July 11, 2011
Bentley and Hong Kong well behind her, Dr. Tube Socks explains that the last stop on The Bachelorette Terrorizes Asia Tour will be Taiwan. However, if you thought we’d also left behind ridiculous behavior and uncontrollable sobbing, you’d be mistaken. Sorely mistaken.
Because we’ve narrowed the field to 6 men, Dr. Tube Socks can spend a little time explaining what she sees in each of them:
Ryan has great energy.
Tex Bland is nice or something. Polite? Is he polite?
Fivehead is unique and intelligent. OH WAIT, I’M SORRY. That should be, “Fivehead is unique because he is intelligent.” Whoops.Ben the Wine Dude is funny.
Constantine is easy to talk to and look at.
J.P. makes her feel secure.
Dr. Tube Socks has decided that she now needs to make some tough decisions based on emotional and physical connections. This should all give us pause and/or the shudders.
Chris Hanson greets the men on some plaza, where he makes them stand really far away from him for some reason, and explains that it’s the 100th anniversary of Taiwan? Which is super, I guess? ANYWAY, there will be 3 one-on-one dates with no roses, and one group date with one rose, and this is all very important because next week are the hometown dates, and we all know what that means! Awkward dinners with parents!
Constantine of the Need a Haircut Twins receives the first one-on-one date: “Let Your Love Light Shine. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.”
COMMENCE THE J.P. COMPLAIN-A-THON:
- J.P. has a real connection with Dr. Tube Socks following their one-on-one date in Hong Kong, and therefore doesn’t want to see her go on dates with any other guys.
- This is really hard for him, the watching her go on dates with other guys business.
- He doesn’t want to lose something he really cares about, and therefore, is having a hard time watching her go on dates with other guys.
- Also? It’s a rough week for him? And he’s just ready to bring her home now and not watch her go on dates with the other guys.
Dr. Tube Socks has decided that she will be the one to finally make hospital gowns sexy, and greets Constantine at a train station in a blouse that she cut the back out of. This will be a trend in this episode. They ride in a giant steam engine-powered train to a nearby village which allows the editors to do some subtle work with the ol’ train going through the tunnel metaphor. Gross.
Dr. Tube Socks assures us that the village is currently holding its traditional lantern festival, wherein people paint their wishes onto a paper lantern and then light them and set them free so they will carry their wishes to Santa Claus. I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes. I’m not convinced this festival is actually happening, however, as we only are shown one middle-aged woman lighting up a lantern in the middle of the street. That, or this is a very, very lame festival.
So Dr. Tube Socks leads Constantine to a paper lantern, where she insists he paint not just a wish, but a love wish on both sides. I would paint on one side that I wish Constantine would cut his hair, and on the other side that Dr. Tube Socks stop cutting holes into all of her clothes, but I wasn’t invited along, fortunately.
In his one-on-ones with the camera, Constantine talks in big sweeping generalities about how he wants to have a long, healthy relationship like his parents, that he’s very serious about finding love, and maybe, one day, he will.
But it won’t be with Dr. Tube Socks, because he seriously could not be less interested, come on.
At dinner, Constantine describes his Big Fat Greek Family, and makes a bunch of non-committal noises about her fitting in with them. They agree that their relationship has been a slow build, and he explains that you can’t force love, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, DR. TUBE SOCKS. I AM NOT EVEN CONVINCED HE KIND OF LIKES YOU.
They release their lantern, which, TRUE STORY: a dog peed on, and watch it as it makes its way to Santa Claus. It is then joined by a few dozen other lanterns which were not released by a bunch of production assistants, but instead are part of this “festival” which was polite enough to wait to release their own lanterns in deference to this American television program.
This is not their lantern festival:
Back at the Men’s Quarantine Area, Ryan, who has not had a single one-on-one date, is dissed once again, as Ben the Wine Dude receives the next one-on-one date: “Let’s spend a ‘gorges’ day together in Taiwan. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.” GET IT? GORGES? NOT GORGEOUS? Puns.
Dr. Tube Socks and Ben meet at Taroko National Park where they’re going to ride a moped through the gorges. Dr. Tube Socks starts yammering about needing to have a physical connection to whomever she is going to ultimately be with and I feel my own gorge, and it is rising.
Riding on the moped, riding on the moped, riding on the moped, kissing.
While the two of them are literally puttering around the park, the group date card arrives at the Men’s Quarantine Area: “I’m grooming you for the big day.” The date will be with Big Bland, Fivehead and J.P., which means finally, Ryan will have his one-on-one date. I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait!
