‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: NO TOUCHING.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Game Night Gone Wild”
October 17, 2011

And back to Game Night. Brandi, exhausted from fighting with the KKK sisters, attempts to call a time out, which seems reasonable. Kyle, however, takes affront: WHO DOES BRANDI THINK SHE IS? A MOM? Brandi, in fact, does consider herself a mother, seeing as she is a mother, and responds in the affirmative. Yes. She is a mom. Kyle, sensing an opportunity, pounces on Brandi’s mothering, specifically the part where she didn’t do anything at La Maloof’s house when her son peed on the lawn. DON’T TALK ABOUT BRANDI’S KIDS, Brandi shrieks. WHAT HE DID WAS NOT THAT BAD, Brandi shrieks. And after Kyle tries to drag the other ladies into the fight, Brandi calls Kim a drug addict, again, since it was so successful the first time.

The ladies bicker over who was rude to whom first (and really, does it matter?) and Kyle essentially, but indirectly, calls Brandi trailer trash. Brandi might be trailer trash, but at least she doesn’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, responds Brandi. AND OUT COME THE FINGERS. SO MANY FINGERS IN BRANDI’S FACE. SHAKING, FURIOUS KKK SISTER FINGERS. Kim shrieks at Brandi that she is a slut and a pig, or maybe a slutty pig? (Protip: DO NOT SEARCH SLUTTY PIG ON GOOGLE IMAGES) In her finger-waggling fury, Kim gets a little too close to Brandi for Taylor’s liking, who throws herself sobbing between the women. NO TOUCHING! NO ONE IS HURTING ANYONE! NO TOUCHING!


Pam calmly reminds the ladies that they live in Beverly Hills and mustn’t act this way, and Brandi demands someone fetch her crutches, she’s going back to the trailer park. There’s a remarkable few minutes when Pam can’t find the crutches that Kim “hid” BEHIND BRANDI’S CHAIR, but then she does and Brandi hobbles out of the house and the rest of the women hiss about how much they hate the sad giantess.

Before everyone can escape Pam’s house, though, she insists that they all go on a “healthy safe vacay” together and here’s thing: I refuse to spend more than five sustained minutes with ANYONE who uses the word VACAY. STOP THAT. Pam also sits Kyle down to discuss Kim’s “journey” and how “we’re together, forever. Everybody always have been.” Kyle is as confused by this pambling as I am, and is all, “Wait, what? Who?” “You and your sister!” Pam responds. “That’s what we do!”


And that concludes Game Night! Someone fetch me my crutches, I need to retire to the trailer.

Some time later, La Maloof walks (!) across the street to the Vanderpalace, where she meets with Lisa and Kyle to discuss Game Night. Kyle admits that Kim started the evening mumbling about how she didn’t like Brandi, but come on! Of course she doesn’t like Brandi! Brandi let her son pee on the lawn! Which Kim did not see! Kyle then tells them all about the Winston Churchill = Great Black Leader debacle (conveniently leaving out her sister’s “Brad Pitt = Best Rapper of All Time” shenanigans) and Lisa tells the camera that she’s Vandersorry to have missed the party, though she would have felt like she was drowning in “bimbo soup.” Bimbo soup! Oh, Lisa, I Vanderlove you. (Note: You’re also going to want safe search on when looking up images for “bimbo soup.”)

Kyle then tattles about the crystal meth accusations, admitting that she has no idea what crystal meth is, is it something you put in a hybrid car? And then the ladies all worry about what will happen when they see Brandi again at Camille’s charity luncheon. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? WORRY!

Taylor meets Brandi at a bakery to not eat baked goods and talk over the whole Game Night fiasco and how Brandi is REALLY not interested in apologizing to Kyle. So, you know, that’s not going to happen.

Meanwhile, the KKK sisters, they are packing up the kids and headed to the family Umansky home in Palm Springs for the weekend. While Kyle blithely refers to it as the “family” home, as in Kim and Kyle and that other sister of theirs home, it’s not the family home, per se, it’s really the Kyle and Mauricio home, if we’re getting down to pesky things like facts. After Mama Richards died, she left the three KKK sisters equal parts of her Palm Springs home, and Kyle bought her two sisters’ shares from them fair and square, says Kyle. However, Kim essentially claims (I think) that she asked to take $20,000 of her part of the equity out for a loan and that Kyle thought she was selling her share to her for $20,000. Which explains the big “You stole my house from me” drunk limo mystery. Sort of. Kyle tries to assert that the house is as 100% Kim’s as it is her, but it’s not. Not really. Not legally.

ANYWAY. They all go to the desert where they talk around their issues and about whether or not Kim will move closer to Kyle (no) and the only interesting thing that happens is that Kim admits to mistaking and using air freshener for breath spray. Easy mistake for someone who is on drugs.

Lisa has Vanderplans to make. Pandora is engaged, and its time to talk to wedding planners. And so they contact some space alien/Saw mask hybrid who calls himself “Kevin.” Lisa and Pandora are in the midst of a minor Vandergument about where Pandora should get married: Pandora would like to get married in her mother’s backyard, which is, to be fair, larger and more meticulously groomed than many Parisian parks; Lisa would prefer Pandora marry in a church. “Kevin” suggests, reasonably, that they simply build a Vanderchurch in the backyard! Sure! (Actually, and this is a true story, I know a wedding photographer who photographed a wedding that was held in a 13th century French chapel in the backyard of a River Oaks estate. Because who doesn’t have a 13th century backyard French chapel, right? Personally, I think it’s important to have at least four 13th century backyard French chapels, one for each season of the year, so as to not be tacky. But I suppose you can get by with just two — one for the warmer weather, one for the cooler weather. In any event, I think we can all agree one can never have too many 13th century backyard French chapels.) Lisa, to her Vandercredit, is appalled by this idea, almost as appalled as she is by “Kevin’s” insistence that this wedding must cost at least $1 million. And yet, even after “Kevin” tells Pandora that her idea to include pink roses on her wedding dress is “tacky” and not “classy,” Lisa Vandergrees to hire him. I do not know why, other than “Kevin” is equal parts hilarious and terrifying.

Camille, in the meantime, continues her “Repair My Image” campaign by hosting a charity luncheon benefitting cancer. Her mother is an ovarian cancer survivor who is now battling bladder cancer, so Camille has a vested interest in this AND HOLY GIGGY, IS THAT HER CLOSET? I COULD FIT ALL OF MY 13TH CENTURY BACKYARD FRENCH CHAPELS IN THERE!

The ladies excepting for Kim, of course, attend the luncheon, including Pam and Brandi, which causes some very minor and very boring non-tension when the producers force Brandi and Kyle to sit at the same table. Lisa attempts to make some Vandersation with Brandi, but is politely rebuffed. The end.

And some time later, Kim and La Maloof go for a very staged walk where La Maloof assures Kim that Brandi regrets what happened at Game Night. This is not necessarily true, but it doesn’t much matter as Kim is uninterested in giving Brandi a second chance. La Maloof also gently broaches the issue of Kyle and Kim’s relationship. Kim says that it’s getting better, but every once in a while, she remembers what happened in the limo, and she can’t forgive Kyle for what she did. And then I fell asleep from the boringness because we have BEEN OVER THIS ALREADY. A NUMBER OF TIMES. LET’S MOVE ON.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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