‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Waiting for the other shoe to drop

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Adrienne’s Fashion Show”
November 28, 2011

Listen, I am a fan of cooking shows: I love me some Top Chef (even when they’re indulging in obvious stereotypes about Texas and snubbing Houston because we wouldn’t pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars to film here even though we have the most interesting and diverse culinary scene in the state BUT WHATEVER) and I loved Iron Chef back when it was weirdo Japanese Iron Chef and you’d get things like The Chairman talking about how snail juice is referred to as “lady sweat,” WHICH, NO IT IS NOT and also GROSS, but my least favorite part of any of those shows is watching other people eat. Boring. So boring. Is there anything more boring? No, there is nothing more boring. It’s boring even when those eating are VanderPumps, tasting fancy food for the fancy Vanderwedding. And yet here we are. Lisa and Pandora and Pandora’s Fiance and Grandpa Ken and “Kevin” eat a bunch of fancy food that seem to involve a great deal of sweet potatoes, and drink ridiculous cocktails made mostly of dry ice, and make fun of Taylor for the way she ate cotton candy that one time, and ooh and aah over the tacky tacky $15,000 Vandertations, and I didn’t think there was a way to make Lisa Vanderboring, but they managed to do it, so well done, Producers.

I Vanderlove her. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

Meanwhile, Brandi and Kyle are getting their nails done. Together. Without backup or tasers. There’s a bunch of noise about how they both want to get past Game Night, and move forward and blah blah blah, and Brandi has a fabulous idea! She’s going to host a party at her Malibu home where she hires Andy Dick a porn star to come teach the ladies how to perfect their, um, oral skillz. Kyle, who Brandi of all people should remember was offended by a 4-year-old’s penis, is shockingly not down with this idea. PUN TOTALLY INTENDED. And somehow, despite all the sharp instruments lying around and their nails being filed into points, Brandi and Kyle manage to get out of the manicurist’s without anyone getting cut.

For your cringey scene of the episode, Taylor and Russell go lie to their marriage therapist for a while. After basically telling Taylor to GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, SISTER, the therapist talks near Russell’s “anger,” without ever getting into hitty or shovey specifics. Taylor pouts and insists that they clearly love each other, and the therapist is all, “Do you, though? Do you really? Don’t you think you’d be better off if you didn’t?” But Taylor, bless her cocker spaniel-brained heart, she continues to insist that they are really good together! When they don’t hit hate each other! And Russell who suddenly seems to have rediscovered the cameras, which I’m certain has nothing to do with Camille’s Big Tea Party Revelation, and everything to do with wanting to save his marriage, sits and glares at the therapist before suddenly announcing that he has a Very Important Meeting, OK goodbye. Savin’ ur marriage, ur doin’ it rong.

La Maloof has designed her own line of shoes? And this is the first we’ve ever heard of it? And she’s now going to host a backyard shoe fashion show to show off these shoes of which we’ve never heard so as to raise money for a lady empowerment charity? OK, sure. To this end, we have the obligatory hostess stressing out over the preparations scene, the obligatory “there’s a vaguely famous person associated with this event” nod, and the obligatory limos pulling up in driveway, people getting out of limos and people greeting the host montage.

Russell decides to escort his wife to the shoe fashion show, because this is obviously something that is very relevant to his interests, and not because he is a controller who is desperately attempting to manipulate his image. The superhappy couple talk vaguely about Taylor possibly seeing Camille tonight and Russell is all, So what, who cares, she’s a lying liar who lies. This is very convincing! Also convincing: when the limo picks up Kyle and Mauricio, and the topic of Camille is brought up and everyone is all, “I MEAN, WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT CAMILLE WAS TALKING ABOUT! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE EVEN SAID!  I CERTAINLY DIDN’T HEAR HER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SPOUSAL ABUSE BECAUSE WHY WOULD SHE? HA HA HA HA HA! NOPE, I HEARD NOTHING.” Way to play it cool, everyone!

Once at the backyard shoe fashion show, Camille happens to exit a door that Taylor was standing behind. At first, Taylor’s tiny cocker spaniel brain screams at her, “FLEE! FLEE, YOU FOOL! YIP! YIP YIP!” But to her credit, Taylor greets Camille and makes some vague noises about how they will talk later, because they save the crazy fights for the private parties neither of them want to upstage La Maloof’s big fancy Night of Loafers or whatever.

Meanwhile, the moment Lisa, Grandpa Ken and The Sultan arrive, La Maloof immediately grabs Lisa and shoves her into a nearby room to harangue her for not asking La Maloof to host Pandora’s Vanderbachelorette party. Lisa explains, Vandereasonably, that they happen to have another family friend who also owns his own casino — because who isn’t friends with multiple Las Vegas casino owners? — and he offered to host Pandora’s and Pandora’s Fiance’s Vanderbachelor/ette parties. Lisa would never dream to Vanderpose on La Maloof, and ask her to host 20 shrieking girls for 3 days. That’s Vanderidiculous. LA MALOOF IS STILL OFFENDED. HOW DARE LISA NOT COME TO HER AND DEMAND LA MALOOF HOST HER DAUGHTER’S BACHELORETTE PARTY. WHY WON’T LISA JUST VANDERMIT SHE’S VANDERONG?

And then the fashion show happens, but HA HA, all the dresses are super long and no one can see the shoes, and everyone is like, The hell? I thought this was a backyard shoe fashion show? And then Lisa makes a funny about La Maloofs Mahoofs and how she’s going to start her own line of VanderPumps, and then she and I, we high five because we are best friends, the end.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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