Dr. Tube Socks and Ben the Wine Dude have dinner somewhere or other, and Ben the Wine Dude confesses to the camera that he’s beginning to fall in love — and with Dr. Tube Socks, specifically! not just in general! Blah blah blah wine blah blah family blah. Dr. Tube Socks confesses that she is really beginning to fall in love with Ben the Wine Dude, and that she already is starting to think of him as her boyfriend. Which is just weird, right? Like, I know what she means, I understand, but at the same time in about a month she’s going to expect one of these guys to propose to her. PROPOSE TO HER. Would she not have been thinking of him as her boyfriend before then? I guess what I am saying is that The Bachelor/Bachelorette series are so preposterous, so ridiculous we might have to create new language to describe what these farcical relationships even are.
ANYWAY. Guess who didn’t come home from his date until after breakfast?
J.P. is MAD JEALOUS, Y’ALL. Don’t even talk to him. DON’T EVEN TALK TO HIM. So mad. HE IS SO MAD. BAH.
Dr. Tube Socks, culture expert, explains that weddings are taken very seriously in Taiwan, so she’s going to take the men to have wedding photos taken? After all, one of them could be her husband one day, and this experience might help show her what it would be like for them to be her husband. Sure? Except, NOPE.
J.P. DOESN’T WANT TO SEE HER IN A WEDDING DRESS WITH OTHER GUYS. J.P. IS MAD. AND JEALOUS. AND MAD.
The men are sent into a dressing room to put on the ridiculous outfits Dr. Tube Socks has chosen for each of them. Big Bland gets to wear a traditional Chinese gown, Fivehead is given a sparkly blue tuxedo with a sheer pink blouse and feathers, because, sure and J.P. is given your standard black tuxedo, to Big Bland’s and Fivehead’s visible irritation. Big Bland, trying to make the best of a gold dress, announces that J.P. has had such a bad attitude lately that it was probably for the best that he got the tuxedo, lest he completely melt down like a hungry toddler.
Big Bland takes his photos with Dr. Tube Socks first, which, though stiff and awkward, does involve kissing. THIS MAKES J.P. VERY MAD. HE HAS HAD A ROUGH WEEK, AND NOW THIS?
And repeat scene, but with Fivehead. ARRG. SHE IS KISSING OTHER MEN! AND J.P. JUST HAS TO STAND HERE AND WATCH! MAD!
Dr. Tube Socks changes dresses again and poses with a rage-filled J.P. who can’t bring himself to smile he is SO MAD and the pictures are tense and awkward and everyone just wants to hide because NO FUN.
They go to a hotel for drinks and dumplings, and J.P. is STILL yammering about how he doesn’t want to see Dr. Tube Socks with other men, in case we hadn’t figured that out yet.
Big Bland takes Dr. Tube Socks aside where he admits he felt dumb in the robe and complains about J.P. being given the tuxedo. Which is ironic, since Big Bland made up in his head an entire scenario in which J.P., had he been given the golden robe, would have complained about it. But that didn’t happen. What did happen is that Big Bland was given a robe, patted himself on the back for not complaining about it and then complained about it. Ugh. This guy. They talk about his family, and how super-easy it would be to get married a second time, and Big Bland walks out of the Private Time Room confident that he just won himself a rose for the night. Because, sure; that bit where he whined about having to wear a robe? It was a winner.
Fivehead brought a pile of family photos with him? Not just to be on The Bachelorette, but on this specific date? That’s a little weird, right? But whatever, I still like him and his giant head and his pink pants, and hope that he sticks around for a while.
When J.P. has some time alone with Dr. Tube Socks, SURPRISE! he complains that he doesn’t like to watch her go on dates with the other men, and that this week has been difficult for him as a result. So she gives him the rose? SURE. WHY NOT.
Back at the Men’s Quarantine Area, Ryan finally receives the one-on-one date card, reading “Let’s get a taste of Taipei. Love, Ashley.” But it would have been really funny if Ben the Wine Dude or Constantine’s name had been on the card instead. Or Bentley’s.
Dr. Tube Socks puts on another hospital gown and meets Ryan at some temple, where they gawk at the locals as they worship their gods. (Plural! Exclamation mark!) Dr. Tube Socks notes that everyone else seems irritated by Ryan’s exuberant personality, but she likes his positivity. Of course, she hasn’t spent a lot of time with his positivity, so. They pray to a matchmaking god with some dice? That they throw? To see if their wish will come true? And long story short: nope. No dice. HA. A PUN. Sort of.
