‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Don’t tread on me

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Tempest in a Tea Party”
November 14, 2011

Last we left the KKK sisters, Kim was dragging Kyle inside her house to feed her to meet her boyfriend, The Bridge Troll. Kyle was understandably reluctant. But Kyle is brave, and heads inside and faces The Bridge Troll and his friend, Beto. While Kim burbles something or other about how heavy her furniture is and moving people and storage and who knows what else, Kyle hones in on the fact that The Bridge Troll appears to be wearing a wedding ring. NO! protests Kim! It’s a promise friendship commitment ring! So, a wedding ring, says Kyle. KIM GIVE ME! offers The Bridge Troll. KIM GIVE ME RING! Kyle mumbles something about long-haired dogs and allergies and excuses herself to go sob in Kim’s kitchen for a while. THIS BE GOOD, says The Bridge Troll obliviously. THIS HAPPEN GOOD. Kyle pulls herself together and heads back into the room to excuse herself, she has … things … do. KBAI. Kyle doesn’t quite escape without an awkward hug from The Bridge Troll, but eventually she makes it to her Mercedes and flees. THIS BE HAPPENING GOOD, growls The Bridge Troll while holding a trembling Kim. GOOD.

It’s Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s birthday! To celebrate, he and La Maloof lock themselves into some wine cellar somewhere and do everything in their power to irritate the other. This is the entire scene:

Happy birthday, Dr. Mr. La Maloof!

At the Kyle house, Mauricio comes home in the middle of the day so that Kyle can tell him about The Bridge Troll. And that’s all well and good and filler or whatever, but I have a serious question: how does Kyle have both a two-year-old and all-white furniture? Does she replace the furniture every week with new all-white furniture? Is she on some sort of all-white furniture subscription service where they send her new all-white furniture and take the old all-white, now-filthy furniture out to the backyard and set it on fire? Because I’ve had two-year-olds, and there is NO WAY you can have both a two-year-old and all-white furniture. It’s one of Newton’s laws.

Taylor is the chief creative director of some sort of beauty site? And I was ready to be all snotty and “YEAH, SURE SHE IS, COME ON,”  because I was certain it was nothing but an honorary title given to her in the hopes that they could glom off some publicity by claiming to have a Real Housewife on staff. But then I went to the site, and color me wrong! I absolutely believe Taylor handles all of the “creative directing” for this site. Anyway, some women’s business group nominated Taylor for an award for all of her “creative directing,” because obviously. Taylor deserves to win all the awards for her “creative directing!” And to celebrate her big day, Taylor invited Kyle and Pam and La Maloof and Camille and even Russell but not Lisa because who needs that Vanderbish, right?

But, ha ha, the cameras just happen to be at Lisa’s house when Lisa calls Kyle to invite her to a Vandertea party. Kyle, who is running late to the ceremony assumes that Lisa is also attending and is Vanderwondering where Kyle is, and mentions the ceremony. Lisa fumes about not being invited at Grandpa Ken and vows Vanderevenge.

The next day, Lisa orders her Tea Maid to only show her face at the Vandertea party to come pour the tea for the ladies, or if she hears Lisa screaming for help. OTHERWISE TEA MAID DOES NOT VANDERXIST. The ladies, but for Taylor and Kim, arrive, and Grandpa Ken pops the champagne and everyone toasts Camille for some reason! Hooray! Fun! Lisa mentions that she received another email from Russell, and it’s some link to what appears to be another tabloid story? About Taylor going on a diet? Taking diet pills? Something. Why is he sending Lisa these emails? VANDERMYSTERY!

Taylor finally arrives, and after a few fake air kisses, and Kyle telling The Bridge Troll story again, and Lisa calling Kim to see if she will be attending the Vandertea party (no), we get down to Vanderbusiness. In a ppassive-aggressivedig at Taylor’s weight, Lisa urges Taylor to eat something and then pointedly mentions the luncheon and how she knows she’d been Vanderslighted. Taylor defends not inviting Lisa to the awards ceremony by pointing out that it’s Lisa who always prefaces every conversation between the two of them with, “We’re not friends, but …” Which is COMPLETELY TRUE, but Lisa is Vanderffended! Why would she invite Taylor and Kennedy to come live with herself and Grandpa Ken and Giggy if they weren’t friends? Preposterous!

