‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Game on.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Let the Games Begin”
October 10, 2011

We begin with Lisa in a Vandertizzy preparing for a dinner party for her daughter Pandora, Pandora’s Boyfriend, and Pandora’s Boyfriend’s parents. Lisa harangues the Suitcase Maid for not setting the table properly, which I presume Suitcase Maid is paid overtime to do, before heading into the kitchen to finish up her famous Vandertater salad. While she spoons up the Miracle Whip, her son Max takes a phone call from a girlfriend in front of both his parents and the camera crew, and concludes the call by telling her that he loves her. Everyone, including your blogger, finds this Vanderspicious.

At the dinner, Pandora’s Boyfriend stands to make a toast: he loves Pandora, but he’s not going to propose … because he already has! And Pandora said yes! Lisa, who is the ONLY PERSON Vanderprised by this news and improbably didn’t notice the ring on Pandora’s finger, bursts into happy Vandertears. Pandora and Pandora’s Boyfriend Fiance have not made any plans, aside from wanting Giggy to be the ring bearer (which, while sweet, also seems a bit dangerous: I’m just not convinced Giggy can bear the weight). Lisa toasts the happy couple, noting that she loves the two of them, hates being surprised, but could not be Vandehappier. She loves Pandora’sBoyfriend Fiance like her son — more than her son — HAHAHA SHE’S JUST VANDERKIDDING. Sort of. Poor Grandpa Ken tries to also give a toast, but Lisa orders him to sit down and drink his Ensure. Cheers!

Kyle meets La Maloof for lunch, where Kyle makes sour faces regarding Brandi and her parenting skillz, what with the allowing the 4-year-old to pee in the yard at La Maloof’s barbecue and all. La Maloof, who has boys herself, explains to Kyle, who has all girls, that it wasn’t a big deal — boys, especially young boys, this is how they are. What’s it to you? (And as the mother of two boys? Considering how long it takes to potty train a boy? Brandi should be proud he got out of the pool before urinating in front of the entire party. That said, I also agree with Kyle that this is behavior should still be corrected, instead of just shrugged at. ANYWAY.)

The topic of Brandi thus addressed, La Maloof delicately brings up the next item on the agenda: Kim. La Maloof tells Kyle about Kim’s whackadoodle behavior on their recent Sacramento trip, but Kim brushes it off as “Kim just being Kim.” But you know what? Not La Maloof’s problem. More Chardonnay, says La Maloof.

La Maloof later meets Brandi at a bakery where they drink coffee and stare longfully at the milkshakes they ordered. Brandi pouts for a while about how the other women don’t like her, and La Maloof makes some unconvincing noises about how that’s not the case. But you know what? Not La Maloof’s problem. More milkshake, says La Maloof.

Taylor invites Dana over to make cookies and talk about the big “game night” party that Dana has graciously offered to host. Taylor was originally set to host it, but, um, yeah. And anyway, Dana is the perfect person to host this party! She’s an event planner! Or was an event planner! This is unclear! Also, she planned parties for the Grammys! Which could mean anything, really! Dana assures Taylor that it’s going to be fabulous: there will be flower arrangements that look like dice. Seriously. That’s how amazing this party will be. Flower arrangements that look like dice.


Kyle is the first to arrive at Dana’s house, and she has to wait 15 minutes for Dana to clomp all the way down the stairs. Dana compliments Kyle’s outfit, and being polite, Kyle returns the favor. IT’S VALENTINO. THE SHORTS? VALENTINO. THE SHIRT? YUP. VALENTINO. SERIOUSLY.

Brandi hobbles in next, in her short shorts and crutches. DANA IS WEARING VALENTINO, BRANDI. THE WHOLE OUTFIT? VALENTINO. ALSO, HER SHOES ARE FENDI. AND VALENTINO. PYTHON. Dana leads the two women into some sort of den? game room? Some sort of waiting area, where she hands them drinks and then clomps away in her Fendis, leaving the two women and a great deal of tension alone in the giant den.

