‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Letting it all hang out

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Malibu Party from Hell”
December 5, 2011

We are still planning the Vanderwedding, which means we have to watch Lisa and Pandora and “Kevin” (and Pandora’s Fiance’s Mother, but who cares about her) flutter around some sample table settings and move this plate to that charger with that napkin and these flowers and that Vandercandlezzzzzzzzzzz

Later, Lisa and Grandpa Ken take a look at their new Vanderestauranzzzzzzzzzz …

Kyle brings her mother-in-law, La Bruja Jr., to Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s office for her final post-face-stabbing checkup. While Kyle agrees that La Bruja Jr. looks great (and compared to La Bruja, indeed, she looks terrific), Kyle would rather not jab needles into her face, so back off with those needles, Dr. Mr. La Maloof, kthnx. Kyle and Mauricio and Kyle’s Ladysitter then host the world’s most boring Cinco de Mayo party because Mauricio is “very proud” of his Mexican heritage. And as everyone knows, Proud Mexicans: 1. celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and 2. when celebrating Cinco de Mayo, feel the need to label the catered “Mexican Rice.” And then everyone makes fun of La Bruja Jr.’s plastic surgery. MAS TEQUILA, POR FAVOR.

¡Muy auténtico!

La Maloof and Brandi meet to poke at a teensy zucchini and spinach pizza together and briefly discuss Brandi’s upcoming Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party. La Maloof isn’t so sure about having Camille and Taylor in the same room together, but Brandi’s like, “They didn’t kill each other at your backyard show fashion show. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”


Kim, however, will not be attending Brandi’s Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party because she’s got all this rehab to go to all these goats to cook for The Bridge Troll all this laundry to do.

Camille is bringing a team of people with her to Brandi’s Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party, because a woman who manages to get $50 million out of a 13-year marriage to Kelsey Grammer is no dummy. Sadly, Team Camille does not include Allison DuBois and her electronic cigarettes, but rather that Allison DuBois wannabe, DD (DeeDee? DiDi? Who cares?), and some blond. Camille explains to Team Camille that she’s texted apologies to Taylor five times already, but Taylor still hasn’t responded. HOW RUDE. Camille then demands that there be no drama tonight, and if Team Camille spots her in an escalating situation, they must grab her and drag her out to the limo. Good idea!

Team Taylor merely includes Kyle, who listens as Taylor rants some more about Camille and how she’s not ready to forgive her. Team Taylor’s other duties include helping Taylor down an entire bottle of white wine on the limo ride over to the Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party. Good idea!

Everyone arrives at Brandi’s friend’s beach house determined to HAVE A GOOD TIME/NOT FORGIVE. Thus, Camille, upon Taylor’s arrival, wrestles Taylor into a hug that lasts much too long. Taylor skulks off, complains that the hug was awkward, grabs some more white wine and glares in Camille’s direction to the best of her Botoxed ability.

The rest of the party pounds white wine and Thai food, makes fun of Brandi’s free range boobs via laser pointer and wraps themselves in belly dancing scarves and tries to learn a few belly dancing moves. And then Kyle begins doing the splits all over the place because she’s jealous of all the attention Brandi’s nipples are getting it’s all about Kyle and how she can do the splits.

Taylor makes a big show of going outside and sitting by herself, before being cajoled back inside by La Maloof. There, Taylor plops herself down next to Team Camille and begins making a bunch of loud mewling noises about how she’s been BETRAYED and how she CAN’T TRUST PEOPLE, and on and on until Team Camille, who has had their share of white wine and belly dancing, becomes offended on Camille’s behalf and begins making counter noises about how IF SOMEONE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY, THEN JUST SAY IT TO THE PERSON’S FRIENDS’ FACES. Brandi’s nipples become uncomfortable.

DD, brimming with chardonnay confidence, confronts an increasingly weepy Taylor, who accuses Camille of placing herself and her daughter in danger, which, NO, MA’AM. INTERJECTION: I get that Taylor is mad that Camille made the abuse allegations public by discussing them on camera, but the only person that is placing Taylor and her daughter in actual danger is Taylor herself by staying with an abuser. Which is basically what Camille says in a later interview. High five, Camille.

Vandermission! Over a glass of rosé, Lisa Vanderxplains to Grandpa Ken that she did not attend the Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party because she heard it was going to involve lessons on, um, oral “technique.” Grandpa Ken sadly wishes that he’d attended, which, ew, before suggesting that Lisa demonstrate her Vandernique on him later WHICH, EW. Lisa, however, assures him that it is not his Vandebirthday, which is why I Vanderlove Lisa, but also, GOD, EW.

And as much as I know you’d like to talk more about Lisa Vanderservicing Grandpa Ken, back to the Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party!

Taylor orders Camille OUTSIDE, which Team Camille finds rather brusque and impolite and it sets off an entire shrieking debate on manners and who should speak for whom and soon Kyle and La Maloof and Brandi and Brandi’s nipples and some giant thing in a gold sequined tank top named Linda Thompson who was Bruce Jenner’s former wife and Elvis’ girlfriend (true facts!) are shoving Taylor out onto the balcony, and yelling at her to calm down. Because nothing calms a person down more than having multiple people yelling at them to calm down. Taylor makes some ha has about throwing herself off the balcony — which, what a perfect time for suicide jokes, Producers! you may have earned yourselves a super-special place in Hell for that one! — before Kyle shoves her onto a picnic table while the besequined ex-wife of Kim Kardashian’s stepfather yells at Taylor that the ocean will be there long after Taylor’s dead. So uplifting! That’s real greeting card material right there!

DD, who is covered in a thin sheen of chardonnay and in a full-on drunk cry at this point, yells at Taylor that she’s sick of watching Camille try to be Taylor’s friend only to have Taylor hurt her. This sends Taylor into keening, finger-pointing, table-crawling hysterics. La Maloof and Brandi’s nipples throw themselves between the women, while La Maloof literally covers Taylor’s giant duck mouth with her hand and Fat Elvis’ girlfriend, while still wearing her belly dancing scarf, assures the completely deranged Taylor that it’s not combat if she doesn’t engage. This is a subtle point that I’m not entirely certain Taylor is able to grasp at the moment.

Brandi’s nipples have had enough, and orders Taylor to leave, which somehow turns into a hand-slapping fight between Brandi and Kyle. Someone pointed at someone first, and after rewatching the footage like it was the Zapruder film, I’m still unclear to whom the offending finger belongs. It doesn’t matter, not really, and soon Kyle and Taylor are gathering their things while David Foster’s ex-wife yammers at everyone that they are an evolved species who are embarrassing themselves by losing control. At least one part of that statement is true (ish).

As Team Camille and La Maloof pile into their limos, Brandi and her nipples sob to their friend about the disaster her Malibu White Wine Belly Dancer Party turned into. They just wanted to fit in!

Meanwhile, in Team Taylor’s limo, Kyle throws a blanket over Taylor’s lap while Taylor shrieks at the driver that she needs a cigarette RIGHT NAAAHOW. Taylor then does that thing where she cries and cries and cries while staring crazily at Kyle gape-mouthed and silent like some sort of beautiful trout, because ohmygod her problems are FOR REALZ. Too much, show. Way, way too much.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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