And maybe it was his nonsensical blathering about tai chi, maybe it was when he asked her what she thinks about the environment, it MOST DEFINITELY was the hour-long lecture on the inefficiencies of natural-gas-fueled water heaters, but it doesn’t take long with Ryan’s positivity for Dr. Tube Socks to realize that she isn’t really “connecting romantically” with it, and that she isn’t interested in meeting his family’s positivity, either. And so, Dr. Tube Socks steels herself and tells Ryan that while he’s “the perfect guy” for her, she’s dumping him. OK, GOODBYE.
Dr. Tube Socks then saunters off to go stand on a nearby bridge so as to stare contemplatively off into the middle distance and think about how her back is cold.
Ryan, in the meantime, stumbles around in a park in tears, sobbing about how he just wants someone to love unconditionally, someone who recognizes the importance of solar power, preferably. This keening goes on for some time, embarrassing even the camera man. Eventually, AND HILARIOUSLY, the producers then make him go hail his own cab, and that’s that. Goodbye, Ryan!
玫瑰仪式的时间！And for one brief moment I thought Dr. Tube Socks had actually managed to find a non-slutty dress to wear, something actually kind of classy. But that’s when I saw the cut-out sides and missing back. LADY. COME ON. She’s too busy for my fashion consultations, though. She has glamour shots to look at, and someone to send home.
Chris Harrison arrives and Dr. Tube Socks announces that she knows exactly who she is sending home, the cocktails won’t be necessary. Chris Harrison makes sure she’s certain — could talking to someone maybe change her mind? NOPE. LET’S DO THIS THING.
And so Chris Harrison gives the men a heads-up that they are heading straight into the rose ceremony tonight, no need for any preamble. He tries to act like this was hard on Dr. Tube Socks, but I beg to disagree. Dr. Tube Socks materializes and thanks the men for traveling all over Asia with her, and tells them that she’s excited that she sees her husband in this group. Well, not whomever is about to be eliminated; he won’t be her husband, obvs.
Rose #1: Constantine
Rose #2: Ben the Wine Dude
Rose #3: Fivehead
Back to Texas, with you, Big Bland. He takes the decision relatively well, calling Dr. Tube Socks “sweetheart” about 15 times as she walks him out, acquitting himself nicely, actually.
And that should be the end of it, but IT’S NOT. Because as soon as Boring gets into the Rejectionmobile, Dr. Tube Socks begins sobbing. SOBBING. It’s just so hard! She’s not cut out for this! There’s too much pressure! It’s hard! AND ZOMG, DR. SOBSALOT, HE WAS BORING! HE WAS SO SO BORING! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DUMB-DUMB! And this is why Michelle the Villaness should have been The Bachelorette this season: there would have been EXACTLY ZERO OF THIS NONSENSE.
But we’re still not done. Chris Harrison is here to tell us that while there have been many successful relationships made on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette (3) they don’t always end happily. Sadly, Wombat and St. Emily have broken up. WHAT? SOMEONE FETCH MY SMELLING SALTS, I’M TOO BUSY CLUTCHING MY PEARLS!
Sick and tired of being hounded by the paparazzi, the couple have decided to speak publicly about their relationship to hopefully put an end to the harassment. Except that it will only be St. Emily; Wombat is too busy walking shirtless around Town Lake to participate.
St. Emily pulls up in a limo in front of the Bachelor house and IS ALREADY IN TEARS WHEN SHE GETS OUT. They go inside, and awkwardly sit in an empty room, where Chris Harrison asks St. Emily about her feelings for Wombat. They are no longer engaged, she weeps, but he’s always going to be a big part of her life. And for the longest time, they had their own “DOT DOT DOT.”
Rage. I am filled with a blinding, white-hot rage.
ANYWAY. St. Emily is vague, but basically she planned on moving Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. to Austin for a few weeks over the summer, but then balked because she realized she’d be moving to Texas in the summer. This, plus her insecurity that Wombat didn’t really want to be with her being a single mom and all, was something of a deal breaker and the engagement was called off. It’s been a nightmare, the photographers hunt her and Little Ricky Bobby, Jr., she feels like a failure, she can’t trust anyone, sob.
And that’s it. ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW, AMERICA? WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BUYING THE OK MAGAZINES WITH ST. EMILY ON THE COVER NOW?
As for Chris Harrison and the entire Bachelor family: SORREE FOR RUININ’ YOUR LIFE, ST. EMILEE. LOLOLOL. WANNA BE ON THE BACHELOR PAD?
The Bachelorette airs at 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.