anyone who gets close to her, coughs on Lisa, allows Pam to feel up her boobs when Pam accuses them of being fake (THEY NO FAKE, Bridge Troll assures Pam. I TOUCH BOOBS.), and growls at Pam when Pam offers to try negotiate a détente between Kim and Brandi. Kim, eyes half-shut, then slurs some threats towards Brandi’s good leg. Kyle takes a break from hand flapping to beg her obviously intoxicated … on life! sister to please put it away already. Kim, however, is spoiling for a fight/too drunk … on life! to hear her sister.

And with that, Kim marches over to the one-legged giantess whose left boob is hatching escape plans, and gives her a piece of what is left of her mind. Kim does not like Brandi, she has never liked Brandi, she shall not accept Brandi’s apology and Kim’s sister is not, as Brandi called her, a bitch. Brandi points out that they all behaved poorly that night, and that Kyle herself apologized to Brandi for acting like a bitch. WELL, KYLE OBVIOUSLY ONLY SAID THAT TO BRANDI TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER AND THE ONLY PERSON KIM HAS TO APOLOGIZE TO IS GOD FOR LETTING BRANDI BRING KIM DOWN TO THAT LEVEL. Brandi sighs heavily, realizing that she’s dealing with someone who is obviously plastered … on life!, and decides to just let this strung-out … on life! little chihuahua yap at her, out of pity. Kim continues snarling at Brandi about how Brandi is a pretty girl with a “trucker mouth” and Brandi obliges her by loosing a string of f-bombs, because, WHY NOT. Kyle eventually takes a break from her hand-flapping and begins making her way over to the ruckus which is enough to make Kim unlock her teeth from Brandi’s ankle and scurry away, but not before she threatens that her daughter ALSO has something to say to Brandi. This appears, however, to be the first Kim’s daughter has heard of this. Kyle sighs heavily and apologizes to Brandi who shrugs it off, miraculously managing to keep her left boob in her dress while doing so.

MEANWHILE, somewhere in Los Angeles, Taylor and Russell are in their limousine on their way to the White Party, very very convincingly insisting that they are going to have so much fun tonight. No, really. So much fun. Russell is going to get sooooo drunk and Russell is going to be the last one to leave and they are going to go have such a super awesome time. Woo-hoo. Fun. Drunk fun. They had fun in Dallas together and they had fun in Las Vegas together and now they are going to have fun at this party together because they have forgiven one another and Russell is a new person. A fun person. A fun party person.

So convincing and not creepy at all!

The limo arrives. Kyle, who is already in full-sob, heads outside flanked by La Maloof, Lisa, Mauricio, and Dr. Mr. La Maloof to greet Russell and Taylor. As Taylor, Russell and Taylor’s ridiculous earrings approach, Kyle attempts to explain that they can’t come into the party because of the email-suit against Camille, but is too hysterical to finish. So, as Kyle continues to sob, everyone else yells at Russell and Taylor about emails and lawsuits and email lawsuits, and Taylor’s giant duck lips open and close in incredulity. She didn’t know! This is the first she’s heard of this email-suit! Seriously! But Russell isn’t surprised because Russell knows exactly who he has email-sued. Russell attempts to claim it was a “nice” email-suit, but everyone has read it, and come on. He email-sued Camille. There’s no nice way to email-sue someone.

Taylor stomps back to the limo, yelling that she supposes they’ll just GO BACK TO LAS VEGAS since that’s WHERE THEY JUST CAME FROM. Kyle, completely unhinged, runs after her, and hurls herself into the backseat of the limo keening at Taylor that she doesn’t have any issues with her, but then all the other hens stick their heads in the limo and begin shrieking about Camille and how she’s SO AFRAID! and attorneys and email-suits and they were just repeating what Taylor said and THIS IS NOT HELPING THE SITUATION, LADIES. Taylor insists Camille repeated an exaggerated version of the story that she told all of them, while Russell silently glares ahead, furious. Eventually, he demands that they just let them leave already, and so they do, and I guess Russell’s not going to be the last guest at the party after all.

And then Grandpa Ken wakes up from his nap, puts his teeth back in, and is like, “What did I miss? Did they do the piñata yet?”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.


(All the awesome gifs below? From realitytvgifs.tumblr.com, because he’s amazing.)







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