Eventually, Camille and Taylor arrive, helping diffuse the tension somewhat. But then La Maloof calls and announces that she has something very important to do and will not be attending the party, suckers. Because you know what? Not La Maloof’s problem. More anything but stupid game night, says La Maloof.

Frowning Brandi is frowning. To the extent that she can.

Kim finally arrives, and within moments of walking in the door, calls the hostess Pam and pays Brandi a backhanded comment about her short shorts. So, this is Kim, ladies! She burbles something about her makeup and how she was late because of her makeup and she immediately scurries into the bathroom to “fix her makeup.” Kyle follows her into the bathroom, and tries to shush her very not coherent sister while Kim screams insults to Dana Pam about the cleanliness of her home.

In the bathroom, Kim is coming undone, and tells Kyle that she hasn’t eaten or slept in 7 days. She’s seeing things and hearing things and CRYING CRYING CRYING ALL THE TIME. In response, Kyle tells her sister that they should maybe go home and talk and perhaps its time that Kim get some professional help for her anxiety disorder. OH HA HA HA. None of this happens, of course. Instead, Kyle puts some lipgloss on her sister and tells her that they have to go play games with the ladies now.

Back in the empty den or whatever, Kim burbles something at the bartender, before accepting a non-alcoholic drink from him. Kyle surreptitiously tests the drink to confirm that it’s not alcoholic, before Kim totters off to the bathroom again. I DON’T THINK ALCOHOL IS THE PROBLEM, KYLE.

Dana Pam moves the other ladies into the empty living room to start playing some games already, while Kyle slips off to check on her sister in the bathroom. In the bathroom, Kim demands some alone time, and Kyle has a sad.

Dana Pam divides the women into two groups: Taylor, Camille, Dana Pam and Kim, Kyle and Brandi. This leads to Kim rolling around on the ugly overstuffed couch while loudly and incoherently moaning that she wants Camille on her team, she hates new people, &c.

Frowning Brandi is frowning. To the extent that she can.

The ladies play Celebrity, which leads to the sisters feeding each other clues that only they would understand, and Brandi offering clues like “The best rapper in the world” to which Kim replies, “Brad Pitt.” Obviously.

And in an amazing moment, Brandi offers this clue: “A very famous black man who wasn’t Martin Luther King … on Sunday you go to (church) … yeah! So that’s his last name, part of it. First name, cigarette … smoker …” THE ANSWER SHE WAS LOOKING FOR WAS WINSTON CHURCHILL. LET’S ALL JUST TAKE A MOMENT AND APPRECIATE THIS, YOU GUYS.

But then Kim and Kyle return to their inside joke/clues, which leads Brandi to start passive aggressively holler, OH MY GOD I KNOW THAT ONE! YAY, TEAMWORK! This sends Kim back to the bathroom.

Back in the unadorned living room, Brandi announces to Camille that she used to be a model, she knows all about what goes on in bathrooms. SNIFF SNIFF. Camille admirably ignores this comment.

Kim apparently hides Brandi’s crutches on the way back to the living room? Sure? And then laughs and laughs and laughs about it in front of Brandi. Kyle then announces that they should play IQ, and BRANDI should go FIRST! Brandi takes understandable umbrage, and encourages Kyle to “bring it, bitch.” SIGH. This obviously infuriates Kyle, and while Camille sort of kind of tries to be the peacemaker, Brandi explains that Kyle clearly singled her out because of her blond hair. NOT FACT. Brandi concludes that Kyle and her sister are straight-up rude. FACT.

Kim announces that she needs to go to the bathroom. Again. AND THEN IT GETS REAL: Brandi notes that maybe Kim doesn’t remember being rude because she’s been in the bathroom too many times tonight.

Kim attempts to make fun of Brandi’s short shorts, Kyle calls Brandi pathetic, and so Brandi shrugs and calls herself a slut. So what, who cares. That’s as obvious as anything else this night, like how Kim is wasted out of her mind.

And the sisters, stunned, BUT MAD, but STUNNED, leap up and wave their hands around and point their fingers and call Brandi disgusting. Oh, K sisters, you’re going to have to do better than that. The bitch force, it is strong in this one…

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.


Leave a Reply