‘The Bachelor’: Volcanoes and Other Dangerous Forces of Nature

The Bachelor
February 7, 2011

Hey ladies, are your bags packed? Michelle the Villainess, have you packed your crazypants? Because you’re going to need them in … COSTA RICA! ¡Sí, el más mágico, más hermosa place on Earth, according to El Wombat! El Wombat thinks very seriously about the beauty of Costa Rica, and his second chance at love, and his la terapia, on the deck of The Springs, Resort & Spa and shockingly, he manages to keep his shirt on the entire time. We’re very proud of you, El Wombat, we know it must have been muy difícil. El Wombat wonders if Costa Rica will provide him the answers he’s been looking for on este viaje. On the one hand, expecting answers to life’s great questions might be a bit much to ask from one small Central American country who doesn’t even have a standing army; on the other, it’s El Wombat. ¿How difícil could his questions possibly be?

The ladies are muy emocionado about going to Costa Rica, el más mágico, más hermosa place on Earth. NEWS ALERT: Saint Emily did not, in fact grow up in a jungle. Sorry lady, I’m going to need you to provide a birth certificate, long form, before I’ll just accept that as fact.

The women arrive at The Springs, and El Wombat orders them to get into an orderly line to hug him before he leads them on a little tour of the place and into the new casa de gallina. Dr. Tube Socks yammers on about this place being so “organic,” and I don’t think that means what she thinks that means. Michelle la Villana, meanwhile, has unpacked said crazypants just in time for her first interview where she declares that she is more sure than ever that she is going to make El Wombat fall in love with her. Which careful viewers will note is not the same thing as her falling in love with El Wombat. And that’s why she’s La Villana, ladies and gentlemen.

El Wombat leaves the ladies in their fancy suite overlooking the volcano Arenal (Not that they ever give the name of the most active volcano of Costa Rica, but whatevs, right? Geography be hard.) along with el date card. Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk are super-desperate for a one-on-one date with El Wombat, seeing as she hasn’t had one yet. ¿And we’re subtly reminded that that other blond lady who isn’t St. Emily hasn’t had a one-on-one either? ¿But who cares? ¿Because we can’t even remember her name much less her face? Anyway, Chantal receives the date, and all the ladies glare at her muy agresivamente. Michelle la Villana hopes that monkeys attack Chantal on her date. Considering El Wombat’s simian brow, I think there’s a chance they might mistake them for their own and take the two of them into their troop.


As they leave, Michelle la Villana corners poor St. Emily to hiss about how much she hates Chantal and how she just can’t figure out why El Wombat would pick Chantal and then the audio goes out on my cable but I’m pretty sure I can fill in the blanks: “Blah blah blah, Chantal is not right for him, blah me me me, blah me blah, me. Punch someone in the eyeball.”

In the producers his ongoing attempt to terrify the women into submission, El Wombat takes Chantal on a zip-lining adventure, where it immediately begins to dump buckets of rain on their heads. Chantal, who was previously terrified to go into the ocean with a dumb submarine helmet plopped on her head, straps herself onto the zipline without a moment’s hesitation and goes careening down into the jungle as El Wombat hyperventilates on the platform. But, eventually, El Wombat manages to be a big boy and hook himself up to the line and while half-heartedly “wooing,” and arrives at the bottom where he and Chantal see a howler monkey. Careful, El Wombat, they might be scouting you to see if you’re worthy of becoming their monkey king.

At la casa de gallina, the group card is delivered: “¡Amor springs eternal!” Jackie, Michelle la Villana, St. Emily, Dr. Tube Socks, Shawntel, and that other blond lady are on the invite which, if I am doing these math properly means that Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk get the last one-on-one date.