Taylor then points out that Lisa has been going around town saying that Taylor doesn’t have any friends. Which is COMPLETELY TRUE, but Lisa is Vanderffended! Why would she do such a thing even though she totally did?

There is sobbing and accusations and yelling and TAYLOR JUST WANTS TO BE ACCEPTED but SHE’LL NEVER BE VANDERGOOD ENOUGH FOR LISA. Lisa seems genuinely Vanderwildered by this outburst, and tries to explain that she was worried about Taylor. But Taylor is on a good roll that she is loathe to get off, and she shrieks that Lisa doesn’t have to be her friend, but she’d appreciate it if she’d not be her Vanderenemy.

Lisa half-apologizes for ever putting “I’m not” and “your friend” in a sentence together, again, but it doesn’t matter to Taylor, not really. She’s not looking for reconciliation, she’s looking for a fight. To that end, Taylor reveals that the other ladies, they’ve been talking about Lisa’s out of control Vanderego behind her back. RIGHT, KYLE? Kyle sheepishly agrees that maybe she might have one time said something along those lines once maybe, while Camille and La Maloof sit in grim silence. As evidence, Taylor points out that Lisa has her own picture as the screensaver on her iPad. SEE? OUT OF CONTROL. The other ladies JUST AREN’T TELLING YOU WHAT THEY SAY BEHIND YOUR VANDERBACK, LISA. And with that, Taylor storms out of the Vanderpalace.

With Taylor gone, Kyle attempts to explain to Lisa that she just wanted to be there for both friends and that she certainly hadn’t said anything negative behind Lisa’s back or whatever. That sorta, kinda settled, the women begin discussing The Thing No One Discusses: the truth about Russell and Taylor. Camille notes that Taylor had recently been to see her and told Camille that Russell was leaving her once and for all. But then, moments later, Taylor left to go catch a flight with Russell somewhere, which, what? Kyle and La Maloof politely suggest that perhaps Russell and Taylor’s problems stem from pretending to have more cash monies than they actually do, but Lisa’s not Vanderplaying and bluntly accuses Russell of abusing Taylor. Kyle’s mortified! She doesn’t want to be associated with that statement! That could ruin someone’s life!


Taylor, however, has not managed to escape the Vandergrounds, and instead finds herself talking to Dr. Mr. La Maloof, of all people, ranting about how none of the other ladies supported her in her attacks on Lisa. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THEY’RE ALL TERRIFIED OF LISA. Dr. Mr. La Maloof, unsure how he found himself in this situation, smiles vaguely at Taylor and does his best to not say anything specific. He then examines the work he did on her face, and there is an awkward moment when he notices a bruise on her face WHICH, EESH, and then he tells her he wants to add more filler to her cheeks, but really, he should be advising her to add more Snickers. More pasta. More Boston cream pie.

For some reason, Taylor goes back inside, thinking she is going to attack the other women for not “having her (impossibly skinny) back” and unaware that she has just entered a marriage Vandervention. After confronting Kyle for not supporting her, Taylor whines some more about Lisa not being her friend or whatever, and Lisa is all, Yes, fine, we’ve been over that. I think we’ve covered everything. Taylor suggests that they have not, in fact, been over everything. And with that, Camille explodes. THAT’S IT! says Camille. THAT’S ENOUGH. THEY HAVE ALL BEEN PROTECTING HER. THEY HAVE BEEN PROTECTING TAYLOR BY NOT SAYING THAT RUSSELL HITS TAYLOR. THEY HAVEN’T SAID THAT HE BROKE HER JAW AND THAT HE BEATS HER UP. THEY DON’T SAY IT, BUT NOW THEY’VE SAID IT.

Oh, now they’ve said it. And there’s no taking it back.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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