El Wombat and Chantal are not, in fact, kidnapped by los monos, but instead head to a private picnic somewhere. ¿At first it looks like they’re in some secluded location in the jungle? But then it begins POURING RAIN. AGAIN. And the two of them flee into his suite and we realize they were on the resort grounds the whole time, picnicking next to the swim-up bar. Wow. How exotic. ¡El Wombat can’t BELIEVE this rain! ¿I guess because no one informed him that he was going to be in a rain forest? ¿As in a forest? ¿Where it rains? Whatever. It ends up with Chantal in la camisa del Wombat. EL WOMBAT HAVE FUN. EL WOMBAT SCARED IN LAS VEGAS BY LA DRAMATICA. EL WOMBAT NOT SCARE NOW. And he gives her la rosa, the end.

The next morning, los Ticos herd the ladies onto a truck, where, to their great displeasure, they are driven out into the rain and mud. BREAKING NEWS: Michelle la Villana is not happy that Chantal came home with a rose. Eventually, the ladies arrive at some sort of canyon adventure site, where El Wombat directs all the ladies to put on a sexxy harness and a sexxy helmet and a sexxy poncho for their big adventure. And here’s the part where, in the alternate universe in which I would even consider being on a reality show, I’d be all, “Uh, excuse me, El Wombat. The card read ‘Love springs eternal,’ and I’ve watched enough reality show television to know that ‘springs’ should refer to ‘hot springs’ of which you can’t throw a dang pebble without hitting around here, so what’s up with the helmet, big guy? Last I checked, hot springs require bikinis, not helmets and ponchos. I think I’ll wait here until we get to the hot springs and drinks part of this date. Have fun!” BUT WHATEVER.

They’re going rappelling down a waterfall. Yay. Michelle la Villana is mad for some made-up reason, ¿because he swore he’d never go rappelling with anyone ever again, ever? I don’t know/care. Shawntel goes first, that other blond next, Dr. Tube Socks after her, St. Emily, and then Jackie, who has a severe fear of heights (because this is the Season of Terror) is next to last, leaving Michelle la Villana to rappel down with El Wombat to the great, snarling displeasure of the other women. But only after she punched El Wombat a few times. Because she’s super healthy. And not in the least bit inclined to give herself or anyone else a black eye.

El Wombat takes the ladies to a hot spring, and, again, we’re supposed to pretend that it is some hot spring somewhere other than the resort where they are staying, an illusion that is shattered when back at la casa de gallinas, Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk sees a beetle, screams and hurls a glass at Chantal’s head in the room directly above them. So, yeah. Anyway. El Wombat has a series of uncomfortable conversations with the ladies on the group date, culminating in Michelle la Villana ranting at El Wombat about how it really makes her MUY ENOJADO that he gave Chantal una rosa, because he’s making the wrong choices and clearly his little howler monkey brain needs some assistance in decision making from Ms. La Villana.

Interestingly, this sends El Wombat into a sputtering rage, and he withholds la rosa from todas de las mujeres. TAKE THAT, LADIES.

Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk’s invitation said something about meeting El Wombat on an altar, which, two things: 1. Chantal tried to pull the trick she did on La Villana, and point out that the word “love” was no where on the invite, but Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk aren’t psychotic so they don’t care and start punching people in the eyeballs and 2. I get that everyone is making some sort of marital connections to this, but I hear “altar” and my mind goes into much darker, Omen-esque places. This last point is not helped when El Wombat arrives on horseback (with ZOMGBAYBEEHORSIES!!!) and proceeds to ride poor Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk off to a cave. Let’s just stop here for a moment. ¿El Wombat has made women leap off of buildings, waterfalls and ziplines, go underwater, sing their dead father’s favorite songs and put one woman on a private plane and in a race car whose fiance lost his life in a private plane on the way to a car race, and now poor Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk and their crippling, glass-throwing fear of bugs is being shoved into a dark cave? ¿AND YET SHAWNTEL’S BIG DATE WAS A SHOPPING SPREE IN VEGAS? ¿Seriously, y’all, who on the production staff is Shawntel related to? Who is it?

ANYWAY, there’s a cave and there are bugs and there is screaming and apparently they get to some sort of waterfall, and some sort of ledge that it called “the altar” by los Ticos, but I’m going entirely by the audio here, because we can’t see anything except for an occasional flashlight beam and an illuminated tank top. HEY, GUYS, WHOSOEVER’S IDEA IT WAS TO HAVE A DATE IN A CAVE? GENIUS. THAT WAS SOME GENIUS TELEVISION THERE. GOOD PLANNING. WELL THOUGHT-OUT, ALL AROUND.

I imagine they don’t stay in the cave for a particularly long period of time, because the next thing you know they are having dinner next to the hot tub at the resort, and the conversation is going nowhere, and at one point the table begins to sink on them and El Wombat has had enough and is all, EL WOMBAT NO GIVE LA ROSE. ADIOS, LA BA-DONK-A-DONK. And poor Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk are stunned because they thought that story about going to Europe that one time was really connecting with El Wombat, but she gets into the Sobmobile to Oldmaidsland with a degree of dignity, even if there are a few tears in her goodbye interview. Then again, I’d be crying too, because the nearest airport is like 2 ½ hours away or something, and it has to be at least 10 p.m. and those roads around Arenal are no kidding around at night.

El Wombat literally throws the rose that he did not give to Alli and la ba-donk-a-donk over his shoulder like it was his jacket (¿?) and heads back to his suite to allow the tiny wheels in his brain to slowly click through what he had been through in the past 24 hours or so. EL WOMBAT NEED EL TIEMPO DE INACTIVIDAD. But, too bad, El Wombat. La Villana is here to get some things straight. She announces that she’s invited herself over, and El Wombat nervously glances towards the producers to see if this sort of thing is alright. Off-screen, through a complicated series of signs that they taught Koko, they communicate back to him that they instructed La Villana to do this very thing, and that he should just roll with it. So El Wombat does, and La Villana goes on to rant some more at him about how disappointed she is in him for keeping Chantal around, and how it’s a huge mistake, and how he’s going to send all the rest of them home until she’s the last one standing. And El Wombat stares into her Kaa eyes and is all “EL WOMBAT SEND ALL THE OTHER LADIES HOME.”


El Tiempa de la Ceremonia de las Rosas Final: Someone — I don’t even care who, really, it doesn’t really matter — notes that there are “less” of them now and that they all have to worry. IT’S FEWER. NOT LESS. THERE ARE “FEWER” OF YOU LEFT NOW. UGH. LEARN THIS THING. El Wombat arrives and makes some sort of vague comment about being on the receiving end of some grief for his decision-making this week. Chantal is told by the producers decides that this means something, that one of the ladies must have said something to El Wombat, and thus begins the most boring Nancy Drew Mystery ever. After about ten minutes, La Villana cops to the fact that she visited El Wombat in his room the night before. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Nothing, apparently, because Nancy Drew immediately backs down and is all, “Oh. Huh.”

In the meantime, El Wombat meets with the women individually:







The producers free Chris Harrison from the closet they’ve been keeping him in all week so as to announce that it’s time for El Wombat to begin la ceremonia de las rosas. Chantal is the only one safe, so there will be five more roses handed out. And then they shove Chris Harrison back into his trunk until next week.


Rose #1: La Medica de los Tube Socks
Rose #2: St. Emily
Rose #3: Britt (who?)
Rose #4: Shawntel
Rose #5: Michelle la Villana

Which means that Jackie is headed back home despite some crazy editing that all but guaranteed La Villana’s departure. I’m telling you, he’s going home to meet the La Villana family, and then, AND ONLY THEN, will the producers free him from that particular nightmare clause in his contract.

Ever the gentlewombat, he escorts Jackie back to the Sobmobile, where she admirably maintains her composure. She does spend a little time wondering why she fell short, and there’s no one there but a cameraman whom I doubt will be the one to tell her that in the end she just wasn’t as valuable to the producers as La Villana was. But good news! Glee has returned! You always have Lea Michelle to go home to and emulate some more!

Next week, Anguilla! And jealousy! And crying! And rain! And people talking about connections! So not that much different than this week, when you really think about it.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. And you should think seriously about getting some therapy.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.


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